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The 12 Days of Christmas, Revised for Gamers: Day 12

Jonathan Zungre — Thu, 27 Dec 2007 23:22:38 +0000

Is any song of the Christmas season less relatable than the Twelve Days of Christmas? Since when does Christmas have 12 days? How wealthy would you have to be to afford gifts like 5 gold rings or 11 pipers piping?

On the Twelfth Day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:

Old Gift: 12 Drummers Drumming

Analysis: Drum circles are for hippies.

New Gift: 12 Historic Consoles to start a new World’s Gaming Museum.

So, we’ve made it to the 12th day of Christmas, and you know, it’s been pretty selfish for the past 11 days. So let’s embrace the true spirit of Christmas here, and let’s think about giving back — to the gaming world, of course.

That’s why, if I had a true love giving me 12 gaming gifts, I would spend my largest gift allotment on rare and vintage home gaming consoles, using them to start my own Gaming Smithsonian. The beginning of the world’s largest playable gaming museum.

Here’s a sampling of some of the more rare consoles you and I would be able to try if such a place existed.

12 Historic Consoles that the World’s Gaming Museum should have:

1. Odyssey: The world’s first console had no sound, couldn’t keep score, and came with a deck of cards, poker chips, and play money.

2. Fairchild Channel F: The world’s second system had sound which came from the console box itself, not the TV. So, quit complaining about the Wii remote speaker!

3. Atari 2600: For as many fans as Nintendo or Sony have, you’d think there would still be more hardcore Atari fans, especially when you think about how much this console owned the industry back in the 70’s and early 80’s.

4. Vectrex: First Console to use vector graphics.

5. Intellivision: Atari’s first real contender.

6. TurboGrafx-16: We were so involved in the Super Nintendo vs. Genesis console war, a lot of us never go to play this baby.

7. Neo Geo: I never knew anyone who had enough dough to afford a Neo Geo back in the day. With inflation, the price has been estimated to approximately 1,000 bucks. What’s crazier? Games would cost 200 bucks, and that’s without inflation factored in!

8. Virtual Boy: When I was a kid, there were only two times when I came away from a game thinking, “I never want to do that again.” One was when I played the E.T. game on Atari and the other was when I stuck my face into this torture machine.

9. 3DO: Another console for high rollers.

10: Dreamcast: Sega’s last ditch effort, the Dreamcast console paved the way for the online console based gaming we experience today.

11. Nintendo’s Game & Watch: I know it’s not a console, but I just want to hold one. It’s Nintendo’s first attempt at handheld gaming. Some of these units actually had two screens foreshadowing the DS of today.

12. The Phantom: I know this never came out, but in the Video Game Smithsonian, it at the very least deserves a display case in recognition of the scandal that surrounded this console.

Check out The National Coin-op and Video Game Museum and Videotopia for a glimpse at previous attempts to launch a video game museum/exhibit.

And, we’ve made it guys. I present to you, the best Christmas presents I could think of:

The Gamer’s 12 Days of Christmas

On the 12th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:

12 Historic Consoles to Start a Video Game Museum

11 Gaming Gifts You Won’t Find This Holiday Season

10 Arcade Games to Create My Own Arcade

9 Games From the Future

8 Cool Abilities from the Gaming World

7 New Episodes of Judgement Day

6 Affectionate Emails from Gaming Celebrities

5 Modern Consoles

4 HDTV’s

3 Changes to the Video Game Awards

2 Copies of Kane & Lynch

1 Video Game Loving Girlfriend

12 Days of Christmas, for Gamers: 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12

The 12 Days of Christmas, Revised for Gamers: Day 11

Jonathan Zungre — Mon, 24 Dec 2007 22:15:03 +0000

On the Eleventh day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:

Old Gift: 11 pipers piping

Analysis: Only if they are piping on ocarinas.

New Gift: 11 Gaming Gifts you won’t find this Holiday Season

1. Assassin’s Creed Hoodies: No one looks cooler than Altair. A lot of it has to do with running up buildings and a lot of it has to do with that sweet hood. They can’t help us with the buildings but they could help us with an Altair-ish hoodie.

2. Nintendo Power Glove – Wide Receiver Edition: I hate the Patriots. And I especially can’t stand the mind boggling catches of Randy Moss, but if he had football receiver gloves that looked like Nintendo’s most memorable game peripheral, i may have a change of heart.

3. Duke Nukem Coffee Mugs: Unlike a lot of you, I totally geeked over the Duke Nukem teaser trailer because I love Duke like I love my taffy. Put his face on any cheesy thing, and it will be bought by yours truly. Especially if at the bottom of my cup of coffee displays the words “Blow it out your ass!” Good morning to you too, Duke!!

