Gears of Wrong: Just Because You Can, Doesn’t Mean You Should

A few days ago, Epic Games announced that they would be running a special weekend “Game with Fame” event for Valentine’s Day. In short, to celebrate the medium that brought Gears of War Design Director, Cliff Bleszinski, and his now fiance and former competitive gamer, Lauren Berggren, together, the two would make themselves available to play against in a special “Cupid Wingman” multiplayer format.

There were a few hoops you had to jump through to get in on the action, namingly you needed to be on 30 minutes before and send them (CliffyBVday and LaurenBVday) friend requests before their friend lists exploded like a well timed shotgun blast to the lower mid section. My wife doesn’t game beyond Mario Kart and Bejewled, so I didn’t think she would be down for a night of anything more than some offline 1v1. In other words, I didn’t bother to log on during the 30 minute friend request period. In fact, I completely forgot about the event all together.

I helped her prepare dinner, and then went off to my office to check some email while the food cooked. While in my office, a friend who I do a great deal of online multiplayer with, called me and asked if I wanted to play some Gears of War 3. I should probably also tell you that this call was a FaceTime with the Apple iPhone. Now, I don’t know how you and your friends use FaceTime, but I know how me and my friends use it. With each call, it is our civic duty to shock each other more than the one before. This instance featured an up close shot of his mouth while he attempted to lick his nose. Yes, we are both still mentally present in the 5th grade, however as you will soon read, even someone with the mentality of a 5th grader knows that some things go over the line.

Considering his call made me laugh so hard I almost crapped myself, I agreed to play one or two quick matches before dinner. Upon logging in, I noticed the Cupid Wingman option and thought … oh yeah, that thing! While he was booting up his Xbox 360, I figured, what the hell, I’ll click it and see what happens. The match making system kicked in, and to my surprise, there I was, waiting to join in on a match with Cliff and Lauren. I thought, huh, that was easy. Of course I wanted to see just how good Mr. Cliff was at his own game, so while I waited for the current round to end, I quickly button pressed my way, back and forth, between his and Lauren’s perspective.

I told my friend “hey, I got in to this match with Cliff and Lauren,” to which he replied, “yeah, I don’t care.” Just as I finished listening to him say that, Cliff took a shot gun blast to his heart shaped face (yes, all the faces in Cupid Wingman look like giant candy hearts), and he vanished into a bloody mist right before my eyes. This made me feel better, because, well, I really suck at Gears multiplayer, but I enjoy it none-the-less. “Hey, Cliff just died, but Lauren is still alive, and she is doing pretty good” I said to my friend. “Let me see if I can invite you to this.” I sent him an invite, and tabbed back into the game in time to see Lauren, despite her best effort to wall bounce and remain alive, get downed by another player. But, he didn’t finish her off. He just stood there humping her face. Back and forth. I thought to myself, “huh, I wonder if they expected this sort of disrespectful response from their fans.” Lauren got up, and the individual downed her again, humping her face, again. He did this twice, and then killed her on the third time. The kill was not an act of mercy, but a result of the game’s design, because you can’t be downed and revived more than twice.

That match was over, and my friend who finally booted up, joined the contest just before the next game started. I shot off one blast from the Torque Bow (that missed horribly), then heard “hey Chad, they aren’t even in here anymore.” He was right. Both Cliff and Lauren were gone. I tried twice more to connect to Cupid Wingman matches, but could not find them again. I would have probably tried a few more times, but my wife came in to my office to let me know that dinner was ready, so I told my friend I’d talk to him tomorrow and disconnected.

Those that know me, know that I recently got married to my wife in October. Prior to that we had been together for about six years. Over dinner, I told her about what I saw in game, and how one player was “face humping” another. I also explained to her that the player was a well known game developer’s fiance, adding that he was in the game playing with her as well. Not knowing much about the game, she said “wow, these games are dirty.” I laughed. Of course it’s not the game that is dirty, so much as the players who access it. With a million ways to finish off an opponent built into Gears of War 3, such as arm ripping, neck snapping, and throat slitting, I find the option taken by the player, who I won’t name, against Lauren, as a direct “fuck you” to Cliff.

To the immature gamer that did this: Yes, he is wealthy and successful. Yes, she is attractive. No, she will never leave him for you, no matter how skilled you are with a virtual shot gun.

There’s a reason why famous people don’t typically make themselves accessible to the general public, because of the countless jealous ass-hats that, fueled by an overbearing sense of entitlement, feel they deserve to have what that person has, regardless of the amount of work and sacrifice that person put forth to get where they are.

I’d be interested in seeing whether Epic Games offers up anything like this again to fans, and I wouldn’t be surprised one bit if they don’t. Sure, I could be making a big deal out of nothing. Maybe it wasn’t meant as disrespect, but either way, it’s a clear sign to me at least, that there’s a good chunk of gamers out there that need to grow up. And this is coming from a guy that openly uses FaceTime to pick his nose with friends.

I’m off to spend the rest of the night with my lovely wife. I hope that Cliff and Lauren wised up, cut the gaming session with fans short, and decided to do the same.