Don’t laugh. This is probably going to be you in thirty years.

I didn’t think last week’s Pain was worth a Hamilton, so what about Sony San Diego’s second attempt on the PSN, High Velocity Bowling? Coming from Team Ramrod (hi, Super Troopers reference), this game of ten-pin features waggle, online leaderboards, and, wait a tic… custom soundtracks using an in-game XMB! Sure, it all sounds a lot like Wii Sports, but will it make Grandma Bessie want a Playstation 3 for Christmas?

If she still remembers growing up in the 50s, she might. High Velocity’s got the retro chic down pat. Right from the moment you boot it up, you’re confronted with a neon-lit marquee soaring high into the twilight sky, its star-like beacons summoning small-town soccer moms and over-the-hill bachelors from the countryside. I half expected to see a cameo by Walter Sobchak, but the sublime odor of cigarette ash mixed with disinfectant was all too real. Okay, maybe that was just my feet. Moving on.

Said marquee also functions as your main menu, giving you the options of solo bowling, competing in several different challenges, or scoping out what trophies you’ve earned. There’s also an option called “My Balls” (tee hee). If you want to take a look at your ball selection, head there.

“Let’s Bowl” is your basic pick-up-and-play mode. You can have up to four players rotating turns locally (sorry, no online except for leaderboards). Multiplayer’s a key component to a game like this (who wants to bowl by themselves?), so it’s good to know that setting it up is easy as pie — just hit square to add extra people on the character select screen. Pick one of several alley-cat stereotypes and then its off to the lanes!

I don’t think High Velocity is about to kick Wiis out of the retirement home (and where else would they go if they’ve already outlived their usefulness to society led a long and fulfilling life?), but the motion controls are both slightly more complex and more satisfying. You grip the Sixaxis underhand, which feels a whole lot more like holding a bowling ball than it does when clutching an oblong Wiimote. Proper positioning puts your thumb over the X button to select options and your pointer/pinky over the R2 and L2 buttons for spin.

Character positioning and aim are selected by twisting the Sixaxis left or right (the dead zone in this case is where the controller’s left side points towards the ground). Once you’ve got your shot set up, your avatar will shuffle towards the foul line. Rear your hand back and then quickly follow through. The speed at which you do this determines how fast your ball travels down the lane, though slipping into the red part of the meter will overpower your throw. The game also accounts for spin (determined, in analog, by how hard you hold down either of the back shoulder buttons), the type of ball you’re using, and any quirks your character might possess.

Admittedly, it feels a little strange at first, but you get used to it quickly and it makes a whole lot of sense when you consider how one might toss an actual ball.

It’s honestly more intuitive than Wii Bowling’s cheat-prone controls, but because of the shape of the Sixaxis, it may not be compatible for people with small hands. Just as well, this is one of the few games on the Playstation 3 that actually justifies its motion-only controls. And before you ask: yes, options for southpaws are included.

If you don’t have any friends around, it might be best to head for the Challenges first. Here you can knock pins with CPU rivals, compete in tournaments, or complete special trick shots. The last of the three is probably the most interesting part of the game, as the developers have set up ramps, chairs, and other obstacles on the lane for you to overcome. You’ll have to complete each of the three Challenge categories once to move onto the next level, but you’ll unlock new balls and bowlers along the way.

One of High Velocity’s most baffling (though undeniably welcome) features is its use of Custom Soundtracks. Hitting select at any time will pop up a stripped-down version of the XMB with all of the mp3s that you have stored on your system. It doesn’t seem to support the system’s more esoteric music-playing features (such as album art or playlists), but you’re free to set repeat and shuffle options.

Considering the only music I have on my PS3 is that one Lair track they put up for download a couple of months ago, I set it to play that. Needless to say, EPIC BOWLING (and lulz) AHEAD! I’d recommend putting this feature to good use; otherwise, you’ll be stuck listening to kitschy lounge music the whole time.

Overall, it’s a good little package. High Velocity Bowling isn’t brimming with content, and its micro-transaction posturing is only a tad less annoying than it is in Pain (there’s an option on the main menu to “Buy Characters”), but the core game itself is infinitely replayable. Leaderboards are certainly a nice touch, but features similar to Wii Sports’ stat tracking are sorely missed. Likewise, character choices are dull and samey; some customization would’ve gone a long way to making the experience more enjoyable.

In terms of capturing the pedigree and mechanics of the original game, High Velocity arguably works a lot better, but it’s little touches like these that makes Nintendo’s “clean slate” approach to casual sports so compelling in the first place.

Tags: casual-games, high-velocity-bowling, motion-controls, Playstation 3, Playstation-Network, PSN, sixaxis, Sony-San-Diego, team-ramrod, wii-sports

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