I figured with the recent string of great RPGs being released over the last few months, it was time for me to bring you all back down to earth and give you a reminder that it isn’t always sugar and honey. Kingdoms of Amalur may be the first RPG from Curt Schilling, but Hydlide was one of the first RPGs to ever be released on the consoles in Japan way back in 1984. It originally came out on the NEC PC-6000 and later on the PC-88 before eventually meandering its way over to America on the Nintendo Entertainment System in 1989.

The biggest problem with Hydlide, other than all of its huge glaring flaws I mean, is that when it was finally released in America it was already incredibly dated. Even if it was’t lacking of any real value, America had already suckled at the Legend of Zelda’s supple teats. After seeing what the genre done right was like, there was no chance America would be accepting of the genre done horribly wrong. USA! USA!

Hydlide is a story of a dragon named something who kidnaps a princess named somebody in order to something. Of course, by kidnap I mean he breathes fire at her and turns her into a couple fairies.

Yeah, I don’t really know how that works either. While Hydlide is pretty notorious over here for being the one of the worst things to ever happen to humanity ever, it should also be pointed out that this garnered a huge following in Japan. Sequels were even made on the MSX, Genesis, and Saturn. None of them were very good either. Go figure.

Represented here are the lion’s share of sprites present in this game. That is pretty much all you get to look at for the whole thing. It was aesthetically dated for 1989 on the NES, which is sort of a feat in itself.

Joss Whedon’s “Buffy the Vampire Hold B and Ram Yourself Into Enemies Uselessly Until Hopefully They Die. ”

Anybody want an overused Anchorman reference in lieu of anything unique or funny to say? I could type one here if you wanted. No? Alright. Good choice.

Honestly though, as bad as this is, it still isn’t as awful as having to watch Diary of the Dead.

Sir Jim- High Time’s Stupid Useless Knight of the Year.

He who controls the spice, controls the universe!!!

It was nice of Sharon Carter to help Sir Jim out on his inept journey.

You know how everybody points out that there was no way you would have ever figured out on your own to burn that ONE bush in that ONE spot in Legend of Zelda without outside help? Every single thing you have to do in Hydlide is like that. Every. Single. Thing. Compound that with the least intuitive controls and password system to ever be crapped into gray plastic and you have a perfect recipe for frustration pie.

When you destroy this gravestone, it makes it so you can kill the dragon outside of the castle. A completely logical connection that everybody would easily make without dying a dozen times before accidentally finding it out.

The most climatic battle since the Battle of the Ice! Watch out Hermann of Dorpat! Sir JIM is out for blood.

The oppressive heat of his armor and the pain of his own wounds drove Sir Jim to one knee. “My princess,” he forces out, “I have come to save you.”

“Delightful,” exclaims the three fairies, who are actually the Princess for some odd reason, in unison. “For your bravery in rescuing us, we will reward you with the highest honor- by letting you watch a lesbian fairy orgy.”

Sir Jim looked on with his mouth agape, it was a few minutes before he figured out the way to word his next statement, “Logistically speaking, does that count as incest for you, or masturbation?”

What does one say about Hydlide that hasn’t already been said? From its barely working combat system, to its copyright infringing Indiana Jones overworld theme, to its ugly-even-in-1984 graphics, Hydlide rightfully deserves its place in bad gaming history. I really don’t get how this was so well received in Japan. I understand that it was one of the first actual console RPGs over there, but even when giving it the benefit of the doubt for being groundbreaking in a very loose way it still isn’t good. I don’t care if it came out first, the only way Hydlide could be considered groundbreaking is because you would need a bunch of shovels to bury every copy of the game in the desert.

1 (RIP) to 4 are varying degrees of a bad game. A 1 (RIP) being a game you would actually pay money to not play, and a 4 is something that just barely fails to be mediocre.

Hydlide was developed and published by T&E Soft Corporation, who pretty much only makes golf games now for the record- just saying, for a whole bunch of system before it came to the NES in 1989. This copy was provided to us by yard sales everywhere.

Do you have a game you’d like to see featured in this stupid idea creative and original work of game journalism art? Have you played Hydlide and want to drop your two cents in? Did you actually like this game and want to yell at me because you are clearly insane? If so, let me or RipTen know on Twitter, or in the comments on this very site!

Next Time on the Retrograde: B.O.B.