I figured with the recent string of great RPGs being released over the last few months, it was time for me to bring you all back down to earth and give you a reminder that it isn’t always sugar and honey. Kingdoms of Amalur may be the first RPG from Curt Schilling, but Hydlide was one of the first RPGs to ever be released on the consoles in Japan way back in 1984. It originally came out on the NEC PC-6000 and later on the PC-88 before eventually meandering its way over to America on the Nintendo Entertainment System in 1989.

The biggest problem with Hydlide, other than all of its huge glaring flaws I mean, is that when it was finally released in America it was already incredibly dated. Even if it was’t lacking of any real value, America had already suckled at the Legend of Zelda’s supple teats. After seeing what the genre done right was like, there was no chance America would be accepting of the genre done horribly wrong. USA! USA!

Hydlide is a story of a dragon named something who kidnaps a princess named somebody in order to something. Of course, by kidnap I mean he breathes fire at her and turns her into a couple fairies.

Yeah, I don’t really know how that works either. While Hydlide is pretty notorious over here for being the one of the worst things to ever happen to humanity ever, it should also be pointed out that this garnered a huge following in Japan. Sequels were even made on the MSX, Genesis, and Saturn. None of them were very good either. Go figure.

Represented here are the lion’s share of sprites present in this game. That is pretty much all you get to look at for the whole thing. It was aesthetically dated for 1989 on the NES, which is sort of a feat in itself.

Joss Whedon’s “Buffy the Vampire Hold B and Ram Yourself Into Enemies Uselessly Until Hopefully They Die. ”

Anybody want an overused Anchorman reference in lieu of anything unique or funny to say? I could type one here if you wanted. No? Alright. Good choice.

Honestly though, as bad as this is, it still isn’t as awful as having to watch Diary of the Dead.

Sir Jim- High Time’s Stupid Useless Knight of the Year.

He who controls the spice, controls the universe!!!

It was nice of Sharon Carter to help Sir Jim out on his inept journey.

You know how everybody points out that there was no way you would have ever figured out on your own to burn that ONE bush in that ONE spot in Legend of Zelda without outside help? Every single thing you have to do in Hydlide is like that. Every. Single. Thing. Compound that with the least intuitive controls and password system to ever be crapped into gray plastic and you have a perfect recipe for frustration pie.

When you destroy this gravestone, it makes it so you can kill the dragon outside of the castle. A completely logical connection that everybody would easily make without dying a dozen times before accidentally finding it out.

The most climatic battle since the Battle of the Ice! Watch out Hermann of Dorpat! Sir JIM is out for blood.

The oppressive heat of his armor and the pain of his own wounds drove Sir Jim to one knee. “My princess,” he forces out, “I have come to save you.”

“Delightful,” exclaims the three fairies, who are actually the Princess for some odd reason, in unison. “For your bravery in rescuing us, we will reward you with the highest honor- by letting you watch a lesbian fairy orgy.”

Sir Jim looked on with his mouth agape, it was a few minutes before he figured out the way to word his next statement, “Logistically speaking, does that count as incest for you, or masturbation?”

What does one say about Hydlide that hasn’t already been said? From its barely working combat system, to its copyright infringing Indiana Jones overworld theme, to its ugly-even-in-1984 graphics, Hydlide rightfully deserves its place in bad gaming history. I really don’t get how this was so well received in Japan. I understand that it was one of the first actual console RPGs over there, but even when giving it the benefit of the doubt for being groundbreaking in a very loose way it still isn’t good. I don’t care if it came out first, the only way Hydlide could be considered groundbreaking is because you would need a bunch of shovels to bury every copy of the game in the desert.

1 (RIP) to 4 are varying degrees of a bad game. A 1 (RIP) being a game you would actually pay money to not play, and a 4 is something that just barely fails to be mediocre.

Hydlide was developed and published by T&E Soft Corporation, who pretty much only makes golf games now for the record- just saying, for a whole bunch of system before it came to the NES in 1989. This copy was provided to us by yard sales everywhere.

Do you have a game you’d like to see featured in this stupid idea creative and original work of game journalism art? Have you played Hydlide and want to drop your two cents in? Did you actually like this game and want to yell at me because you are clearly insane? If so, let me or RipTen know on Twitter, or in the comments on this very site!

Next Time on the Retrograde: B.O.B.

• Left 4 Dead NES Remake Strangely Resembles Aussie Censored Next Gen Sequel
• RipTen Retrograde: Fallout 2
• Geeked Out: World’s Largest NES Controller Brings New Meaning To Co-op
• Stuff That Never Gets Old: Bible Games
• Ninja Gaiden Fan Film Brings the Original NES Classic to Life
• Five O’Clock Fan Art: NEStalgia

Games can be funny. More often than not, it’s a glitch or quirk of the game can create hilarious results, or just the nature of the game (see: Just Cause 2). What I thought needed a salute, however, was the scripted humour in video games providing mirthful moments. Adventure games from the 1990s were a goldmine, but I’ve tried not to include them too much here- otherwise it would just be a list of the best jokes Tim Schafer wrote. Here you’ll find an eclectic mix of genres, all with one thing in common: they made me laugh out loud. I’m not saying these are the best, as humour is so subjective, but they’re some of my favourites. If you’ve got better ones, leave a comment.

1. [Subject name here]

This was the first time I properly laughed out loud listening to GLaDOS in Portal. Most of her lines are amusing in an ‘oh-that-was-clever’ way, but for some reason this one really took me by surprise. I still think it’s funnier than most of the iconic stuff about the companion cube, though I can see why those were picked up on by the Internet. In fact, I think this might be the best joke in the whole of Portal canon, simply because it was the only one I could think of word-for-word when making this list.

2. Er… I’m over this way.

I select this particular joke not because it’s the funniest joke in The Secret of Monkey Island, but more because it sets the scene for a superbly-written comedy game. I also happen to think it’s a great example of a joke which is enhanced by being a gamer. We become used to sprites looking weird and not lining up with what they are supposed to be doing, so when it’s pointed out like that, it just makes it even funnier.

