The 12 Days of Christmas, Revised for Gamers: Day 9

by Jonathan Zungre on December 22, 2007 at 11:52 pm

Is any song of the Christmas season less relatable than the Twelve Days of Christmas? Since when does Christmas have 12 days? How wealthy would you have to be to afford gifts like 5 gold rings or 12 pipers piping?

Old gift: 9 ladies dancing

Analysis: Polka dancing? That might be ok.

New gift: 9 games…from the future!

Analysis: Great Scott!

This Christmas, I’m getting Mass Effect from Santa, which is pretty great. But you know what I thought would be better? A time machine. No, not so I could kill Hitler as a child, but so I could go into the second quarter of ’08 and snag me a Grand Theft Auto 4! Big picture here, people!

And since I’ve already been to the future and now I’m back, let me tell you what the greatest games of the future are…or were…I mean, will be.

1. Metal Gear Solid 4: Gets below average reviews on all media outlets due to its 7 second stealth action segments followed by Snake narrating chapters of Nietzsche and Descartes. Most players still dig it though. No one ever questions the nickname “Solid Snake.”

2. The Silver Lining: Fan created follow up to the Kings Quest Series outsells Mario 3 and relaunches American passion for traditional adventure games. Haha, jk, jk. Worldwide passion.

3. UFC: Is 8 Times Better Than Boxing or WWE: Randy Couture for President (Inaugural Edition). The new Ultimate Fighting Championship game outsells Madden and takes an ironic twist when Randy Couture does in fact become president of the United States by KO’ing Hillary Clinton in the third round.

4. Fallout 3: Bethesda bumps its fall ’08 release to a January 4th ’08 release. Game is mostly unfinished but if you pre-order they encase it in a missile and launch it out of a Russian silo into your front yard.

5. Grand Theft Auto 4: “Illegal Immigrants are Tough Too”. After the release of GTA 4: IITT every once-critical politician praises Rockstar’s ability to make minority groups look completely hardboiled and awesome. Rockstar announces Grand Theft Auto: Alpha Centauri, in which you play a limbless albino.

6. Wii Date: Mii’s seem to grow tired of each other, no matter how strong the initial attraction. Reminds us of the sad state of human relationships. Cute Mii’s help it sell amazingly well.

7. L.A. Noir: This PS3 exclusive becomes a multi-platform title and then an Xbox 360 exclusive. All the PS3 fanboys freak out, and in response 2K decides that they’re only going to release it on the Wii. Then only the N-gage. Wins game of the year.

8. Don King’s Crazy Ass Pugilism (working title): “Working Title” was included in the final title. Fantastic Boxing game that would rival EA’s Fight Night if end boss Don King wasn’t so unbalanced.

9. Killzone 2: This game turns out to be the biggest surprise hit of 2008, although early estimates of 20 different guns reduces to 5 and then and then just 1, which they call “The Needler.”

And that’s the future kids, don’t try to change it. Already tried to change the future of the Virtual Boy. That killed some relatives you would have known.

12 Days of Christmas, for Gamers: 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12