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Vagina Hero: Exclusive First Look

by Dan Landis on July 3, 2008 at 10:04 am

Not content with the current level of Guitar Hero milking, what if Activision decided to take it to the next level with yet another game? We suggest — Vagina Hero!

We all know what the girls are thinking anyways when they get all googily-faced over guitarists, even fake guitarists. Might as well stop faking the funk and try to teach them boys something useful. So sit back and indulge, as we transport you to an alternate reality where a publisher by the name of “Arctivision” gives birth to “Vagina Hero”.

At first glance, Vagina Hero may seem overly complicated. Welcome to real life. The in-game screen above actually shows finger cues for the easy difficulty setting. Arctivision reps claim that expert difficulty is pretty much impossible unless you invest in the Pro Bundle, which they explain as so:

“The Pro Bundle is essentially no different than the normal bundle, it just costs about $600 extra. We wanted to prepare our players for the inevitable truth that dudes with money are more successful with women, even if they aren’t any more skilled. We also offer a Girl Power Pack, but we aren’t ready to discuss the details of that quite yet.”

Isn’t this offensive? Doesn’t Arctivision worry that female gamers will be outraged by Vagina Hero?

“Absolutely not. If anything, we are doing women a great service. We are making foreplay interesting and exciting for guys while simultaneously giving them the practice they need so they know what they’re doing when they get there. I think women should be excited by the idea of no longer walking away from a sexual encounter with blue balls, or whatever the equivalent of that would be for women.”

Sounds like he hasn’t played enough of his own game. Speaking of which, we had a few hours to spend with a preview build of the game last night. So how does it play?

Okay, the best way I can explain it is that Vagina Hero is equal parts music-rhythm game, simulation, and real-time strategy. Basically what I’m saying is that it’s complicated.

The stages in Vagina Hero are women, much like the individual songs in previous Hero games released by a completely different publisher that is in no way related to Arctivision. There is no background or story explaining how you suddenly find yourself with a naked vagina in your face — the stage loads up and it’s just there.

Classy 70’s-style bow-chika-wow-wow starts playing, and you find your screen assaulted with colored button-press indicators called “E-Zones”. The E-Zones (or “EZ’s”) correspond to the same colored buttons on your Vagina Hero controller, dubbed “HodgePodge”. Why HodgePodge?

“Just look at it. What the fuck is that? We designed it and we don’t even really know. We tried to stay true to real thing, but that’s the best we could do.”


Vagina Hero controller - aka: HodgePodge

As the EZ’s approach the middle of the screen, you need to tap the corresponding EZ button on your controller. Sounds easy enough, but this bitch has 6 buttons! Apparently, if you want to be a serious player, you need to get creative.

“Most people just use their thumb and pointer finger on their off-hand, but we’ve had a few people use other body parts. Personally, if you want to really see what you’re doing, the two hand approach is best. You could also just mash all the buttons at the same time with your fist and hope to get lucky.”

The goal, ultimately, is to fill the climax meter. Successful combos and streaks fill it up faster, and unlike previous Hero games by that other totally unrelated publisher, there is no time frame. The sooner you’re done, the sooner you can move on to the next girl. You can also speed things up by initiating Vagina Hero’s version of Star Power, “The Shocker”, by jamming the yellow, orange, and blue buttons simultaneously.

Overall, the game looks very promising. Arctivision confirmed that there would be a multiplayer mode, but they weren’t ready to discuss that quite yet. The only info we could pry out of them was that “multiplayer will quite literally blow your pants off.” Cryptic…

Arctivision left us with these final words as they ushered us out the door:

“Harmondix may have a leg up on us, but we’re not jerking around any more. We’re serious. We’re in this for the long haul, and we won’t stop until our fans are satisfied, and they’re never satisfied… which means we won’t stop.”

Oooo-kay…

Vagina Hero is tentatively scheduled for release this holiday on the Xbox 360, PS3, and Wii.

Words by Dan. Pictures by Chad.


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19 Comments »

  1. comment_image
    Dan Landis
    on July 3, 2008 10:37 am

    No I didn’t just write that!

  2. comment_image
    Kojima Suit Larry
    on July 3, 2008 10:40 am

    Thats too bad Dan. That is one of the funniest things I have read in a long time. I am still laughing.

  3. comment_image
    Retarded Penguin
    on July 3, 2008 10:44 am

    i can barely see to type. the tears are still rolling out of my eyes. hahahaha

  4. comment_image
    PortalPunta
    on July 3, 2008 10:45 am

    I am OFFENDED!!!! Just kidding. That was funny.

  5. comment_image
    Bruce Almighty
    on July 3, 2008 10:58 am

    “You can also speed things up by initiating Vagina Hero’s version of Star Power, “The Shocker”, by jamming the yellow, orange, and blue buttons simultaneously.”

    HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAA!!!!!

  6. comment_image
    Dr. Muhbutwiches
    on July 3, 2008 11:15 am

    The implications of this article point to a very dirty birdy. You have trust issues and insecurities with women.

    That being said, when can I play this?

  7. comment_image
    Iceman Pwns
    on July 3, 2008 11:36 am

    Finally a game I can lock myself in the bathroom and play! Thanks ripten.

  8. comment_image
    Tomonoatmeal Cookigaki
    on July 3, 2008 11:54 am

    What is this!? Cookigaki does not approve! Oh wait… yes he does!

  9. comment_image
    madpuppy
    on July 3, 2008 12:16 pm

    what was it you said about digg users again?

  10. comment_image
    Dan Landis
    on July 3, 2008 12:19 pm

    That I love them and appreciate their support?

  11. comment_image
    Chad Lakkis
    on July 3, 2008 3:56 pm

    Dan and I love everyone, and to show each and every one of you just how much we care, everyone who comments on this post will receive a copy of Vagina Hero in the event it is ever made on us!

    Now that’s love.

    Chad-

  12. comment_image
    Patrick Steen
    on July 3, 2008 5:46 pm

    Made ON you? >_<

  13. comment_image
    LC
    on July 3, 2008 6:48 pm

    Well, I’m in for one.

  14. comment_image
    SeasonedSalt
    on July 3, 2008 7:42 pm

    You’d like to be in for one but I think the HodgePodge will be resistant to your advances. Personally I don’t see why this needs to be so complicated. You really don’t need anything more than the red button to beat the game.

  15. comment_image
    imvain2
    on July 16, 2008 5:24 pm

    I sooo want to create a flash version of this game!

    For that matter, even create a similar offline controller.

  16. Default LCA Avatar Image
    RevVoice
    on July 25, 2008 1:43 pm

    Just so you guys know - I’ve heard that the giant red button is a myth.

  17. Default LCA Avatar Image
    Jules
    on July 25, 2008 8:29 pm

    HA LOVE IT, but stay away from that blue button ;)

  18. Default LCA Avatar Image
    topher
    on July 26, 2008 9:54 pm

    this may be the best thing ive seen today.

  19. Default LCA Avatar Image
    javier casares gonzalez.
    on August 29, 2008 8:00 am

    Anatomia de una Vagina…

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