Vagina Hero: Exclusive First Look

by Dan Landis on July 3, 2008 at 10:04 am

Not content with the current level of Guitar Hero milking, what if Activision decided to take it to the next level with yet another game? We suggest — Vagina Hero!

We all know what the girls are thinking anyways when they get all googily-faced over guitarists, even fake guitarists. Might as well stop faking the funk and try to teach them boys something useful. So sit back and indulge, as we transport you to an alternate reality where a publisher by the name of “Arctivision” gives birth to “Vagina Hero”.

At first glance, Vagina Hero may seem overly complicated. Welcome to real life. The in-game screen above actually shows finger cues for the easy difficulty setting. Arctivision reps claim that expert difficulty is pretty much impossible unless you invest in the Pro Bundle, which they explain as so:

“The Pro Bundle is essentially no different than the normal bundle, it just costs about $600 extra. We wanted to prepare our players for the inevitable truth that dudes with money are more successful with women, even if they aren’t any more skilled. We also offer a Girl Power Pack, but we aren’t ready to discuss the details of that quite yet.”

Isn’t this offensive? Doesn’t Arctivision worry that female gamers will be outraged by Vagina Hero?

“Absolutely not. If anything, we are doing women a great service. We are making foreplay interesting and exciting for guys while simultaneously giving them the practice they need so they know what they’re doing when they get there. I think women should be excited by the idea of no longer walking away from a sexual encounter with blue balls, or whatever the equivalent of that would be for women.”

Sounds like he hasn’t played enough of his own game. Speaking of which, we had a few hours to spend with a preview build of the game last night. So how does it play?

Okay, the best way I can explain it is that Vagina Hero is equal parts music-rhythm game, simulation, and real-time strategy. Basically what I’m saying is that it’s complicated.

The stages in Vagina Hero are women, much like the individual songs in previous Hero games released by a completely different publisher that is in no way related to Arctivision. There is no background or story explaining how you suddenly find yourself with a naked vagina in your face — the stage loads up and it’s just there.

Classy 70’s-style bow-chika-wow-wow starts playing, and you find your screen assaulted with colored button-press indicators called “E-Zones”. The E-Zones (or “EZ’s”) correspond to the same colored buttons on your Vagina Hero controller, dubbed “HodgePodge”. Why HodgePodge?

“Just look at it. What the fuck is that? We designed it and we don’t even really know. We tried to stay true to real thing, but that’s the best we could do.”

Vagina Hero controller - aka: HodgePodge

As the EZ’s approach the middle of the screen, you need to tap the corresponding EZ button on your controller. Sounds easy enough, but this bitch has 6 buttons! Apparently, if you want to be a serious player, you need to get creative.

“Most people just use their thumb and pointer finger on their off-hand, but we’ve had a few people use other body parts. Personally, if you want to really see what you’re doing, the two hand approach is best. You could also just mash all the buttons at the same time with your fist and hope to get lucky.”

The goal, ultimately, is to fill the climax meter. Successful combos and streaks fill it up faster, and unlike previous Hero games by that other totally unrelated publisher, there is no time frame. The sooner you’re done, the sooner you can move on to the next girl. You can also speed things up by initiating Vagina Hero’s version of Star Power, “The Shocker”, by jamming the yellow, orange, and blue buttons simultaneously.

Overall, the game looks very promising. Arctivision confirmed that there would be a multiplayer mode, but they weren’t ready to discuss that quite yet. The only info we could pry out of them was that “multiplayer will quite literally blow your pants off.” Cryptic…

Arctivision left us with these final words as they ushered us out the door:

“Harmondix may have a leg up on us, but we’re not jerking around any more. We’re serious. We’re in this for the long haul, and we won’t stop until our fans are satisfied, and they’re never satisfied… which means we won’t stop.”

Oooo-kay…

Vagina Hero is tentatively scheduled for release this holiday on the Xbox 360, PS3, and Wii.

Words by Dan. Pictures by Chad.

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Tags: Activision, Arctivison, HodgePodge, Oh my God I'm gonna...., The Shocker, Vagina Hero

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Comments »

Dan Landis
on July 3, 2008 10:37 am

No I didn’t just write that!
Kojima Suit Larry
on July 3, 2008 10:40 am

Thats too bad Dan. That is one of the funniest things I have read in a long time. I am still laughing.
Retarded Penguin
on July 3, 2008 10:44 am

i can barely see to type. the tears are still rolling out of my eyes. hahahaha
PortalPunta
on July 3, 2008 10:45 am

I am OFFENDED!!!! Just kidding. That was funny.
Bruce Almighty
on July 3, 2008 10:58 am

“You can also speed things up by initiating Vagina Hero’s version of Star Power, “The Shocker”, by jamming the yellow, orange, and blue buttons simultaneously.”

