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RipTen’s Guide to Becoming a Typical Video Game Protagonist (For Ladies)

Ripten Staff — Mon, 10 Jan 2011 22:20:40 +0000

By RipTen Contributor Justin Carter

At some point, we’ve all wanted to be that bad ass character in a video game. After all, who wouldn’t want to perform death-defying stunts, kill people in exotic locations, and get the love interest at the end of it all? A few weeks ago we spelled it out for the Guys, tonight it’s ladies night!

1. Have an accent

The sexiest type of women in video games like Miranda Lawson and Lara Croft are such sex icons for gamers because of their lovely accents. Why listen to a plain old boring American accent when you can listen to a sexy British or Australian woman kicking ass and taking names?

2. Tolerate any dirty jokes that come your way – And there will be dirty jokes.

Just ignore how obviously perverted the guy is. Pretend that he’s not speaking in a high pitched voice and making disturbing sexual references. If you want to get anywhere in this industry, we all have to make sacrifices and yours will be your dignity and tolerance to not hit stupid people. (men)

3. Have a severe allergy to clothing.

You can wear clothing for 2-5 minutes, but afterwards, we better see some skin other than your face and fingers, dammit! Get a sleeve torn, have a wild animal rip your pants to shreds; just lose some clothing. And don’t even think about changing clothes during loading screens, missy, because they’ll just get ripped to shreds, too.

4. Get some tig-ole bitties.

Yes, you read that right. This is actually the first thing (things) you’ll need before you consider being a female lead because otherwise, you’re screwed. After all, who doesn’t love the super curvy ladies like Tifa, Cammy, or any of the Dead or Alive Girls? Cs to Gs will get you the job quicker, and if they’re smaller than that, either stuff your bra, wear tight clothes that make them look twice as big, or rob a bank and use the money to get yourself an operation. Or, if you’re covered on top…

5. Have a nice, finely sculpted rear.

If we’re gonna be staring at it for who knows how many hours, it may as well look nice. If you don’t know how it’s supposed to look, grab Mass Effect 2 or Halo: Reach, look at the butts of Miranda Lawson and Kat, and you’ll have a good idea of how it’s supposed to look. However, if you’ve got a butterface and no chesticles worth pointing out, your bum (or lack thereof) will be the reason your sequel is being sold at Gamestop for $5 three weeks after release.

6. Unlockable costumes.

You will have every male gamer killing each other to buy your game. The skimpier, the better. Also, don’t make them too hard to unlock. In fact – they should unlock everytime you get a win or make it to the next level . . . yeah. Sold.

7. Prior to release, have some sexy models portray you at conventions.

Places like E3, the Comic Cons and TGS would be good places to start, since chances are there’ll be someone dressing up as you anyway. If it’s possible, get the model to wear the most form-fitting clothes you can find for her. Bonus points if you can get her to do some sexy posing. Once you’ve got a real following – you may even want to branch out and get sexy at the GDC and CES – you know those suits will love it.

So, there you have it. Follow these 7 easy steps and you’ll be well on your way to becoming the video game leading lady of your dreams!!

Limited Edition Mass Effect 2 Lithographs Go On Sale

Bryce Wilson — Wed, 08 Dec 2010 02:39:25 +0000

I was never much of a Mass Effect fan. I don’t know if I just didn’t play the game enough or I simply just didn’t like it, but either way there’s hundreds of thousands of fans out there who love the game and its art, and I can respect that. Well BioWare is giving their fans a treat as they put a Legion and Miranda lithograph pack on sale tomorrow between 10 and 11am MDT, and then a further 150 for sale between 5 and 6pm MDT.

The lithographs are signed and numbered and are literally limited editions, with only a small amount being made. If you’re interested, go to the BioWare store tomorrow and pre-order them as they will sell like wildfire!

