Wade Larson’s Amazingly Awesome Halloween Gaming Lineup Extravaganza!
Its getting cold, the leaves are turning orange, and your neighbor just put out a jack-o-lantern with Pacman carved into it (what a lazy ass). So, now you want to one-up the ante. Well, to help get you into the Halloween spirit, here are the best new games sure to get you in the mood for scaring small children or giving them candy, whichever seems less perverse to you.
5. Silent Hill Homecoming. Ok, you saw this one coming. Take a trip back down foggy memory lane which is, unsurprisingly, foggy. If you want an atmosphere creepier than a Halloween party with a guy dressed as Peter Pan in a room full of trick-or-treating kids, look no further.
4. Portal: Still Alive. Getting more Portal on Xbox Live Arcade is like going to your neighbor’s door and asking for a damn candy bar before you break his outside lights with eggs, and then he gives you a king-size Reeses peanut butter cup. Score! Added bonus: you don’t have to worry about finding syringes in your Halloween bucket (or loot sack, if you’re one of those who goes for the long haul), only homicidal robots.
3. Fable II. What?! A non-survival horror game in a Halloween list?! Hold the inquisition, this isn’t blasphemy, simply a lack of scary games dictating my list. Look at it this way: you get all dressed up as a fairy, or a pirate or a ninja (or a slutty fairy, slutty pirate or Gloria from Devil May Cry 4, if you’re a lady) so why not play a game where you can choose more than your costume?
2. Dead Space. “Hey, there’s a game about space zombies, it should be on the list.” Thank you for that astounding observation, Captain Obvious. Seriously, what Halloween list could go without space zombies? It’s zombies. In space! Hot damn! Plenty of creepy atmosphere, illegible blood scrawling, face-eating zombies and foreboding… well, everything make Dead Space a dead ringer for scariest game of the season. Forget everything you know about fighting zombies, because in space, no one can hear you shit your pants in terror. And we’re glad for that.
1. SpongeBob SquarePants featuring Nicktoons Globs of Doom. Terror incarnate. The lost souls of seven and seven innocents were corrupted to make this abomination of a game. And they’ll ship out another one in two weeks. Upon playing this game, people have gone instantly insane, others have killed and maimed themselves, and others have simply vanished, leaving only footprints leading into the darkness. A darkness only matched by the hole in your wallet where the money you paid for this game used to be. But don’t bother trying to destroy it, they’ll release another one in two weeks.
(Honorable Mention: Barbie Horse Adventures.)