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAA!!!!!
Dr. Muhbutwiches
on July 3, 2008 11:15 am

The implications of this article point to a very dirty birdy. You have trust issues and insecurities with women.

That being said, when can I play this?
Iceman Pwns
on July 3, 2008 11:36 am

Finally a game I can lock myself in the bathroom and play! Thanks ripten.
Tomonoatmeal Cookigaki
on July 3, 2008 11:54 am

What is this!? Cookigaki does not approve! Oh wait… yes he does!
madpuppy
on July 3, 2008 12:16 pm

what was it you said about digg users again?
Dan Landis
on July 3, 2008 12:19 pm

That I love them and appreciate their support?
Chad Lakkis
on July 3, 2008 3:56 pm

Dan and I love everyone, and to show each and every one of you just how much we care, everyone who comments on this post will receive a copy of Vagina Hero in the event it is ever made on us!

Now that’s love.

Chad-
Patrick Steen
on July 3, 2008 5:46 pm

Made ON you? >_<
LC
on July 3, 2008 6:48 pm

Well, I’m in for one.
SeasonedSalt
on July 3, 2008 7:42 pm

You’d like to be in for one but I think the HodgePodge will be resistant to your advances. Personally I don’t see why this needs to be so complicated. You really don’t need anything more than the red button to beat the game.
imvain2
on July 16, 2008 5:24 pm

I sooo want to create a flash version of this game!

For that matter, even create a similar offline controller.
RevVoice
on July 25, 2008 1:43 pm

Just so you guys know - I’ve heard that the giant red button is a myth.
Jules
on July 25, 2008 8:29 pm

HA LOVE IT, but stay away from that blue button ;)
topher
on July 26, 2008 9:54 pm

this may be the best thing ive seen today.
javier casares gonzalez.
on August 29, 2008 8:00 am

Anatomia de una Vagina…
YourMother’sVagina
on October 12, 2008 3:41 pm

You’re a son of a bitch…The children must not see this things…
Well I laugh, but you must be more responsable…
Ryan
on October 12, 2008 3:59 pm

Instead of blaming the people who write the articles, parents should take a more active role in their child’s Internet activities.
Geek
on October 13, 2008 11:03 pm

I agree Ryan, but does a kid googling guitar hero and coming across this site constitute a lack of parental guidance?

if (think > speak)
{
ripten.commentAway = true;
}
else
{
break;
}
Gilberto R.
on October 15, 2008 12:27 am

Wow, I really will love to try that. Really, will it be out for Xbox 360 this holliday?
Chad Lakkis
on October 15, 2008 3:58 am

@Geek,

I did a google search for “guitar hero” and tabbed through about 5 pages of results — not one instance of this article. So unless a kid is searching for vagina hero, I doubt he/she will find this.
b00nd0x
on October 17, 2008 6:57 am

shame there’s no LICK feature that senses when u tongue it!!! ROFLMFAO hahaha
Stumpy
on October 21, 2008 6:03 pm

I love the concept however what I want to know is, can a one-armed man such as myself successfully play this game? That being said, I love it!!!!!! Three big thumbs wayyyyyyyyyy up!!!!
Chad Lakkis
on October 21, 2008 6:59 pm

Hey Stumpy,

Of course you can, and on a side note, having one arm and three thumbs is amazing. You deserve your own game for that.

Chad-
zach
on October 22, 2008 10:27 am

ROFL!!! fucking halarious…but seriously is it real????? plz someone email me or reply on here cuz i wanna play.
brad.storch
on October 28, 2008 1:29 am

Parents should watch what their kid is googling!
kurosaki
on October 30, 2008 4:41 am

this could be the holy grail of game ideas. im surprised arctivision hadnt thought of this sooner. the multi-player will be similar to Bop-It! after a good run you have to pass it to a friend to inish your dirty work.

and three thumbs dude…youre great
Dan Landis
on October 30, 2008 10:12 am

Thanks for the kind words. It’s nice to know that people are still stumbling upon Vagina Hero and enjoying it.
Seacow
on October 30, 2008 6:53 pm

Hahahaha, best thing I’ve read in quite awhile.

