RE: Ripten Email “What Gaming Taught Me”
by Chad Lakkis on August 8, 2008 at 1:42 pm
Because you as our reader can’t see the many emails that get passed around whenever news breaks, I thought that I would share some of them with you.
The following team email chain started when Justin announced that he would be writing up the latest “GTA taught me how to…” claim consisting of three teens getting arrested for making car bombs. Enjoy.
From: Justin
To: Team
Subject: Working on…
Car bombing teens say “We learned how to make Molotov cocktails by playing GTA.”
…and anything else for “Take Out the Trash Day.”
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From: John
To: Team
Subject: Working on…
I learned how to reload an M60 from CoD4.
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From: Roly
To: Team
Subject: Working on…
GTA taught me how to open a car door, punch someone, pull them out, and get in, only to drive away. Can you write about me now too?
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From: Justin
To: Team
Subject: Working on…
I learned how to extract fluid from small children from Bioshock.
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From: Roly
To: Team
Subject: Working on…
I think we have a winner.
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From: Wade
To: Team
Subject: Working on…
Pffft. I learned how to run around darkened rooms munching magic pills alternately chasing and being chased by ghosts, all while listening to repetitive electronic music from Pac-Man years ago.
and don’t even get me started on jumping on mushroom men and fighting giant lizards.
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From: Roly
To: Team
Subject: Working on…
I learned how to use the force from Soul Calibur IV.
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From: Justin
To: Team
Subject: Working on…
Old-school street cred is meaningless when Turok teaches you how to hunt dinosaurs. Which could prove to be handy one day. Just like hunting zombies.
Resident Evil only helped me run awkwardly and get chewed on like a piece of beef jerky.
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From: Roly
To: Team
Subject: Working on…
Welp, everybody does say the zombie apocalypse is coming. Quick! Pick one person and one weapon you’d like to have with you in a mall filled with zombies, Dawn of the Dead style!
I pick Jessica Alba, for lifetime dream come true reasons. And a bionic arm, like Rad Spencer, because, that’d just be, like, rad!
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From: Justin
To: Team
Subject: Working on…
After reading the Zombie Survival Guide I’d have to say a crowbar or a katana. Both are economical, quiet, and have multiple uses. Unlike my ex.
As for whom I would take with me… probably Mila Jovovich. Cute and already has the required skill set.
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From: Wade
To: Team
Subject: Working on…
I would like a lightsaber and mace windu. because if you can fight an army of droids with lasers a mall full of slow, shambling zombies will be a peace of cake.
Unless, we’re talking real life here. In which case, I’d go with the katana as well. And someone who is a very good shot. Because what good is a girl if you’re fighting a horde of undead?! its not like you can have… carnal relations while the undead are swarming.
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From: Roly
To: Team
Subject: Working on…
No man, this is the 28 Days Later, Left 4 Dead variety of zombies. They’re fast, evil, brain hungry, and relentless.
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From: Wade
To: Team
Subject: Working on…
I still go with the Jedi plan.
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From: Roly
To: Team
Subject: Working on…
Ahah, fair enough.
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From: Justin
To: Team
Subject: Working on…
If it’s 28 Days Later fast-moving zombies, then I’m going with a Benelli semi-automatic shotgun and a good pair of running shoes.
As for whom I’d bring… doesn’t matter, as long as they are slower than me.
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Well, there you have it. This is apparently what video games have taught my insane team of writers here at Ripten. What have video games taught you?
P.S. We can not protect you from any legal action brought upon you if you choose to share punishable acts that you have commited in the name of your video game education.
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10 Comments » |
on August 8, 2008 2:15 pm
Our ADD, laid bare.
on August 8, 2008 4:58 pm
AKA State’s Exhibit A.
on August 9, 2008 12:49 am
Mega Man taught me to lop my hand off, become part robot, and shoot white pellets from the place my hand used to be.
on August 9, 2008 1:17 am
Final Fantasy taught me to take turns while fighting people
on August 9, 2008 3:21 am
Phoenix Wright Ace Attorney taught me to go to court objecting to everything. While presenting evidence that seems to have no connection to the case. Perfect for me to make up the biggest story that pops up off the top of my head.
Sign
Jack Thompson
on August 9, 2008 9:04 am
Wow, thanks for stopping by Jack.
on August 9, 2008 11:08 am
Katamari taught me a very efficient way of crushing people.
on August 9, 2008 12:59 pm
Beat em’ups taught me that food lying on the street makes me healthy & may even give me superpowers;I.E.diarrhea
on August 9, 2008 2:20 pm
Locoroco taught me how to roll happy circular blobs around by tilting the world with the power of my mind
on August 10, 2008 11:31 am
Gaming taught me that there is not problem that cannot be solved with a shotgun.