So Captain America arrives at my door, and I’m thinking, “Oh great, another comic-superhero-movie-themed game from Sega.  This is gonna suck.”  Well… red, white, and blue must be the colors of surprise.

After the explosive diarrhea that was Thor, I really didn’t have high hopes for this game, but the back of the box says in big letters, “STARRING CHRIS EVANS AS CAPTAIN AMERICA!  OMG!!!” to get me super pumped.  Okay, the OMG part was only implied, but according to my memory banks, it was totally there.  So I turn the game on and to my utter disappointment, Captain America looks nothing like the gorgeous man-meat that is Chris Evans.  I should give this game a big, fat zero just for that, but I guess it would be hard for anyone to capture the angelic perfection of that face, outside of God the Creator, so I’ll let that slide a bit.  Minus one point for not being as good as the Almighty, Sega.

The game starts, rudimentary tutorial stuffs flash on my screen, and I learn the art of walking, punching, and throwing my magical shield.  How does it always come back to me like that?  It breaks the wooden boxes in my way but conveniently just bounces off of wooden walls.  Amazing!  I can’t fault Sega for that bit.  No one knows what the deal is with that shield, though the way it works in this game makes me think it is actually a very deadly yo-yo.  It’s just wires — illusion ruined!

 

There’s a punch button, a grab button, a counter button, and an acrobatics button.  Of course, as Captain America, there’s also a block button and a throw shield button — pretty much everything you’d expect in a Captain America game.  It’s all self-explanatory except the acrobatics button, which is used to dodge attacks, swing from poles, and loosen the g-string to allow dollar bills to be stuffed in.  Jumping around poles occasionally brings about a quick-time event, when pressing A again at the correct time will cause me to swing through the pole course that much faster.  There are also marked areas where I can launch The Cap’n over obstacles in a feat of superhuman strength and agility, usually in slow-motion.

So I walk around punching in Hydra faces.  Hydra is who we really fought in World War II, but we blamed it on the Nazis because we wanted to forever demonize Hitler’s stupid mustache in hopes no one would ever sport one again.  Mission accomplished!  When I build up enough America Power, the game prompts me to perform a Crippling Strike.  Okay, game… I’ll bite.  So I push the required buttons and BAAMMM!  Ugly Chris Evans does a slow-motion, zoomed-in uppercut to that poor motherfucker’s neck, complete with some nasty crunching sounds, and that guy is totally dead.  It was probably just a clipping error, but that dude’s head is seriously bent into his chest as he’s flopping to the ground.  I’ll take more of that, please!

Ugly Chris can upgrade his skills by gaining intel points.  No, not experience.  Ugly Chris already has plenty of experience, fool.  Intel is gained the same way it is in real life, which I appreciate as a former intel guy, and that includes picking up dossiers, blueprints, film reels, ceramic eggs, and Hydra swag, as well as blowing shit up and kicking people’s brains.  In true America fashion, Ugly Chris gets bonus points for smashing these guys, who already stand no chance against him, while they are poor and defenseless lying on the ground.  Cue Team America music…

I also learned that America really hated computers in the 40s.  After walking into a room full of electronics, Ugly Chris goes crazy and just breaks all of it.  Even though it damages him, punching a computer until it explodes in his face is totally worth it for those intel points.  Of course, I made him do that, but whatever.  I needed my intel fix.  Oddly, blowing up barrels is also worth intel.  Blowing up anything that is blow-uppable is worth intel.  I’m being encouraged to blow things up indiscriminately.  Uh… cue Team America music again?

Turning on Tactical Vision helps if Ugly Chris gets stuck or is looking for more things to smash; it highlights things of interest like grabbable ledges, poles to swing on, or breakable walls.  Ugly Chris can also go back to previous areas via a series of unlockable doors, as well as a sewer system.  There aren’t really “levels” in the game, so the break up of chapters is just whenever they decided to put them in there.

The prologue and first 2 chapters of this 18-chapter game are done and over within 45 minutes.  Then, after another hour, the third chapter is still going strong.  What gives?  I know not every chapter is going to be the same length, but this is ridiculous.  I started to think I broke the game because chapter 3 just would not end.  Minus another point, Sega.

During my time as Ugly Chris, I found myself leaping all over the place, swinging from poles, and throwing my shield so hard at unsuspecting snipers that they flew over buildings.  I blocked everything with my shield (except for missiles and over-sized heavy guys), then countered with a roundhouse to the jaw, watched them fall to the ground in agony, then a fist to their defenseless faces finished them off for my bonus intel.  Thanks, bitches.

Gameplay-wise, I actually found Ugly Chris Evans: Super Soldier to be kinda fun.  Granted, it’s not really anything you haven’t seen before, but the whole game only lasts about 6 hours, so it isn’t long enough to get bored of it either.  I have no idea if the game follows the movie in any way, but I’m guessing it doesn’t.  The graphics are okay, and the voice acting is actually pretty good.  Well it better be since OMG CHRIS EVANS IS CAPTAIN AMERICA LET’S PUT THAT ON THE BOX.

Considering how short it is, I’m not really sure this game justifies the price tag.  Die-hard Captain America fans may want it for their collections, but outside of that, it’s not worth it.  Rent it, wait for the price to go down, or convince one of your friends to buy it and then Crippling Strike them in the teeth and borrow it for a day.

Here’s The Rundown:

+ Amurricaaaa, fuck yeah!!!
+ Isn’t Thor
+ Combat is pretty fun
+ OMG CHRIS EVANS!!!!!11one!!
– Way too short
– Pointless chapter system
– The physics of that shield hurt my brain
– Not enough nudity

Captain America: Super Soldier was developed by Next Level Games and published by SEGA.  It was released on July 19, 2011, for the Xbox 360, PlayStation 3, and Wii.  This copy was provided by Dave by way of SEGA via the postal service.  My mailman looks suspiciously like Chris Evans wearing black face.  This game is playable in 3D, but I was too scared of that shield to try it.