Capcom Japan Promotes Dead Rising 2 with a Hot Girl in a Bikini (Video)

Garrett Hartman — Tue, 28 Sep 2010 15:38:31 +0000

Not surprising at all when you consider it’s Japan. This video from Capcom’s official Youtube Channel features japanese model Izumi Hinata playing Dead Rising 2 in a bikini.

While it’s a great video, I can’t say my eyes ever once focused on the game. Definitely makes playing Dead Rising 2 look ‘fun’.

Source

Ring in the New Year with Boobs and Bayonetta

Dylan Duarte — Wed, 16 Dec 2009 23:20:02 +0000

SEGA and Playboy, two companies that are very similar, are throwing a contest to send one lucky winner to Chicago to ring in the New Year with Bayonetta and Playboy.

To enter the contest, you’ll need to be a member of SEGA Pass, and over the age of 21. If you’re both of those things, go for it! There aren’t many details, but when you throw in lines like “this is your big chance to party with Playboy,” I really don’t think you need anymore details.

It also says that you can get some hands on time with Bayonetta, but I would much rather get some hands on time with something else, if you know what I mean.

(I mean all the ladies.)

Stay Classy, Tecmo

Sam Naylor — Wed, 16 Sep 2009 18:07:28 +0000

This is an advert for Tecmo’s upcoming PS3 game Ninja Gaiden Sigma 2. In the game, you can shake the Sixaxis to make the boobs of one of the characters shake. Obviously this is the biggest selling point of the game, so Tecmo are advertising that, and that alone. Never mind the fact that Ninja Gaiden might actually have good gameplay. Dood, there’s boobs in it.

No-one tell Tecmo that Hideo Kojima already did this a year ago. He was a little more subtle about it, though.

Guitar Hero Commercial, Now With More Boobs — Apology Accepted

Dan Landis — Wed, 05 Nov 2008 08:20:35 +0000

You may or may not remember the cringe-worthy Guitar Hero World Tour commercial filled with sportacular beefcake — I personally can’t get the look of shame from Michael Phelps out of my head. It would seem that the powers that be have heard our cries and replaced these talented schmoes with an equally talented set of boobs: Heidi Klum. That’s not to say that all of her talent consists of boobs — she has a nice ass, too. Go now and watch them shake.

Thank you and you’re welcome. Honestly, though, this commercial is just silly. That whole time she’s taking off her shirt she’s missing at least twelve notes, and when she’s thinking of me and writhing in ecstasy on the couch, she’s totally wasting her star power.

And yes, I am a sexist hypocrite, but you can’t fault me for enjoying some boobs a lot more than I do watching four dudes in their underwear, especially when they are in obvious Michael Phelps facial pain (the dudes, not the boobs).

“Tits always in the pocket” with your iPhone.

Wade Larson — Thu, 25 Sep 2008 00:26:44 +0000

Yes, you read that right. Courtesy of our Japanese friends in… well, Japan, comes an iPhone flash program that simulates mammories for your touching pleasure. If you think that sounds creepy, you’re not alone. It is creepy.

Dubed paiTouch (pai = boobs) the program is a version of a flash program you can check out here. I suppose I should say its NSFW, but it looks nothing like an actual breast. Which, is probably why this guy made it. He hasn’t seen one.

What’ll they come up with next? A pocket pool simulator? God help us if they do.

Source: Gizmondo

Yet Another Reason to Hate Kevin Pereira

Dan Landis — Wed, 24 Sep 2008 03:50:58 +0000

*Picture does not fully represent the envy you will soon feel.

Olivia Munn’s boobs. That’s really all you need to know. Now watch the video.

Yes, I know this was from a week ago. Shut it.

Review: SoulCalibur IV

Dan Landis — Sat, 30 Aug 2008 03:08:47 +0000

Of all the new fighting games being released this year, SoulCalibur IV represents, like, half of them. Considering it doesn’t have much competition, SoulCalibur really didn’t need to try very hard to pillage the average fighting game fan’s cash. Instead of just phoning it in like some series do (*cough, Madden, *cough), Namco Bandai Games has hand-delivered a game that makes Street Fighter 3 Turbo Alpha Pro Edition look like Street Fighter 2 Championship Hyper Tournament Edition.