4. “I want to have Infinity Ward’s children”T-shirts: I can’t speak for everyone else, but I love COD4 and would proudly wear a shirt stating it to the world.

5. Myspace-y Xbox Live Gamer Profiles: I want to meet girls on Xbox live! Come on Microsoft, we already have one of the most important things in common. Bill Gates — hook us up!

6. Microsoft Death-Tunes: Songs that you can buy on Xbox Live that only trigger when you see the 3 red lights of hardware failure. I’d like mine to be something from My Chemical Romance, but the Doors, Mozart’s Requiem, or any type of music that helps you to get past the loss of your loved one would be fine.

7. Super Mario Galaxy Baby Mobile: Or maybe just a “baby mobile” mode on Galaxy. That way I can hang an LCD in the ceiling corner and mesmerize the kid for hours.

8. A Nintendo Wii: Yeah.

9. An HDMI Output Upgrade for the Old Xbox 360’s: All the new Xbox’s have them. Even the cheap Arcade version, and I firmly believe that we shouldn’t be permanently stuck with component cables just because we bought our 360’s early. Support your early adopters Microsoft — Apple did!

10. A Presidential Candidate That Can School Me Online: I want to be pwned by Mitt Romney. I want to be called a n00b by Barack Obama. You’ll get my respect — and you may get my vote.

11. A Socially Acceptable and Wearable Samurai Sword: Remember when Ashton Kutcher started wearing the trucker hat and it became in vogue? I want some up and coming star to start donning a Katana with their evening wear — then maybe I’ll stop getting kicked out of Christmas parties.

12 Days of Christmas, for Gamers: 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12

The 12 Days of Christmas, Revised for Gamers: Day 10

Jonathan Zungre — Mon, 24 Dec 2007 02:41:11 +0000

On the tenth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:

Old Gift: 10 Lords A-leaping

Analysis: “Honey, your gift box is moving…”

New Gift: 10 Arcade games to create your own arcade!

We’ve already talked about the Multiplayer Game Vault, but now lets talk about another room that every gamer should really have in his or her house: The Arcade.

But wait, you can’t just go buying all your favorite games from the past! In order to build a proper arcade, you’re going to have to buy a couple representatives from each of the most popular arcade genres.

Fighting Games

Examples: Street Fighter II, Mortal Kombat, Killer Instinct, Virtua Fighter, Tekken, Primal Rage, Marvel vs. Capcom

Fighters were the main draw of Arcades for most of the 90’s, and even if you go into an arcade today people will be either playing something that allows them to dance with their friends or punch their heads off.

I’d go with Super Street Fighter II: The New Challengers for Cammy and the other 3 new playable characters it introduced, along with Mortal Kombat 2 because I’m a flannel wearing rebel.

Shooters

Examples: Lethal Enforcer, Silent Scope, Area 51, Ghost Squad, Carnevil, T2: Judgment Day, Big Buck Hunter

Did you ever see a guy put quarters into both sides, duel wield both light guns and go at Area 51 John Woo style? I tried it once. I died really fast.

That’s why I would choose something more progressive like Time Crisis 2, because it gives you the ability to duck when you press the foot pedal. I’d also net myself a House of the Dead 2 because my mom likes it.

Driving Games

Examples: Pole Position, 18 Wheels of Steel, Daytona USA, Crazy Taxi, Cruisin’ USA

Lucky and Wild was probably the only driving game in the arcades to really thrill me. How ahead of its time was that game? Driving, 2 player co-op shooting, and every level starts with you getting your windshield shot out by drug dealers!

And I’d take Outrun, because I definitely had a crush on that blond riding passenger (I know I’m not alone.)

Beat ‘Em Up

Examples: Final Fight, Double Dragon, The Simpsons, Aliens vs. Predator, Knights of the Round, Captain America and the Avengers

Side scrolling Beat ‘Em Up arcade games were always my favorite, so this is hard one to narrow down. However, my roller skating rink memories force me to choose Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and the double-screen X-men with six playable mutants.

“Nothing Stops the Blob!”

Vintage

Examples: Centipede, Donkey Kong, Space Invaders, Asteroids

This is probably the only category that could be its own 10 to 12 game arcade room itself. Actually, if anyone knows of a place where they have all vintage arcade games, please email me right now and I will meet you there.

The two games I would go straight for would be the original Pac-man and the granddaddy of them all: Pong.

