And it came to pass that Conan the Cimmerian smote the No-Pants-Goblins.

Before I set out to strap on the sandals of the greatest Cimmerian, I was excited about this adventure. However, the developers of Conan have made his game so similar to the God of War franchise that it begs comparison.

From the slow-mo combat and timed button presses to the red orbs you collect to upgrade your skills, at times Conan feels like he’s saying, “Anything Kratos can do, I can do better.” Honestly, I don’t know if it’s a fight they want to pick.

The biggest problem with Conan is its lackluster story, something that God of War takes to its full advantage. For a game that introduces its hero as the man who will “tread the jeweled thrones of the Earth under his sandaled feet,” you would think they would want to spend some time fleshing out who Conan is.

No such luck. It got to the point where I was either unmotivated to slash through the bad guys, or confused enough to laugh at what seemed to be Conan walking into a random city and killing everyone.

It’s really unfortunate, because when there are story segments, Ron Perlman gives a great performance to accompany the fantastic emotional range the developers have given Conan’s face. So some of the story segments are good, but more solid storytelling would give the combat some much-needed context and emotional weight.

The game also has some obvious glitches. It’s sad when little glitches take you out of the reality that the game creates, but it’s much worse when those glitches make you lose at key points of the game. While I was fighting a boss for the first time, I fell through an arena floor and died. I thought to myself, “Oh, a trap door.” Nope– just a glitch. Conan also froze up my Xbox 360 like I haven’t seen since Oblivion.

At least Conan has three impressive ways to smite his foes: Sword and shield for defense, double swords for speed or two handed weapons for power. He gets these weapons by picking them up in his environment or violently disarming (sometimes literally) his opponents.

Conan can also unleash some sick counter-attacks by timing a block and pressing the face button that appears on the screen. The game really shines when you are brutally carving your way through a group of pirates or cannibals, flinging them into the air, sticking them on spiked walls, and trying to figure out which weapon set will work best against each new enemy.

The action only dulls when you are required to carve through the same group of enemies within a level. There are around three different enemy types per level, but they tend not to be reused later in the game, which could have added some variety.

However, this is all forgiven when you come to Conan’s greatest strength– the boss battles. One of the early boss battles, a sand dragon, has multiple tiers that you must complete in order to defeat him. The battle oscillates from you hacking at its face on rooftops to it chasing your around the city demolishing everything that you’re standing on. It’s visceral and pulse-pounding, and made me remember how a great boss battle can dramatically raise the stock of a game (Bungie, take note). There are a few other battles that are just as great that I won’t spoil for you here.

It should also be noted that the game’s violence and nudity are completely gratuitous. One parry move has you pulling an enemy’s intestines out with your hand. You’ll either be saying “oh snap!” or “oh…that’s disgusting”, or maybe a little of both.

Then there are the “fair maidens” to rescue. When freed, all the maidens do a “drop it like its hot” move as they rise to their feet. Yes, it’s pretty lame and might make you feel shameful, but that’s just how Co-nizzle the Barbizzle rolls, player.

All in all, Conan is a fun and brutal game with amazing boss battles, but this franchise still has a ways to go before Conan is treading on Kratos’ jeweled hack-and-slash throne.

Tags: Conan, Nihilistic, THQ

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