3. You can see how good my painting’s getting.

This one’s all the better for the fact that there just aren’t that many jokes in The Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion. The element of surprise just makes it all the better when you see Modryn Oreyn’s attempt at fine art. There are a few jokes to be found in Oblivion, but for me, this one is the best. Unfortunately, I’ve kind of ruined it by featuring it here. Sorry about that.

4. Relax

No video for this one, but as it’s a simple dialogue joke I’ll just quote it instead. This one’s part of a huge line of jokes which hit you one-by-one in the Sam and Max games developed by Telltale, but it’s a personal favourite of mine. As with Portal, it was one of the first jokes that really made me laugh out loud while I was playing- so much so that I remembered it more clearly than any other jokes in the games.

Sam: (looking at Sybil’s “Relax” sign) That’s got to be the least relaxing sign I ever seen.
Max: What about the on at the barbershop that says, “Low Fatality Rate”?
Sam: I stand corrected.

5. Exploder

It would be hard to make a list of the best jokes without including something from Grand Theft Auto: Vice City. The old GTA games were full of parodies and jokes, and my favourite comes in the form of a fake advert on the in-game radio station, V-Rock. I would say the whole ad is hilarious, but if you forced me to pick a specific joke, it would have to be “But I’m not married! You are now- to America!”

6. Ahem. Yeah, I’m aware of that.

This joke is great for its sheer simplicity. The animation on the kick in the plums is quite funny in itself, but when Cortez from TimeSplitters Future Perfect replies to the girl in the high voice it makes me laugh every time. This is another joke that stands out in my memory as something I really chuckled away at when I first played it. Great game, by the way, and it has a good sense of humour throughout.

7. Bowser bares all

Paper Mario is littered with references and jokes, and some of the best come in the form of giving personalities to the famous characters. In this aside from the action of the game, Peach discovers Bowser’s diary, where he is seen writing, “Ohh, I’m Mario, I’m so big and strong and good and helpful…”

8. Try to remember the mission, if you can.

There are lots of silly conversations to be had in Metal Gear Solid 2, but this is my pick of the lot. It’s partly a reference to the first game, but partly just Otacon telling Snake off for being a pervert. Great attention to detail in this game, and it’s rewarding to see what kind of reactions you get- especially if you get a gem like this.

9. Sarcastic general

This is probably stretching the definition of a joke, but since it was scripted and makes me laugh, I’m going to include it anyway. The FMV cutscenes in Red Alert 3 are all rather funny in a campy parody sort of way- and made even better by the inclusion of Tim Curry and George Takei. This clip in particular made me laugh most, just because I love this idea of a military general being so sarcastic about war.

10. Super Mean Boy

To finish, a joke from Super Meat Boy without any dialogue at all- and it’s all the better for it. There are actually two jokes here, and I’m not sure which I like better. The ‘kick’ part has the surprise element, but the pillow bit is much more subtle and dark. Whichever one you prefer, it’s a funny sequence.

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So the last time I did one of these for RipTen was over a year and a half ago. I started doing them for my own personal gain on my Tumblr, but now that I’ve become too cool for Tumblr and just use it to post screenshots from anime, I figured it was about time to bring it back to you fine readers. Due to the large amount of time between entries, you might need a bit of a refresher on the concept. Luckily, I’ve come prepared-

I guess I should explain what this is.

This isn’t really a traditional review of a game, not that I’m particularly known for my traditional reviews or anything. Sure, there is a score at the end, but that is just because most people need to grind up quantified scores and inject them into the webbing of their toes or else they get the cold sweats. I don’t like when people detox during my articles- it lowers my hit counts. This “Retrograde” experiment isn’t so much a review as it is a stream of consciousness commentary on interesting screenshots from gaming’s past. Sometimes there will be anecdotes or personal stories, other times I will actually discuss the game, and at still other times I’ll probably just make borderline offensive jokes, beat a running gag into the ground, or spoil the ending for you.  Think Mystery Science Theater 3000 meets me looking for an excuse to dick around playing awesome retro video games instead of doing real work. Or a tongue-in-cheek “Let’s Play” that I’m too lazy to record. This might seem familiar to the three and a third of you who have followed my writing elsewhere, and it generally seems to entertain one of you, so what the hell- let’s slap a fresh coat of paint on this lemon and call it a Chryslus .

Last time on the Retrograde, which I think is what we are officially calling this… thing, I covered Fallout. Logically, that means I should play through the sequel- which, as you may have guessed, is called Fallout 2. How is that for continuity?

Fallout 2 is actually a great example of there being not only a divide between a game’s fanbase, but a dissonance between how critics analyze games and how gamers analyze games. Nobody would ever say it is a bad game obviously, but whether or not it is better than the original, and therefor the best game in the franchise, is often a pretty heated debate.

As with the entire Fallout universe, the plot and story of Fallout 2 are incredibly strong. You are the Chosen One, the descendent of the Vault Dweller from the original Fallout. Apparently they weren’t really big on first names in the wasteland. This time around, you need to find Vault 13 and get its Garden of Eden Creation Kit in order to save your village from a deadly drought. Problems with water seem to follow that family wherever they go.

If I had a nickle for every time somebody said that to me.

Not much has changed aesthetically from the first Fallout. The graphics are almost exactly the same, and while most of the gameplay is similar at its core, it has been made more complex and diverse. More weapons, better options for building a character, and more detailed quests give Fallout 2 even more replayability and entertainment than the first one. Which is why this Retrograde is about seven thousand images long.

If you linger too long here, you might have to worry about a bunch of angry Somalians. And maybe even Josh Hartnett.

I don’t really know which is worse.

Literally the only negative thing I could say about Fallout 2 is that the animation for people running in excitement/fear makes me want to drive my fist right through the monitor. You can practically hear them making some obnoxiously awful noise- especially the children in this game. I can’t even count how many times I planted dynamite on some kids and blew them up because of it. I plan on running for public office just so my opponent can use that last statement out of context and put it in an attack ad. “Radical Gavin Bard ‘planted dynamite on children and blew them up.’ Is this someone you want in charge of your state?” And everyone can go “oh yeah, totally.”

