Gamer Grub: Fight the Free Radicals
by Justin Arnold on October 5, 2008 at 8:41 pm
With perhaps the most parasitic addition to gaming culture since Uwe Boll, I give you “Gamer Grub”.
Gamer Grub, as described by Biosilo Foods, is “a great tasting snack that boosts your core gaming systems, such as visual input, cognitive processing, signal transmission and muscle reflexes for maximum gaming performance.”
Curious as to how this new miracle food will allow me to finally collect all the skulls in Halo 3, I journeyed to their website – and almost immediately regretted doing so.
Evidently, this miraculous gamer ambrosia features vitamins A, E, B3, C, magnesium, choline, and l-glutamic acid. I was interested to find that vitamin E “functions like a firewall to minimize your exposure and resultant cell damage caused by free radicals.”
Yes, it actually says that.
Gamer Grub comes in four flavors: Action Pizza, Racing Wasabe, Strategy Chocolate, and Sports PB&J. However, nowhere on the site do they show a picture of this wonder food, just the containers. This begs the question: what foodstuff is used to create this Gamer Grub? Traditional materials such as potato chips can cross the taste barrier successfully, as can corn chips. I have yet to meet a chocolate covered potato chip, nor a peanut-butter and jelly corn chip.
This new chip, which I have dubbed “Substance D”, may not exist but, if it does, it could be multi-grain droppings from a yak ranging on the Qinghai Tibetan Plateau. Nothing else makes sense.
I understand that gaming is a rich market where an enterprising remora fish may reap a harvest of “phat lewts,” but I’m appalled at the sheer hubris of creating such a product and imagining that gamers will buy it.
If you do, please take note: friends will mock you and pregnant women will cross the street to avoid making eye contact with you.
I mean “Action Pizza” for fuck’s sake. Seriously, what’s wrong with these people?
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on October 5, 2008 11:39 pm
Guess it’s a good thing we never went live with our “Ripten Rage” soda…
on October 6, 2008 2:37 am
thanks good blog and post
on October 6, 2008 5:03 am
…….wow.
“Action Pizza”
My faith in humanity sinks ever lower.