Japanese Toy Cures Cancer, Saves Marriages

Dan Landis — Mon, 07 Jul 2008 08:27:20 +0000

Coming this July… A toy like no other toy in the history of forever… A plastic stopwatch the likes of which is barely even fathomable… Nothing can prepare you for the experience you receive in just five seconds with this thing. Nothing, except perhaps the commercial.

For the sake of this article, I’m going to refer to this thing as “The 5-Second Stopwatch,” or 5-SS. We at least know there is a 5 there in the front, and the rest probably doesn’t make any sense anyways. I mean, it can’t make sense if the commercial is any indication.

Judging from what we just witnessed, the ability to accurately time five seconds exactly will make you whole again. This commercial clearly shows that your meals will become beer fests, you will be able to jump small trees in a single bound, and fights with your significant other will transform into full-body joy spasms.

Not only that, if you are decrpit and brittle, 5-SS will make you strong. If you’ve been shot, 5-SS will eat the bullets and fill your holes. If you are emotionally disturbed, 5-SS will buy you flowers and help you vent your feelings of abandonment. You will never be alone again, as hunks in pink speedos and Power Ranger rejects will hang out and pressure you into playing patty-cake with a midget ninja.

Who could possibly wait until the 26th of July to feel this magic? I know I sure can’t! Lucky for you there’s a link RIGHT HERE that takes you to a fantasy realm where you can experience life in 5-second increments of virtual awesomeness. “Ready?”

Gamer Lacks Eyeballs, Kicks Ass Anyways

Dan Landis — Fri, 04 Jul 2008 15:09:12 +0000

Kids sometimes like to gloat and say they will pwn you with their eyes closed, but this kid means it. After having his eyes surgically removed, he relearned how to do everything without the use of his vision, relying instead on echolocation. His television must have some pretty awesome surround sound then, because he is somehow able to play videogames without ever seeing the screen.

Ben Underwood was diagnosed with cancer when he was just two years old. After a few unsuccessful rounds of chemotherapy, he ended up losing both of his eyes. He now uses echolocation to get around his lack of sight. Basically, he makes clicking sounds and determines the direction, distance, and size of objects around him based on the echoes he hears back. He is essentially a real-life Daredevil that sees using sonar.

Of all the things I assumed you could do with this ability, I never thought you would be able to play videogames. I mean, logistically, you NEED to be able to see the screen to know what’s going on. How could you possibly relate distance and direction from this 2D area? Is the sound work in videogames really accurate to the point that it’s possible to play without vision? These video will answer those questions:

Okay, so he is apparently some kind of X-Man. It’s probably genetic considering his mom’s name is Aquanetta, which means she can either communicate with fish or she has an uncanny ability to stiffen your hairdo. You may also have noticed that “this week’s People magazine” was from like, two years ago, but that’s completely irrelevant so shut up.

Ben remained cancer-free for the next 15 years, but it has unfortunately reared it’s ugly head again. A new website has gone up to help Ben, aptly named HelpBen.com. You can donate to Ben’s cause, or you can just follow the links to find out more about this amazing kid and his inspirational attitude.

Keep rockin’, Ben. We here at Ripten wish you all the best.

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Editor’s Update: Sadly, Ben Underwood lost his fight with Cancer and passed away Monday, January 19th 2009, at the age of 16. If you would like to learn more about Ben’s life and those he touched please visit benunderwood.com. Chad-