RipTen Review: AMY (XBLA)
The Reviewer
(not) by
Edgar Allan Poe
To you the gamer pessimist, I ask you honor one request;
My credibility and past you might not know,
But I promise I write not in jest, heed my words about this mess.
Regarding AMY I attest, no matter your opinions on game journos
Trust the reviewers, this game blows
You might think we’re mostly wrong, every review same dance and song,
our arguments so rarely strong. It makes you skeptical of scores this low.
You start to think “it can’t be as bad as this, can’t trust them further than I can spit,
Besides Jim Sterling hated it. What the hell does that guy know?”
Look- trust the reviewers, this game blows.
For ten dollars it might tempt, but cheap doesn’t make its quality exempt
I hope your purchase I preempt, take that wallet and keep it closed
There is nothing worth your money here, a survival horror game without fear,
controls so bad you’ll shed a tear, the gameplay needs much NoDoz.
Trust the reviewers, this game blows.
It must be said- AMY isn’t lacking heart, but that is where compliments and I must part
This game marks a trainwreck as its start, an opening so apropos.
Like a child’s plate with spinach, I don’t think this game is finished.
At no point do glitches diminish, but your frustration will sure grow.
Trust the reviewers, this game blows.
Graphically it may seem decent, but not for gaming eras recent.
The animations are malfeasant, look at how she holds that phone!
AMY’s strength is its aesthetics, but they’re still as clear as Dianetics
Even with flawless cosmetics, it wouldn’t cover up what we know
Trust the reviewers, this game blows
Just playing AMY is energy sapping, three hours in and you’ll be napping
I’d rather listen to Randy Savage rapping. The more you play the more time slows.
You’d think your thumbs had the plague, with controls that feel like you have stones for legs,
No solace in a plot so god damn vague- AMY has far more cons than it has pros.
Trust the reviewers, this game blows.
In the loosest sense it is like Ico, except a direct comparison would be psycho,
the difference too far to be be seen by Tycho. For arguments sake lets juxtapose.
AMY’s puzzles are simplistic, each one solvable by methods heuristic.
Did I mention Amy’s autistic? Probably not, I’m bad at aping Poe.
Still- Trust the reviewers, this game blows.
AMY also suffers from awful combat, every attack is inaccurate and flat.
Lana has Johnny Bench fingers but needs his bat. Is that a crowbar or a pillow?
The game’s design flaws are massive, and more obvious when your character is active.
It’s an Occupier with a Gene Sharp book forcing you to be passive, a strategy I oppose.
Trust the reviewers- this game blows.
It isn’t so bad its good its just terrible, playing AMY as an experience is unbearable.
It’s so bad I had to rip off Poe for this parable. There are no highs in AMY, just lows.
I know we reviewers aren’t always right, and you may want to play AMY just for spite,
but playing this was a true bleak plight. It drove me crazy and it shows.
Seriously, just this once, trust the reviewers- this game blows.
Here’s The Rundown:
+ It doesn’t look terrible.
+ Flashback was an awesome game.
+ There are some decent ideas buried under all of the things that don’t work. A sequel would probably end up being okay if they hear the near universal criticism and adjust accordingly.
+ It is still way better than Rogue Warrior.
- Just one enormous escort mission/fetch quest. Should have made it timed just to get the unholy trifecta. Even then, it could have worked if it wasn’t so technically broken. At least you could stuff Ashley in a trashcan.
- Checkpoints are as rare as unicorns and as reliable as vertically oriented economic systems. AMY embodies the idea of fake difficulty
- I couldn’t find rhymes for “generally terrible voice acting.”
- Ten dollars more than I would pay for an unfinished beta.
- It gives Shaq Fu a run for the money as Paul Cuisset’s most puzzling mistake.
1 (RIP) to 4 are varying degrees of a bad game. A 1 (RIP) being a game you would actually pay money to not play, and a 4 is something that just barely fails to be mediocre. Read more about our scoring system in detail here.
AMY was developed by VectorCel and published by Lexis Numérique. It was released on January 11th, 2012 on XBLA for 800 MSP and January 17th, 2012 on PSN for $10. I think that’s the same, I was never good at converting fake currency into real currency. Haha, I’m just kidding, all currency is fake! Death to capitalism! A copy of the game was actually purchased for the purpose of this review, seriously. I’m a starving artist and I bought this thing for you people. The game was played until chapter 5 and wasn’t completed because life is just too fucking short. And yes I know Ico doesn’t rhyme with psycho before you say anything, I’m banking on most of you not realizing that.
