In late 2008, John Landis was tapped to write the Fallout 3 review for RipTen.  His original submission was rejected and instead we published a more, “traditional” review.  In hindsight however, what follows is probably one of the absolute best game reviews that we have ever read … enjoy.

Fallout 3 is awesome.

Fallout 3 is awesome because it fucking rules.  You start off as this person living in an underground vault.  Then you escape from the vault.  Outside of the vault, you get to kick the shit out of whatever you want.  One time shot this dude in the face.  With a shotgun.  His head just fucking EXPLODED!!!1  There were chunks everywhere.  I even found his eyeballs on the ground.  It was gross.  I threw up after that.

The part that sucks about Fallout 3 is that you can’t have sex.  You can’t lez out or bang chicks or nothing.  What’s the point of making a chick character if you can’t lez out?  STOOPID!  If I was a badass raider with a minigun and had slaves and shit, I’d have all kinds of sex slaves.  They’d be slobbering on my balls all the time.  That would be awesome.  It’s stupid you can’t do that in the game, but you can make people’s heads explode or make them melt into piles of goo.

You can use all sorts of shit to blow up people’s heads, though.  Shotguns, rifles, pistols, your bare hands, or super technological things like sledgehammers.  I would personally like to make people’s heads explode with my mutated super wang, but they don’t let you do that in the game.  I also like to make people melt into goop with plasma weapons.  I like it when their head explodes and they turn to goop at the same time.

Anyway, Fallout 3 is awesome and if you don’t think so you need to check yourself into a home because you are seriously fucked in the head or something.  Seriously, get some help.  They probably make medication for whatever it is you’re going through.  Take your pills, then play Fallout 3 again.  If you don’t like it then, just pull out your own real-life version of Lincoln’s Repeater and shoot yourself in the dome because you have no reason to live.

Ten out of muthafuckin ten, bitches.