Is any song of the Christmas season less relatable than the Twelve Days of Christmas? Since when does Christmas have 12 days? How wealthy would you have to be to afford gifts like 5 gold rings or 12 pipers piping?

Old Gift: 8 Maids A-milking

Analysis: Sweet, delicious milk. Great for bones, but not much fun.

New Gift: 8 cool abilities from the gaming world

Have you ever wondered what else you could be doing with all the hours you use to play video games? Sometimes I find myself wishing that the skills and abilities I learned in video games actually transferred into real life. Some of these may surprise you, but if I could only pick eight abilities, I would choose the following:

1. Problem Solving: I want to solve most problems, including interpersonal ones, by using things in my inventory, which I store on my person. For example, rubber chicken plus garden hose equals handy barometer!

2. Conversational skills: I want conversations to work in real life the way it does in Bioware games, like Jade Empire or Mass Effect. When someone asks me a tough question, I only want four choices, and an indefinite amount of time to choose a response.

3. Wealth accumulation: I want to uproot bushes around people’s houses and I want to find jewels in those bushes.

4. Networking: I want to be able to network like Tommy Vercetti in Vice City. Complete a freelance job and another opens up immediately. Do well and employers start calling you with simple jobs that make you thousands of dollars.

5. Healing: Call of Duty style. Took three bullets to the face? No problem! Just crouch and stay still for second and you’ll heal right up! There should be a way to heal emotionally as well. Girlfriend cheated on you? Just stick your head in the trash can for 10 seconds. You’ll be fine!

6. Attracting girls: I want to attract girls the way Lionhead teaches me in Fable. Just show off the trophies of my exploits. I want to strut into a club with my 7th grade third place wrestling trophy and be completely confident that I won’t be alone for the rest of my life.

7. Eating: In video games, eating restores your health. In real life your eating is probably destroying your health. I’d love to withstand a bullet wound and heal like Wolverine because I ate a ham sandwich. Also, I want to eat an entire turkey like the guys in Final Fight.

8. Unlimited retries: Fail until you win, and when you win have everyone react like you did it all on the first try.

We like games because they suggest an alternate reality that is impossible but desirable. With a few extra powers like those we see in our favorite games, the world would be a much better place. And isn’t that what Christmas is all about?

12 Days of Christmas, for Gamers: 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12

Tags: 12-days-of-christmas-Gaming, Video-Gaming-12-days-of-christmas

• The 12 Days of Christmas, Revised for Gamers: Day 6
• The 12 Days of Christmas, Revised for Gamers: Day 5
• The 12 Days of Christmas: Revised for Gamers - Day 2
• The 12 Days of Christmas: Revised for Gamers - Day 4
• The 12 Days of Christmas, Revised for Gamers: Day 11
• The 12 Days of Christmas, Revised for Gamers: Day 9
• The 12 Days of Christmas: Revised for Gamers - Day 3
• The 12 Days of Christmas, Revised for Gamers: Day 10