RipTen Videogame Blog » Dan Landis

RipTen Review: Saints Row: The Third (Xbox 360)

Dan Landis — Tue, 06 Dec 2011 03:30:13 +0000

When a game like Saints Row: The Third gives you the ability to share your ridiculous experiences with a friend, you don’t squander it. No, you take that opportunity and run with it. Naked. Brandishing sex toys as weapons and driving a gold-plated Hummer with pedestrian-destroying spiked hubcaps. And that’s just what I did with my brother John. Now we’re gonna talk about it. And you’re going to read it. And then you’re going to the store to buy me some ice cream.

Dan: Right, so we played Saints Row: The Third that one time, remember?

John: Yeah. It was a bit on the awesome side of things.

Dan: Was it?

John: I thought so. Might have been better had we actually beaten the story instead of just blowing up random shit.

Dan: Well, there is something to be said for a game that lets you have so much fun without having to do anything relating to a story… or even know or care what the story is.

John: True. The only problem is that I think even more hijinks are unlocked as you do more of the story, so by limiting the amount of missions we did, we sort of kept a bit of the shenanigans from perhaps reaching their true potential.

Dan: Well, we made it pretty far together, but you got the game before I did and made it further than I did, mission-wise. Tell me about some things that I didn’t do yet.

John: Not so much activities that I know of, but weapons or outfits to be sure. I don’t think you unlocked the RC gun yet. The RC Gun lets you take control of vehicles by shooting them. It’s how I stole my first helicopter.

Dan: Yeah, I remember you telling me that just after I said “You know what would make this game better? If they had that grappling hook from Just Cause 2.”

John: I know in single player I wasn’t able to do the activities until I unlocked them in a story mission, so I don’t know if in our co-op sessions we were able to do them because I had unlocked them already or if they just unlock because it’s co-op.

Dan: Hmm, that’s a good question. The first thing I experienced in the game was when I hopped into your campaign and was immediately run over.

John: Hah! I don’t remember that.

Dan: Yeah. I kept dying, and you said that maybe I should start a new game and you’ll join me.

John: Ah, yeah. Worked out a lot better that way too I think.

Dan: I agree.

John: Oh yeah, I remember now, I sucked you into the Man-a-pault or whatever!

Dan: Yeah, and then I shot myself out of it and died… So, the game starts with us robbing a bank with an oversized Johnny Gat bobblehead mask.

John: Yeah, gets you right into the action before you even get to customize your character or anything. Really gets you a feel for the over-the-top nature of the game in the first few minutes.

Dan: Sure does! The one thing that was odd about it, and correct me if I’m wrong, but your character speaks, right?

John: Yeah, it’s one of the generic voices, but there is a voice disguiser as part of the mask if I remember right, so they still have an out for that one also. Though you can definitely tell it’s one of the generic dude voices and most certainly not Zombie Voice.

Dan: Hahaha, talk about the zombie voice for a minute.

John: I love Zombie Voice. Basically everything the character normally says in the game, and I have no idea how to say this in a written format, is just crazy zombie rantings.

Dan: Like “blarrg, blaahhhh, bluahhhhh!”

John: In game the subtitles just say like “grumble” or “groan” but in the cinema scenes he actually has conversations. Haha, yeah, like you said. The best part is people will actually have conversations with Zombie Voice, so you’ll have a scene like this:
Trent: Yo! We need to kill that bitch!
Zombie Voice: Blarg larg blaaaah!
Trent: Oh, snap! You’re right, we can’t just go in there, they’ll spot us a mile away!
Zombie Voice: Blarg!
Trent: Good idea! Let’s go!
It’s almost like Han and Chewie

RipTen Review: Dance Central 2 (Xbox 360)

Dan Landis — Fri, 28 Oct 2011 02:45:17 +0000

Believe it or not, I’m a damn fine dancer. Or, at least according to Dance Central 2 via the Kinect interface, I’m pretty good at following on-screen instructions for how to wiggle my body parts to the beat of a song. I got the “Say What Arms” down. I can do “The Torch” with my eyes closed. I can do the “Humpty Thrust” for a good five minutes straight before I need to rest. That’s right, friends. I am a machine.

Dance Central 2 improves upon the already fun experience of the original Dance Central with more songs and the ability to play cooperatively with a buddy/hot random person you’re trying to hook up with at a party. Gone are the days of girls not dancing with me because we have to battle and I always destroy them with my manly rendition of Salt N Peppa’s “Push It.” Now I can cooperatively “Push It” all up in their faces, and they love it because it adds to our score. It makes our bond that much stronger and assures me that candlelight dinners and long walks on the beach are just around the corner.

Aww Yeah.

So what is it you want to know about this game? Does it make good use of Kinect? Yes, the body tracking works well and menu navigation is easy — you can even use voice commands to pick your song. The soundtrack is bigger than the original’s, but I’m not totally sure if it’s better. There are a lot of more recent songs, such as Far East Movement’s “Like a G6,” but collectively, the soundtrack is around the same ratio of “Oh sweet!” to “Why the eff would I want to dance to that song?” as the first game (which is pretty good, if you didn’t know).

Still, the dance moves themselves are a bit more varied and fun to perform, so even the easy songs are kinda fun instead of just alternating between three simple arm movement’s like in Lady Gaga’s “Poker Face.” Like Rock Band, you can also import all of the songs from the previous game for use in the sequel, and the relicensing fee is only 5 bucks. It’s actually even cheaper than that if you use the 240 Microsoft space bucks included in the box.

Combining the songs from Dance Central 1 and 2 and the two Marathon DLC packs, I’m sitting pretty with 105 ways to get my groove on. All of the songs can be broken down into their individual dance moves, all of which can even be performed in slo-mo until you nail it. You don’t have to go through the entire song any more either; you can pick and choose which moves you want to practice. On top of that, you can even video record yourself performing the move, and it will play it back with the avatar performing it next to you so you can compare what you’re doing to what you’re supposed to be doing (or if you just want to embarrass yourself). I must admit that I have video recorded myself practicing moves that my avatar will likely never replicate in an E-rated game.

Work It.

After practicing a song, of course, it’s time to perform it. In ‘Perform It’ mode, you can bust a move by yourself or with a friend, as mentioned earlier. In Battle Mode, however, you have a dance off against another player. The new Battle Mode features Free-4-All sections where random dance moves are thrown out there to mix things up. Combined with all of the new songs, simultaneous multiplayer dancing is probably the best reason to pick up Dance Central 2.

Additionally, there’s a Fitness Mode and a new Crew Challenge campaign mode, in which you dance through a couple of songs with each of the different crews to unlock super special surprises. The crews replaced the individual characters from the original game, so every time you dance, you dance as a whole crew. In Fitness Mode, you just dance until you have a heart attack, and it estimates how many calories you’ve burned along the way.

It's On.

In every respect, Dance Central 2 is a worthy successor/addition/replacement for the original Dance Central. Every aspect of the game is just plain better. After importing all of the original’s songs, you can give the disc to a homeless person because you have no reason to ever go back to it.

If someone told me a year ago that I’d really like a dancing game, I probably would have punched them in the mouth for disrespecting my manliness. After Dance Central came out, that all changed, and now Dance Central 2 is making me want to play it until I memorize some of the moves and can bust them out on the streets. These are the cheapest dance lessons you’re going to find, and it’s an exceptional investment for the rhythmically challenged of the world, i.e. my brother and pretty much all white people. If you plopped down the money for a Kinect and want to actually use it for anything other than voice-controlling your Netflix, you owe it to yourself to pick up Dance Central 2.

Here’s The Rundown:

+ Teaches you how to jerk
+ Makes you feel so fly like a G6
+ Lets you relive Night at the Roxbury
+ It likes it when you do that right thurr
+ I’m your Venus, I’m your fire, stroke me sire
+ Lil’ Jon got the moves to make your booty go *smack*
+ Oh my god, Becky, look at her butt
+ Better than Thor
– Some of the moves hurt my wang
– Not enough nudity
– Lady Gaga’s “Born This Way” is just a terrible song
– Doesn’t automatically summon hot chicks to my dance floor

Dance Central 2 was developed by Harmonix and published by Microsoft Game Studios. It released on October 25, 2011, for the Xbox 360 and the required peripheral Kinect. A copy of the game was provided by Harmonix because they are trying to infect me with the need to dance. This game will be in my 360 for my Halloween party (dancing + alcohol + costumes = a good time). You so jelly.

RipTen Review: Batman: Arkham City (Xbox 360)

Dan Landis — Wed, 26 Oct 2011 05:37:11 +0000

I probably don’t say this as much as a should, but I love video games. After a long day studying the inside of people, it’s nice to come home and live some other life for a few hours. I could save a country, doom the galaxy, roll a boulder down a hill to smash into a castle, or I could be a one-man gang-raping machine like Batman. Seriously, when Batman kicks ass, he kicks ass as though he were five separate ass-kickers kicking the same ass simultaneously. Even if you never did anything else in the game but kick ass as Batman, Arkham City would be awesome. And yet there’s so much more to it than that…

Arkham City is, in reality, almost exactly what you would imagine if I were to say to you “Grand Theft Batman.” Unlike Arkham Asylum, this game features plenty of distractions besides the main storyline and the Riddler puzzles. I’m talking full-blown side missions that you are under no obligation to ever search out or complete but add so much more variety and immersion into the Batman universe that you’d be a crazy retarded person (that makes bad decisions) if you didn’t complete them.

The game world itself, which for the purposes of this review we’ll refer to as “Arkham City,” is huge. And unlike Arkham Asylum in Arkham Asylum, Arkham City‘s Arkham City is wide open pretty much from the very beginning. After a brief intro movie and some Bruce Wayne pawnage, you don the cape and cowl and are gently nudged toward rescuing Catwoman. Fuck that. Catwoman is annoying, so I’ll just let her dangle for a bit while I scope out the city.