I personally have been of the belief that the time of the fighting game has come and gone. At some point, there was nothing but fighting games, and all I did was sit around at home and bitch with my brother that there were too many fighters and not enough RPG’s. Then the first-person shooter craze took off, and we sat around playing Mortal Kombat II on the SNES complaining that there were too many shooters… and still not enough RPG’s.

Fast-forward ten years and we have an abundance of RPG’s, and shooters managed to survive somehow (damn shooters!), but the fighting genre has all but died. So now with the release of SoulCalibur IV, we have a rarity amongst rarities — a fighting game that is so kick-ass that I, not being a big fan of fighting games, find myself surprisingly entertained.

Some of you die-hards might read that and think that if a non-fan of fighters likes a fighter, that fighter must not be made for the hardcore fighter fans — and you would be wrong. SoulCalibur IV’s combat system is so deep it needs a lifeguard.

At first I thought that perhaps the geek in me is giving this game automatic cool points just for having Star Wars characters in it… but then I remembered how stupid I thought it was that there are Star Wars characters in it. Don’t get me wrong, Yoda is a dyslexic doofus but a pretty fun character to play, and the Apprentice is fairly awesome as well. Vader, however, seems too “animated” for me, not the lumbering super-force he’s supposed to be.

While having these Star Wars dudes in SoulCalibur is kinda dumb, it does give me the distinct impression that a full-on Star Wars fighter in the vein of SoulCalibur could Force Push some ass. Perhaps a LucasArts/Namco Bandai collaboration is already in the works, and this was just a testing ground? Excited by the possibilities I have become.

So while the Star Wars characters are an on-the-fence feature, SoulCalibur IV has plenty of awesomeness to make up for it. The game presents multiple game modes: Story mode gives you a little narrative about your chosen character’s journey and how it relates to the swords Soul Calibur and Soul Edge; Arcade mode is essentially, as you’d imagine, just like playing in the arcade, where you plow through a series of combatants to beat the game with the best score; and the Tower of Lost Souls is basically a survival mode, where you ascend or descend the tower for unique rewards.

All of these modes can also be played with a customized character. Customization is both visual and statistical — the pieces of armor, accessories, and weapon all affect the attack, defense, and hit points of your character. They also may offer points in the different areas of special skill, like Impact, Power, Gauge, etc.

These skill points can be spent on the skills themselves, which can do anything from absorbing HP to increasing the chance you will automatically counter a grapple attempt. It’s quite the balancing act to get your character to not only look cool, but to also have the points available to buy all of the skills you want.

The special skills and stat bonuses don’t apply in Arcade mode, however, because Arcade mode is essentially the pristine ranked version of SoulCalibur IV. If you are planning on competing in Arcade mode, you might as well make an alternate version of your character that focuses mainly on looking like a total douche, just because it’s fun.

See how stupid you can make them look? Oh, wait…

One of the most impressive things I experienced with my created character was the ending cinematic in Story mode. When it first started, I thought to myself “That can’t possibly be in-engine graphics” but it obviously was because there’s no way they could have predicted what my character looked like to make a pre-rendered movie. It was amazing, and it really motivated me to want to unlock more customization parts so that my character in the scene would look that much cooler.

Character customization can be used not only to create your very own combatant, but you can also customize the already-included fighters, with some exceptions. For example, you can put all of Nightmare’s armor pieces on Astaroth and then give him a nice pair of bifocals to complete the outfit. You can’t, however, customize any of the bonus characters, which includes most of the unlockables as well as the Star Wars characters.

I tried to make a custom character right off the bat but found that I had very little options. At first I was pissed and thought the creation tools sucked. I played through the Story mode once, and then went back to the character creator to find that I now had more parts. The moral of the story is that you should play the game first before you start trying to change it.

