Children and the modern Christmas do not mix. The amount of advertising stuffing electronic items into their chubby little cheeks fills me with a wistful sense of nonchalance. Children are spoilt, Christmas is ruled by consumerism, and the older generation isn’t down with the kids. These truths are summed up with one granny’s generosity.

Just to make it clear, when the old timer says “wee box” she does not mean a commode, or potty. “Wee” is a Scottish word for little. Nonetheless, receiving a potty for Christmas after you had asked for a Wii or an Xbox would be just as amusing.

Aye, Nintendo are playing a cruel worldwide prank by making us pronounce “wee” in embarrassing sentences. “I’m going to play with my Wii now Mummy”; “I really really want a Wii Daddy”. “Go to the toilet then you eejit!”

The Nintendo executives who created the name will be found standing in their shiny offices, pointing at their winkies and miming the taking of a “wee wee”. In truth, all Nintendo is really doing is pissing money. Enjoy the skit.

As of Wednesday the 26th, my experience with Xbox LIVE could best be described as “inconsistent”. I am randomly and sporadically kicked off of the service, and by that, I mean any time I try to do something — anything.

To make sure this wasn’t an isolated case of shitty broadband service on the part of my cable provider, or a local “malfunction”, I rang up some friends in various parts of the country to see if they were having similar issues — they were.

Around noon today, my annoyance got the best of me, and I called up 1-800-4my-xbox. I was greeted, as always, by the never-helpful automated super-dork — Max.

I’ve been down this road before, so I know to skip past his bullshit by spouting off “Agent” a hundred times until he finally gets the hint.

Anyhow, long story short, the agent tells me that the Xbox LIVE servers are having difficulty dealing with the massive influx of users that apparently got a 360 for Christmas. “Seriously?” I asked. “Yes, seriously” he responded.

In fact, it’s such a problem, that they have temporarily disabled the ability to create a new LIVE account. I went ahead and tried to create an account (out of curiosity) and I wasn’t able to.

I am unsure if this is the “official” Microsoft stance regarding the issue, but it does seem logical, and it did come straight from the mouth of a Microsoft employee — Tier 3 even! His Thetan levels must be off the chart.

The agent estimated that the problems will be fixed by the end of the weekend, if not by the end of the night. So I guess I just want to say “thank you” to Microsoft for making such a killer system. If it weren’t so awesome, I might actually be able to sign into the Chromehounds servers and, you know, play some freaking games.

Over at Cinematic Happenings Under Development, where the merry movie-goers know the real meaning of Christmas, they’ve put together some of the most memorable, and forgettable holiday-themed games.

A couple of these games might seem familiar to old-school types, like the adorable Christmas versions of Nights and Lemmings, but some, like the official GBA game based on The Christmas Clause 3, are about as likable as rancid gingerbread.

Check out the list and let us know which holiday versions you have fond memories of, and which ones you’d like to see. How about Gears of War at the North Pole?

Source: Chud.com

But what’s even crazier about Haze is that it has had more release dates than a Guns and Roses’ concert. And just like a Guns and Roses’ concert, the closer we get to a release date the further it gets pushed back.

If my memory serves me right, the last release date for Haze was December 4th 2007 and just before we hit December, it was pushed back into “Q1 of 08″.

Haze was also rumoured to be released in February, but boy do we have some good news for you. Found on Play.com’s Playstation 3 section is a countdown for a Haze release date. The best part about this is that it tells us that the game is coming out in only 28 Days. And 28days later is January 18th!

So if Play.com is to be believed, play it smart this Christmas and keep some cash for next month, as Haze is one title not to be missed on the PS3.

More good news for Nintendo comes as these sales have, for the first time, pushed the DS install base over that of the Xbox 360 in the UK.

Selling 185,000 units in the first week of December, followed by over 200,000 units last week, the DS is proving all predictions right and is on track to become the must have toy this season.

The Wii is selling its fair share too, shifting more than 100,000 units just last week alone. Not bad when you consider the TV adverts for the Wii have been pulled in the UK following fears of stock shortages.

Source: GamesIndustry.biz

Is any song of the Christmas season less relatable than the Twelve Days of Christmas? Since when does Christmas have 12 days? How wealthy would you have to be to afford gifts like 5 gold rings or 12 pipers piping?

