The Legend of Zelda is one of the most popular series in the history of gaming and it therefore doesn’t give a fuck to have an entire article just for itself, in list format. The hero of the saga is a silent man-elf in an inappropriately short tunic who strolls around mutilating just anything that moves a little too much.  Throughout his quest he is met by a variety of characters, both completely useless, and some who actually help out, or so they seem to at first. Some of Link’s most “helpful” allies, and even himself, actually end up making the shit hit the fan, by making things worse than they already were. They do this by using the worst possible judgement for that particular situation and completely defying common sense and logic. Just like…

5) Link From Oracle of Ages

In Oracle of ages, Link is sent to Labrynna by the triforce in order to save the land from its impending doom. Upon his arrival he agrees to help, and then proceeds to blindly trust, a shady blue woman who also happens to be possessed by another, thinner, blue evil woman… But who gives a fuck, right Link?

Don´t trust strangers, no matter how large their breasts might be.

After Link scares off the creatures who are manhandling the old lady, she introduces herself as Impa, nurse to Hryule´s princess Zelda and veteran hooters waitress. She then explains to Link that she is looking for some girl and talks him into helping her out. As usual, Link readily agrees to help. So they set off to find Nayru in order to…well… Actually he is never given a good reason to do this but what the hell, everyone does crazy shit after doing shrooms in the forest and throwing on a green miniskirt.

She then leads him towards the sacred barrier, which only those with ties to the triforce seem to be able to move.

Sacred barrier? Really....that´s it?

Link proceeds to move the rock, which seems to be clearly there to keep suspicious blue people out of that particular area. I mean… the barrier is there for a reason… It is specifically there so random people can´t just go in there and do whatever the fuck they want. Anyway, Link and his new best friend proceed to enter the newly opened path and find Nayru, the girl she was looking for, serenading the forest creatures with her singing.

After this heart warming scene, the evil spirit possessing Impa shows herself and says her name is Veran and that she will be this game´s super villain. Then she lets everyone know Link was the genius who moved the barrier and flies over to possess Nayru in order to change the past and rule the world or become her own grandmother, can´t remember which. After this, Veran leaves and Ralph, Nayru´s self proclaimed bodyguard, goes after her in hopes to recover his life long friend. Impa then conveniently wakes up just in time to tell Link to help out and sends him off to see the Great Maku Tree.  Nobody says it, but we all know everything is that little asshole´s fault.

Douchebag

 

4) Goron Elder from Majora´s Mask

The Goron elder is an aged goron who acts as the tribal patriarch for the community of gorons living in the Snow Peak region of the land of Termina. He also acts as the ruler of Goron Village and is very well respected by his fellow tribe members. I don´t know why and how the fuck it is possible, but he has also got a baby son. Something so old and downright ugly shouldn’t be allowed to reproduce anymore. Seriously, who the fuck agreed to mate with this guy? If gorons really do reproduce sexually it makes sense that we don´t get to see any goron females anywhere, as they committed mass suicide after learning this which cannot be un-learned.

Not pictured: 12-inch penis.

The goron tribe is struck by a devastating winter during the events of Majora´s Mask and had sent the goron hero Darmani to investigate this severe change in temperature. After some time of not knowing of Darmani´s fate, the gorons start to get worried about him and about their own survival as well. This is when the goron elder just says “fuck it!” and decides to venture his old and brittle bones unto the freezing mountains completely alone in order to find Darmani. He proves his worth by freezing to death 50 meters from his home…

Is it just me or does that decision fail in so many levels that it makes Hugo Chavez look like the best ruler ever? First of all, he is supposed to be the leader of this tribe, if he dies those incompetently adorable gorons are left completely helpless. I mean, they are at the verge of murdering each other because no one in the village can even make a baby stop crying. They solve this issue by standing around all day covering their ears and making use of their imagining Scarlett Johansson´s boobs superpower.

He also completely abandons his baby son to go on a life threatening journey knowing full well how useless he really is. He could have, at least, taken a couple of bodyguards to help him along the way. He instead sets off with the same preparation he uses when getting  ready for sex, completely naked and alone.

If he had really died out there the consequences would have been catastrophic for his people. None of them seem to know how to keep a baby alive, thus killing off the only heir to the throne. None of them seem to have any real intelligence or leadership skills at all. Bottom line is, this event would have caused the gorons to die out quicker than a black guy in an action movie.