It would be convenient if this game sucked, just because I could use this picture and be all “look it’s poop and this game is poop lol.” I could write for Leno.

Ah- a landmark moment. This is the first time in gaming history that you could have a same sex marriage. It is often erroneously referred to as the first instance of a main character being able to be a homosexual but as far as I know that was actually Ultima VI, where you could get “entertained” by the gender of your choice. Weird how the Fallout universe is way more tolerant of same sex relationships than 30 or so of our states. I guess in the wasteland there are more important things to be concerned about than what people with matching parts do together.

“Hello ‘Vaultdweller6969′. Why don’t you take a seat?”

One of the most unique things about Fallout 2 is how self aware this game is. It breaks the fourth wall more often than Deadpool hanging out with Animal Man at a party thrown by the Invisibles.

I bet you can’t figure out why I took this screenshot?

It’s because it looks like a penis.

That’s why.

A penis.

One of the main complaints about Fallout 2 is that there are so many pop culture references it almost weighs the game down. I took screenshots of all them, from ‘Gordon of Gecko’ to A Boy and His Car to Nine Inch Nails, and ended up with about 500 of them. They can be a little bit forced, but I’ll let this one go since the rest of the game is, you know, as close to perfect as something can be without genetic alterations.

Some are more forced than others.

One of the best additions to Fallout 2 is being able to edit your NPCs fighting tendencies. It still has its issues, but any control is good control. It makes the NPCs so much more useful than in the first game, although they still aren’t mandatory.

Hold #3 out of 1004 in Chris Jericho’s movelist.

Sadly your spouses clinginess leads to situations where a quick divorce is needed…

…Old testament style. Lock and load Moses!

I and I fin you ‘n Steppin Razor the good herb fren. Maelcum’s an ‘is rightous dub, mon.

Before someone says that’s racist, it was a Neuromancer reference. Read more books.

Fallout 2 continues the Fallout tradition of stuffing the game full of detail like a post-apocalyptic chicken stuffed in a post-apocalyptic duck stuffed in a post-apocalyptic turkey. The wasteland always feels so oddly logical, from the buildings that people have taken over to being able to make a career as a porn star, that even the most outlandish twists or settings still get slotted into the game’s history perfectly. Fallout 2 was one of the most fleshed out games around.

The Chosen One shares my opinion on organized religion apparently. The “Overbearingly Obnoxious Atheist” trait comes in handy.

I think the idea of Lieutenant Dangle  palling around with Lord Humongous is… disturbing. To say the least.

And what’s the deal with airline peanuts? Hey, another round of iguana-on-a-stick for me and my friends!

It’s “burning out his fuse up here alone.” Just ask Shatner, he will probably still be around in 2200.

THIS IS WHAT HUBOLOGISTS REALLY BELIEVE

While the quality of the game has improved almost across the board, and odd exclusion to that improvement is the lack of voice acting. I don’t know if it’s because the game is longer or if it’s because they actually did cut the total of ‘talking heads’ in half, but it seems like there are way fewer characters with actual recorded lines in Fallout 2. That is pretty much nitpicking, but I had to find something negative to say or else I would lose my Snarky Video Game Journalist Club membership.

You get some great moments of drama due to the intricate story and how much it intertwines with the original game. There is really a lot of delicious atmosphere to absorb.

Nice to see the Atlantic City Boardwalk hasn’t changed.

This is pretty much what I say before I troll the internet for dates.

I didn’t know the Enclave recruited from Razak’s Roughnecks.

I agree with the Chosen One on religion AND politics, wow. They got really progressive two hundred years in the future after a nuclear holocaust.

The last boss is pretty anti-climatic, especially if you’ve played as an intelligent character (which all real men should), but it doesn’t really matter. In the end, Fallout 2 is a game that is so close to perfect that the only bad thing I can say about it is Fallout Tactics followed it. The advancements in combat, the amount of options for guns, perks, and character development, and an engaging story make this one of those holy relics of PC gaming that everybody has to play. In my opinion, Fallout 2 is the best game of the series. Now, commence the arguing! Guitar solo!

9 and 9.5 represent the pinnacle of the genre, a game that defines what that genre should be about. These scores are for games that you not only feel would be worth your purchase, but you would actually try to convince your friends to buy them as well.

Fallout 2 was developed by Black Isle Studios and published by Interplay Entertainment  for Windows, and then the Mac three years later because nobody plays games on that thing! The game released in North America on September 30th, 1998, which is a year to the day after the first Fallout game. Spooky. The copy used in this review was for Windows and was bought out of a box at an indoor dirt mall a dozen years ago. Fallout 2 was played until completion, how could I resist?

Do you have a game you’d like to see featured in this stupid idea creative and original work of game journalism art? If so, let me or RipTen know on Twitter, or in the comments on this very site!

Next Time on the Retrograde: Hydlide.

Son of a bitch.

• RipTen Retrograde: Hydlide (NES, 1989)
• Reverse rhythm-based shooter Retro/Grade announced for PS3

My roommate in college was an Industrial Design major, and I vaguely remember him sitting at his desk from time to time, carving away at something that looked pretty important.  I’d probably have more to say but I was usually busy drawing naked ladies. College was a very productive time for me.

The work of an Industrial Design student by the name of Elie Ahovi is the real reason you are here right now.  Elie worked up a console revival that is very near and dear to my heart.  I’m talking about a Dreamcast 2, or Dreamcast Delta, as he calls it.  Regardless of name, Elie put a great deal of thought into this creation, analyzing current trends while trying his best to remain true to the original design essence.  Check his work out in our gallery below and make sure to his Behance Network page to tell him that he is full of win.

P.S. If anyone from SEGA reads this, Elie will be looking for a job come this March.  I implore you to hire him and get cracking on top secret project or two.  Code name “Delta” has a nice ring to it.