In the process, I come across a bad guy that I am inexplicably unable to destroy with a stealth takedown. As it turns out, Batman forgot how to do most of his trademarked Batman spookiness and won’t remember until an on-screen prompt reminds him, and that means I have to go save that cat lady. It doesn’t take long before I’m fully able to use all of Batman’s skills again, but the fact that I was totally unable to for a while was slightly irritating.

Outside of that relatively minor annoyance, there really isn’t a single bad thing I can say about Arkham City. Everything in this game stands as an example of how to do things right. The narrative is better, but I don’t want to touch that at all so it’ll be totally new and fresh for you when you play it. The atmosphere is superb. The graphics are quite possibly the best I’ve ever seen in a 360 game. Okay, it doesn’t have the smooth frame rate of RAGE, but dammit, it really does look better. The sound is also fantastic, including the awesome voice work of Luke Skywalker and Kevin Conroy. Controls are much the same as the last game, so if you’ve played Arkham Asylum, you’ll have no trouble getting right back into the swing of things.

You can travel around Arkham City using Batman’s grapnel gun, slinging yourself between rooftops and ledges, and you can also glide with Batman’s magical cape. I know it’s not really magical, so shut up. Anyhow, the gliding mechanics took a little getting used to, but once you really get it down, you’ll feel like you can fly. Who needs a Batwing?

The game comes packed with a code to play as Catwoman in a few side missions, and it also unlocks her for all of the challenge maps. Her play style is quite a bit different from Batman’s, so it’s neat to try things out with a whole new character and not just a reskinned Batman. The bad guys also tend to call her “bitch” a lot, but that’s what bad guys do. I’m kinda surprised they don’t also call Batman a fag.

Regardless, Arkham City is awesome. It’s so good, in fact, that it inspired me to dress as Batman for Halloween. It’s probably the most thrilling game I’ve played all year. There’s a ton to do, and if you never want it to end, you can always play through it again with the New Game Plus option. If you have no interest in anything but the main storyline, however, please leave your name and address in the comments section so I can show up at your door in my Batman costume and politely tell you that you’re doing it wrong.

Here’s The Rundown:

+ Everything
– Nothing (except that thing I mentioned earlier)

Learn more about the RipTen scoring system and what this score means. Visit our review scoring page.

Batman: Arkham City was developed by Rocksteady Studios and published by Warner Bros. Interactive Entertainment. It was released on October 18, 2011, for the PC, PlayStation 3, and Xbox 360. A copy of the game leaned over the roof of my apartment and strangled me when I walked out onto my balcony. It has since been confined to my 360 where it will likely stay until I get Skyrim and Saints Row: The Third.

PS: Batman is better than Thor.

RipTen Review: Dead Rising 2: Off the Record

Dan Landis — Wed, 12 Oct 2011 13:31:34 +0000

Wicky wicky wild, wicky wicky wild
Wild Wild West, Frank West, desperado.
Infected, no you don’t want nada.
None of this, don’t mess with this, photojournalist,
I’ve covered wars yo, look it’s like I said bro.
Any showgirl that’s in distress
Be out of that dress when she meet Frank West
Combos so go check the maintenance door
Watch your step, don’t slip, there’s some puke on the floor
Zombrex in store, don’t miss injection time,
You don’t wanna see me rage, turn your brains to slime,
Fuck all of this, from the start of this, in Willamette,
Frank West, shamin’ the rest, with the biggest balls yet

Now who ya gonna call? *Not the Chuck Greenes*
Now who ya gonna call? *Muthafuckin’ Frankie*

Zombie heads and teeth I really wanna bust, freak out
before you get chainsawed at the (Wild Wild West)
When I stab into the (Wild Wild West)
When I slice into the (Wild Wild West)
When I chop into the (Wild Wild West)

We blowing straight through that zombie’s chest
We blowing straight through with Wild Frank West

So anyway, Dead Rising 2: Off the Record is pretty fun — I wouldn’t rearrange a Will Smith song if it wasn’t. If you’ve played either of the two previous Dead Rising games, you should already know what to expect: zombies, silliness, and zombie silliness.

The opening cinematic shows the rise and fall of Frank West as a celebrity hero, up to and including how he ends up in Fortune City. I’m pretty sure this is an alternate universe and not a side story to Chuck Greene’s adventures in Dead Rising 2 — you will save some of the same people, kill some of the same psychopaths, and so on. In fact, Off the Record is basically Capcom saying,

“Look, Frank West is a way better character than Chuck Greene, so how about we pretend that other game didn’t happen, and you can play through Dead Rising 2 all over again as Frank West instead. Oh, and did you see our newest Street Fighter game? It’s way different and better than the last 27 Street Fighters.”

Frank and his story are more light hearted than Chuck’s, and that’s a welcomed change. Even though that annoying little jerk-off Katie isn’t around to worry about, it turns out that Frank himself is infected, so you still have to scavenge for Zombrex. In fact, your first mission is to go find some Zombrex before you go full-fledged zombie crazy. The fact that Frank is infected is apparently a secret, yet everyone in the game seems to know about it anyway. They must be psychic.

No really, I'm a psychic

The same timeline exists in Off the Record as well. You have three days to rescue people and uncover this whole conspiracy plot, all the while searching for Zombrex, and then the military arrives and spoiler spoiler spoiler. Of course, you could just ignore all of that responsibility and play through the new Sandbox Mode.

Sandbox mode is perhaps the biggest reason to pick up this game. There is no time limit. There is no need to search for Zombrex. The other survivors are people to kill instead of people to rescue. There are Challenges scattered all over the mall that task you with killing a certain number of zombies, collecting a certain amount of PP, getting from A to B as fast as you can, etc. All of these challenges can be attempted as many times as you’d like and earn you cash bonuses. Your character progress is also shared between Story Mode and Sandbox Mode, so everything you earn in the game can be utilized in both modes.

Both modes also feature a new Checkpoint system that careless noobs will appreciate. Oh shit, you died and didn’t save your game in the past two hours? Normally, that means you are going to start over or redo those last two hours, but with the new Checkpoints, you may not be as screwed as your imprudent ass normally would be. I guess that might be progress.

RipTen Review: Rise Of Nightmares (Xbox 360)

Dan Landis — Wed, 28 Sep 2011 11:00:00 +0000

Rise of Nightmares starts much in the same way as every other Kinect game: I’m told how to use my body to manipulate the game, and after a few minutes of playing around, my head explodes. In this case, that head explosion was a pleasant surprise, though I’m sure my character in the game would say otherwise.

After awakening from a drunken stupor, my annoying wife is berating me about my drinking problem. We’re on a train in some European country, but I’m not entirely sure what we’re doing here. She walks off, and I run through a variety of interactions with people, doors, and a bathroom, learning how to splash water on my face, travel between train cars, ogle women, and duck under a ballerina’s thigh — all done by actually mimicking these movements (though the game didn’t really listen to me when I tried to stay between the ballerina’s legs — points off for that one). Walking is done by putting one foot in front of the other, and backing up is done by putting one foot behind me. Conversely, I can hold up my right hand to automagically walk me in the direction I need to go. For some strange reason, that walks me in the direction of my annoying wife.

In the process of following her, I’m sucked into some strange lady’s room, and she forces me to play cards with her. She tells me my fortune, which of course involves warning me that a terrible evil is descending on me. I didn’t really follow most of what she said, though, because I was busy staring at her tits — I should probably just leave before I get into even more trouble with that annoying wife of mine. So, I keep moving, and when I finally catch up with to my annoying wife, she disappears with some strange man, blood flies all over the place, and my train derails. This is going to be one fun vacation!

Why, Hello There.

When I wake up again, the real game starts. I find myself defending all of the whiny bitches that happened to survive the train crash, none of them able to pick up a stick and beat off the robot zombies that are attacking us. Most of these douchey Euro-ravers should be used to beating off strangers, so points off for that gross inaccuracy.

At some point, I get myself knocked out (again) and wake up to a scene straight outta Hostel. This scene is just disgusting for the sake of being disgusting. I find myself some weapons, like a machete that breaks after chopping up five or so robo-zombies. Made in the U.S.A.? Should have known! Then I get a different weapon. I chop up some zombies. I see something disgusting. I get knocked out again. Something jumps out at me and makes me go poo-poo in my pants. That’s pretty much how the whole game goes.

Then I sit my girlfriend down with the game– err, well, I guess she’s actually standing up. Anyhow, she runs through the tutorial and the train scene and then starts navigating around creepy places killing robo-zombies. It’s at this point that she says something that really needs to be repeated: “I think I would like this game more if I could use a controller.” Yup, the non-gaming casual demographic that motion controls are marketed to would rather play a mature action game like Rise of Nightmares with a controller.

That Can't Be Good...

Now, you have to understand a few things here. My girlfriend is a book nerd. She doesn’t really play video games, like, at all. We played Splosion Man together, ran through Castle Crashers together, but Mass Effect, a game with a deep narrative that I assumed she’d like, she puts down after 20 minutes. She likes other Kinect games, games that make a lot more sense to play using Kinect than to use a controller. Dance Central is a perfect example. Rise of Nightmares, however, is a mature game built for a hardcore audience that would probably prefer to play the game with a controller anyhow. And she pointed that out even though she’s not any kind of gamer at all.

It’s a shame, too, because Rise of Nightmares has some of the best Kinect recognition I’ve experienced. The navigation is spot on, the swinging of my weapons is always picked up and never accidentally does something I don’t want like that goddamn Fruit Ninja Kinect, and I don’t have to repeat my contextual actions a hundred times before the game recognizes what I’m trying to do. Well, there was that one time when I was trying to hump that ballerina…

I Find This Hard To Masturbate To

Rise of Nightmares gets a lot of things right: its B-movie campiness, the music, the over-the-top gore, the feeling of swinging a chainsaw around with accurate motion tracking. The problem is that I just don’t know who this game is for. Plenty of people said that Kinect was stupid because it didn’t do anything for core gamers, yet here is a mature game that, despite how well it works with Kinect, makes me wish I could just sit down and play it with a controller. The contextual motion prompts of opening doors and pulling levers and all that stuff is actually pretty neat, but I just feel like I’m over it after the first hour. Then new motion gestures pop up for me to do, and I question myself on how much I still want a controller.