So, now you’ve got a Multiplayer Game Vault and a Proper Arcade. And, Day 12 is going to yield a room even sweeter than both of these. Christmas is a good time for videogame dreams to come true.

12 Days of Christmas, for Gamers: 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12

The 12 Days of Christmas, Revised for Gamers: Day 9

Jonathan Zungre — Sun, 23 Dec 2007 03:52:19 +0000

Old gift: 9 ladies dancing

Analysis: Polka dancing? That might be ok.

New gift: 9 games…from the future!

Analysis: Great Scott!

This Christmas, I’m getting Mass Effect from Santa, which is pretty great. But you know what I thought would be better? A time machine. No, not so I could kill Hitler as a child, but so I could go into the second quarter of ’08 and snag me a Grand Theft Auto 4! Big picture here, people!

And since I’ve already been to the future and now I’m back, let me tell you what the greatest games of the future are…or were…I mean, will be.

1. Metal Gear Solid 4: Gets below average reviews on all media outlets due to its 7 second stealth action segments followed by Snake narrating chapters of Nietzsche and Descartes. Most players still dig it though. No one ever questions the nickname “Solid Snake.”

2. The Silver Lining: Fan created follow up to the Kings Quest Series outsells Mario 3 and relaunches American passion for traditional adventure games. Haha, jk, jk. Worldwide passion.

3. UFC: Is 8 Times Better Than Boxing or WWE: Randy Couture for President (Inaugural Edition). The new Ultimate Fighting Championship game outsells Madden and takes an ironic twist when Randy Couture does in fact become president of the United States by KO’ing Hillary Clinton in the third round.

4. Fallout 3: Bethesda bumps its fall ’08 release to a January 4th ’08 release. Game is mostly unfinished but if you pre-order they encase it in a missile and launch it out of a Russian silo into your front yard.

5. Grand Theft Auto 4: “Illegal Immigrants are Tough Too”. After the release of GTA 4: IITT every once-critical politician praises Rockstar’s ability to make minority groups look completely hardboiled and awesome. Rockstar announces Grand Theft Auto: Alpha Centauri, in which you play a limbless albino.

6. Wii Date: Mii’s seem to grow tired of each other, no matter how strong the initial attraction. Reminds us of the sad state of human relationships. Cute Mii’s help it sell amazingly well.

7. L.A. Noir: This PS3 exclusive becomes a multi-platform title and then an Xbox 360 exclusive. All the PS3 fanboys freak out, and in response 2K decides that they’re only going to release it on the Wii. Then only the N-gage. Wins game of the year.

8. Don King’s Crazy Ass Pugilism (working title): “Working Title” was included in the final title. Fantastic Boxing game that would rival EA’s Fight Night if end boss Don King wasn’t so unbalanced.

9. Killzone 2: This game turns out to be the biggest surprise hit of 2008, although early estimates of 20 different guns reduces to 5 and then and then just 1, which they call “The Needler.”

And that’s the future kids, don’t try to change it. Already tried to change the future of the Virtual Boy. That killed some relatives you would have known.

12 Days of Christmas, for Gamers: 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12

The 12 Days of Christmas, Revised for Gamers: Day 8

Jonathan Zungre — Fri, 21 Dec 2007 16:39:04 +0000

Old Gift: 8 Maids A-milking

Analysis: Sweet, delicious milk. Great for bones, but not much fun.

New Gift: 8 cool abilities from the gaming world

Have you ever wondered what else you could be doing with all the hours you use to play video games? Sometimes I find myself wishing that the skills and abilities I learned in video games actually transferred into real life. Some of these may surprise you, but if I could only pick eight abilities, I would choose the following:

1. Problem Solving: I want to solve most problems, including interpersonal ones, by using things in my inventory, which I store on my person. For example, rubber chicken plus garden hose equals handy barometer!

2. Conversational skills: I want conversations to work in real life the way it does in Bioware games, like Jade Empire or Mass Effect. When someone asks me a tough question, I only want four choices, and an indefinite amount of time to choose a response.

3. Wealth accumulation: I want to uproot bushes around people’s houses and I want to find jewels in those bushes.

4. Networking: I want to be able to network like Tommy Vercetti in Vice City. Complete a freelance job and another opens up immediately. Do well and employers start calling you with simple jobs that make you thousands of dollars.

5. Healing: Call of Duty style. Took three bullets to the face? No problem! Just crouch and stay still for second and you’ll heal right up! There should be a way to heal emotionally as well. Girlfriend cheated on you? Just stick your head in the trash can for 10 seconds. You’ll be fine!