“You could also just mash all the buttons at the same time with your fist and hope to get lucky”

^^
Wesley
on November 3, 2008 6:44 am

This is awesome hahahaha hope the DLC wont suffice hahahaha im hoping for Karmen Electra hahahaha
Anonymous
on November 11, 2008 6:45 pm

Hahaha, amazing. I want one.
On another note, I believe children should not be allowed to use google.
Thats just giving them a portal to find the exact opposite of what your trying to keep them from.
Only bookmarked sites should be viewable and they should ask for you to find a website on what they are wanting to see.
Awesome article btw guys, made my day.
mr. Electic
on November 16, 2008 4:29 am

hahahahaha! funniest thing i’ve seen today. :)
but seriously, you can’t play this at rentals..
people will call the police right away!
sam
on November 26, 2008 8:49 pm

that’s not funny at all,although I’m a man i don’t know how do these people create an offensive stuff like this???.
they should respect their wives and daughters
mr vain
on November 26, 2008 8:58 pm

sam:

This is actually respectful of women. It’s only disrespectful if you want it to be.

This is respectful, because it brings attention to the fact that most men don’t know how to please a women and doesn’t know much about the idiosyncrasies of the female’s anatomy. This is all done in a humorous way.
Dan Landis
on November 26, 2008 9:01 pm

You’re so wrong, Mr. Vain. I wrote this because I totally hate my wife and daughter and would do anything in my power to disrespect them. And I didn’t want this to be humorous, either — this is 100% serious stuff here.

In closing, White Power!
flickswitch
on November 27, 2008 6:29 am

There’s a huge demand for a flick switch too,
a kind of switch that can be activated with your tongue
Lance
on November 27, 2008 10:28 pm

This is hilarious. The only reason I didn’t actually laugh was because everyone else in my house is asleep.
netplayground
on November 28, 2008 4:14 pm

Shouldn’t the BLUE button really be a BROWN button?
Dan Landis
on November 28, 2008 6:11 pm

You’re sick!
netplayground
on November 29, 2008 10:46 am

re: Blue vs Brown
In the article you say “We tried to stay true to real thing …”. Last I checked only Smurfs have blue poo.

- Netplayground
Dan Landis
on November 29, 2008 12:29 pm

Only if they eat other Smurfs. Anyone can have blue poo depending on what they eat.

And last time I checked, most vaginas didn’t have analog sticks either. Don’t be so literal.
Pete Bogs
on November 29, 2008 4:01 pm

why isn’t that blue button brown?
Dan Landis
on November 29, 2008 7:24 pm

That’s a joke, right?
Jamez D.
on December 1, 2008 9:14 pm

uhmm, what about a Wii version of this?? uhuh.. LOL**
Belgarion
on December 2, 2008 12:54 am

I’d buy it for the controller alone. Pure genius.
meerkat
on December 6, 2008 3:02 pm

wt…?
Shadow
on December 10, 2008 12:54 am

Twat’s that?I cunt hear you gays,I have an ear infucktion,cunt you spill it for me?cum again,twat did you say?Oh wait let me finger it out.

everyone here is laughing so hard we may need to go outside in case we piss ouselves,(my wife is pretty mad about this,but who cares for once I can hit all the right buttons and make not only her orgasm) RIGHT ON!!!
Hestam
on December 26, 2008 4:03 pm

Hope it`ll be only 1 player game, i wont like to play it with friends!!!!!!

Grreat idea !!!!

LOL
blank american
on December 31, 2008 3:55 am

ha ha i thought this was a very different approach to get mo women gamers
Diggi dan
on January 17, 2009 5:51 am

dan landis can suck my cock what the hell is with the bullshit whitepower ya hobo’s dick cheese
Dan Landis
on January 17, 2009 12:43 pm

Wut?
sprawl
on February 6, 2009 4:07 pm

Does this peripheral work with any other games?
Maybe I have problems but I would love to use this with Cooking Mama
Mike
on February 8, 2009 8:27 pm

“Multiplayer will blow your pants off”
Wow dude, that is just too good.
Imagine this at bars and clubs too…
this is funi
on February 12, 2009 11:11 am

…………i have no real idea on how i got here but this is awesome, as for the stuff bout kids googling it, screw that. parents should put cybernannies on it, and (a realli important thing) NOWHERE on the box cover is there an age limit, therefore its fun for the whole family XD
vlastyr
on February 14, 2009 2:17 am

Sweeeeet :)) Yes for Single Player! I wouldnt wanna share my Vagina(Hero) with another dude :))) This is funny.
John Wayne
on February 27, 2009 6:28 pm

You don’t have to Google for Guitar Hero to find this… I found it looking for Halo.

But I agree with Sam. You lot have no respect for women. We shouldn’t even joke about serious stuff like this. God gave the power to create to humans hoping they wouldn’t abuse it, and look what you’ve done…
Dan Landis
on February 27, 2009 6:32 pm

That’s a joke… right?
Fred_N
on March 3, 2009 9:53 am

Am I right in assuming that the people who think this article is offensive to women don’t have girlfriends and think that the only way to get a girlfriend is to not find a joke, with reference to women, funny!?