Regardless, Rise of Nightmares is fun, if short-lived. The graphics and terrible voice acting made me feel like I was playing House of the Dead at the arcade, but I actually did find myself hesitating to plunge my hand into a blood-filled toilet looking for a key. I guess that means I was immersed, so kudos on that. Rise of Nightmares probably isn’t the killer app that will convert hardcore gamers into Kinect lovers, but it is definitely something that should be experienced just for its clever use of Kinect.

Still pretty upset I couldn’t bang those ballerinas, though.

Here’s The Rundown:

+ Clever motion gestures
+ Auto-navigation
+ Does not have a Sensei Swag Shop
+ Atmospheric music
+ Robo-zombies are probably also Nazis
+ Better than Thor
– Placing hands over ears does not mute my annoying wife
– Why do I even want to save her when she’s so goddamn annoying?
– Voice acting is so bad it makes other bad voice acting seem… less bad
– When am I going to be able to Kinect-hump people?

Learn more about the RipTen scoring system and what this score means. Visit our review scoring page

Rise of Nightmares was developed and published by Sega. It was released on September 6, 2011, for the Xbox 360 and the peripheral Kinect, which is required to play the game. A copy of the game was provided by a robo-zombie from Sega for the purposes of this review. I found it very hard to stay motivated in the story because I was really not that interested in saving my nagging, annoying wife. She should have been hotter and open to threesomes, then maybe I would have tried harder.

RipTen Review: Warhammer 40K: Space Marine (Xbox 360)

Dan Landis — Tue, 20 Sep 2011 01:00:41 +0000

Riding in the back of my dropship, all hell is breaking loose around me. We’re descending on Forge World Graia to push back an Ork assault and secure this strategically important planet — after all, they make Titans here. Ork Kroozers are totally in my way, shooting down other dropships and bombarding the planet, so I guess we’re taking a little detour. With no real ability to just land our dropship on an Ork ship, I decide, as Captain Titus of the Ultramarines, to jump out and nosedive my way onto the nearest Kroozer.

This is where the tutorial begins, and I am reminded how to properly slice and shoot the enemies of the Imperium of Man. A few dozen greenskins fall to my blade; a handful more are thrown through the air after I blow the shit out of their turrets with my bolt pistol. A few of the bigger xenos don’t want to die so easily, so I stun them before performing an execution move that leaves their heads and bodies in two different places. I make my way to the main cannon, and using only a sliver of my Astartes might, I grab the weapon that’s shooting down my fellow Ultramarines and spin it around to face back at the Kroozer it’s attached to. Good job, Orks — you just blew up your own ship (though I guess I helped).

As the campaign continues, I acquire some additional firepower: a Bolter, Stalker-Bolter (sniper rifle), Vengeance Launcher (shoots mines), Lascannon, Melta-Gun, and more. My standard bolt pistol is also replaced with a plasma pistol, and my standard sword is replaced by a Chainsword, Power Axe, or a Thunder Hammer. I also face bigger, better-equipped enemies, up to and including Ork Bosses, Chaos Space Marines, and even a Daemon Lord.

The campaign is exciting, full of twists and turns and varied gameplay elements. A few levels give me access to a jump-pack, which I can use to blast myself a hundred feet into the air before slamming back down to the earth with enough force to crush my enemies and crumble the ground around me. This is also the perfect tool to crack open the bucket of crab legs I’m going to eat when I’m finished wiping out this scourge.

Gameplay in Space Marine is pretty smooth, with the exception of the context-sensitive button presses to grab turrets or perform executions. Often, I would find myself jamming on the B button while running around in circles trying to get the action to happen while other jerks were shooting and/or stabbing me to death. This was most apparent during the boss battle (if you can call it that) at the end of Chapter 4, where I would consistently get my ass kicked while trying to simply grab the turret. I died and played this part so many times that I ended up with the Achievement for “winning 10 duels with a Nob” before I had finally beaten the chapter — and this was on easy!

Some people might say, “Well, why don’t you just kill those guys first so they can’t attack you so much while you’re trying to perform said context-sensitive action?” Great idea! The problem is that killing enemies requires me to be alive, and context-sensitive button presses are how I perform executions which refill my health meter and help me be alive. Even then, the executions themselves are slightly drawn out in order to display how thoroughly I’m killing that Ork, so during this time I’m watching my health bar continue to deplete as the other Orks gang-rape me. There have far too been many an occasion where I would fall over dead in the middle of ramming my chainsword down some Ork’s throat during an execution, while only a split second later the Ork would have been dead and my health would have been restored. Sadness.

The saddest thing, however, is that almost everything good in Space Marine has been done before in another game, but those other games have pretty much taken their best ideas from the Warhammer 40,000 universe. StarCraft is pretty much a direct rip-off of Warhammer 40k, just as WarCraft is a rip-off of the original Warhammer. Half of the ideas from Gears of War are from Warhammer 40k. The gravity hammer in Halo is pretty much identical to the thunder hammer in 40k. And so on.

When I played the original Gears of War, I thought to myself, “This would make an awesome Warhammer: 40k game.” With a few artistic changes, that game would have been a perfect use of the Warhammer 40k license. So now Space Marine comes out, and it’s labeled a “Gears clone” and for good reason — from a gameplay perspective, it borrows a lot. The problem is that Gears still does it better.

My biggest annoyance is that the Warhammer games are totally built around squad combat, and yet here we have Space Marine without the option to play co-op. Yes, there’s a downloadable co-op mode still on the horizon, but from what I understand, it’s not going to be a new campaign. Either way, Space Marine shipped a few short weeks prior to Gears of War 3, and it’s a very similar format, yet it doesn’t have co-op while Gears 3 is 4 player. There’s just no way I can spin that to have it make any sense to me.

Those gripes aside, Space Marine is a very solid game. The multiplayer only features a deathmatch and king of the hill mode (that’s what people seem to prefer in most games anyhow), but the customization options are pretty extensive. There are a ton of armor pieces to unlock, and you can even paint your suit a nice, pretty purple. The leveling system only goes up to 5 unless you buy the game new or purchase an online pass, which extends the cap to 41. It’s fun, fast, and well balanced, which is really all you can ask for.

For more on the multiplayer, check out our editor Dave in action as he uses the Assault class to own face.

Space Marine isn’t perfect, but it really nails the Warhammer 40k look and feel better than any other game I’ve played. The Ultramarines are suitably smug yet dutiful, their verbiage above that of the average Imperial Guard. The atmosphere is bleak, like war is all anyone has ever known. Captain Tight-ass is a stoic ass-kicker routinely covered in blood spatter from all of the chopping and slicing of melee combat. The final boss battle is also pretty goddamn awesome, but I won’t spoil it.

If you’re a Warhammer 40k fan, you’ll love all of the little things that Space Marine gets right. If you’re a fan of games or shooters in general, you’ll probably have a good time for the 15 or so hours it takes to beat it. If you like overpowered weapons and feeling like a total badass, you’ll love literally blowing holes through bitches with the Lascannon and pounding brains with the Thunder Hammer. If you are none of these things, then let’s hope you at least have nice breasts.

Here’s The Rundown:

+ Space Marines!
+ Executions are gross
+ Glorifies the genocide of things that are different from us
+ The whirring hum of a chainsword
+ Ruthlessness is the kindness of the wise
+ Better than Thor
– No campaign co-op
– Frustrating health mechanics
– I think I only saw, like, one chick in the whole game
– Imperials are totally racist

Learn more about the RipTen scoring system and what this score means. Visit our review scoring page

Space Marine was developed by Relic and published by THQ. It released on September 6, 2011, for the PC, PlayStation 3, and Xbox 360. A copy was provided by the publisher for the purposes of this review. I was forced to do horrible things for many hours to people whose only crime was being green and trying to kill me. Can’t we all just get along?

RipTen Review: Dead Island (Xbox 360)

Dan Landis — Tue, 06 Sep 2011 20:00:02 +0000

After an opening video that reminded me of my usual Saturday night, I came to the title screen of Dead Island — a view of nothing but a cloud of blood slowly dispersing in the water while somber music played in the background. It was at this point that I started to think I might like this game. Then I hit the start button and those feelings went right out the window.

At the character select screen, I flipped through my choices of Asian ninja girl, half-black half-Australian mercenary girl, a black rapping dude, and Chuck Liddell. These characters give a sob-story voiceover about why they are on the island, and quite frankly this was the moment where I stopped giving a fuck whether or not any of them survived what I knew was about to happen to them. Thankfully, once the game actually started, they stopped talking.

So I make my selection. Anyone who knows me would also know that the obvious choice is the Asian girl. I may be a huge sexy white guy on the outside, but on the inside, I’m an Asian woman through and through. This one knows martial arts. She’s good with a blade. She’s in all of the advertisements so she must have some kind of hidden perks. Now I just need to find some other hot girls to go make out with.

The first hot girl I run into chases me down a hallway and punches me in the face. Not cool! You know, she wasn’t even all that hot anyway. Her body was alright, but she had some serious kind of skin condition. Whatevs. I’m sure I can find some more girlies. Hey, there’s one! Oh, she’s in a bikini just like the last girl and– eww! What is up with that skin!? Turns out, she’s on her period or something. This is not why I came to this tropical resort, so I’m getting upset.

A lifeguard informs me that these women aren’t on their periods, they’re just zombies. Oh, and somehow I’m immune to the zombie virus, so it’s up to me to go do EVERY GODDAMN THING THERE IS TO DO while all of these pussies hide out in a shack. Alright, just give me that broomstick so I can go beat some bitches up and save your collective asses. I didn’t want to share any of my XP or energy drinks with you jerks anyhow.

I head out of the shack in search of Lifeguard Cinnamon’s I.D. so that we can move all of the pussies from the shack to the lifeguard station, which I’m told is a more secure location. So I go find it and open the gates, and they all roll up in a pickup. You guys had a pickup this whole time and didn’t bother to let me use it while I was out here doing EVERY GODDAMN THING FOR YOU? You know what, that’s fine. Just give me the XP, you dick.