After managing to make it through the Story mode that first time, I realized that I had very little idea what I was doing. I loaded up Training and looked through the moves list. One of the things I noticed that wasn’t really explained anywhere and didn’t show up in the moves list is that your fighter attacks differently depending on how he/she is standing. My fighter would stand differently after certain attacks, which would cause some future attacks to also be different until I found myself back in my default stance.

Adding to that complexity is the Soul Gauge (Force Gauge for Star Wars characters), which depletes as you block attacks (or use Force powers) and gradually refills over time and as you land successful attacks. If your Soul Gauge is depleted, it flashes red and makes you susceptible to a Soul Crush, which essentially puts you in a Mortal Kombat-style “Finish Him!” sort of defenselessness.

Once you are Soul Crushed, your opponent can destroy you in one ultra-powerful move called a Critical Finish. The Star Wars characters, apparently having no soul, cannot be Soul Crushed and instead become dizzy and uncontrollable if their Force Gauge is depleted.

Critical Finishers are pretty impressive.

One might think that this immunity to being Soul Crushed makes the Star Wars characters kinda cheap fighters, but you’d be wrong. The only way to get Soul Crushed is by blocking a lot, and blocking is for pussies. So basically, don’t be a pussy and you will actually have an advantage over them.

Another advanced technique is the Guard Impact, which stops the attack completely instead of just blocking it. This move is something that a non-blocking non-pussy like myself would never use, and that’s a big reason why I will never enter a SoulCalibur IV tournament. Blocking, dodging, and Guard Impacting are all above the relative button-mashing and special-spamming that I find to be all that I am capable of.

If you do find yourself being a big pussy and deciding to block all the time, Guard Impact is definitely a better option. Not only does it give you an advantage, but it also prevents your soul from getting crushed and your armor from breaking. When your armor breaks, you take more damage if attacked in that area, and you also take shame-over-time damage from having your underoos exposed.

This is a situation where some people might cry “pervert” in addition to the game supposedly being so focused on top-heavy chicks. To be honest, I really didn’t notice the boobage too much while playing since the action is so furious, and if anyone cared enough to look at these girls in the near-nude, they could just take all of their clothes off in the character creation menu and even change what style they were wearing.

Ironically, my unintelligent non-pussy fighting style has won me more games than it has lost. Taking the game online via Xbox Live, I found the battles to be virtually lag-free. Knowing what I know about Xbox Live and myself, however, I kept the headset off just in case I found myself calling some kid a pussy because he repeatedly used that cursed Guard Impact on me.

SoulCalibur IV also features local multiplayer, but there was one thing I didn’t like about it. SoulCalibur IV only loads one save file, so even if a friend brings his memory card with his custom character on it, there is no way we can make him fight against my custom character. This is something that should be a relatively easy thing to accomplish, and it baffles me that we’re unable to do it.

One final thing I want to mention is that SoulCalibur IV has a fairly complex (if a bit convoluted) storyline that stretches back through all of the previous games. It’s surprising the amount of lore involved, and it goes above and beyond the story of pretty much every other fighting game, with the closest competition being Mortal Kombat.

SoulCalibur IV’s Museum menu lets you look at the “Chain of Souls” which shows how all of the characters are connected to each other, and it also lets you view unlocked cinematics, artwork, and your fight statistics.

Overall, SoulCalibur IV is a highly polished fighting game that has surprising depth while still remaining accessible to non-fighters like myself. The lag-free online versus battles give the game the longevity it needs to make it worth the price of games these days, and the character customization keeps the single-player modes relevant and worth revisiting just to unlock more parts.

The only thing really missing is the Weapon Master mode from SoulCalibur 2, but it could arguably be stated that the Tower of Lost Souls and Story mode feature most of what Weapon Master mode used to be. Regardless, SoulCalibur IV stands as one of the best fighting games I’ve ever played, and will likely be the best brawler on a console until Street Fighter IV attempts to dethrone it… which it might not be able to do.

