Vagina Hero: Exclusive First Look
by Dan Landis on July 3, 2008 at 10:04 am
Not content with the current level of Guitar Hero milking, what if Activision decided to take it to the next level with yet another game? We suggest — Vagina Hero!
We all know what the girls are thinking anyways when they get all googily-faced over guitarists, even fake guitarists. Might as well stop faking the funk and try to teach them boys something useful. So sit back and indulge, as we transport you to an alternate reality where a publisher by the name of “Arctivision” gives birth to “Vagina Hero”.
At first glance, Vagina Hero may seem overly complicated. Welcome to real life. The in-game screen above actually shows finger cues for the easy difficulty setting. Arctivision reps claim that expert difficulty is pretty much impossible unless you invest in the Pro Bundle, which they explain as so:
“The Pro Bundle is essentially no different than the normal bundle, it just costs about $600 extra. We wanted to prepare our players for the inevitable truth that dudes with money are more successful with women, even if they aren’t any more skilled. We also offer a Girl Power Pack, but we aren’t ready to discuss the details of that quite yet.”
Isn’t this offensive? Doesn’t Arctivision worry that female gamers will be outraged by Vagina Hero?
“Absolutely not. If anything, we are doing women a great service. We are making foreplay interesting and exciting for guys while simultaneously giving them the practice they need so they know what they’re doing when they get there. I think women should be excited by the idea of no longer walking away from a sexual encounter with blue balls, or whatever the equivalent of that would be for women.”
Sounds like he hasn’t played enough of his own game. Speaking of which, we had a few hours to spend with a preview build of the game last night. So how does it play?
Okay, the best way I can explain it is that Vagina Hero is equal parts music-rhythm game, simulation, and real-time strategy. Basically what I’m saying is that it’s complicated.
The stages in Vagina Hero are women, much like the individual songs in previous Hero games released by a completely different publisher that is in no way related to Arctivision. There is no background or story explaining how you suddenly find yourself with a naked vagina in your face — the stage loads up and it’s just there.
Classy 70’s-style bow-chika-wow-wow starts playing, and you find your screen assaulted with colored button-press indicators called “E-Zones”. The E-Zones (or “EZ’s”) correspond to the same colored buttons on your Vagina Hero controller, dubbed “HodgePodge”. Why HodgePodge?
“Just look at it. What the fuck is that? We designed it and we don’t even really know. We tried to stay true to real thing, but that’s the best we could do.”
Vagina Hero controller - aka: HodgePodge
As the EZ’s approach the middle of the screen, you need to tap the corresponding EZ button on your controller. Sounds easy enough, but this bitch has 6 buttons! Apparently, if you want to be a serious player, you need to get creative.
“Most people just use their thumb and pointer finger on their off-hand, but we’ve had a few people use other body parts. Personally, if you want to really see what you’re doing, the two hand approach is best. You could also just mash all the buttons at the same time with your fist and hope to get lucky.”
The goal, ultimately, is to fill the climax meter. Successful combos and streaks fill it up faster, and unlike previous Hero games by that other totally unrelated publisher, there is no time frame. The sooner you’re done, the sooner you can move on to the next girl. You can also speed things up by initiating Vagina Hero’s version of Star Power, “The Shocker”, by jamming the yellow, orange, and blue buttons simultaneously.
Overall, the game looks very promising. Arctivision confirmed that there would be a multiplayer mode, but they weren’t ready to discuss that quite yet. The only info we could pry out of them was that “multiplayer will quite literally blow your pants off.” Cryptic…
Arctivision left us with these final words as they ushered us out the door:
“Harmondix may have a leg up on us, but we’re not jerking around any more. We’re serious. We’re in this for the long haul, and we won’t stop until our fans are satisfied, and they’re never satisfied… which means we won’t stop.”
Oooo-kay…
Vagina Hero is tentatively scheduled for release this holiday on the Xbox 360, PS3, and Wii.
Words by Dan. Pictures by Chad.
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on July 3, 2008 10:37 am
No I didn’t just write that!
on July 3, 2008 10:40 am
Thats too bad Dan. That is one of the funniest things I have read in a long time. I am still laughing.
on July 3, 2008 10:44 am
i can barely see to type. the tears are still rolling out of my eyes. hahahaha
on July 3, 2008 10:45 am
I am OFFENDED!!!! Just kidding. That was funny.
on July 3, 2008 10:58 am
“You can also speed things up by initiating Vagina Hero’s version of Star Power, “The Shocker”, by jamming the yellow, orange, and blue buttons simultaneously.”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAA!!!!!
on July 3, 2008 11:15 am
The implications of this article point to a very dirty birdy. You have trust issues and insecurities with women.
That being said, when can I play this?
on July 3, 2008 11:36 am
Finally a game I can lock myself in the bathroom and play! Thanks ripten.
on July 3, 2008 11:54 am
What is this!? Cookigaki does not approve! Oh wait… yes he does!
on July 3, 2008 12:16 pm
what was it you said about digg users again?
on July 3, 2008 12:19 pm
That I love them and appreciate their support?
on July 3, 2008 3:56 pm
Dan and I love everyone, and to show each and every one of you just how much we care, everyone who comments on this post will receive a copy of Vagina Hero in the event it is ever made on us!
Now that’s love.