It’s at this point that Lifeguard Cinnamon tells me that I can get more XP by helping all of the other helpless pussies besides him, and BOOM! I now have a bunch of quest options. I help some girl find her teddy bear. I bring some other girl a few bottles of water. I escort some other girl back to the lifeguard station. They all give me XP, but still none of them make out with me. They’re probably just racists and don’t like my Hong Kongitude. Or maybe they work for The Network.

All of this took place over the course of about 2 hours, and when I stopped to think about it, I realized that I was having a pretty good time. During the prologue, I was a bit unsure if I was really going to like Dead Island. The controls just didn’t feel all that tight and I already noticed some graphical hiccups, like if I look down at my feet when I jump I can see through my body. The prologue was short, though, and after changing the look sensitivity and bashing a few zombie brains, the controls started to feel more natural.

My only gripe here is that the same button is used to enter Fury mode and to heal myself — holding B enters Fury, but just pressing it uses a medkit. Sometimes I try to use Fury before realizing that my meter isn’t the whole way up yet, so I let go of the button and it makes me use a medkit. This has only happened maybe four times, but I feel it was four times too many. Fury mode, by the way, is different depending on your character. My Asian chick goes into a chopping frenzy with a kitchen knife, Chuck Liddell throws a bunch of stuff, etc.

RipTen Review: Bodycount (Xbox 360)

Dan Landis — Mon, 05 Sep 2011 00:00:55 +0000

On paper, Bodycount seems like it could be a pretty nice ride. You play the part of the world-famous Guy Unnamed, a member of an elite military network called ‘The Network.’ That’s the Crysis part of the game. You crash land in some African town and proceed to lay waste to everyone for some reason — maybe for the simple fact that they are shooting at you. I really don’t know. Honestly, the storyline in Bodycount is so forgettable that I literally forget what the game is about.

What I do know is that pulling the left trigger zooms in your view while simultaneously planting your feet so that you can’t move. Yes, the left trigger acts as both a cover mechanic and an aiming device. It’s pretty sweet. Oh, there’s a dude way over there shooting at me! I’ll take cover behind this nothingness in the middle of the road and shoot back at him! That’s the only way I’ll be able to get my crosshairs to cover his face enough to blow a hole through it, so I guess trying to avoid standing still just isn’t in the cards. No circle-strafing for me, dagnabbit.

To be honest, though, it does make some kind of sense. It almost forces you to get behind something, which you would probably do if you were in this situation in real life. It’s kind of like how Gears of War was originally talked about, that you’ll die if you try to run and gun. The difference is that Gears of War doesn’t really work that way, instead rewarding players for practicing roadie-running shotgun dives and giggling like a little girl.

If you do decide to hide behind something, moving the left stick now makes you lean instead of move. You can lean left or right, and you can also pop up or down. The benefit of this system is that there are no “sticky” surfaces to take cover on like pretty much every other game that offers a cover mechanic. If you want to take cover on the corner of a wall, you just stare at it and hold left trigger. You can take cover behind a blade of grass if you want. You can even take cover behind a person and shoot around them instead of through them, though I don’t know why anyone would do that. Teamkilling FTW.

Oh, and this cover that you, uh, cover behind is going to get blown up, so don’t stay there too long. That’s right, walls get shredded, concrete barriers get shredded — even the glass breaks. Whoa! There are times when I decided not to walk around to the other side of a building to find the entrance, so I just blew a large enough hole in the closest wall to walk my unnamed ass through.

So I kill some peoples and they drop colored exclamation points. Sweet! What is that and what do I do with it? Well, this is apparently what intel looks like, and it is the arbitrary word that describes the resource used to power my abilities. Why intel? Why not? Energy, mana, donuts — it’s really all the same. So I use my intel to do things like make myself invincible, call in an air strike, shoot out a pulse… thingy, or turn my bullets into super special explodey bullets. I understand intel used for air strikes, but I don’t get how intel makes me temporarily immortal. Again, though, ‘intel’ is just a word, so it doesn’t really matter.

The amount of intel that enemies drop is dependent on the enemy type as well as a multiplier. The multiplier is determined by chaining skillkills — this is the Bulletstorm part. While there’s nothing too extravagant, skillkills consist of backstabbing, headshots, explosives, killing with the last bullet in a gun, or killing while near death. I think there’s also one for banging a bunch of natives, but I didn’t get it. There might be more, but it’s nowhere near the level of Bulletstorm. At the end of the level, the intel I gathered plus the kill count multiplied by my skillkill chain gave me a ‘bodycount’ score for the level and a letter grade — I don’t know what these are for other than comparing with your friends as there aren’t any achievements associated with getting an ‘A.’

As I progressed through the game, the “bigger picture” was revealed, and I didn’t have to fight highly outmatched Africans for the whole game. That would have been downright racist, so they made me kill Asians, too. All better. There were some people in masks, but I have a sneaking suspicion that underneath they were still probably Asians or Africans. Man, this whole world is just terrible.

Speaking of terrible, the graphics and voice work are really sub-par for this generation. I mean, the Africans and Asians practically look the same! Well, not really, but they are all ugly. The menus and HUD look like they’re straight out of Perfect Dark on the Nintendo 64, and that thing came out like 40 years ago. The Network voice lady also seems like a robot and then not like a robot, but maybe that was supposed to be two different people. I can’t tell. Either way, she/they were totally unenthused with all the hard work I was doing to ~~ethnically cleanse~~ save Africa and Asia.

Bodycount also features some now-standard multiplayer fare: Deathmatch, Team Deathmatch, and a cooperative Horde-like mode. None of these were particularly exciting, but they do what they’re supposed to. Deathmatch games offer the ability to buy new weapons mid game by spending the intel picked up from the dudes you kill, intel that you drop when you die. Buy a different gun, however, and it’s still yours when you respawn. Once you have the guns you want, there’s really no reason to save up intel any more, so you can use it to become invincible, call in air strikes, etc. The Horde mode, on the other hand, only opens up new weapon choices every five waves and only allows respawns if your partner is still alive.

Overall, I was not too impressed with Bodycount. It sounded like a good idea, but the execution just wasn’t that great. It’s a budget title, and it shows. It’s kinda fun, I’ll give it that, but there are way too many first-person shooters out there to compare this to, and Bodycount doesn’t stand up well against most of them. If you absolutely can’t get enough FPS action, then by all means give it a try. For everyone else, it’s probably not even worth a rental unless you want some easy achievements.

Here’s The Rundown:

+ Better than Thor
+ Hey, dem dair walls explodey
+ Not overhyped like Bulletstorm or Crysis 2
– Not very pretty
– Kinda ugly
– Looked not good
– Made me feel like a racist
– Not enough nudity

Learn more about the RipTen scoring system and what this score means. Visit our review scoring page

Bodycount was developed by Guildford Studio and published by Codemasters. It was released for the PS3 and Xbox 360 on August 30, 2011. This copy was provided to us by the publisher because even $40 is too much for a new game. We’s very po’. The game was played until my dreams were haunted by the deaths of so many nameless Africans and Asians.

RipTen Review: Fruit Ninja Kinect (XBLA)

Dan Landis — Mon, 08 Aug 2011 19:44:23 +0000

Not long ago, an evil mastermind crafted a plan to kill us all using the most powerful substance known to man: fruit. Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to judo chop all those fruits in twain.

Fruit Ninja Kinect is one of the Xbox Live Arcade Summer of Arcade arcade games, in which you arcade your Kinect to ninja some fruit. I thought this would involve stealing, but it doesn’t. Instead, you’ll see your shadow self on screen reflecting your supreme beefcake-itude and ginzu hands. Fruit will be tossed up, which you are commanded to slice into pieces. It’s quite simple, really.

There are several modes, including “slice fruit with a time limit” mode, “slice fruit without missing any or setting off any bombs” mode, and “slice fruit while… something happens but I’m not sure how it’s different from the other modes” mode. The options are near limitless!

So I try all the different modes, and they… exist. Bonuses are acquired by slicing 3 or more fruit in one swipe; hitting special fruits can slow time, double the point values, or initiate a “frenzy,” which is basically the fruit equivalent of a multi-ball. There are also special “slice this a million times while we freeze your screen” fruits that give you a few seconds to spaz out before they explode — these are usually the last fruits you’ll see before your time runs out. The whole process of fruit slicing earns you points, and you eventually unlock new backgrounds, blade styles, and shadow forms.

These options become available in the Sensei’s Swag shop, which features the most frustrating, piece-of-shit menu navigation system I have ever experienced in my life. You can scroll up or down the list by slicing up or down, and the speed of that slice determines how far the menu scrolls. So, take for example the idea that you swipe down but don’t go far enough, so you have to raise your hand into the air in order to be able to swipe down again — trust me, that’s just simple geometry. In doing so, however, the GODDAMN SCREEN SCROLLS THE WRONG DIRECTION BECAUSE YOU RAISED YOUR HAND TOO FAST AND IT REGISTERED AS A SLICE. Now you’re farther away, so you swipe down again with a similar result. Repeat until you accidentally hit okay or back or give up because it’s taking too long.

And that’s the biggest problem with the game — accuracy. Or, maybe precision. Either way, you’ll likely find yourself not slicing the fruit you clearly should have just sliced, or accidentally slicing something you clearly did not slice. Sometimes my slices would go unrecognized completely, so I would lose because the game didn’t want to register my hands. Actually, I found that if I sliced too fast, the game wouldn’t pick it up at all, while slicing slowly would result in me looking like a fairy. Solution: I grabbed a butter knife to use as my sword, which surprisingly helped a bit. I also stood behind my couch at one point, so my shadow was cut off at the dong. The dong, my friends, is a perpetual slicing machine that routinely got me into trouble.

Of course, I can’t say whether these problems are the result of the game itself or the Kinect hardware, but it exists on a level much more obvious in this game than, say, Dance Central. I can see how a game like this could be fun on some kind of touchscreen system, as the popularity of the original 99-cent iOS version clearly illustrates. On the Kinect, however, it lacks the precise slicing that would be necessary to really excel at the game. Even if it were totally accurate and didn’t make me yell in frustration every time my perfectly timed side-slice to a line of fruit doesn’t even register, I would still be looking for something else to play within 20 minutes.