Zombies to Attack San Fran… With Their Boobs!

Dan Landis — Fri, 15 Aug 2008 05:47:12 +0000

San Francisco is apparently a hotspot for zombie activity. With several zombie attacks in recent memory, a group of daring individuals devised a plan to funnel all of the undead Rice-A-Roni’s into a secure location. This Saturday, August 16th, radio-attraktor towers will be powered on that will telepathically guide the zombies to an “undisclosed location” where they will be dealt with.

One warning, though: The radio-attraktors will cause the zombies to crave duct tape instead of human flesh, so don’t traipse about San Francisco with any duct tape on you unless you desire to be living impaired.

(May be somewhat unsafe for work)

The San Francisco Zombie Mob put out a warning that stated:

We will turn on the radio-attraktor towers at 2:05pm on Saturday, August 16th. All zombies in the area will be telepathically compelled to march down a route which we will disclose in a future email. The radio waves will also cause undead to crave duct tape instead of human flesh. If you are unfortunate enough to be standing along the route with a duct tape “X” on your torso, you will be attacked and consumed by the horde, after which you will be one of them. Don’t wear your favorite shirt.

Please, please tell your friends and family not to be anywhere near the route at 2:05pm this Saturday! Have them sign up for updates or follow the movement live on Twitter with up-to-the-minute zombie migration forecast, Beijing Olympic protest style. If we loose radio control of the mob, the result will be catastrophically gruesome!

Here’s some video showing the ghastly event from last year:

I don’t know how any of these zombie girls make it through the day without being sexually harassed, what with all the biting and clothes-ripping. Seems to me this is a zombie lawsuit waiting to happen. Perhaps they just didn’t think about that and, dare I say, bit off more than they could chew? Har har har!

These zombie chicks are either having a great time or feel incredibly violated (it’s always hard to tell with zombie chicks).

In all seriousness, though, I find this to be incredibly irresponsible. What will we do when the zombies really do attack? We will all be laughing and videotaping and talking about how real it looks. Haven’t you ever heard the story of the boy who cried “zombie”? These shenanigans need to stop!

MK vs DCU: Watermark Almost Ruins Perfectly Good Catwoman Boob Shot

Chad Lakkis — Mon, 30 Jun 2008 00:17:56 +0000

That watermark reminds me of trying to watch scrambled HBO as a kid…

The website Total Mortal Kombat (the ones who put a giant watermark over the boobs) claim to have received an advance render of Catwoman from the yet to be released Mortal Kombat vs. DC Universe game.

While this could very well be a fake, Owen Good, over at Kotaku, says that he did some extensive research on the in-ter-nets in an attempt to disprove it before posting, but was unable to do so.

Fake or not, the watermarks in this photo couldn’t have been in a worse place. Just a hair higher and this photo would be worthless. Seriously, who thought that would be a good idea? There is no good reason to do this. Not even if you are on the receiving end of an exclusive video game render. Find somewhere else to put the watermark and let those kittens breathe!

From this point forward, we need to unite as gamers and bloggers alike — promising to live by the following golden rule — Thou shall never watermark a perfectly good set of boobs! Words to live by my friends.

Get a closer look at the twin kittens after the purr….errr jump.

…and remember, what do we do with boobs? We let them breathe.

Source: Guess who? [via Kotaku]

Tomb Raider: Underworld Confirmed For November Release

John Kershaw — Mon, 23 Jun 2008 00:08:50 +0000

The official site for Tomb Raider: Underworld has been launched by Eidos this weekend, bringing with it conformation that the title will be released this November across all current-gen platforms as well as the PS2 and DS.

Packed with podcasts, forums, theme tunes and screen shots, the new site provides more Lara than even the keenest action-archaeologist could want. There is also a brief outline of the new quest you will be undertaking, which from what we can tell contains swimwear and the Norse underworld.