Chad-
on July 3, 2008 5:46 pm
Made ON you? >_<
on July 3, 2008 6:48 pm
Well, I’m in for one.
on July 3, 2008 7:42 pm
You’d like to be in for one but I think the HodgePodge will be resistant to your advances. Personally I don’t see why this needs to be so complicated. You really don’t need anything more than the red button to beat the game.
on July 16, 2008 5:24 pm
I sooo want to create a flash version of this game!
For that matter, even create a similar offline controller.
on July 25, 2008 1:43 pm
Just so you guys know - I’ve heard that the giant red button is a myth.
on July 25, 2008 8:29 pm
HA LOVE IT, but stay away from that blue button ;)
on July 26, 2008 9:54 pm
this may be the best thing ive seen today.
on August 29, 2008 8:00 am
Anatomia de una Vagina…
on October 12, 2008 3:41 pm
You’re a son of a bitch…The children must not see this things…
Well I laugh, but you must be more responsable…
on October 12, 2008 3:59 pm
Instead of blaming the people who write the articles, parents should take a more active role in their child’s Internet activities.
on October 13, 2008 11:03 pm
I agree Ryan, but does a kid googling guitar hero and coming across this site constitute a lack of parental guidance?
if (think > speak)
{
ripten.commentAway = true;
}
else
{
break;
}
on October 15, 2008 12:27 am
Wow, I really will love to try that. Really, will it be out for Xbox 360 this holliday?
on October 15, 2008 3:58 am
@Geek,
I did a google search for “guitar hero” and tabbed through about 5 pages of results — not one instance of this article. So unless a kid is searching for vagina hero, I doubt he/she will find this.
on October 17, 2008 6:57 am
shame there’s no LICK feature that senses when u tongue it!!! ROFLMFAO hahaha
on October 21, 2008 6:03 pm
I love the concept however what I want to know is, can a one-armed man such as myself successfully play this game? That being said, I love it!!!!!! Three big thumbs wayyyyyyyyyy up!!!!
on October 21, 2008 6:59 pm
Hey Stumpy,
Of course you can, and on a side note, having one arm and three thumbs is amazing. You deserve your own game for that.
Chad-
on October 22, 2008 10:27 am
ROFL!!! fucking halarious…but seriously is it real????? plz someone email me or reply on here cuz i wanna play.
on October 28, 2008 1:29 am
Parents should watch what their kid is googling!
on October 30, 2008 4:41 am
this could be the holy grail of game ideas. im surprised arctivision hadnt thought of this sooner. the multi-player will be similar to Bop-It! after a good run you have to pass it to a friend to inish your dirty work.
and three thumbs dude…youre great
on October 30, 2008 10:12 am
Thanks for the kind words. It’s nice to know that people are still stumbling upon Vagina Hero and enjoying it.
on October 30, 2008 6:53 pm
Hahahaha, best thing I’ve read in quite awhile.
“You could also just mash all the buttons at the same time with your fist and hope to get lucky”
^^
on November 3, 2008 6:44 am
This is awesome hahahaha hope the DLC wont suffice hahahaha im hoping for Karmen Electra hahahaha
on November 11, 2008 6:45 pm
Hahaha, amazing. I want one.
On another note, I believe children should not be allowed to use google.
Thats just giving them a portal to find the exact opposite of what your trying to keep them from.
Only bookmarked sites should be viewable and they should ask for you to find a website on what they are wanting to see.
Awesome article btw guys, made my day.
on November 16, 2008 4:29 am
hahahahaha! funniest thing i’ve seen today. :)
but seriously, you can’t play this at rentals..
people will call the police right away!
on November 26, 2008 8:49 pm
that’s not funny at all,although I’m a man i don’t know how do these people create an offensive stuff like this???.
they should respect their wives and daughters
on November 26, 2008 8:58 pm
sam:
This is actually respectful of women. It’s only disrespectful if you want it to be.
This is respectful, because it brings attention to the fact that most men don’t know how to please a women and doesn’t know much about the idiosyncrasies of the female’s anatomy. This is all done in a humorous way.
on November 26, 2008 9:01 pm
You’re so wrong, Mr. Vain. I wrote this because I totally hate my wife and daughter and would do anything in my power to disrespect them. And I didn’t want this to be humorous, either — this is 100% serious stuff here.
In closing, White Power!
on November 27, 2008 6:29 am
There’s a huge demand for a flick switch too,
a kind of switch that can be activated with your tongue
on November 27, 2008 10:28 pm
This is hilarious. The only reason I didn’t actually laugh was because everyone else in my house is asleep.
on November 28, 2008 4:14 pm
Shouldn’t the BLUE button really be a BROWN button?
on November 28, 2008 6:11 pm
You’re sick!
on November 29, 2008 10:46 am
re: Blue vs Brown
In the article you say “We tried to stay true to real thing …”. Last I checked only Smurfs have blue poo.
- Netplayground
on November 29, 2008 12:29 pm
Only if they eat other Smurfs. Anyone can have blue poo depending on what they eat.
And last time I checked, most vaginas didn’t have analog sticks either. Don’t be so literal.
on November 29, 2008 4:01 pm
why isn’t that blue button brown?
on November 29, 2008 7:24 pm
That’s a joke, right?
on December 1, 2008 9:14 pm
uhmm, what about a Wii version of this?? uhuh.. LOL**
on December 2, 2008 12:54 am
I’d buy it for the controller alone. Pure genius.