On the fourth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:

Old gift: 4 calling birds

Analysis: 4 gifts you will eventually have to bury.

New Gift: 4 HDTV’s

Analysis: The building blocks for the perfect game room.

Ok, you’re going to have to bear with me here, because this is going to be complete nerdage. Actually what made me start doing this 12 days of Christmas revised for gamers was the obsession I’ve had lately for creating an epic game room I’d call the Game Vault.

The main feature of the Game Vault would be its 4 HDTV’s optimally placed for competitive gaming. So for the fourth day of christmas, if i really did have a wealthy person bestowing gifts upon me, I’m taking four 50” 1080p Samsung beasts.

Why four? Because in my mind it’s the optimum number for local multi player games. Four Xbox 360’s, four HDTV’s, four leather couches, four bags of Cool Ranch Dorritos, four sturdy gnarled oak coffee tables, and four teams of four for Team Slayer on Valhalla. It’s what I dream of guys.

The four TV’s would be arranged in what I think would be the optimum one room set up: the “I Form”. This diagram, which looks to be drawn by a toddler (but was actually drawn by me trying my hardest) will give you a glimpse of the possible greatness.

Legend:

A: HDTV “I” form set up

B: Leather Couches

C. Bank Vault entrance

D. Over-dramatic Industrial Switch

The “I Form” provides some seclusion for each team of four to plan their strategy and guard against dirty screen watching while also providing enough proximity to yell insults and scream at your friends.

And, what would be even more Johnny Quest amazing? When I reach for the beat up industrial box on the wall, and flip the over-dramatic looking red switch inside, setting in motion the motorized tracks attached to each TV! The 4 border-less HDTV’s then form a giant screen, and the couches line up into theatre seating for single player games, Rock Band sessions, or some Wii sports with the chicas.

I’m also thinking some bamboo or ancient japanese weapons to accent the darkly painted walls, original Frank Miller art, and an adjoining kitchen for the purpose of speed and easy access. Throw on an authentic circular bank vault for a door, and I think we have the perfect gaming room.

As for names, I’m leaning towards the “Game Vault” or “Post-Apocalyptic Game Haven” because of my love for the Fallout series, but with a game room like this, the name could really be anything.

You know, maybe 16 screens would be better. That way every team member would get their own screen. What am i saying? Lets not get crazy here!

12 Days of Christmas, for Gamers: 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12

Is any song of the Christmas season less relatable than the Twelve Days of Christmas? Since when does Christmas have 12 days? How wealthy would you have to be to afford gifts like 5 gold rings or 12 pipers piping?

On the third day of Christmas my true love gave to me:

Old Gift: 3 French Hens

Analysis: Unpatriotic. Go eat a crepe.

New Gift: 3 changes to the Video Game Awards.

Analysis: Desperately needed.

So, even though it was a week back, here’s three tips to help the VGA creators connect with gamers next time.

1. Show all the awards.

This is what stunned me most about the VGA’s. They didn’t show the majority of the awards. They recapped them, in about a minute. Honestly, it felt kind of insulting. Especially when they followed the recap with a painfully longer segment featuring Tila Tequila choosing which next gen console she wanted to love.

It’s an awards show. Show the awards.

2. Choose hosts who are passionate and sincere about games.

The VGA’s were chock full of celebs and psuedo-celebs, most of which didn’t seem excited or truthful about their love for games. That coupled with the very model heavy look of the audience lent to an air insincerity. Even Samuel L., as cool as he is, hosted with an air of being above the awards, or games in general.

I don’t know about you guys, but i can kind of feel when someone is bluffing about the love of our favorite past time. But seriously, choose celebs who actually do love games and give them some freedom to nerd out about them.

Also, some of the guests and hosts who did seem to know a thing about games seemed to be trying too hard for the laugh. I would suggest taking the comedic pressure off them a little bit and let them focus at actually introducing the awards that they probably feel honored in introducing.

3. Remember that this is about games and honoring their creators.

Bioshock beat out Halo 3 for game of the year! That’s freaking huge! But not to anyone at the VGA’s, seemingly. Why didn’t we get any long shots of Bungies’ table while the creators of Bioshock were giving their awards speech, you always get those dramatic shots at the Academy awards or the Emmy’s. Did anyone even care?