With E3 just around the corner and Eidos promising to let us have a look at the brand new title at the show, it looks like the hype wagon is slowly beginning its long journey into November.

Check out the new site here.

The Hypocrisy Surrounding Bewbs

Dan Landis — Wed, 18 Jun 2008 18:34:26 +0000

This is apparently not an encounter most people would enjoy.

There has been a lot of hubbub recently concerning the depiction of naked female boobage in the recently released MMO Age of Conan. U.S. gamers fought to keep the nipples in the game, but now it appears they don’t want to actually see them. What gives?

I recently received a copy of Age of Conan (thanks Zungre!) and immediately made a female character to check out what the big deal is. In respectable fashion, I named my avatar Bewbs. The character starts the game in essentially a swimsuit, and that’s just not my style so I took it off.

I ran through the little starter area topless, picking up loin cloths, weapons, gold teeth, and a few chest pieces which I refused to wear. That’s just not how Bewbs rolls. I finally make it to the first little multiplayer hub, the city of Tortage, and find myself assaulted by a good number of people who are apparently not happy to see Bewbs.

The first player to talk to me in the game called me a dumbass. I asked him why I was a dumbass and he said it was because I was topless. See the following screenshot for a brief snippet of our conversation:

I obviously blurred out the irrelevant “New Player” chat channel, and I thought about blurring out this dude’s name to protect the stupid, but you know what? Fuck that guy.

I asked him if he knew anything about the Conan universe and he didn’t respond. I asked him how old he was and he didn’t respond. I asked him why he was playing an M-rated game if he didn’t want to see boobs. He responded, finally, and said that he likes M-rated games for the violence, and he prefers this game over World of Warcraft because of the blood and dismemberment.

Here we go again… Why is it that people are okay with chopping off heads, but seeing some titties bothers them? Doesn’t that seem backwards? After the nerd outcry on the AoC forums at the thought of removing boobs from the U.S. version, we Freedom Fries-eating gamers got our way. After all of that, however, we are apparently not happy to see the nipples we fought so hard to keep.

After I thought about this, I began to wonder why this is occurring. Why do WoW gamers get upset when they see an elf dancing on a mailbox in her underwear? Why now do people yell at me for having my fun-bags out? To be honest, I have no answer to these questions.

It’s obvious that the women of AoC go topless quite often, or at the very least they don’t wear bras. You can see evidence of this in the lack of tanlines and the overall low-set positioning of their boobs. Those puppies are apparently not very often supported.

After running around the town for a little while, I noticed something else: I was the only female player character. I sat at the entrance to the town for a good 15 minutes, watching as people came in and left, waiting for another pair of boobs. I never saw them. Every other player character that I noticed during my playtime so far has been male.

So what’s the deal here? What is going on with this community of gamers? I read recently that the character animations for females supposedly take 25% longer, which means they attack 25% slower and do 25% less damage in the same amount of time compared to the men. This has yet to be officially confirmed, but FunCom is “looking into it”.

Could this be the reason there are no females, or is there something decidedly more sexist going on? Do people not want to roll a chick because they are “inferior”, because they don’t want people to ask to see their boobs, or is it because they want to roleplay as a man and get the chicks as opposed to playing as one?

My character doesn’t wear a top because I choose not to, not that it would do much good anyways since I’m a magic-user that can only equip cloth armor. I would much rather just distract my enemies with my awesome tits. This is an option, by design, that FunCom put in the game, so why does anyone care if I’m exposed, and why the fuck are these people playing a Conan game if they don’t want to see naked breasts!? Conan, by definition, means “topless”, both men and women. Conan without boobs is like Batman without a batsuit.

What do you think about Age of Conan’s boobs? What about sex in games in general? Do you think Microsoft will allow boobs in the Xbox 360 version of the game, and given this experience, do you think it even matters?