Top 10 Nicest Asses in Videogames - #10

by Dan Landis on December 4, 2008 at 11:59 pm

Far too often we’ve seen top ten lists about boobies, yet nobody seems to have taken the time to appreciate what’s really important about women — their hearts. Of course by hearts, I’m talking about the shape of their sweet, sweet asses. What, you thought I was actually going to be a gentleman and care about anything other than looks? Get real (that’s a joke, kids — respect your mother).

Anyhow, the point is that there are plenty of men (and women) in this world who would consider themselves fans of the bottom half. Men are actually very evenly divided between boob lovers and ass lovers, and we need to try to counterbalance all these titty lists with a list about butts.

We will be counting down the best heinies over the next several days, some of which may surprise you, but all of them are sure to please. So without further ado, I give you Ripten’s Top 10 Nicest Asses in Videogames! No, wait — here’s some more ado: many of these images are NSFW, so make sure you know who’s around before you start fapping.

Click images to enlarge.

#10 - Cortana (Halo 2 and 3)

Okay, let’s get a few things out of the way first. Some of you will argue that Cortana shouldn’t really count because she’s not real, she’s just a hologram. While that may be true, none of the videogame babes on this list are “real” so it’s almost hypocritical to exclude her for that reason. Within the context of the game, though, Cortana is actually modeled after her creator, Dr. Halsey, so maybe we should put her name up there instead of Cortana’s.

You also may have noticed that only Halo 2 and 3 are listed next to her name. Before any fanboys get all uppity, we are well aware that Cortana was in the original Halo. Maybe you should go back and check her out and then you’ll realize why we didn’t include it. Hint: she’s kinda ugly.

So what’s so great about Cortana’s booty? Well, for one thing she’s pretty much attached to the Master Chief so he can just pop her out any time he wants to have a gander at that rear or, you know, talk to her. Additionally, she’s a hologram and semi-transparent, so you can stare at her ass even when you’re in front of her. How great is that! She also appears to be filled with some kind of fizzy, delicious raspberry soda, so that’s a plus.

The major downfall here is, obviously, that you can’t ever touch her (not that you could really touch any of these girls, but you know what I mean). This isn’t like a sexual harassment or work appropriate kind of thing, it’s because she’s a freaking hologram. No matter how hot she may get or how many digital squats she does to perk up that posterior, it ultimately just makes her that much more of a tease. For this reason alone, we can’t justify having her any higher on the list than number 10.

And now, let’s look at the evidence (click to enlarge):

I believe we’ve made our point.

Tune in tomorrow for our 9th best booty as we count down the Top 10 Nicest Asses in Videogames.

All the Asses: 10 | 9 | 8 | 7 | 6 | 5 | 4 | 3 | 2 | Special Mentions | 1

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Tags: Cortana, Halo, Top 10 Nicest Asses in Videogames

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Comments »

Tomonoatmeal Cookigaki
on December 5, 2008 1:18 am

Even though Cookigaki is a boob man, Cookigaki can certainly appreciate some nice asses. There better be some of Cookigaki’s games on this list or Cookigaki will be angry!
Four20
on December 5, 2008 1:30 am

Should have worked on this(behind the scenes) for a week or two before publishing it(so that all 10 were in 1 post). You’d probably get more traffic from digg(all 10 in 1 post would be digg worthy). . .than doing a series of posts like this.
Dan Landis
on December 5, 2008 1:54 am

Four20,

Thanks for the feedback. I actually did work on the whole thing already but I didn’t publish them in one post or one day for a few reasons, some of which relate to the limitations of the site and our inability to do pages.

I also thought the multiple posts direction would work better since it would break up the images better and not be a bitch to 56k users (which there are still a surprising number of) and allow more room for each booty on the list. I know IGN likely doesn’t think about digg, but they also do their countdown lists one each day, for whatever reason.

When all is said and done, there will be a navigation at the bottom with all 10 posts linked. If that would then be digg-worthy, I’d be more than happy if you submitted it once the last one went up.

Thanks for reading, and thanks again for your comment.
Michael
on December 5, 2008 2:25 am

Another article from Lady Landis. I guess he’s out to prove to the world that he likes girls after all. Don’t worry, Obama’s the president now. Change will come. You and your lover no longer have to hide in the shadows.
John Landis
on December 5, 2008 6:33 am

Ah, yes. Taking the time to assault someone’s sexuality on the internet. Your life must absolutely brimming with purpose.
Greg
on December 5, 2008 7:24 am

Speaking of digg, where is the ‘bury’ button for this one?
Abaddon
on December 5, 2008 8:07 am

-Aaah- I wonder when ultra thin translucid spandex will be invented… :3
madpuppy
on December 5, 2008 9:35 am

AHH, welcome back, leader…..
harrison
on December 5, 2008 10:09 am

Cortana was ugly in Halo 1?

lol… total bullshit.

She was hottest in halo 1, and ugliest in halo 3.
Dan Landis
on December 5, 2008 10:47 am

You think this:

was hotter?
Sam Naylor
on December 5, 2008 10:49 am

Hell yeah, the red jumpsuit accents the ass during the running animation.
Dan Landis
on December 5, 2008 10:53 am

And Michael, if I wanted to prove I wasn’t homo, I don’t think a list about asses is the way to do it. Nice logic.
Tomonoatmeal Cookigaki
on December 5, 2008 10:54 am

Halo 1 Cortana looks like 14-year-old in a one pice bathing suit, and that is not Cookigaki’s preference.
SeasonedSalt
on December 5, 2008 11:20 am

Even I can appreciate this ass.
Dan Landis
on December 5, 2008 11:21 am

Sam, you so crazy!
DavidGX
on December 5, 2008 12:03 pm

“I also thought the multiple posts direction would work better since it would break up the images better and not be a bitch to 56k users”

That’s really not a good reason, imo. The internet is not really set up for 56k any more, nor should it be.
Dan Landis
on December 5, 2008 12:08 pm

So you would rather have just one article that is a mile long and features 50 pictures and a few videos? People already complain about the length of some of our reviews, and I thought this would be an easy article to break up. We did the exact same thing last year with our Most Badass Weapons list.
DavidGX
on December 5, 2008 1:21 pm

“So you would rather have just one article that is a mile long and features 50 pictures and a few videos?”

Yes.

“People already complain about the length of some of our reviews”

I don’t know of one website or magazine that gives SHORT reviews for games. Not really a problem here.
Dan Landis
on December 5, 2008 3:06 pm

Well, I don’t have a problem with our reviews, but saying that no magazine gives short reviews is way wrong. Almost all magazines give short reviews and only do long ones for big features. The latest OXM, for example, has 6 reviews on one page and are basically only a single paragraph. Not all of them are like that, but 99% of them are still shorter than our reviews.

I know some people would actually prefer one long post, but for this list it isn’t happening. Of course people want the whole thing now, but it’s more of a Top 10 countdown I guess. It’s still gonna be multiple posts over a few days and that’s that.
faizan
on December 7, 2008 11:31 am

wow such a nice ass

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