Also, this…

• Sega’s ReBrand Kicks Some Serious Ass
• Dreamcast Era Sonic Levels Get Re-imagined In Sonic Generations (Video)
• Show @RipTen Your #Dreamcast And Win This #Swagadelic Giveaway!!
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• Sega Announces Dreamcast Collection for Xbox 360 and PC
• RipTen Review: Crazy Taxi (XBLA)

In a recent interview, Mark Wahlberg made some comments about how he would have stopped 9/11 from happening.  While many were up in arms about his words, it turns out that the whole thing was just a PR stunt to garner attention for his upcoming video game Marky Mark’s Terrorist Vibrations.  RipTen got a chance to sit down with M-Dub himself as he walked us through an exclusive first look at the game.

Mark tells us the basic premise:

“Once upon a time, the most attractive man in the universe was taking a flight around the world to teach people how to work out and shit.  His name was Marky Mark.  He’s, like, really dope.  Soon after the plane takes off, a few guys jump out of their seats screaming in some space language, and in the process, they cause Mark to spill his protein smoothie.  Mildly annoyed, he just turns up the volume on his mp3 player and begins to prepare himself another smoothie.  But wait… what happened to his milk?  He looks over to see one of the screaming men with a milk mustache!  Oh my god, right?!  This fills the young stud with so much funky bunchedness that he can’t contain it any longer.  He has no other option but to dance.”

As the game begins, we find a shirtless Marky Mark at the back of the plane.  In classic 2D side-scrolling action, we push right on the D-pad to walk forward as terrorists move in to confront us.  We have several options of attack here.  Hitting the A button causes our character to open a dialogue with the enemies.  He talks about his movies and is generally pleasant.  This causes the terrorists to be stunned with confusion, and we are able to walk right past them.  Another move involves timed button presses to wow the enemy with Marky Mark’s epic jump-roping skills, again stunning them and allowing us to move past them.  “I only like to be violent in real life and movies,” Mark tells us.  “My kids will be playing this game, bitch.”

We notice the ‘Funky Bar‘ and ask what that’s all about.  “Aw yeah!  You hold in this trigger button to go into dance mode, then you can hit the buttons to do different moves that fill up the Funky Bar.  Once that’s maxed out, you can unleash the Good Vibrations, which summons the mystic powers of backup vocals.  It literally blows their minds.”  We try it and have the video below to show what that’s like.

We continue down the length of the plane until we reach the front.  Here we’re faced with the door to the cabin and a boss fight with the captain.

“Check it.  So, like, the door’s locked and shit, right?  But you don’t got no key, so how you supposed to get in there?  I’ll give you a hint:  Calvin Klein underwear is really durable.  But once you get in, you and the captain have a rap battle.  Winner gets to decide where to crash the plane.  I’d crash it at the airport so everyone would be safe, duh.  Or maybe New Zealand.  I always wanted to go there.  Either way, 9/11 doesn’t happen if you win.  It’s like, people love you so much that they remove the 11th from September’s calendar.”

We had a hard time understanding why we’d fight the captain of the plane once all the terrorists were taken care of.

“It’s like this:  the captain is in charge but all these milk-stealers were somehow still allowed on the plane.  The captain’s supposed to screen that shit.  So he either didn’t do his job or he’s one of them.  So obviously I have to rap with that guy.”

Seems pretty simple, and planes aren’t that big, so isn’t this a little limited in content?

“Yo, we got tons of side missions.  One of them is like a Rubik’s cube that shows you how to get huge pecs.  Part of my goal is to teach people to not be pussies, to not just sit around while starving kids in Africa are wishing they could do more sit-ups, and to eat more chicken.  It’s educational for kids.”

Marky Mark’s Terrorist Vibrations is being developed for XBLA, PSN, PC, and Sega Master System.  What’s up with the Master System?

“Yo, you ever play Sonic?  Nuff said, muthafucka.”

We then informed Mr. Mark that Sonic was never on the Master System.

“Whatever, bitch.  Don’t make me Golden Axe you!”

Fair enough.

We’ll keep you updated as the game nears release.

Words by Dan. Video and images by Chad. Concept enhanced when their powers combine.

You can find Dan (@ManMandis) and Chad (@TheMadGamer) hanging out on Twitter daily, humiliating the innocent and making the world a funnier place.

Check out some of our other “Exclusive First Looks”

• Vagina Hero: Equal parts music-rhythm game, simulation, and real-time strategy. Basically what I’m saying is that it’s complicated.
• Wii New Year’s Eve:  The most realistic simulation of a New Year’s Eve celebration without actually having to step in vomit on the streets.
• Jersey Shore Kinect: HairGel Games gives us an exclusive first look at Jersey Shore: Kinect.

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This piece of retro gaming hardware is not only super cool looking, it’s fully functional too! The super-sized controller was revealed at London’s St. Station to help launch the Guinness World Records 2010 Gamer Edition. The genius behind this is 23-year-old Ben Allen, who’ just so happens to be studying engineering in the Netherlands.

The audience was free to give it a try, but every valiant participant soon discovered what Rob Base and DJ E Z Rock already knew, it takes two to make a thing go right. Seeing as this behemoth sizes in at 144.1″ by 62.6″ by 20.1″ with a whopping weight of 252lbs!

Ben, the mad scientist behind this geeked out invention, stated the following:

“This is really a labour of love. We’re passionate about gaming and wanted to honour its most iconic device; the NES (Nintendo Entertainment System) joypad … We put our heads together in the pub and decided to create this absurdly large working version! It’s such a rush to know we’ve made history and are being included in the Guinness World Records Gamer’s Edition.”

I don’t know about you, but i really want to try this giant controller out for myself!

Hungry for more hand-made swag? Take a leisurely stroll through our Geeked Out collection.

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Even if you weren’t around in the 80s, you’ve undoubtedly heard of the phenomenon that was Tecmo Bowl. Combine that with the football phenomenon that is Tim Tebow today and you get quite possibly the most period appropriate piece of clothing I’ve seen since Zubaz Pants.

