We all love our iconic video game gizmos and gadgets. They are as real to us as the sheets we sleep on at night, unless of course some of us don’t have sheets or a even a bed, if that’s the case please pay no mind to my previous comment. I know not what I say.
Anyway, what if we could bring those elements to life and have them be a part of our every day without the non video game loving people staring at us like we have a third eye? Wouldn’t that be great? I mean, some of them may continue to stare anyway but screw those people! Who needs them! On with this list.
5) Zelda Themed Dinnerware Forged in the Fires of Hyrule
There are few things in this world that I despise more than sitting down to dinner and having to eat off of an ordinary plate with ordinarily utensils. Every day life is already mundane enough, and that’s why I want to see Nintendo give us some proper Zelda inspired dinnerware. Now, I’m not talking about screenprinting on some cheap dollar store plastic dish. No, I’m talking about the kind of heavy duty shit that could double as a sword and board in the event an intruder breaks into your home and tries to get between you and your succulant plate of BBQ Glazed Ganon Giblets. Equipped with this masterful dinnerware set you could take a few extra bites, stand up from your chair, wipe the sauce off the edges of your mouth, and while still chewing, carve him to pieces before swallowing, giving you plenty of time to sit back down and continue your feast! An eight piece set won’t come cheap, but remember what the wise old man once told us, “It’s dangerous at the dinner table. Will you be paying with cash or credit?”
4) NERF Gears of War Lancer with Functional Chainsaw
We’ve all been there. Stuck at a wedding our significant other convinced us to attend because they swore it would be a good time, and then we get there and realize we’re seated at the table full of annoying kids who refuse to eat anything on their plate and demand that the DJ plays Elmo’s greatest hits. You know what would shut those kids right the hell up? A NERF gun, but not just any old NERF gun. No, I’m talking about a Limited Edition NERF Replica Gears of War Lancer with a fully functional plastic saw powerful enough to knock out a few teeth and some rapid fire pellets to take down the little buggers that try to run away. And if you pre-order with GameStop you’ll get a set of NERF sticky frag grenades perfect for the occasions you find yourself still wanting to inflict pain to others without drawing too much unnecessary attention to yourself.
3) Five Hour Energy Drink with Super Mushroom Extract
Having a few hours of extra energy to make it through a busy day full of road raging drivers, overly demanding bosses, and pesky little Goombas, is a lovely thing, but it would be even better if the energy boost came with a little something extra to really help put you over the top. I’m talking about a Super Mushroom sized growth spurt to scare the shit out of anyone who even thinks about fucking with you during the next five hours. Who needs an office linebacker when you could be the office giant? What’s that boss? You want me to get this file reworked and back to you by noon with a TPS cover sheet? (gulp gulp gulp) Wait boss, come back. What happened to the rush? Get it to you when I have a free minute you say? Alright. Thanks, Bob.
2) Vehicles with Standard Equipped Portal Gun Assist
I know that green friendly cars are all the rage right now, and why shouldn’t they be? They decrease our dependency on foreign energy and better the environment. But do you know the one thing they don’t do? They don’t help us get to work any faster when we’re stuck in bumper to bumper LA rush hour traffic, while some jackass two cards in front of us blares 80s heavy metal with his windows down because it makes him feel young again. No green car will remedy that, but the standard equipped Portal Gun Assist will nip that shit right in the ass. That’s right, no more fuel concerns and no more annoying traffic jams that double for a Motley Crue concert. Simply press the button on your vehicle dash (think OnStar with bigger balls) and a well placed blast fires a portal directly in front of you while simultaneously sending the same command request to the mobile unit already positioned in your driveway or garage. And just like that, you are home sweet home. Additionally (for a small per use surcharge) you could tap into commercial portals to make a quick zip to McDonalds faster than ever before. The only problem with this is you won’t have the drive home to blame when you get yelled at for eating all the fries.
1) Infinite Belly Button Storage
I mean seriously, what the hell does our belly button do for us right now, besides gather lint? The fact that it even attempts to gather anything should be a clear sign to us all that it was meant for storage despite the fact that its current design is vastly flawed. I want to update that pint sized pouch to a storage vessel of epic MMO proportions. I’m talking about equipping it with enough twenty slot bags to make every World of Warcraft player hit the Blizzard forums demanding a nerf. And just like WoW, these always-hidden-from-plain-view multi-slot storage units will house everything from your family pet to your mid-sized SUV. Gone are the days of paying for outrageously priced event parking passes and additional baggage fees at the airport. Unfortunately, making it through security will be a bigger bitch than ever before, so you may want to leave your Thunderfury at home.
That’s all for now folks. These Photoshop pieces took me a great deal of time to come up with and put together so, like them or not, please feel free to sound off in the comments section below. I try to respond to everyone and am always looking for new suggestions and feedback. You can also follow me on twitter by adding @chadlakkis. Thanks!