Japanese Toy Cures Cancer, Saves Marriages
Coming this July… A toy like no other toy in the history of forever… A plastic stopwatch the likes of which is barely even fathomable… Nothing can prepare you for the experience you receive in just five seconds with this thing. Nothing, except perhaps the commercial.
For the sake of this article, I’m going to refer to this thing as “The 5-Second Stopwatch,” or 5-SS. We at least know there is a 5 there in the front, and the rest probably doesn’t make any sense anyways. I mean, it can’t make sense if the commercial is any indication.
Judging from what we just witnessed, the ability to accurately time five seconds exactly will make you whole again. This commercial clearly shows that your meals will become beer fests, you will be able to jump small trees in a single bound, and fights with your significant other will transform into full-body joy spasms.
Not only that, if you are decrpit and brittle, 5-SS will make you strong. If you’ve been shot, 5-SS will eat the bullets and fill your holes. If you are emotionally disturbed, 5-SS will buy you flowers and help you vent your feelings of abandonment. You will never be alone again, as hunks in pink speedos and Power Ranger rejects will hang out and pressure you into playing patty-cake with a midget ninja.
Who could possibly wait until the 26th of July to feel this magic? I know I sure can’t! Lucky for you there’s a link RIGHT HERE that takes you to a fantasy realm where you can experience life in 5-second increments of virtual awesomeness. “Ready?”