Get your hands on this for $18.99 by heading on over to the Tecmo Bowl Store. Remember to use the promo code “Our God is an awesome God.”

Hungry for more hand-made swag? Take a leisurely stroll through our Geeked Out collection.

• Geeked Out: Mapstalgia
• Geeked Out: The Kid Munny
• Geeked Out: Bioshock Beer
• Geeked Out: World of Warcraft Foam Doomhammer Replica
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It’s return of the silly voices today as Team 17 brings the original Worms to computers across the land, launching on GOG.com.

Team 17 Software is best known as the developer of the superb Worms series, and the first game they’re bringing out for purchase- DRM free and fit for running on a modern PC- is Worms United, the “first installment in Worms series along with the expansion pack Worms Reinforcements, adding extra elements like a single-player campaign and the ability to add custom levels and soundpacks.”

The developer is also releasing its most recent franchise, Alien Breed, on the service, as well as oldies Superfrog and World Rally Fever later this month.

It’s good to see the return of the original Worms. Admittedly the Worms 2-style games were better but there’s something brilliantly simple that makes Worms 1 so fun to play with mates. Get them all around the computer and learn your wind speeds, soldiers!

• GOG Adds Hitman: Codename 47 and Deus Ex: Game of the Year Edition
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• GOG.com Announces Surprise Closure

Tails, my friend, we have some catching up to do. In fact, you might even say we have to make up for lost “time”…

Longtime fans of the Sonic the Hedgehog series often recall the games from the Genesis era (or Mega Drive, if you’re outside North America) with a great fondness. However, one of the most highly-praised installments from that period is also one of the most seldom played: Sonic the Hedgehog CD, or just Sonic CD for short.

Sonic CD, helmed by the oft-uncredited creator of the character, Naoto Oshima (Yuji Naka being the Lead Programmer on the original title), was originally meant to be an enhanced version of Sonic the Hedgehog 2, which was being created by a separate team headed by Naka at the SEGA Technical Institute in the United States. Instead, Oshima wound up taking the project in another direction, creating an all-new game for the company’s ill-fated Genesis CD add-on which bore a couple of small, passing resemblances to its Western-developed sibling.

In all, Sonic CD could be considered to have been in the wrong place at the right time. Sonic the Hedgehog fever was running wild, but that same fever did not translate into sales for the SEGA CD platform, though many of those who played it considered the title not only one of the platform’s best titles, but one of the best Sonic games, period.

Following its 1993 release, the game would be ported to the Windows PC platform in 1996, gaining it a little more exposure. Years later, the PC version of the title would be added to the Sonic Gems Collection in 2005. The problem there is that unlike the preceding Sonic Mega Collection, Gems would only be released for the GameCube in North America, thus keeping it out of the hands of a fair number of PlayStation 2 and Xbox owners (though the latter would only receive the Mega Collection in any region).

But now, Sonic CD finally has a chance to hit it big with the masses; unlike previous releases, the version we are here to talk about today is being released far and wide for virtually every platform– PlayStation Network, Xbox LIVE Arcade, Android, iOS, and at some point next year, even Windows Phone 7 and Steam. Ironically, it seems that just about the only platforms not getting it at all are those branded by Nintendo, making for an interesting bit of turnabout following Gems Collection.

(Well, there’s also the PlayStation Portable, but that should probably come as no surprise by this point.)

Unlike previous re-releases, the new Sonic the Hedgehog CD is no mere port; instead, independent developer and Sonic fan Christian “Taxman” Whitehead developed a new game engine called the “Retro Engine,” and presented a proof-of-concept wherein the game was reconstructed to SEGA. Upon seeing the game running on the iPhone, SEGA was apparently impressed enough to not only make the project official, but bring it to several other platforms as well, adding new tweaks and improvements along the way.

Sonic CD was well known for many things, including its time-traveling dynamic, CD-quality soundtrack, and anime cutscenes at the start and end of the game, to say nothing of the introduction of the characters of Metal Sonic and Amy Rose. Its legacy speaks for itself, and you can find numerous reviews all over the web with a little searching; of this, we have little doubt. Rather than delve into the quality of the game itself (beyond a brief summary), the focus of this review will be on what this particular version brings to the table.

Perhaps the first thing one might notice is how everything has been adapted so that it can run in widescreen. This includes not only the menus, but the gameplay itself, as well as the title screen and even the anime cutscenes by Toei Animation and Studio Junio.

In fact, those few who did own the SEGA CD may well remember that the cutscenes were displayed in a tiny window in the middle of the screen, and were a little grainy, as most videos were for the time. But no more; though the art style is simplistic, seeing those same scenes playing at full speed and taking up the entirety of your television screen is a sight to behold.

Similarly, the game presents you with three options for the in-game visuals. These include “Nostalgia,” “Smooth,” and “Sharp” settings, which seem to evoke different levels of quality, ranging from how the original looked on the SEGA CD to a look which seems to be a little more in keeping with what is expected from today’s displays.

Several companies, including SEGA, have looked to Backbone to create “high definition” versions of their 16-bit titles for these platforms, but these efforts have typically been met with disdain, with comments of how the original graphics look “smeared” being the norm. However, while we can’t quite put our finger on just what it is, the job performed on the graphics here feels far superior to Backbone’s attempts to update 16-bit visuals. And best of all, you can adjust the visual style at any time by simply pausing and accessing the settings.

The visuals are not the only thing which has been upgraded, as the audio provides almost everything a Sonic fan– a Sonic CD fan, especially– could want.

When the game was originally released, there were two soundtracks: one for the Japanese and PAL regions, and another composed for the North American release (which itself would find its way into later European ports). Fans have readily debated for ages over which version was preferable, from Masafumi Ogata’s title theme “You Can Do Anything” (aka “Toot Toot Sonic Warrior”) versus Spencer Nilsen’s “Sonic Boom” (which would go on to be featured in Super Smash Bros. Brawl) to decidedly different approaches to stage music (the Japanese versions featuring three variations of a common theme per zone, whereas the NA version would use different themes altogether), and even the boss music.