The coolest part of Fruit Ninja Kinect is the simple idea that “Hey, I can chop through the air and it knows where my hands are and the fruit gets cut in half, a durrr.” As technology goes, that idea is kinda cool. The Kinect has been out a while now, however, so the novelty is starting to wear off, and there’s not much else really out there yet to show off Kinect’s potential. Fruit Ninja definitely didn’t do it, and it certainly doesn’t deserve to cost 10 times more than the iOS version.

If we were ever to be invaded by fruit and the only way to save the planet was to stand in front of our TVs flailing our hands about, I can attest to the notion that the fruit would win. Not because the fruit is overly powerful, nor because my hands do not flail fast enough. No, it is because the fruit will still be flying long after I’ve grown bored of it, and I’ll be too busy thinking about the 10 bucks I just wasted to fight back. Also, porn.

Here’s The Rundown:

+ Better than Thor
+ Accurately modeled fruit guts
+ Perfect party game for gay-bashers
– Not enough substance for $10
– Inaccurate slice registration
– Oh my god, that fucking Sensei Swag shop
– Does not follow the food pyramid
– Bananas made me feel inadequate
– Not enough nudity

Fruit Ninja Kinect was developed by Halfbrick Studios, published by Microsoft, and released on August 10, 2011, for Xbox Live Arcade. Microsoft provided us a copy of the game, which was played until I unlocked a couple of achievements and decided my time was better spent watching videos of Skyrim and masturbating.

RipTen Review: Captain America: Super Soldier (Xbox 360)

Dan Landis — Wed, 20 Jul 2011 23:00:03 +0000

So Captain America arrives at my door, and I’m thinking, “Oh great, another comic-superhero-movie-themed game from Sega. This is gonna suck.” Well… red, white, and blue must be the colors of surprise.

After the explosive diarrhea that was Thor, I really didn’t have high hopes for this game, but the back of the box says in big letters, “STARRING CHRIS EVANS AS CAPTAIN AMERICA! OMG!!!” to get me super pumped. Okay, the OMG part was only implied, but according to my memory banks, it was totally there. So I turn the game on and to my utter disappointment, Captain America looks nothing like the gorgeous man-meat that is Chris Evans. I should give this game a big, fat zero just for that, but I guess it would be hard for anyone to capture the angelic perfection of that face, outside of God the Creator, so I’ll let that slide a bit. Minus one point for not being as good as the Almighty, Sega.

The game starts, rudimentary tutorial stuffs flash on my screen, and I learn the art of walking, punching, and throwing my magical shield. How does it always come back to me like that? It breaks the wooden boxes in my way but conveniently just bounces off of wooden walls. Amazing! I can’t fault Sega for that bit. No one knows what the deal is with that shield, though the way it works in this game makes me think it is actually a very deadly yo-yo. It’s just wires — illusion ruined!

There’s a punch button, a grab button, a counter button, and an acrobatics button. Of course, as Captain America, there’s also a block button and a throw shield button — pretty much everything you’d expect in a Captain America game. It’s all self-explanatory except the acrobatics button, which is used to dodge attacks, swing from poles, and loosen the g-string to allow dollar bills to be stuffed in. Jumping around poles occasionally brings about a quick-time event, when pressing A again at the correct time will cause me to swing through the pole course that much faster. There are also marked areas where I can launch The Cap’n over obstacles in a feat of superhuman strength and agility, usually in slow-motion.

So I walk around punching in Hydra faces. Hydra is who we really fought in World War II, but we blamed it on the Nazis because we wanted to forever demonize Hitler’s stupid mustache in hopes no one would ever sport one again. Mission accomplished! When I build up enough America Power, the game prompts me to perform a Crippling Strike. Okay, game… I’ll bite. So I push the required buttons and BAAMMM! Ugly Chris Evans does a slow-motion, zoomed-in uppercut to that poor motherfucker’s neck, complete with some nasty crunching sounds, and that guy is totally dead. It was probably just a clipping error, but that dude’s head is seriously bent into his chest as he’s flopping to the ground. I’ll take more of that, please!

Ugly Chris can upgrade his skills by gaining intel points. No, not experience. Ugly Chris already has plenty of experience, fool. Intel is gained the same way it is in real life, which I appreciate as a former intel guy, and that includes picking up dossiers, blueprints, film reels, ceramic eggs, and Hydra swag, as well as blowing shit up and kicking people’s brains. In true America fashion, Ugly Chris gets bonus points for smashing these guys, who already stand no chance against him, while they are poor and defenseless lying on the ground. Cue Team America music…

I also learned that America really hated computers in the 40s. After walking into a room full of electronics, Ugly Chris goes crazy and just breaks all of it. Even though it damages him, punching a computer until it explodes in his face is totally worth it for those intel points. Of course, I made him do that, but whatever. I needed my intel fix. Oddly, blowing up barrels is also worth intel. Blowing up anything that is blow-uppable is worth intel. I’m being encouraged to blow things up indiscriminately. Uh… cue Team America music again?

Turning on Tactical Vision helps if Ugly Chris gets stuck or is looking for more things to smash; it highlights things of interest like grabbable ledges, poles to swing on, or breakable walls. Ugly Chris can also go back to previous areas via a series of unlockable doors, as well as a sewer system. There aren’t really “levels” in the game, so the break up of chapters is just whenever they decided to put them in there.

The prologue and first 2 chapters of this 18-chapter game are done and over within 45 minutes. Then, after another hour, the third chapter is still going strong. What gives? I know not every chapter is going to be the same length, but this is ridiculous. I started to think I broke the game because chapter 3 just would not end. Minus another point, Sega.

During my time as Ugly Chris, I found myself leaping all over the place, swinging from poles, and throwing my shield so hard at unsuspecting snipers that they flew over buildings. I blocked everything with my shield (except for missiles and over-sized heavy guys), then countered with a roundhouse to the jaw, watched them fall to the ground in agony, then a fist to their defenseless faces finished them off for my bonus intel. Thanks, bitches.

Gameplay-wise, I actually found Ugly Chris Evans: Super Soldier to be kinda fun. Granted, it’s not really anything you haven’t seen before, but the whole game only lasts about 6 hours, so it isn’t long enough to get bored of it either. I have no idea if the game follows the movie in any way, but I’m guessing it doesn’t. The graphics are okay, and the voice acting is actually pretty good. Well it better be since OMG CHRIS EVANS IS CAPTAIN AMERICA LET’S PUT THAT ON THE BOX.

Considering how short it is, I’m not really sure this game justifies the price tag. Die-hard Captain America fans may want it for their collections, but outside of that, it’s not worth it. Rent it, wait for the price to go down, or convince one of your friends to buy it and then Crippling Strike them in the teeth and borrow it for a day.

Here’s The Rundown:

+ Amurricaaaa, fuck yeah!!!
+ Isn’t Thor
+ Combat is pretty fun
+ OMG CHRIS EVANS!!!!!11one!!
– Way too short
– Pointless chapter system
– The physics of that shield hurt my brain
– Not enough nudity

Captain America: Super Soldier was developed by Next Level Games and published by SEGA. It was released on July 19, 2011, for the Xbox 360, PlayStation 3, and Wii. This copy was provided by Dave by way of SEGA via the postal service. My mailman looks suspiciously like Chris Evans wearing black face. This game is playable in 3D, but I was too scared of that shield to try it.

RipTen Review: NASCAR 2011: The Game (Xbox 360)

Dan Landis — Tue, 21 Jun 2011 02:54:45 +0000

From the moment I saw the title of NASCAR 2011: The Game, my expectations for what I was about to play were pretty low. First of all, what kind of game has “The Game” in the title unless it was based on a movie? What other NASCAR 2011 experience should I have been expecting to find inside the green case of an Xbox 360 game? NASCAR 2011: The Broadway Musical? NASCAR 2011: The Paperback Novel? I realize that I don’t have a marketing degree and therefore have no grounds to say this with any kind of authority (besides the authority granted to me by Jesus when I beat him at poker), but any game that is “Name of Game: Subtitle” should have something interesting after that colon, not just “The Game.” That’s just lazy. “NASCAR 2011: With A Vengeance.” Infinitely better. See, how hard was that?

Before I continue, I should mention that while I enjoy a nice racing game from time to time, NASCAR in general is probably at the bottom of the list of things I would choose to spend time on, right between talking to my ex-wife and getting punched in the dick (which some would say are one in the same, hey-o!). I have been known to smash my brother into walls in Forza 2, and I have also been known to smash my dad into walls in the arcade version of Daytona USA. But wait! Daytona USA is kind of a NASCAR game, isn’t it? Well, how about you just shut your smart mouth because no one else is going to notice that, okay?

Realistic bug splatter bumps this game up one point.

With that being said, I must admit that NASCAR: The Game played surprisingly better than I expected it would… for single player, at least. If you know anything about NASCAR: The Sport, you know that a bunch of people drive around in a circle 200 times, the winner being the first one to cross the finish line. The drivers are awarded points based on how they placed, and they repeat the process 35 more times at different oval tracks around the country. The driver with the most points at the end of NASCAR: The Season becomes NASCAR: The Champion. In this respect, NASCAR: The Game does a decent job of representing NASCAR: The Sport.

One of the things I didn’t really understand about career mode, though, was the leveling system. You see, I kept earning experience points for things that I did in races, and I subsequently leveled up. I got myself more sponsorships which netted me more experience points, which subsequently helped me level up even more. The problem is that I have no idea what leveling up does for me. It doesn’t make my car better, it doesn’t allow me to hire a faster pit crew, it doesn’t make the in-game hoes any hotter or get them onto my nuts any faster. So what the hell is the point?

Why does my entire pit crew wear motorcycle helmets?

The racing itself is fine: the cars feel right, the tracks look good, the pre- and post-race cinematics are pretty cool. It’s just that everything outside of that is such a letdown. There’s not much customization (other than tuning), no real feeling of progression, just a bunch of races loosely tied together by the idea of NASCAR: The Season. It feels like an XBLA title, really.