Either way, brilliant dude this is just what the internet needs more of! Real, honest, helpful news! keep up the good work. I look forward to your next review.
muthafuca
on March 3, 2009 7:41 pm

knd cool though..id lyk 2 try it.
fobico
on March 9, 2009 1:16 pm

Just for adult..???
John Wayne
on March 11, 2009 9:14 pm

While it’s true that I don’t currently have a girlfriend, Fred, I would not enjoy this even if I did. It’s a blatant slap-in-the-face to that great Jehovah who created Adam and Eve and the world on which they lived (which happens to be where we still live).

If this “game” were real, putting women’s sanctity out where anyone could touch it, it would create a world even less sensitive than it currently is. Let’s just go back to living in caves and wearing absolutely nothing, shall we? Show off those awesome parts of us that ought to be saved for marriage for the whole world to see!
Fred_N
on March 12, 2009 2:37 am

Now now lets not make this a religious debate someone might get offended. This is a comment page, insults should be taken with a pinch of salt. The point is the game is not real and Dan has written an awesome mock revue. Whether it appeals to your tastes or not is irrelevant but please don’t get religious on me just chill out dude don’t be so sensitive! and if you want to take your clothes off and walk around good for you. I will go only as far as to take my hat off to you.
The_dark_shiznit
on March 16, 2009 4:27 pm

Religion has NEVER had a place in video games. And I speak for every gamer and/or nerd on this website when I say that. Remember the nintendo bible games, I do. Case closed.
But on the other key, nice job, this is comedian material.
R.
on March 17, 2009 9:55 pm

While this is hilarious…The_dark_shiznit, you must not play many video games. Religion plays a major factor in some games. God of War. Final Fantasy X. Devil May Cry 4. Shin Megami Tensei: Nocturne. Religion is almost everywhere. That’s why we have “god games”.
Fred_N
on March 18, 2009 12:58 am

so um does this mean we ARE going with the religion thing? that’s cool as long as we’re all agreed on not taking things to heart… everyone… good carry on…… Dinosaurs…
supervman
on April 4, 2009 7:25 pm

http://www.newgrounds.com/portal/view/180106
Lennon
on April 19, 2009 12:34 am

Hahahaahah I hope this is real. XD I really do!
CorpHicks
on April 24, 2009 9:30 pm

Yawn…old news. That controller image is years old.
CorpHicks
on April 24, 2009 9:31 pm

Do you not like people hittin' your blue button? I'm down blue.
"You're my boy Blue!"
Brandon
on May 11, 2009 4:08 am

Photoshoped
Dan Landis
on May 11, 2009 4:37 am

About a year old, actually. Maybe you should pay more attention to when this was written.
Brandon_Twat
on May 14, 2009 6:33 pm

Ya think??
LordBane999
on May 20, 2009 7:55 pm

lol i found this page from google, but i was searching for family guy references about fishing

p.s. you know this would be a great game idea for certain adult game companies to pick up *wink* *wink*
Natasha M
on May 21, 2009 2:25 am

Haha. This would be the most perfect game.
I'm a girl, I don't see how this offends anyone.
I think it's an amazing idea… :D
Joe
on May 25, 2009 7:55 pm

I'm just gonna say to you and this might come as a shocker, but you know there is no God right? It's just a very nice written out fairy tale that seems believable, but really isn't. When was the last time I've heard of a living being coming back to life…um oh that's right, NEVER! Sorry to offend you on what you think you know, but things don't just pop up from thin air either so get that fact into your head…and um Go Evolution! lol
Videogamer
on June 12, 2009 6:51 pm

Good God that's some funny stuff!
clean
on June 19, 2009 8:25 pm

that is messed up.
Helpfull-me
on June 23, 2009 3:08 pm

It will never be enough to educate the straight male population. It's a well-meaning gesture for sure but full of crap.

Here's a tip, guys: try using your mouth instead of your fingers.
Anon
on June 26, 2009 10:57 pm

Hmm, I am a woman and find this shit fucking hilarious.

Men bitching about something only a woman should care about piss me off. STFU and go fap to Jesus, kthx.
Don't helpfull-me
on July 1, 2009 5:26 am

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

Is it a real game???
i know everything about WWII
on July 4, 2009 12:34 am

dude that’s funny and joe i believe in evilution but i also believe in god kinda!!!!!!!!!!
i know everything about WWII
on July 4, 2009 12:39 am

and is there any acceseries fo da controller if ya know wat i mean it might make it easier
i know everything about WWII
on July 4, 2009 12:43 am

oh and 2 late children have seen it im 12 bitch!!!
cowlevel
on July 4, 2009 6:36 pm

This is a joke right? If this is real it's the most ridiculous thing I've ever seen.

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