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You may or may not recall a little debacle about the “Hot Coffee” mod for Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas. It was a cute little mini-game that allowed virtual you to have virtual sex with your virtual girlfriend. Even though the content was locked away because of the ESRB, it was still on the retail disc.

This was somehow offensive to people, and Rockstar was sued. Now that the lawsuit is settled, all the hypocritical pussies out there can get their slice of the censorship pie with a cash settlement of up to $35. Sweet justice!

I just recently found out about the settlement through a legal notice in the March issue of OXM. It basically states that if you purchased GTA: San Andreas before July 20, 2005, you most likely have a “first edition” disc that has the “Hot Coffee” content on it. If so, you can get in on the class action settlement, with differing amounts of cash depending on your “proof of offense”.

The basic rundown is like so:

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I have some major issues with this. First of all, who has kept a receipt for a game they bought in 2005? Basically, nobody is “entitled” to the max amount of “up to $35″. Secondly, just claiming you bought the game is worth up to $5. This whole thing seems like a ploy to get people to jump on the “videogames are bad” bandwagon. Third, these numbers represent the maximum you could receive. The actual amount will be prorated based on the number of people who file a claim.

So the people that were actually “offended” can get a replacement disc, given they still have the game. This I can understand, but at the same time, anyone interested in GTA in the first place should be able to handle some virtual sex (especially when it’s not even in the game unless you want it to be) to offset all the killing. By contrast, the lawyers, who were personally not affected by the game, have claimed a million-dollar fee. Seems a little backwards, doesn’t it?

On top of all that, why would they advertise this in a gaming magazine? I mean, obviously there’s a good chance that the people who played San Andreas are, you know, gamers. They obviously would read about games — that makes sense. The type of people that are that into games that they actually get magazines about them, however, are also the type of people that would see this settlement notice and flip off that page of their magazine.

This brings me to the thing that really fills me with homicidal rage — “Hot Coffee” is a mod. It it completely inaccessible unless you purposely want to see it. On top of that, you can’t see it on the PS2 or Xbox unless you mod your console, WHICH IS ILLEGAL YOU FUCKING IDIOTS! People need to go out of their way to install a mod chip, breaking the law, in order to view this content. Even the PC version required you to violate the software agreement.

This is basically the equivalent of buying a Mustang, pulling out the speed limiter (which is illegal), and then suing Ford because driving really fast was so scary. They had the tools in place to block that, and you purposely circumvented that in order to do whatever you wanted. How exactly was this their fault? Next thing you know there will be a class action lawsuit against Hotmail for allowing porn in my mailbox. The horror!

The bottom line is that we live in a fucked-up country where it is okay to kill people, but not to have sex with them. Blame those Puritan assholes and their crazy feelings for turkey. The U.S. needs to take a cue from Europe and put some more boobies on television. Make love, not war, right?

Anyways, if you are interested in this waste of carbon or want something to shake your fist at, visit the settlement website at www.gtasettlement.com. Part of your legal rights is the ability to say you are not happy with the settlement, in which case you can write to the court with your complaints or comments. An address for said court is conveniently not given.