Additionally, NASCAR: The Multiplayer Experience is a joke. Not only did I have an incredibly hard time even connecting to a match, but once I did, the game practically exploded as soon as the green flag came out. Cars disappeared or spontaneously wrecked into each other, or the entire game just completely crashed. Supposedly a patch was set to come out in May to fix these problems, but as of this writing, NASCAR: The Game is totally unplayable on Xbox Live: The Online Gaming and Digital Media Delivery Service.

I'm the guy on the left driving away from the multiplayer disaster.

Overall, I wasn’t expecting much from this game to start with, but the single-player racing actually turned out to be alright. It’s sad that the only thing better about this NASCAR game compared to all of EA’s past NASCAR games is the graphics. All of the simulation is gone, and what’s left is just good-looking, decent-playing races. If everything else was up to snuff, I’d actually recommend this game to any race fan. As it is now, I’m not sure even die-hard NASCAR: The Sport fans would be satisfied with NASCAR 2011: The Game.

Here’s The Rundown:

+ Graphics: Look Good
+ Cars: The Feeling
– Multiplayer: Broken
– Career Mode: Bare Bones
– Title: It’s Stupid
– Colon: Abused

Learn more about the RipTen scoring system and what this score means. Visit our review scoring page.

NASCAR 2011: The Game was developed by Eutechnyx and published by Activision. It released March 29, 2011 for the Xbox 360 and Playstation 3. This review copy was provided by Activision and was played for half a season. Multiplayer was attempted several times on four separate occasions, but it never worked properly. NASCAR still sucks.

RipTen Review: Thor: God of Thunder (Xbox 360)

Dan Landis — Tue, 14 Jun 2011 02:37:14 +0000

So there I was, Mjolnir in hand. I had long, flowing locks of blond hair, a sweet cape, chest armor with six nipples, and I could ride the clouds while shouting obscenities in Nordic. My muscles were a little smaller than usual, but I know not everyone can be Dan Landis. I smash apart these ice jerks with my hammer, and they explode into surprisingly bloody chunks that collected on the ground like the T-1000, slowly morphing into hot naked chicks that attached themselves to my penis as I flew back to Asgard, my day’s work complete. Wow, Thor is pretty awesome!

Of course, this was just the dream I had after playing Thor: God of Thunder for 15 minutes and getting so bored that it actually put me to sleep. No lie. Not an exaggeration. I literally passed out from boredom while playing Thor. X, X, X… snore. I think I may have pushed Y a few times too, I can’t really remember. In between bouts of boredom, Thor is also dull and irritating.

The story is sort of a prequel to the movie. Thor is tricked into believing one of his buddies is killed, so he gets all pissed off and goes on a rampage. If you know anything about Thor, you probably already guessed that Loki is behind this whole plot. How can Thor really be stupid enough to be repeatedly tricked by Loki? Seriously, Thor, quit being such a retard. Pick up one of the 600 or so Thor comics and try to learn something. The story doesn’t really matter, though, because the gameplay is so terrible that you wouldn’t suffer through it long enough to see where the narrative goes anyway.

Even with six nipples, Thor still can't manage to turn me on.

My biggest problem is the lag between when I push the button and when Thor decides there’s enough of a impulse to make him swing that hammer. Then when he does actually move his stupid little arm, he swings wildly and misses the bad guy I was trying to clobber. This ultimately led me to just repeatedly hit the X button and hope that Thor will eventually get around to destroying my enemies. Attacking in this game is like cleaning your floors with a Roomba, except the Roomba has better hit detection.

This actually reminds me of the games I played as a kid. I would be pretend fighting with my friends, or we would be pretend shooting at each other, and then someone would yell “Hey, I totally got you!” And of course my response at the time was “Bullshit, you missed!” It doesn’t matter if it looked like I was gonna get hit or not; I didn’t really feel like getting hit, so I just decided I wasn’t going to get hit. Simple logic for a kid. Well, the enemies in Thor have that same logic. You could swing Mjolnir right square through the middle of their stupid faces and still not hit them, or you could manage to hit a guy behind you that you weren’t swinging at (usually not), or you could fall over from an enemy’s attack that happened 4 seconds ago on the other side of the room. If I cared at all about helping Thor succeed in his totally unnecessary mission, I might be upset when the enemies make him all dead and stuff.

To make matters worse, Thor can’t even fly! Seriously, what the hell, Liquid? He flies in cutscenes, he flies in the movie the game is based off of, but the player cannot will Thor into the air. Well, he does sometimes fall down in the air when he dies, but that’s just a glitch. This is like a Superman game where you can’t fly or a flight simulator where you can’t fly. Odin has some pretty huge balls, but even they are not as big as the one that Liquid dropped here.

I've hit you countless times yet you refuse to play dead! Stop your maniacal laughing!

The character and creature designs are actually pretty decent, but the graphics are bad enough that it doesn’t matter. It’s almost as if the entire screen were smeared with grease to add that extra sheen of blurriness that we all love. Adding to that the stuttering frame rate and the camera that just never seems to do what I want, there is visually nothing about Thor that doesn’t make me want to actually pay attention to my girlfriend instead.

After my brief-but-still-way-too-long experience with Thor: God of Thunder, I took a stroll down to my local Best Buy and asked how much I could get for a trade-in. “Twenty bucks,” they say. Well, that’s a sweet deal, so I hand the guy the game. “No, no,” he says. “You pay us $20 to take that piece of shit off your hands for you.” Well, in that case I’ll show this game how it’s done and just smash it to pieces with my hammer. Hey look, real life hit detection is pretty good!

God damn yourself, Thor.

Here’s The Rundown:

+ My Xbox 360 has an eject button
+ Smashed disc looks pretty
+ My hammer skill leveled up
- The visuals
– The controls
– The voice acting
– The story
– The time from my lifespan that I’ll never get back
– Forced me to have conversations with womenfolk

Learn more about the RipTen scoring system and what this score means. Visit our review scoring page.

Thor: God of Thunder was developed by Liquid Entertainment and published by Sega. It was released on May 3, 2011, for the Xbox 360, PS3, Wii, PC, DS, 3DS, and PSP. This copy was provided to me by Dave, but I don’t know where he got it. Probably spawned on his doorstep from the most boring part of hell. I played this game on the Xbox 360 until just prior to becoming a narcoleptic, which in this case was about 5 levels. This game is presented in 3D, but I didn’t see a point in that feature unless it projected a comfy pillow.

Warfare Wallpaper Contest Voting Now Open

Dan Landis — Wed, 13 Jan 2010 17:02:04 +0000

We’ve finally decided on the ten best wallpapers submitted for the Ripten and Echo1 contest, and now it’s up to you loyal readers (and all you disloyal bastards as well, not that we blame you) to crown the kings and queens of wallpaper making. Or to put it another way, which of the creators do you think most needs a realistic-looking airsoft machine gun that may or may not get them arrested?

Head over to the contest page to check out the ten best wallpapers (according to we, the dictators) and cast your vote for your favorite. The top three wallpaperers will receive an MS-2 airsoft rifle, fully equipped with battery-powered automatic BB-spewing action and kung fu grip. Voting closes in 12 seconds, so you better go do it now.

Good luck to all, and to anyone who submitted a wallpaper and feels slighted for not being in the top ten, blame the Echo1 guys and not us. Hugs and kisses, Seacrest out.

Review: Able Planet PS500MM Headset

Dan Landis — Sat, 31 Oct 2009 19:15:14 +0000

Able Planet’s original intentions were to help those with hearing loss, but they have now decided to enter the mainstream headset world with their sound-enhancing technology. Thus was born the PS500MM headset, designed with PC gaming in mind. The question now is: Is it worth the price?

I replaced my Logitech headset with the Able Planet headset for a good month’s worth of daily use. I have to admit that the sound quality was noticeably crisper, and I could clearly hear some sound effects that I’ve never noticed before on a headset or through speakers. All this also occurred at a much lower volume than I used to listen at — I didn’t feel like I had to turn it up to be able to hear. It’s a strange experience that is hard to describe, really.

Unfortunately, the earphones are just the perfect size that when they sit on my skull, they actually push my ears into my glasses and thus my glasses into my head. I thought this was something I just had to adjust to, but it never got comfortable for me. Wearing the headset for an hour, my ears would still slightly bother me 15 minutes after taking it off.

The voice quality was also not as clear as my Logitech headset. Anyone that uses Avast Antivirus should know how the voice sounds when your virus database gets updated, and that same kind of nasaly robotic tone was applied to my voice over Skype and Ventrilo. Even after a month, my friends could never get past it, and I found that I was always being laughed at regardless of what I was actually saying.

Overall, the listening was great, but the voice was not, and I personally found them quite uncomfortable — other people might not. Using the PS500MM headset to watch movies or listen to music might be fine, but for long-term PC gaming sessions, I wouldn’t recommend it. At a $70 price point, you could do much better (like the Logitech headset I’ve been using for the past 2 years). If you are a gamer with any hearing loss, however, the Able Planet line of headsets is something you might want to look into.

Review: Need for Speed Shift

Dan Landis — Fri, 30 Oct 2009 17:55:08 +0000

Need for Speed: Shift is somewhat of a return to form for the NFS series. Unlike the last few games that had you open-world cruising the city while running from cops in your nitrous-infused, mostly illegal street racer, Shift is all about real racing on actual tracks and stuff. You know, the kind of racing that doesn’t involve any slutty girlfriends.

The racing itself is fantastic, and it’s not brought down by the stupid storylines of the last few titles (though I do miss some of the eye candy). The career is pretty straightforward — you race, you win points, you move up to the next tier, repeat. It’s not as good as the career mode in Forza, but it gets the job done.

Speaking of Forza, Shift reminds me a lot of that series. The driving mechanics are much more on the simulation side than previous Need for Speeds, but there’s just enough of an arcade feel to prevent you from throwing controllers the way I always used to when I played Gran Turismo and spun out all the time. You will also find the racing line indicator with green-to-red colored arrows telling you to speed up or slow down, a feature that seems to be making its way into a lot of racing games these days.