Following the announcement of this release, SEGA stated that it would only feature the Japanese/PAL music due to some licensing issues. Hope was kept alive, however, by talk that the North American soundtrack might be offered as downloadable content, so as to offset the cost of reusing Nilsen’s music.

Now, we aren’t sure what happened, but it all worked out for the best as this version of Sonic CD comes with both soundtracks. That’s right– while the Japanese music is the default when you download the game, you can switch it over to the North American soundtrack from the menu at the title screen. Unfortunately, unlike the visuals, you can only make this switch from this menu. It’s only a minor gripe, as being able to switch soundtracks on the fly and compare them as you go through the game would have been a great feature, but we aren’t about to complain– not when we thought we might not get Nilsen’s tunes at all.

Now, we did say it brought “almost” everything a fan would want. The “almost” applies to the unfortunate omission of the Engrish lyrics from the Japanese theme song, “You Can Do Anything.” Given that was a large draw for fans of that soundtrack– and even a favorably silly part for those who prefer the other– it’s unfortunate that they were mysteriously left out.

As an aside, it should be noted that you are able to adjust the volume of the sound effects and music in relation to one-another, and you can do this at any time from the pause menu.

As beloved as the game was to many fans who played it, it wasn’t without some issues, and we don’t just mean the music. Sonic felt a little different in how he controlled as well compared to post-Sonic 1 games, and this is perhaps best represented by the Spin Dash. With Sonic CD being developed at the same time as Sonic 2, both wound up taking the same basic idea and putting their own– *ahem* –spin on it.

The Sonic 2 version, which has you press the jump button repeatedly while holding down, is perhaps the best known. Not only did it come first, but it would become the standard for many, many other games to follow. Sonic CD, however, only required one button press and Sonic would gradually build towards his (seemingly slower) top speed. Of the two, it was far less warmly received.

The Retro Engine version, however, takes both versions into account. Like the music, it must be selected before you start up your game, but players can now choose between both types of Spin Dash, with the more “classic” style set as the default. And as much as we love Sonic, there are those far more hardcore than we are, and word is that switching the Spin Dash style affects the controls in other ways as well, with whatever differences there are between the Sonic CD and Sonic 2 versions of gameplay present and accounted for. We didn’t notice a huge difference beyond the Spin Dash, but more hardcore fans might.

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Those who bought their 3DS consoles before the price drop in the UK and Japan will be getting a slew of free GameBoy Advance games on Friday.

The full list of free games is as follows, as revealed by a “Spotpass” notification on regional Nintendo 3DS consoles:

Super Mario Advance 3: Yoshi’s Island, Mario Kart: Super Circuit, Metroid Fusion, WarioWare Inc. Mega Microgames, Mario vs. Donkey Kong, Wario Land 4, Kirby & The Amazing Mirror, Fire Emblem: The Sacred Stones, Legend of Zelda: The Minish Cap, and F-Zero: Maximum Velocity.

Wario Land 4, Kirby & The Amazing Mirror, Fire Emblem: The Sacred Stones, Legend of Zelda: The Minish Cap, and F-Zero: Maximum Velocity are all new reveals, so get all excited about those, why don’t you. I know Justin Berube is jizzing his pants with glee as he reads this. Especially as one of the best Zelda games is appearing- Minish Cap. If you’ve not played it get on that, yo.

Via Joystiq

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The original BurgerTime was released in 1982, and took its place as an arcade classic fondly remembered by many alongside the likes of other such icons of the day as Pac-Man and Donkey Kong.

The goal of the game was simple, yet something which could only ever make sense in video game logic: Chef Peter Pepper wants to make hamburgers, and does so my walking across the length of giant buns, patties, and other ingredients, causing them to fall down a layer until they are all neatly stacked up on the plates at the bottom. Unlike the cows you see at Chick-fil-a, however, there are other foods (a hot dog, a pickle, and a fried egg) who seem a bit jealous of Pepper’s burger-stacking, and wish to put a stop to it. Fortunately, the wily burger chef is able to stun them with a shot from his handy pepper shaker, allowing him to pass safely by until he can squash them between the giant burger parts.

It’s a weird concept, but sitting alongside a yellow dot-munching circle and knights riding ostriches over hot lava, BurgerTime was relatively mundane and endearing.

However, despite being ported to various platforms over the years, from the Atari 2600 and 7800 to the Intellivision, Colecovision, Nintendo Entertainment System, Game Boy, and more, occasionally with some slight updates or enhancements, BurgerTime and its cast never really quite managed to move on to become a universal gaming star like those from Donkey Kong, Pac-Man, Mario, Frogger, and more. The game did manage to be featured in a portion of the 1990 season 2 premiere of Captain N: The Game Master, but never really rose any higher than that.

Fast-forward a few more years to 1994, as Nintendo released Donkey Kong (affectionately known to some by its production title, Donkey Kong ’94) for the Game Boy. Perhaps this was to re-familiarize its audience with their then-dormant character Donkey Kong before releasing Donkey Kong Country to the world in the holiday season of that year; regardless, they had not only brought back the arcade classic, but remade it.

Taking advantage of the extra storage space of newer game cartridges (as well as the extra boost in capability provided by the Super Game Boy adapter for the Super NES), Donkey Kong not only managed to remake the game with improved graphics and sound (well, in a sense– it was a Game Boy game, after all), but evolve it. 100 levels awaited players with countless challenges across numerous landscapes and a variety of moves and abilities virtually unimaginable to those who had played the original in arcades over a decade before.

And now, we come to 2011 and the release of BurgerTime World Tour, developed by MonkeyPaw Games and published by Konami for WiiWare, the PlayStation Network, Windows PCs, and Xbox LIVE Arcade, which is the version played for this review.

BurgerTime World Tour feels as though the developers took a good, long look at how Nintendo remade their arcade classic, and tried to apply the same formula to BurgerTime… with the benefit of an extra 17 years of technological advancement, of course.

