Ripten E3 2009 Predictions

E3 is back, and so are our glowing and always insightful predictions. These are from the heart people. Grab a Kleenex and hit the jump.

Beau Rosser

Nintendo will make me feel nostalgic, Sony will excite me, and Microsoft will show me games I don’t really want to play, but they’ll insist that I get in the movies… again. Oddly enough, there will be plenty of iPhone games that use the hardware for its strengths – and I will be excited.

That’s it.

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Sam Naylor

E3 predictions are getting easier and easier. Microsoft will disappoint fans, Sony will disappoint fans, and Nintendo will disappoint fans.

But seriously, Microsoft will disappoint by announcing nothing of real value, Sony will disappoint by announcing okay stuff in an awful way, and Nintendo will disappoint with, well, whatever they announce. For people who aren’t fans, each company will have some good things and some boring things to say.

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Chad Lakkis

My prediction. The seats will be uncomfortable on the flight there and back. The conferences themselves will be full of people that look like me (unshaven and with a musky smell).

Nintendo will reveal a line up of porn inspired titles and finish their presentation off by shooting random attendees in the head.

Microsoft will blow the casual doors off the place by introducing a $99 easy bake oven adapter (chocolate frosting not included).

And last but not least, Sony will force people to adopt Home by taking all of E3 hostage and demanding the world’s population to register for the service in exchange for their safe return.

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Sean Mitchuson

Microsoft will have fancy pictures, Sony will have fancy ladies, and Nintendo will announce Fancy Boy for DSi. If you cant tell, I have no idea. Heh.

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Demi Adejuyigbe

Microsoft will announce a sequel to Alan Wake. This sequel will be released before Alan Wake is. They’ll also announce Alpine Legend to be a real game, and it will become one of their Greatest Hits games only days after its release. The Zune HD will be presented to the convention-goers, because of its connectivity with Xbox Live. Unfortunately, that’s all it does- Microsoft forgot to implement music, photos, and videos into the device. When started up, all you see is a 10min. long loading video that takes up all of the HD space.

Nintendo will bring out Cammy Dunaway, and she’ll break her jaw within seconds from smiling too hard. They’ll announce a new Mario Kart game for the DS, and bring it out on the stage to demo, but they won’t hook it up to the screen, so everyone can only see what appears to be Cammy having a seizure. Reggie will come out and announce the Wii Micro. It has Wii Sports and Smash Bros. built in, and doesn’t have a CD drive, but that’s okay, because those are the only two games people play on the Wii.

Sony will show off an LBP sequel called BigLittlePlanet. In which you play the Earth, as it rotates. Soon after its release, gamers everywhere will develop carpal tunnel from the game’s “Infinite Rotate Mode.” They’ll show off MAG, and when they try to set up the game with 256 people, the game will lag out, When they try to set it up again, we hear someone screaming “GIANT PENUS” into their microphone. They’ll also announce the PSP go to the audience, but the leak will have progressed so far at this point, that everyone in the audience will already have one. The real announcement will come from the crowd, as someone announces instructions for hacking the PSP go.

Ubisoft will announce Imagine: Assassin’s Creedz for the DS, which targets young children and teaches them how to kill silently, Activision will announce Guitar Hero 6, 8Bit Hero, and Guitar Hero: Nickelback, all to be released on Christmas Day… 2009. Taito will announce Geriatric Ward Mama, where you play Cooking Mama’s Mama, as you deflect old pervs from hitting on you. Pandemic will announce Exploooooodo!, a game in which you drive a car down a straight track, and blow up stuff around you. THQ will announce MX vs. ATX 5. It sucks.

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Rangebar Merani

I’ll keep my predictions short and straight to the point. Nintendo will announce a new Mario and Zelda game, both for the Wii. Sony will officially announce the “slim” PS3 model that has been floating around the internet. And as for Microsoft, they will announce some sort of new Xbox Live experience, something even more casual and family friendly as they try and take more of Nintendo’s ideas. I’m keeping my fingers crossed for the new Mario and Zelda game though!

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Jonathan Zungre

I only have one prediction: You think Microsofts press conference is over after they show clips from Halo 3: ODST, until all the lights go off and a guitar wails in the darkness. Then the entire stage blows up, including the presenters, and Duke Nukem, the real Duke Nukem climbs on top of the rubble and says, “hail to the king baby.” Duke writes “Duke Nukem Forever, 360 exclusive, fall 2009″, in the far wall with 50 cal bullet holes. Then the entire convention center explodes.

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Patrick Steen

PSP Go (hehe – not a prediction)
PS3 price cut (PS3 slim at TGS)
Microsoft’s motion sensing camera with voice activation
New Zelda for Wii
Two new big game announcements for PS3
LBP, MGS on PSP
MGS on PS3
MGS on 360
Epic to announce new 360 exclusive
Crysis 2 for PS3, 360 and PC

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More predictions from additional writers here will be added as the crystal ball reveals them.