Whether playing through career mode or online, you’ll be earning performance points for your profile. Though similar to Kudos in the Project Gotham games, this actually reminded me more of the system found in Rainbow Six Vegas. Pretty much everything you do earns you some kind of points: bump a car or pass it cleanly, stick to the racing line, drift, etc. Even if you don’t win the race, you generally earn yourself plenty of points and rise through the ranks anyway.

As you level up, you’ll unlock higher racing tiers, more cars (sometimes you even get some free ones), upgrade parts — you get the idea. The points system is completely separate from the cash you earn to buy the things you unlock, but I never really found myself needing much more cash than what I had. If you’re the type of person that wants to see and do it all before moving on, you’ll either waste a lot of time upgrading cars instead of just buying a better one, or you’ll have more money than you need when you move to the next tier if you just purchase the best car to start with.

All of that doesn’t really matter, though, because the real star of the game is the driving experience itself. The engines scream in your ears and the cockpit view will have your vision shaking and blurring. Even though a game like Burnout will have you squeezing your controller because of the speed, never before have I really respected the speed the way Shift forces me to. I actually felt somewhat fearful of the raw power of the top-tier cars, simply because I knew that I could be thrown into a wall at any time if I wasn’t gentle with the gas pedal. If you saw the commercial on television and thought “There’s no effing way that’s actual gameplay footage,” well, believe it.

Any racing or driving fan should check out Need for Speed: Shift simply to experience what it would feel like to be behind the wheel of a 600-horsepower beast. There are plenty of games that do plenty of other things better, but the driving experience itself is the best I’ve ever played… except for the drift events. You might want to just skip those (you’ll earn enough points elsewhere that you really can just skip them if you don’t like them).

My only other gripe is that the car selection is fairly small compared to the other big-name racers out there. While it might be par for a Need for Speed game, there are only about 60 different cars in Shift. There is also a clearly dominant car in each tier, and with the amount of money you’ll be making, there really is no reason not to just buy it as soon as you unlock that tier (which I mentioned earlier).

All things considered, Shift doesn’t quite have the lasting appeal of some other racers, but in this instant gratification world we live in today, some players might prefer Shift’s low time investment to the grind of Gran Turismo. Regardless, Need for Speed: Shift contains an experience behind the virtual wheel that no gamer should miss.

Warfare Wallpaper Contest 2009

Dan Landis — Thu, 01 Oct 2009 06:03:30 +0000

With Modern Warfare 2 coming out in a month, we here at Ripten thought it might be just a tiny bit cooler to run around with an actual gun in real life instead of just in a game. I mean, right? That would be cooler, right? Okay, well we can’t actually do that for several reasons, not the least of which is that we just don’t trust ourselves not to shoot people in the face. That’s what gamers do, right?

Echo1 has us covered with the next best thing: an airsoft rifle. If you don’t know what that means, it’s essentially a BB gun that shoots “harmless” plastic pellets. This one we have here should look familiar to you if you’ve played pretty much any shooter in the last 15 years, and it’s full scale and made of metal. How about you peoples show us some lovin’ and maybe you can get yourself one of these bad boys for FREE!

All you have to do is send your best warfare-themed artwork to warfarecontest@echo1usa.com and you’ll get a chance to win one of three Echo1 MS-2s (full-metal automatic electric guns). Visit the echo1 contest page to find out more info, check out the Echo1 catalog, or download the rules and details (also listed below).

The Ripten.com & Echo1USA Warfare Wallpaper Contest 2009

Official Rules, Terms, & Conditions

NO PURCHASE NECESSARY

ELIGIBILITY:

Employees of Ripten.com and Echo1USA, their affiliates, subsidiaries, advertising, promotion and internet agencies and their immediate family members and/or those living in the same household of each are not eligible. All federal, state and local laws and regulations apply. Void where prohibited by law. Eligibility is expressly conditioned on the acceptance of the Official Rules at time of submission.

HERE’S HOW IT WORKS:

Create an original work (image or design) showcasing your creative talents. NOTE: Works must NOT contain or depict anything in a manner that is inappropriate as outlined in the Entry Requirements (Below). At the conclusion of the entry period, judges will determine 3 separate winners who will be notified and awarded one prize package each.

HERE’S HOW TO ENTER:

Step #1: Beginning 12:00 AM PST on October 1^st, 2009, visit Ripten.com to read the complete rules as well a description of the contest theme.

Step #2: Email your entry as an attachment or link to:

warfarecontest@echo1usa.com

Please keep submissions in jpg, bmp, gif, or png format.
YOU MUST READ AND AGREE TO THE RULES STIPULATED.

ENTRY REQUIREMENTS:

ALL ENTRIES MUST BE YOUR OWN ORIGINAL UNPUBLISHED WORK AND CANNOT CONTAIN, INCORPORATE OR REFERENCE ANYTHING THAT IS OWNED BY ANY THIRD PARTY OR ENTITY OR WOULD REQUIRE THE CONSENT OF ANY THIRD PARTY OR ENTITY IN ANY JURISDICTION.

Submissions must not contain defamatory words/statements (including words or symbols that are widely considered offensive to individuals of any race, ethnicity, religion, sexual orientation, or socioeconomic group); they must not include threats to any person, place, business, or group; they must not disparage persons or organizations associated with the Sponsor; they must not invade privacy or other rights of any person, firm, entity, and they must not in any other way contain material that is unlawful, in violation of or contrary to all applicable federal, state, or local laws and regulations the laws or regulations in any state where video is created. Except as specifically noted herein, the submission cannot contain any unacceptable clothing or adornments, or display any commercial/corporate advertising (including but not limited to corporate logos, brand names, trademarks, slogans, political, personal and religious statements) as determined by Sponsor, in its sole discretion. Submissions must not contain material that promotes bigotry, racism, hatred or harm against any group or individual or promotes discrimination based on race, sex, religion, nationality, disability, sexual orientation or age. Submissions may not contain material that is inappropriate, indecent (including but not limited to nudity or pornography), profane, obscene, hateful, tortuous, slanderous or libelous and may not in any way reference persons or organizations without their written permission. The submission must not contain material that violates or infringes another’s rights, including but not limited to privacy, publicity or intellectual property rights, or that constitutes copyright infringement. Sponsor/judges reserve the right in their sole discretion to disqualify any entry that, in their sole opinion, refers, depicts or in any way reflects negatively upon the Sponsor, the Contest or any other person or entity, or does not comply with these requirements or these Official Rules. Submissions must be suitable for presentation in a public forum, in sole determination of judges and/or Sponsor.

If the submission contains any person(s) other than the entrant, by entering this contest, entrant must receive prior written permission from other person(s) featured in the work (or from parent/legal guardian if other person(s) featured are considered minors in their state of residence) for Sponsor to use their likenesses for publicity including posting on website(s) and can make written copies of such permissions available to the Sponsor upon request. In addition, entrant must also receive prior written permission from the photographer of their image if the entry was photographed by someone other than the entrant himself.

Entries should not include any personally identifiable information (i.e. last name, address, place of work etc.) of yourself or any other person(s) appearing in the entry.

The work cannot have been submitted previously in a contest of any kind.

By submitting entry,

entrant certifies that the entry he submitted is his own original work and he holds all rights to the submission, that the submission has not been previously published, has not won a previous prize or award and that he has followed the Official Rules of the Contest,
if entrant is a minor, entrant certifies he has received parental permission to enter this contest and
entrant hereby grants Sponsor the right to post submission online for public viewing.

Entries must be received by 11:59 PM PST on November 1^st 2009

JUDGING TO DETERMINE THE WINNERS: All eligible entries received will be judged by a panel of Sponsor representatives to determine 3 winners.

PRIZES: Winners will receive an Echo1USA Master Series 2 automatic electric gun.