6. Attracting girls: I want to attract girls the way Lionhead teaches me in Fable. Just show off the trophies of my exploits. I want to strut into a club with my 7th grade third place wrestling trophy and be completely confident that I won’t be alone for the rest of my life.

7. Eating: In video games, eating restores your health. In real life your eating is probably destroying your health. I’d love to withstand a bullet wound and heal like Wolverine because I ate a ham sandwich. Also, I want to eat an entire turkey like the guys in Final Fight.

8. Unlimited retries: Fail until you win, and when you win have everyone react like you did it all on the first try.

We like games because they suggest an alternate reality that is impossible but desirable. With a few extra powers like those we see in our favorite games, the world would be a much better place. And isn’t that what Christmas is all about?

12 Days of Christmas, for Gamers: 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12

The 12 Days of Christmas, Revised for Gamers: Day 6

Jonathan Zungre — Wed, 19 Dec 2007 22:58:06 +0000

On the sixth day of Christmas my true love gave to me:

Old Gift: Six Geese A-laying

Analysis: I don’t think giving a goose, when it was in the exact moment of birthing, would ring in much Christmas cheer.

New Gift: Six affectionate Christmas emails from Video Game Celebrities

Analysis: I wonder if this is what Geoff Keighley’s inbox looks like.

1…

Merry Christmas,

Filled my pool up with spare Wiis. It’s hilarious. You should really come over and check it out.

-Reggie

2…

Hey cutie,

Now that X-play is finished for a while, I thought we could get some coffee sometime. You know, catch up. What’ya think?

xoxo,
Morgan

3…

Yo dude,

Merry X-mas. Here’s the 411 for the weekend. Playing real life gears of war with chainsaws in the woods. haha, jk jk lol. We’re using guns, so unless you are “wicked retahded” you better be there!

Cliffy

4…

Hey Handsome,

Now that all the Assassin’s Creed stuff is over with (it is over right?), I was thinking maybe we could catch a movie or something? Talk to you soon.
Jade : )

5…

Cheers mate,

Happy holidays my friend. Thinking of doing “No Button Combat” for Fable … as in you can never tell your character to attack, he only does it if HE chooses to.

Any suggestions? Would love to know what you would do.

Peter Molyneux

6…

Hello,

Apology first. My English not so good.

Should Mario is homosexual like Harry Potter Wizard?

I think of it.

Miyamoto

12 Days of Christmas, for Gamers: 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12

The 12 Days of Christmas, Revised for Gamers: Day 5

Jonathan Zungre — Tue, 18 Dec 2007 16:44:52 +0000

On the fifth day of Christmas my true love gave to me:

Old gift: Five gold rings

Analysis: I can see the Ebay value here, but come on, let’s not be opulent.

New Gift: Five Video game consoles: the gold rings of the industry

Analysis: Wouldn’t it be great to have them all?

Have you ever done it? Have you ever collected every console that was being sold at the time? I’ve got to be honest, I never have. The closest I ever got was last generation when I bought a PS2, an Xbox, and a Gamecube. But I didn’t have a Gameboy SP or any handheld for that matter–Mission Failed.

It always seemed like too much, didn’t it? I remember the bitter console war between the Sega Genesis and the Super Nintendo and how you either had one or the other–no one ever had both. If you walked into a kids house and saw that he did weren’t you like, “Holy smokes! This kid must be rich!”

Now that I’m older, I do want all the consoles–eventually at least. I don’t want to miss out on any amazing game that I could be playing. When it comes to collecting all the consoles of a generation, I think most people have a plan of attack.

Here’s mine:

1. Xbox 360:
a. After watching G4’s coverage of the 2006 E3 convention, I was sold.Gears of War, Crackdown, Halo 3, same-day-as-PS3 Grand Theft Auto and Mass Effect sealed the deal.

2. Playstation 3
a. Blue-ray player is really appealing to my HD loving brain.
b. I’m excited about some not-so-talked-about exclusives like Infamous and Echochrome

3. Nintendo Wii
a. I really like the idea of drawing new people into gaming and having the Wii out at parties.
b. Super Mario Galaxy mesmerized me at my last Gamestop outing.

4. Nintendo DS
a. I live in New York City. You spend a lot of time on the subway.
b. I love me some old school adventure games, so Hotel Dusk is calling my name.

5. PSP
a. You know, I probably won’t get this unless I can buy it off my buddy to play Dracula X or any type of new Grand Theft Auto that might come out for it.
b. Maybe just to know that I finally got them all.

So Ripten readers, what’s your plan of attack?

12 Days of Christmas, for Gamers: 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12