I thought the game exclusive peeks were a great idea. i loved seeing the trailer for Borderlands and hear crazy ol’ Don King announce a new boxing game. Add to that. Get the developers and the publishers involved. Get Bungie to show sneak peeks of new multiplayer maps. Tell Rockstar to get some hype going for the L.A. Noir trailer or GTA gameplay that they’ll be debuting. Get the guys at Infinity Ward to rally their fanbase to support them by watching the awards. And forget trying to tie in the MTV crowd with stars from current shows.

And lastly, lets honor the creators of the games like other legit awards shows do. Honor the people that have worked so hard. I have nothing but respect for the guys at Infinity Ward or Bungie. Lets let them feel that they really have achieved as much as they have. Maybe the “crazy smoking monky” award really isn’t the way to go. The people winning those crazy smoking monkey awards are netting a lot more cash than the guys winning the little golden statues this year. Maybe it’s time for a reality check and a little bit of a respect upgrade.

On the third day of Christmas my true love game to me:

Three changes to the VGA’s

Two Kane & Lynch’s

And a Video game loving girlfriend.

12 Days of Christmas, for Gamers: 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12

Is any song of the Christmas season less relatable than the Twelve Days of Christmas? Since when does Christmas have 12 days? How wealthy would you have to be to afford gifts like 5 gold rings or 12 pipers piping?

On the second day of Christmas my true love gave to me:

Old Gift: Two Turtle doves.

Analysis: Scary. The horrific result of turtles and doves getting it on.

New gift: Two copies of Kane and Lynch

One of the ear marks of this generation’s video games is the push to move towards more co-op gameplay. Taking down Scarabs in Halo 3 with one buddy in my room and one buddy from across the city, talking to us through my TV, was one of the greatest gaming experiences I’ve ever had and totally got me on the co-op loving bandwagon.

And I’d like to board that bandwagon again, playing Kane and Lynch. The problem is that I can’t find anyone to play with.

And that made me think about how many problems Co-op intended games are going to run into, if not handled properly. I would have bought a copy of Kane and Lynch the week it came out if i had one, just one, friend that was on board with me. But since I don’t, and I know that, like Halo 3, I won’t get the full game experience if I don’t play the campaign cooperatively, I’m not going to buy it.

One of my buddies once said, “So what game are we all going to buy next?” That made me realize that the way we buy games has completely changed. Some gamers will only buy the games that will allow them to kill or kill with their friends.

And since we are going to be buying games as groups, this gives us gamers power that marketers wish they had. We are going to act as salespeople for our favorite games, probably more than the actually salespeople will. If one or two of my Xbox Live friends are getting a game, then there is a high chance that i will purchase it too. The biggest gift that Santa may be giving to us for this coming year is a job as a game marketer to our friends.

We will decide if a game like EA’s upcoming Army of Two succeeds or fails. They market it us well, and we’ll market it to our friends well.

Unfortunately, I feel that co-op emphasis is going to widen the sales gap between blockbusters like Halo 3 and undersellers like Kayne and Lynch. Think about it, one of the reasons Halo 3 was that if you want to play campaign on co-op, there’s a good chance that one of your friends will own the game and actually be on live playing it. But how much fun is co-op when no one wants to play?

And while we’re on the topic, how weird is it that we’ll now have to schedule time with our friends to go through a co-op campaign. And is it a breech in the friendship if play ahead? But that’s all irrelevant if i can’t convince my buddy to by the same game.

I hope EA’s marketing blows us away for Army of Two. I hope it has the hype of Assassin’s Creed. That way I won’t have to waste my 2nd day of Christmas on it next year.

And so on the second day of Christmas, could you give to me two copies of Kane and Lynch, so I don’t have to hard sell a game to my buddies?

12 Days of Christmas, for Gamers: 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12

Is any song of the Christmas season less relatable than the Twelve Days of Christmas? Since when does Christmas have 12 days? How wealthy would you have to be to afford gifts like 5 gold rings or 12 pipers piping?

Also, what the hell is a lord-a-leaping? Why are half the gifts bird themed? Is there really a person who, after receiving 6 different bird species would say, “No honey, I wanted MORE birds”?

The only thing to be taken away from this archaic carol is the fact that Christmas would probably be a lot sweeter if we had someone wealthy giving us gifts for twelve days. Especially if the number of gifts we got went up with every subsequent day. But the best would be if this generous person themed the gifts around video games.

