I thought the robot house pet thing died in the late nineties, but Japan apparently believes there’s still something to be gained from inventing more synthetic animals with eyes that will never look upon you with love– which brings us to Yume Neko Smile (“Dream Cat Smile.”) This is Sega’s latest attempt to imitate a living, breathing thing with a pile of plastic and a touch of blood magic. The only explanation I have for these things being completely sold out at the Japan Trend Shop is that Japanese people are hot for mechs, no matter how creepy and soulless their pitch-black eyes may be. This cat screams when you grab its tail and goes limp when you hold its scruff, proving once again that Japan is running out of cats  and must fabricate more in order to save the world.

Just look at this thing. Don’t you dare try to tell me that this robot cat won’t be a host for Skynet.

Slash Gear reviewed Yume Neko Smile and praised it for its authenticity, but I’m not falling for that. It’s still just a fancy box of AA batteries wearing a cat suit.

“It’s strange: you can hear the motors whirring, the sounds are pretty obviously electronic recordings, and there’s no warm body beneath the polyester fur, but your senses conspire to reduce you to treating Yume Neko as if she were alive.” -Chris Davies, Slash Gear

What the hell, man? Why don’t you go ahead and pledge your allegiance to the Decepticons and hand us all over now before the rest of the world catches on?

Why, Japan? You make all these apocalyptic animes, and then you give birth to this thing. Not only is it a terrifying golem of destruction, it’s just not cuddly enough. More fluff, less creep, and then maybe I’ll think about buying it… and handing it over to John Connor.