GENERAL RULES: Potential Winners (or parent/legal guardian if potential Winner is deemed a minor in his state of residence) will be required to complete an Affidavit certifying that the entry submitted is his own original work and he holds all rights to the work and all elements therein, that the work has not been previously published, has not won a previous prize or award and that he has followed the Official Rules of the Contest. Additionally, potential Winner (or parent/legal guardian if potential Winner is deemed a minor) will be required to complete and return an Affidavit of Eligibility, Release of Liability, Prize Acceptance Form and, if legally permissible, a Publicity Release. If entry depicts persons other than the entrant and/or if the image was photographed by someone other than the entrant, the entrant must also submit a completed and signed Publicity Release Permission Form for each additional person depicted in the entrant’s submission and/or photographer. All documents must be completed and returned within (5) days of attempted delivery of same. Noncompliance within this time period or return of any prize/prize notification as undeliverable may result in disqualification and an alternate Winner may be selected, time permitting. Winners will be notified by mail/phone/email. No substitution or transfer of prize by winner permitted. Sponsor reserves the right to substitute prize of equal or greater value. All applicable taxes are the sole responsibility of winner. By accepting prize, winner (or parent/legal guardian if winner is a minor) agree to release and hold Sponsor, its respective directors, officers, employees and assigns, harmless from and against any and all claims and liability arising out of use of prize in connection therewith. Winner (or parent/legal guardian if winner is a minor) assume all liability for any injury or damage caused, or claimed to be caused, by participation in this promotion or use or redemption of any prize. Acceptance of prize constitutes permission for the Sponsor and its agencies to use winner’s name and/or likeness for purposes of advertising and trade without further compensation, unless prohibited by law. Entrants (or parent/legal guardian if entrant is a minor) agree to release, discharge and hold harmless Sponsor, its respective directors, officers, employees and assigns, harmless from and against any and all liability and damages. By participating in this promotion, entrants (or parent/legal guardian if entrant is a minor) agree to be bound by the Official Rules and the judges’ decisions which are final. In the event there is a discrepancy or inconsistency between disclosures or other statements contained in any contest materials and the terms and conditions of the Official Rules, the Official Rules shall prevail, govern and control. All material submitted becomes the sole property of Sponsor and will not be returned. Sponsor/judges reserve the right to reproduce the submissions in full or edit and enhance the submissions at its discretion. Sponsor is authorized to use submissions as it sees fit, including usage in advertising and online without compensation. Sponsor not responsible for any typographical or other error in the printing of the offer, administration of the contest or in the announcement of the prize. In no event will more than the stated number of prizes be awarded. NOTICE TO ONLINE ENTRANTS: ANY ATTEMPT BY AN INDIVIDUAL TO DELIBERATELY DAMAGE ANY WEB SITE OR UNDERMINE THE LEGITIMATE OPERATION OF THIS PROMOTION IS A VIOLATION OF CRIMINAL AND CIVIL LAWS, AND SHOULD SUCH AN ATTEMPT BE MADE, SPONSOR RESERVES THE RIGHT TO SEEK DAMAGES FROM ANY SUCH INDIVIDUAL TO THE FULLEST EXTENT PERMITTED BY LAW. Not responsible for faulty, incorrect or mistranscribed phone/e-mail transmissions, incorrect announcements of any kind, technical hardware or software failures of any kind including any injury or damage to any person’s computer related to or resulting from participating in or experiencing any materials in connection with the promotion, lost or unavailable network connections, or failed, incomplete, garbled or delayed computer transmission that may limit a user’s ability to participate in the promotion. Sponsor assumes no responsibility for undeliverable e-mails resulting from any form of active or passive e-mail filtering by a user’s Internet service provider and/or e-mail client or for insufficient space in user’s e-mail account to receive e-mail. Sponsor reserves the right to cancel or modify the promotion if fraud, misconduct or technical failures destroy the integrity of the program; or if a computer virus, bug, or other technical problem corrupts the administration or security of the program as determined by Sponsor/judging agency/administrator, in their sole discretion. If technical malfunctions or suspect voting/irregularities corrupt the voting process, Sponsor reserves the right, in its sole discretion, to award prizes based solely on the Winners Judging scores or non-suspect votes. In the event of termination, a notice will be posted online and all eligible entries received prior to termination will be judged, per these official rules. In the event a dispute arises regarding specific individual entitled to receive prize, entry made by Internet will be declared made by the “authorized e-mail account holder.” “Authorized e-mail account holder” is defined as the natural person who is assigned to an e-mail address by an Internet access provider, online service provider or other organization (e.g., business, educational institution etc.) that is responsible for assigning e-mail addresses for the domain associated with the submitted e-mail address. Participant may be requested to provide Sponsor with proof that the participant is the authorized e-mail account holder of the e-mail address associated with the account/submission. Any damage made to the Web Site will be the responsibility of the authorized e-mail account holder of the e-mail address submitted at the time of entry. Proof of submitting entries/votes will not be deemed to be proof of receipt by Sponsor/YouTube. Any use of robotic, automatic, programmed or the like methods of participation/voting will void all such submissions/votes by such methods. Sponsor reserves the right to freeze or close an account or to prohibit the participation/voting of an individual/account holder if fraud or tampering is suspected or if the account holder fails to comply with any requirement of participation as stated herein or with any provision in these Official Rules.

WINNERS: For the names of the winners, available beginning on/about November 10^th, 2009 through December 31^st, 2009, visit http://www.ripten.com

SPONSOR(S):

Ripten.com, 18 Perry Street Apt #2 Danvers, MA 01923

Echo1USA, PMB811 745 E. Valley Blvd. San Gabriel, CA 91766

DISPUTE:

All disputes will be undertaken by law under the State of California.

Get yourself a Brutal Legend demo code right friggin’ now!

Dan Landis — Thu, 17 Sep 2009 04:37:23 +0000

In case you didn’t know, Rocktober is coming up soon. If nothing else, that means that you should be playing Brutal Legend in the very near future. Actually, you could play it tomorrow if you happen to win one of our 4 demo codes (and you have an Xbox 360 and Xbox Live, that is). All you have to do is register with a valid email address and leave a comment below (bonus points for making us laugh), or just email us some pictures of your girlfriend with awesome 80′s hair (editors@ripten.com). Either way, we’re getting your email address and we will totally spam you.

You can also pre-order now at Gamestop for early access. The demo will be available with all pre-orders, and the codes will be handed out on 9/17. The demo will also be free to download for all Xbox Live Gold Members on 9/24 and Xbox Live Silver and PSN members on 10/1/09.

***UPDATE: Winners have been notified, and all codes have been sent out. If you didn’t win, that’s because Jack Black doesn’t like you, and therefore we don’t like you either. Sorry.

Anyone want to play Need For Speed Shift tomorrow?

Dan Landis — Wed, 09 Sep 2009 22:43:35 +0000

If you’re at all interested in attending a Need For Speed press event in Chicago tomorrow, let us know! Email editors@ripten.com, tell us why we should pick you, and we’ll chose 4 lucky readers to go (though you have to get to Chicago on your own). Good luck!

HD Oh My! Volo Pro Gaming Cables Contest

Dan Landis — Tue, 08 Sep 2009 20:18:22 +0000

I recently got a chance to test out the Volo Pro V Gamer 100 and 200 series HDMI cables, and at first I didn’t know what the difference was. After inquiring, I was told the 200 is a thicker gauge of cable and has a metal housing at the end, therefore offering more protection. To test this, I threw both cables down the stairs and then ran both of them over with my minivan, and they both still worked fine afterwards (though the paint job on the metal housing looked worse than the slightly scratched plastic on the Pro V 100).

I didn’t see much of a difference in picture quality between the two, before or after their “accidents”. They both look better than the generic HDMI cable I had previously, though not significantly, and HDMI cables in general look better than component (and everything else). Overall, I was impressed with the 10-foot-long Volo cables and kept them hooked up to my 360.

Now if you have a PS3 or an Xbox 360 and you aren’t using HDMI cables, you aren’t getting the most out of your gaming system. HDMI is, after all, the cable of choice for Jesus himself. Don’t worry, though — Ripten has got you covered! We’ve teamed up with TRU Company to send out 25 of their Pro V Gamer cables specifically designed for gaming consoles. All you have to do to enter the contest is send me an email (dlandis@ripten.com) with your name and mailing address, subject line “HD Oh My!”. Winners will be chosen at random, but some hot pictures of your girlfriend certainly won’t hurt your chances.

You have from now until the 25th of September to get your entries in. We’ll pick the winners over the weekend and announce them on Monday, September 28th. Good luck to all!

Xbox 360 Review: King of Fighters XII

Dan Landis — Tue, 25 Aug 2009 21:06:36 +0000

My brother and I frequently talk about the good ol’ days of gaming — 2-D, side-scrolling, sprites, fun, etc. — and we wonder why these ideas aren’t reimplemented with today’s technology. Then Shadow Complex was announced and we were angry that we weren’t being paid. That was our idea!

Anyhow, King of Fighters XII is somewhat of a throwback to the fighting games of yesteryear. Completely 2-D with hand-drawn sprites and crappy music. What’s not to love? Read on and find out!

When I first loaded up the game, I instantly felt like I was transported back to 1994. Well, that was after the 17 unskippable logo screens that I was assaulted with. Look, I understand peeps wanting recognition, but that was like 30 seconds of ridiculousness… but let’s not get sidetracked here. The menu text and accompanying sounds and music were total cheese. I really didn’t know if it was intentional cheese or if I should be worried where this was heading, but I ventured forth unhindered.

I started with the Practice mode since I know I needed practice. I hadn’t played a King of Fighters game in… well, I’m not even sure how long. The one thing I found curious about Practice mode is that you can’t bring up the command list to see your chosen fighter’s moves. The one mode where you’d think it would make the most sense to be able to see and practice the moves would be in Practice mode, wouldn’t it? After that realization, I chalked practice mode up to being relatively worthless and just started up a normal game.

Arcade mode is essentially a time trial of five matches, and each match consists of a 3-on-3 battle. There is no hot-swapping of characters during the match — you simply fight 1-on-1 until time runs out or someone gets knocked out. Health carries over into the next round, and you just fight until one team loses all three of their fighters. Pretty straightforward, really.

And that’s it. There is a Versus mode and an Online mode, and really that’s it. There are no extras or quirky alternate modes. There is no story to the game. Even though fighting game stories were always pretty lame, the fact that there really isn’t anything going on here other than a time trial is even more lame. Basically, the only point to this game is to fight other players; the single-player mode simply acts as practice.

Considering the huge cast of characters from the King of Fighters series, it’s odd that XII only has 22 on the roster. That may seem like a lot, but when you consider that the last game had at least 40 (the PS2 version had some extras), 22 seems pretty light. I’m thinking in this day and age that there may be more in the future by way of downloadable content, but that doesn’t excuse the relatively meager original package.

On top of that, a lot of the characters represented actually have fewer special moves than they used to, and all of the enhancements from XI are gone (Shifts, Dream Cancels, etc.). That just doesn’t really seem like a progression to me. Also, some of the characters have only one super special while others have three. It just seems somewhat imbalanced, and it was occasionally frustrating to feel so limited in what I think I should be able to do with my fighter.

There’s literally only a handful of stages to fight on, and the music was so 15 years ago that I actually felt like I was regressing while I was listening to it. The Engrish announcer didn’t help things either. Despite the beautiful sprites (especially with the soft focus turned on), I felt like I was playing a Super Nintendo game. Again, I don’t know if this was a throwback gone too far, an attempt to reinvent the franchise and return to a simpler time the way Street Fighter IV did, or if was just a poorly designed game when faced with modern sensibilities.

Overall, the fighting was pretty solid, and the online matches aren’t nearly as laggy as they were at launch. Considering that’s the whole point of the game, the package would be relatively worthless if it hadn’t been fixed. Still, KoF XII leaves a lot to be desired in a full retail game — people deserve a lot more for $60. Despite the decent brawling experience, I just can’t recommend this to anyone at that price point. To be honest, I think King of Fighters XII would be better suited for Xbox Live Arcade, or at most offered as a budget title. It’s not a bad game, there’s just not enough of it.

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