On the First day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:

Old Gift: A partridge in a pear tree.

Analysis: Strange.

plus

Ugly bird. Depressing tree.

Is this a fully grown pear tree? Or one of those cards that says they planted a tree for you this Christmas as your Christmas present? Because that’s just lame.

I think most gamers would prefer these:

yum yum gaming rocking chair

New Gaming Gift: The video game loving Girlfriend.

Analysis: Awesome.

My buddy told me a story of a girl who worked a job for 5 months, accumulated a load of cash and then took off two months to do nothing but play Everquest, morning to midnight. She did a similar thing for Counterstrike. That’s amazing, but maybe all you need is a girl that really loves games, someone who will help you figure out how to find the weak spot on a colossus or find the big key in the water temple.

I had the pleasure of having a girlfriend similar to this. Marvel at this sampled dialogue below.
Game: The Legend of Zelda: A Link to the Past

Me: Link is so tough.

Girlfriend: I don’t think Link is tough, I think he’s just brave.

Me: Wow. Hmm… I think you’re right.

She could have said, “I don’t know who Link is, I want new boots.” Instead, the Video Game Loving girlfriend correctly analyzed Link’s strongest qualities.

Game: X-men Legends

My friend: Wolverine’s powers all depend on his healing factor. Think about it, even when he pops his claws, they’re ripping through the flesh in his arms and knuckles.

Girlfriend: What about his sense of smell?

My friend: His heightened senses? Um…well…

Me: I think she just out-nerded you, buddy.

She could have said, “You guys are such nerds, you should probably be punished for taking joy in the things you take joy in.” Instead, the Video Game Loving girlfriend not only affirmed our nerdy discussion, but also lent her own nerdiness to it.

However, one thing we must realize about the Video Game Loving girlfriend is that she is still in fact, a girl. And that may mean that she won’t want you to be the Dark Jedi. She might want to play Animal Crossing instead of Call of Duty and you’ll have to be sensitive to that. She may even accuse you of “going home early to spend time with your virtual girlfriends in San Andreas.” That’s a toughy to get out of.

In the end, you’ve hurt my real relationships, hon.

And lastly, it’s important to remember that it may be a red flag if the Game Loving girlfriend starts loving games more than you. I know some would argue the pyramid example, that as you get closer to your love of games at the top of the pyramid, you get closer in your love for each other.

But, just to be cautious, I’d have a sit down meeting with her to let her know that you trust her even though she’s been spending so much time with so many strong male protagonists, like the ones in Halo or Final Fantasy. Remember, Master Chief is tall. Cloud is charismatic. Make sure she’s not too attached to them.

Even with this in mind, a game loving girlfriend is still much better than a dirty bird in a depressing fruit tree.

12 Days of Christmas, for Gamers: 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12

In a conference call this morning, Nintendo’s executive mangod Reginald Fils-Aime announced the implementation of a “Wii Raincheck” program for parents or gamers unable to find a console this Christmas.

Nintendo is partnering with Gamestop on this one, selling “tens-of-thousands” of reserve slips through individual stores. You’ll have to go to your local shop and pay for a Wii in full if you want to receive one, which guarantees you a console in January.

Of course, it won’t do much to assuage your recipient’s disappointment come the morning of the 25th. Don’t expect any N64-kid style outbursts when they find a mere certificate under the tree. Rather, it seems like a good way to pad Nintendo’s bottom line (and console sales) for the month of December, as what you’re essentially doing is “pre-ordering” a system a year-plus after its launch.

Nonetheless, we can see a lot of people taking advantage of this new program, effectively cutting out what might’ve been competitor console purchases made to get something in time for Chirstmas.

Good news, though, is that there will apparently be plenty of Wiis this weekend, so call your local retailers and ask or check out your Sunday-morning circulars for details (of course, by then it may just be too late!).

[Source: Wired Game|Life]

When do we get to go Home? Christmas is a time to be at Home with the family, so we can only hope that Sony gives us a present too. Wishful thinking maybe, but Christmas would be the perfect time. What better way to get away from the trials and tribulations of family bother, than to bury your attention into perfectly creating Father Christmas or Gary Glitter in Playstation Home and then making him dance like a numpty!

Well with that in mind, here’s a recent tour of Playstation Home, showing off some of the most in depth character customisation outside of Mass Effect.