The Brouhaha: How Solid Is Solid Snake’s Snake?
Come on, Snake! Take advantage of that head placement!
Excited public interest and discussion, especially over a minor or ridiculous cause – that’s what brouhaha means for the vocabularily challenged out there. For all you wordsmiths that already knew that, please don’t bust my balls on the word “vocabularily”. Anyways, The Brouhaha is a new column here at Ripten where you all can discuss something ridiculous, subject chosen by us, of course. This week, the topic on the table is: Solid Snake’s manliness.
For starters, most people over the age of 12 are well aware that Solid Snake is a euphemism for “boner”. In fact, everything about Metal Gear Solid is totally perverted. From the naked, cartwheeling Raiden in MGS2 to the codename of Big Boss in MGS3, Naked Snake (because they didn’t use condoms back in 1964), everything is about dongs (and nakedness). Seriously, do you remember the Twin Snakes print ads?
I mean, come on! The game is called Twin Snakes, and here we see two dudes standing back to back with the triggers of their pistols very clearly showcasing wang. I find it hard to believe the placement of those triggers wasn’t intentional.
Throughout the series, Snake has come across very James Bond-like, especially with that opening sequence in MGS3. Unlike Bond, however, do we know if Snake has ever really scored with any of his leading ladies? He chats it up real smooth with Meryl, Natasha, Naomi, Mei Ling, Otacon, and your mom — and that’s just the first Metal Gear Solid — yet does he ever get anywhere? Is Solid Snake capable of fathering children, or is that something only Liquid Snake can do?
I’m sure that there are plenty of you that are more geekified in Metal Gear lore than I am, and maybe you know the answers to some of these questions. Maybe there was a cutscene I missed that has Solid Snake making out with one of the many chicks that have been in his games. Maybe Snake is just covering his homosexual urges to do naked cartwheels with Raiden. Perhaps all of these questions will be answered in MGS4…
Subject acquired. Please discuss.
