The 12 Days of Christmas: Revised for Gamers - Day 1

by Jonathan Zungre on December 14, 2007 at 9:33 pm

Is any song of the Christmas season less relatable than the Twelve Days of Christmas? Since when does Christmas have 12 days? How wealthy would you have to be to afford gifts like 5 gold rings or 12 pipers piping?

Also, what the hell is a lord-a-leaping? Why are half the gifts bird themed? Is there really a person who, after receiving 6 different bird species would say, “No honey, I wanted MORE birds”?

The only thing to be taken away from this archaic carol is the fact that Christmas would probably be a lot sweeter if we had someone wealthy giving us gifts for twelve days. Especially if the number of gifts we got went up with every subsequent day. But the best would be if this generous person themed the gifts around video games.

On the First day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:

Old Gift: A partridge in a pear tree.

Analysis: Strange.

plus

Ugly bird. Depressing tree.

Is this a fully grown pear tree? Or one of those cards that says they planted a tree for you this Christmas as your Christmas present? Because that’s just lame.

I think most gamers would prefer these:

yum yum gaming rocking chair

New Gaming Gift: The video game loving Girlfriend.

Analysis: Awesome.

My buddy told me a story of a girl who worked a job for 5 months, accumulated a load of cash and then took off two months to do nothing but play Everquest, morning to midnight. She did a similar thing for Counterstrike. That’s amazing, but maybe all you need is a girl that really loves games, someone who will help you figure out how to find the weak spot on a colossus or find the big key in the water temple.

I had the pleasure of having a girlfriend similar to this. Marvel at this sampled dialogue below.
Game: The Legend of Zelda: A Link to the Past

Me: Link is so tough.

Girlfriend: I don’t think Link is tough, I think he’s just brave.

Me: Wow. Hmm… I think you’re right.

She could have said, “I don’t know who Link is, I want new boots.” Instead, the Video Game Loving girlfriend correctly analyzed Link’s strongest qualities.

Game: X-men Legends

My friend: Wolverine’s powers all depend on his healing factor. Think about it, even when he pops his claws, they’re ripping through the flesh in his arms and knuckles.

Girlfriend: What about his sense of smell?

My friend: His heightened senses? Um…well…

Me: I think she just out-nerded you, buddy.

She could have said, “You guys are such nerds, you should probably be punished for taking joy in the things you take joy in.” Instead, the Video Game Loving girlfriend not only affirmed our nerdy discussion, but also lent her own nerdiness to it.

However, one thing we must realize about the Video Game Loving girlfriend is that she is still in fact, a girl. And that may mean that she won’t want you to be the Dark Jedi. She might want to play Animal Crossing instead of Call of Duty and you’ll have to be sensitive to that. She may even accuse you of “going home early to spend time with your virtual girlfriends in San Andreas.” That’s a toughy to get out of.

In the end, you’ve hurt my real relationships, hon.

And lastly, it’s important to remember that it may be a red flag if the Game Loving girlfriend starts loving games more than you. I know some would argue the pyramid example, that as you get closer to your love of games at the top of the pyramid, you get closer in your love for each other.

But, just to be cautious, I’d have a sit down meeting with her to let her know that you trust her even though she’s been spending so much time with so many strong male protagonists, like the ones in Halo or Final Fantasy. Remember, Master Chief is tall. Cloud is charismatic. Make sure she’s not too attached to them.