The 12 Days of Christmas, Revised for Gamers: Day 8
by Jonathan Zungre on December 21, 2007 at 12:39 pm
Is any song of the Christmas season less relatable than the Twelve Days of Christmas? Since when does Christmas have 12 days? How wealthy would you have to be to afford gifts like 5 gold rings or 12 pipers piping?
Old Gift: 8 Maids A-milking
Analysis: Sweet, delicious milk. Great for bones, but not much fun.
New Gift: 8 cool abilities from the gaming world
Have you ever wondered what else you could be doing with all the hours you use to play video games? Sometimes I find myself wishing that the skills and abilities I learned in video games actually transferred into real life. Some of these may surprise you, but if I could only pick eight abilities, I would choose the following:
1. Problem Solving: I want to solve most problems, including interpersonal ones, by using things in my inventory, which I store on my person. For example, rubber chicken plus garden hose equals handy barometer!
2. Conversational skills: I want conversations to work in real life the way it does in Bioware games, like Jade Empire or Mass Effect. When someone asks me a tough question, I only want four choices, and an indefinite amount of time to choose a response.
3. Wealth accumulation: I want to uproot bushes around people’s houses and I want to find jewels in those bushes.
4. Networking: I want to be able to network like Tommy Vercetti in Vice City. Complete a freelance job and another opens up immediately. Do well and employers start calling you with simple jobs that make you thousands of dollars.
5. Healing: Call of Duty style. Took three bullets to the face? No problem! Just crouch and stay still for second and you’ll heal right up! There should be a way to heal emotionally as well. Girlfriend cheated on you? Just stick your head in the trash can for 10 seconds. You’ll be fine!
6. Attracting girls: I want to attract girls the way Lionhead teaches me in Fable. Just show off the trophies of my exploits. I want to strut into a club with my 7th grade third place wrestling trophy and be completely confident that I won’t be alone for the rest of my life.
7. Eating: In video games, eating restores your health. In real life your eating is probably destroying your health. I’d love to withstand a bullet wound and heal like Wolverine because I ate a ham sandwich. Also, I want to eat an entire turkey like the guys in Final Fight.
8. Unlimited retries: Fail until you win, and when you win have everyone react like you did it all on the first try.
We like games because they suggest an alternate reality that is impossible but desirable. With a few extra powers like those we see in our favorite games, the world would be a much better place. And isn’t that what Christmas is all about?
12 Days of Christmas, for Gamers: 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12
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- The 12 Days of Christmas, Revised for Gamers: Day 6
- The 12 Days of Christmas, Revised for Gamers: Day 5
- The 12 Days of Christmas: Revised for Gamers - Day 2
- The 12 Days of Christmas: Revised for Gamers - Day 4
- The 12 Days of Christmas, Revised for Gamers: Day 11
- The 12 Days of Christmas, Revised for Gamers: Day 9
- The 12 Days of Christmas: Revised for Gamers - Day 3
- The 12 Days of Christmas, Revised for Gamers: Day 10
on December 22, 2007 2:29 pm
No double jump?
That would be first on my list.
Or actually…if you like super smash bros. Why not a triple jump?
Kite stuck in a tree? I think not…
on December 22, 2007 3:45 pm
i’d really like cheatcodes in life. out of money? key in a cheatcode and voila, full bank account.
really hilarious article, good job!
on December 22, 2007 3:51 pm
i would like the power to carry hundreds of items with me, and any amount of guns that i can find as well. if i could carry thousands of pounds of jewels, guns, and supplies, i don’t think that i would ever need to contribute to society.
on December 22, 2007 4:23 pm
I definitely have to go with the cheat codes. You can pretty much get whatever you want. Plus there are always those weird codes where you can make everyone’s head huge or play as any character. That could be fun.
Great post.
on December 22, 2007 5:17 pm
I want to gain other peoples abilities after I beat them up like in Megaman. Big math test coming up? Beat up the guy who’s got a 105% in the class and take his math skills.
on December 22, 2007 6:08 pm
I would probably pick most of them from the final Fantasy games..especially a couple of summons.
on December 22, 2007 6:35 pm
I would like to have a sexy A.I. like Cortana in my head figuring everything before me…
on December 22, 2007 6:35 pm
quick save anyone?
on December 22, 2007 7:14 pm
Give me a nanosuit with thrusters, resistance to harsh conditions (including extreme heat, cold, and radioactivity), underwater breathing, vision enhancements (including zoom, heuristic target recognition, and night vision), GPS, regeneration, on-demand cloaking, hardening, speed, and strength enhancements, and a super battery that recharges in completely in 10 seconds and I’ll be alright.
on December 22, 2007 7:28 pm
I would like the ability eat different flavored jellybeans and turn into various weapons/tools for people to use … especially the ever useful hummingbird.
I would like to have a bionic arm that I can extend to grab things/push away soldiers/swing around on things.
I would like a Spread gun. A freeze gun would work too (in case we were invaded by jellyfish looking things).
I would like to be able to gain XP and get new abilities and crap. “You have completed a TPS report. You have gained 25 XP. You have obtained Paper Clip. You have learned a new skill ‘Brown Nose.’”
on December 22, 2007 7:29 pm
Actually, you REALLY learn useful life skills when playing computer games. Problem-solving, quick association, managing your visual field, shifting information with ease, these are just some of the skills that are honed when playing.
Go read Stephen Johnson’s “Everything Bad is Good for You” and you’ll know why today’s technology is simply helping evolve human beings for tomorrow.
on December 22, 2007 8:21 pm
i’d really like cheatcodes in life.
The most useful cheat would be infinite lifes or invulnerability. ;)
The 2nd place for infinite money.
The 3rd place for infinite ammo (for all the weapons)
Other useful cheats: Modify matches’ results, see cards of your opponent(s)…
And to use the ‘pause’ key to stop all whenever you want. XDDD
The fast save is very reccomended, after saving you can edit the file and change date, time, money, and all the things you want. XD
really hilarious article, good job!
on December 23, 2007 12:02 am
I already have all those.
on December 23, 2007 12:56 am
personally, i want the abilities of the guy from assassins creed… climbing anywhere and im good to go
on December 23, 2007 2:48 am
thanks guys!
how about this simple one from GTA. “start your car (or any car) without the keys instantly.”
on December 23, 2007 7:00 am
…play as a man or woman…
on December 23, 2007 9:24 am
I’m with mastathizz on quick saves. Actually, normal saves is fine. I don’t mind clicking a few mental buttons to save a moment of my life so I can retry later if I goof up.
Like say asking that girl in class for a date … ;)
Or … saving someone’s life … :)
on December 23, 2007 8:49 pm
i want to be the character in the lego star wars, they never die
on December 26, 2007 1:53 pm
I’d pull awesome powers from all the D&D video games and various MMOs. Someone pisses you off? Cast mind control and have them jump off a bridge or take off their clothes and run naked through traffic. Late for work? Cast teleport. Wanna ask that hot chick out but you’re worried she’ll shoot you down? Try a charm person spell to improve your chances…