RipTen Videogame Blog » Cole Train

RipTen’s Guide to Becoming a Typical Video Game Protagonist (For Men)

Ripten Staff — Fri, 31 Dec 2010 03:00:56 +0000

By RipTen Contributor Justin Carter

At some point, we’ve all wanted to be that bad ass character in a video game. After all, who wouldn’t want to perform death-defying stunts, kill people in exotic locations, and get to nail the hot babe at the end of it all? If you wanna get started, here’s what you need.

1. A Checkered or Tragic Past

The best video game protagonists are usually men who are running away from something or have a tragic event looming over their heads that they refuse to let go of. Critics and gamers love characters like John Marston, Sam Fisher, and Kratos not just because of what they do, but also because of the defining moments that solidify them as great characters. For you newcomers, being betrayed by someone you called your friend or leaving a person to die are your best bets at the moment. Amnesia also works – so feel free to hit yourself in the head with something.

2. Be a Decent to Attractive-Looking White Male

Take a look at most of the memorable video game characters from the past ten years. Never mind those forgettable races, like blacks or Asians. Women!? Pfffft, their only job is to start out hostile and then gradually fall in love with you, man! It also helps if you have some sort of visible scar somewhere. Hair and clothing are optional. Age isn’t that big a deal either, but early 20′s to mid 30′s will make it more likely for you to get picked up. Exceptions may be made for CJ from San Andreas and the Cole Train – if they ever give the brother his own game.

3. Take More Bullets to the Body Than Physically Possible and Still Survive

What are these round, silvery things that attempt to penetrate your rock hard abs? Haha, foolish mortals! All you have to do is hide behind something for a few seconds and you’ll be good as new! Whereas most normal people would go to a hospital and get the wounds stitched up and bullets plucked out, you just concentrate behind a crate and those wounds will vanish all on their own! It also helps if you can inexplicably operate all sorts of heavy weaponry even though you’ve had no prior military training.

4. Be Voiced by Nolan North

Who voices Nathan Drake? Nolan North. Desmond Miles? Nolan North. The Prince of Persia? Nolan North. The examples are endless, and you should have the pleasure of owning his voice as well in your upcoming epic saga. His voice can go from cocky to melodious to raspy in the blink of an eye, and it’s perfect for whatever type of character you want to end up as. However, if you’re a heavy smoker you may also want to consider David Hayter.

5. Near the End, Hint Towards a Sequel

Doesn’t matter whether or not you get it, just do it. Have the bad guy mysteriously come back to life, a plot-related device go missing, stumble upon a time machine, something!! As long as you hint toward further adventures, you’re sure to get a sequel in the near future. Look at games look Psychonauts and Brutal Legend, even they’re getting sequels in a few years and Tim Schafer is pretty much broke!

6. Get Betrayed by Someone at Some Point in the Game

Ok, this one is pretty much crucial to your staying power. Best friend, female accomplice, that guy who talks to you about the weather, just bet your awesome healing powers that you’ll end up with some trust issues by the time everything’s said and done. For maximum emotional impact, be sure to try and turn them back to your side so they don’t die; on the off chance that does work, be sure to bring up their betrayal constantly, because they’ll just love that.

7. Wear Some Sort of Headgear

It’ll make you look rough and seem like you’ve been on the dark side of the streets at some point. Whether it’s goggles, shades, a cowboy hat, a bandana, or even a space marine helmet, just find something that you can wear on your friggin’ head frequently – And do not under any circumstances – ever – take it off. If you do, they won’t show your face until you put it back on.

So, there you have it. Follow these 7 easy steps and you’ll be well on your way to becoming the video game leading man of your dreams!!

Stay tuned for, “RipTen’s Guide to Becoming a Typical Video Game Protagonist (For Women)”

Gears of War 3 Public Beta Announced with Epic Multiplayer and Execution Footage

Garrett Hartman — Thu, 07 Oct 2010 15:32:29 +0000

That’s right Gears heads, Epic Games has revealed Gears of War 3 will have a public beta early next year. Epic’s Ron Fergusion explained earlier this week to the press how they’ve always wanted to do a public beta and that this would give them the feedback neccessary to improve the game.

Recently, it was announced that Gears of War 3′s release date would be changed to fall of next year. This extra time obviously allows for the beta, feedback and adjustments neccessary to create a polished product.

There’s been no word on when the beta might take place nor has there been a specific date given for Gears of War 3′s release.

Enjoy these Epic multiplayer videos! For stunning Screenshots click here.

Grains of War Cereal: Woot Woot Baby!

Chad Lakkis — Sat, 06 Dec 2008 01:02:38 +0000

Tired of boring breakfast cereal? Thinking of remodeling your kitchen? Well, if you answered yes to both of these questions, Cole Train has the breakfast pick-me-up you’ve been looking for baby! Hit the jump for a COG sized scoop of sugary goodness.

Anabolic steriods as a free prize in the box? It’s a shame we didn’t all have something this awesome for breakfast growing up.

Ripten’s Gears of War Movie Poster Fan Art

Chad Lakkis — Sun, 26 Oct 2008 08:24:37 +0000

So yeah, I was bored and the lack of news coming over the wire convinced me to pop open Adobe Photoshop and mess around for a while. One thing lead to another, and a few hours later I ended up with my own little Gears of War Movie poster. Dan Landis added his two cents on the casting over Skype.

Yes, we know that Kilmer is currently a bit on the heavy side, and Batista may not be the best actor on the face of the planet, but we figured what the fuck — they sure as hell look the part. Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson and Lester “Terry Tate” Speight were obvious choices. To be perfectly clear, the Gears of War movie has NOT been officially cast yet, these are merely our “shooting the shit” selections.

Hit the jump for a high res version and make sure to let me know what you think of it in the comment section below. Thanks guys.

(CLICK IMAGE TO ENLARGE)

The Watercooler – 25 October 2008

Dan Landis — Sat, 25 Oct 2008 11:04:49 +0000

Do you know what time it is? It’s time for The Watercooler again. This happens every day at the same time, so you shouldn’t really be surprised. This is the best thing you will see on the Internet today, mainly because it is the best thing I saw on the Internet yesterday. Eventually, I will run out of different ways to say the same thing every day, but clearly that day is not today.

Today’s Watercooler consists of a nice little clip from an interview with Sarah Palin, during which she gets a fantastic surprise. Regardless of your political views, this is seriously something that you do not want to miss.

Watching this will totally make you want to vote, sucka!

You’re welcome.

After careful study, I can easily see how Cole Train may have mistaken Sarah Palin for a Locust. Good job.

Think you have something that could be Watercooler material? Send it to dlandis@ripten.com. If your submission gets featured, you will win a prize package full of pride and accomplishment.