The premise, as noted above, is largely the same: you take the role of Chef Peter Pepper (who now has a new design, not that his was ever very consistent) as he sets out to create giant burgers. Or, in the Xbox LIVE Arcade version, you can instead choose to play as your Avatar instead; the downside to this, though, is that the cutscenes still depict Pepper, which leaves one to wonder what the point is. Nonetheless, it’s not a bad thing to have the option; no harm, no foul.

As for the cutscenes, BurgerTime World Tour does have something of a story, as Peter Pepper sets out to stop a rival chef who has apparently taken over a burger-making machine. Precisely why this is necessarily bad isn’t particularly clear, though we assume it’s to make a statement about the superiority of handmade burgers versus those prepared in assembly-line fashion.

The core gameplay of BurgerTime World Tour is very much like its namesake, with Peter Pepper climbing ladders and running along burger toppings to make them fall, blasting foes with pepper in the process. But that is largely where the similarities end.

Taking advantage of newer technology, World Tour is more of a 2.5D game, with levels based around blocks of different cities, from New York to Paris and from Mexico to Tokyo and more, with 50 levels in total (though only 30 for the upcoming Wii version). The platforms essentially wrap around these settings, making each stage like a very large cylinder; you not only move left and right (in addition to up and down), but also around the levels as well.

This actually makes things a little interesting when projectiles come into play, as they follow the curve of the stage as well, defying logic and physics; such is the nature of video games. But with that said, it provides a unique and interesting twist on the normal perspective presented in platforming games.

And indeed, this is a platforming game, unlike the original, as Peter Pepper has now learned the art of jumping. Furthermore, he can now also pick up an enemy stunned by a shot of peppper and carry them to the burger ingredients, where he slams them down to force the pieces to fall further than they normally would.

Other items provide further new abilities, including a spatula which handily rids you of enemies outright, and rocket packs which blast Pepper off to new heights; in some cases, you’ll need to blast your rocket up to another rocket and continue the climb. Unfortunately for Pepper, he can only carry one item at a time (not counting his trusty pepper shaker).

And he’ll need all the help he can get. Mr. Hot Dog, Mr. Egg, and Mr. Pickle have all returned, and unlike the originals, whose behavior made them largely interchangeable, they each have new names and characteristics. Frank Furter will seek you out, wherever you go, and climb ladders to reach you, much like the original; Sonny the fried egg can climb, too, but tends to stick to certain areas, and will charge upon spotting you; Ruthless Dill the pickle sticks to certain areas as well, but now jumps when you do in order to prevent you from getting by.

Three new characters also appear to stop Peter Pepper from making his rounds, adding even more variety to the original formula.

Each city culminates in a boss battle, which plays similarly enough to the rest of the game, though there are some twists, such as repeatedly making the same jumbo burgers while dodging condiments to jam a burger-making machine, or dodging the blows of a massive luchador wrestler in the background.

If there is one word we would use to describe BurgerTime World Tour, it’s “unforgiving.”

Make no mistake about it: Despite the silly premise, this game, much like its forebearer, is tough. But even so, we would never go so far as to describe it as unfair; the controls work well, and you’re given plenty of tools with which to go about your burger-making business.

If there is any real problem that we could cite, it is that everything is so colorful and busy that sometimes you might not even see an enemy who is right in front of you… to be unable to see the trees for the forest, one might say. In addition, there’s a certain lack of “impact,” for lack of a better word, to the game’s physics; on the occasions where we would die, we weren’t even quite aware of it for a moment.

But even then, as you play, you develop a certain rhythm and become in-tune with the game, and that’s when it really becomes fun. In an age where “brown” seems to be the go-to color for so many games, we aren’t about to complain about something as vibrant and animated as this; it just takes a little getting used to.

To help with that, the developers have also included a handy Easy Mode. Interestingly enough, this does not seem to change the gameplay in the slightest; rather, you are given more lives with which to tackle each stage, as well as more shots from your pepper shaker to deal with your fried foes.

And it does make a huge difference if you’re having trouble. The only problem is, you cannot save your scores in this mode, and for some reason, the developers make it a point to tell you… at the start of every. Single. Stage.

Incidentally, one mechanic which thwarted us over and over again was when flat moving platforms would crush Peter Pepper to death. In most games, platforms like this are harmless enough, often even letting you pass through them, which just makes these all the more treacherous if you’re not paying attention. Frankly, we think that part seems a little like overkill, as the game is challenging enough without that bit.

Rounding out the game is the inclusion of multiplayer modes, which include simultaneous split-screen and online modes for up to four players. Here, you can unlock new characters, and even use your own as you race to complete the burgers first. In addition, you can even tweak which enemies and power-ups will or will not appear, how many of them there are, and how long the matches run.

Earlier in this review, we likened BurgerTime World Tour to Nintendo’s Donkey Kong revival, which leaves the question of whether or not the game succeeds in that regard.

And we definitely think so; while BurgerTime World Tour may not necessarily surpass Donkey Kong for the Game Boy (despite having an extra 17 years to do so), it has certainly done an admirable job bringing an arcade classic into the 21st century and updating it accordingly. If you love old-fashioned arcade-style gameplay, then this title is a must-play, especially if you were a fan of the original game.

Or, more simply put: this burger is well done.

Here’s The Rundown:

+ BurgerTime lives again!

+ The gameplay is very challenging, yet doesn’t tend to be unfair

+ It is to BurgerTime what Donkey Kong ’94 was to Donkey Kong, or Super Castlevania IV was to Castlevania; this is a sterling example of how to update a classic arcade game

+ Online and multiplayer modes extend the longevity

- While not quite floaty, some of the physics lack “oomph”

- Right, you can’t save scores on Easy mode, we get it… just like we got it the last 82 times you told us

- It’s sometimes hard to remember that moving platforms will squish you; was that part of the obstacle really necessary?

- No Avatars in cutscenes? But I wanted to watch myself get angry at a speeding cab driven by a weenie…

Learn more about the RipTen scoring system and what this score means. Visit our review scoring page.

