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Many people have been wondering how the close relationship between game reviewers and publishers translates into critical articles that are viewed by the consumer. Publishers love a great review, and might slap a quote on their box, but if they’re not happy with your score, there’s hell to pay.

Due to a certain unpleasantness at a certain major game review website, we thought we should clarify what the 1-10 scale means for reviewers, from the point of view of the publishers.

10.0- You rule! You are handsome and sexually potent. Our booth babes will give you a full-body massage while we spoon-feed you succulent meals.
9.0- You’re pretty awesome! We’ll send you to a movie and put you up at a hotel on us, but let’s see you add an extra point before we grant your publication the next exclusive story.
icecream.jpg8.0- Disappointing, but adequate. Would a slightly harder backrub and a few more toppings on that sundae help bridge the last two points?
7tree.jpg7.0- Unpleasant. Clearly you don’t appreciate the effort that our developers put into the game. The marketers’ children are going to be crying that their parents couldn’t afford nicer Christmas gifts this year, all because you had to blow the Metacritic average and deny them their bonus.
fired.jpg6.0- You’re fucking fired.
tpaper.jpg5.0- How dare you? In what world is 5.0 an average score? Most gamers wouldn’t wipe their ass with a 5.0 game. A 5.0 is reserved for Chinese knockoffs and games based on Mattel toys. You suck.
punch.jpg4.0- You are a loser. You should be fired, excommunicated, and summarily shot. We have a punching bag at the office with your face on it.
monster.jpg3.0- I am lighting a torch and the sales team is gathering pitchforks. You are a monster and should be treated as such.
monkey.jpg2.0- That’s it, I’ve had it. You aren’t even doing your job. You aren’t a game reviewer so much as a monkey wearing man’s clothes. Scratch that, you are a virus, a plague on society and you should be wiped out before you infect others.
yousuck.jpg1.0- Actually, I agree. We didn’t put much time into this product, we were rushed, and we ran out of money halfway through. We own up to having produced a terrible game and thank you for your honesty. Just kidding, you still really suck.
angry.jpg0.0- Snarl, growl! Growl, growl, snarl!

Just remember, aspiring game journalists, that the burger bar and XL T-shirt may seem like they’re free, but they really cost you your readers’ trust. Happy credible game writing, everyone!