BurgerTime World Tour was developed by MonkeyPaw Games and published by Konami. It was released on Xbox LIVE Arcade on November 2nd and the PlayStation Network on November 15th, 2011, with PC and WiiWare versions forthcoming. A review copy of the Xbox LIVE Arcade version was provided by Konami, and was played until our reviewer was full, though he now has the craziest craving for some Johnny Rockets…

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Our editor Dave Oshry is a man who stereotypes people. Is there a term for that? There should be a term for that. Stereotypist, or something.

Take me for example. He singles out the one person on this site from the southern United States (without “Mobile Guru” or “MMO Champion” in their title, anyway) who wears a cowboy hat, and tells them to review a NASCAR game which just came out for Xbox LIVE Arcade and the PlayStation Network.

“Why, sure!” says the individual. “I’ll just put aside my banjo and wipe the moonshine from my lips, and get right on it! Never mind the fact that I’m not very good at the game!”

It was at this point that he put down the world’s tiniest violin, slapped me on the back, and said “that’s the spirit!”

And that’s how we reached this point.

ROLLING START!!!

Am I the right person to be reviewing this game? I have no idea. I don’t watch NASCAR , I don’t drink Mountain Dew or Mtn Dew or whatever they’re calling that stuff now (Mello Yello, thanks), and I moved to Canada a decade ago, so you tell me.

Ah, but then, this isn’t just any game with a NASCAR license on it, is it? In fact, I’m not even sure that NASCAR proper has anything to do with the game at all, despite the name. This is Daytona USA, an arcade racing game from SEGA’s AM2 division. So in reality, it’s basically NASCAR-styled racing as viewed through a Japanese filter. Sort of like how America basically took Street Fighter II and turned it into G.I. Joe: Generation 2 for the first few years of its industry dominance.

With that said, here’s a little more disclosure: when Daytona USA first hit the arcades, I was not the least bit interested. No, the racing game I chose to play was none other than Nintendo and Midway’s Ultra 64 showpiece, Cruis’n USA, and it was glorious. No other racing game could ever possibly top it in a million years, no matter how hard they tried… unless they made a sequel, perhaps.

Fanboyism is a strange, strange thing, and can trump nostalgia for the rose-colored glasses bit any time.

That’s right: Nintendo vs. SEGA, the real console war (not like what you namby-pamby gamers have now, what with your two or three consoles under your televisions…) was still hot and fresh like a Krispy Kreme donut when the red light is on, and I wasn’t about to give SEGA’s game the time of day.

Except for that time I gave it the time of day. I didn’t like it, of course, because it was SEGA. But it did look sort of nice… you know, for an inferior product. And damn if it didn’t have a catchy theme song… that I refused to listen to. Lalalalalala~!

Suffice to say: I was young, dumb, picked my side for better or for worse (in this specific case, quite a bit worse in the long run), and just didn’t play the game very much at all.

Thankfully, times have changed. I’m older, wiser, and really don’t give a crap about console wars any more. Sure, I still love Nintendo (though I’ve yet to don a crown to proclaim it– nice gimmick, though), but I have moved on to open my heart to SEGA, as well as Microsoft and Sony. Which is a good thing, because otherwise doing this review would be really hard.

With that said, I’ve downloaded and played the game. And you know what?

I like it. Quite a bit, actually. Maybe I should give lima beans another try, too!

Or maybe not.

Doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo... DAYTONA!!!

At first, playing Daytona USA felt a little rougher than most of the driving games I’m used to. A little more sim-ish, one might say, though not terribly so; it’s difficult to watch your car flip off the side of the track, tumble across the road, land on its wheels looking like a crushed tin can, get right back in the race, and call it a simulation. Perhaps a fine middle-ground is what AM2 has managed to uncover here. Fortunately, the game has multiple difficulty settings, which makes learning the nuances of the game a bit easier before you crank things up a notch.

The game itself is rather low on content, with only two cars to choose from (automatic transmission and manual), and three courses to choose from, including a short “Beginner” course, which is completed in 80 laps; a medium-length “Advanced” course, which goes for 40 laps; and the rather long “Expert” course, which needs “only” 20 laps to complete.

However, they manage to do quite a bit with that content. Numerous modes and challenges set across each course gives you plenty of reason to rev up again after finishing a race. You can take on dozens of computer-controlled drivers, cruise by your lonesome to the game’s famed/infamous soundtrack in Karaoke mode (a big hit in the deep South, I’m sure), challenge the clock in Survival and Time Trials, race up to seven other players online, or show just how proficient you are at controlling one of these mean machines by proving you can get up to speed within a time limit or avoid hitting the wall while maintaining your speed. It sounds simple, but it isn’t. And it probably goes without saying that there are Achievements and Trophies to be earned on your system of choice.

With all of that said, there is plenty to keep you busy here with what the game has to offer, which helps balance things out nicely.

The King of Speed

Some companies would probably just dump a ROM on a server and call it a day, but not SEGA; they have enhanced the visuals, giving it a nice high-definition look. Granted, they haven’t really done much with the polygon counts on the cars and track, but even then, it still looks surprisingly good for a 3D game originally released in 1993. Furthermore, unlike some other updated releases, SEGA has offered via downloadable services (looking at you, Sonic Adventure), Daytona USA now features an enhanced 16:9 widescreen format.

This release also supports all steering wheel controllers on the Xbox 360, as well as the Logitech GT Driving Force steering wheel controller for the PlayStation 3. We were unable to try this feature at the time of review, though if you have one of these lying around, now would be a great time to break it out and bring things closer to the original arcade experience.

And, unlike some other SEGA arcade driving games that have been re-released to Xbox LIVE Marketplace and the PlayStation Network, Daytona USA retains the soundtrack which so many find synonymous with the title. For those unfamiliar, put away any thoughts of some weird country or rock or country-rock tracks you might be imagining; the tunes on display here, from “Let’s Go Away” to “The King of Speed” are… well, hard to describe, but fit right into that “NASCAR viewed through a Japanese lens” notion mentioned earlier.

Have a listen for yourself: