Warning: The Watercooler is the best thing you will see on the Internet today, mainly because it is the best thing I saw on the Internet yesterday. Be advised that The Watercooler is not necessarily videogame related (it usually won’t be), and is often silly, controversial, and/or not safe for work (NSFW). If this type of content frequently offends you, please be aware that I just warned you — if you still click through and get offended, it will be your own stupid fault. Otherwise, please continue…

Today’s Watercooler features a news report detailing the aftermath of the 2008 presidential election. The biggest problem? Obama zombies. You may have friends that are suffering just like this, and if so, you clearly need to get them help before something terrible happens to them.

I have no opinion.

Think you have something that could be Watercooler material? Send it to dlandis@ripten.com. If your submission gets featured, you will win a prize package full of pride and accomplishment.

Warning: The Watercooler is the best thing you will see on the Internet today, mainly because it is the best thing I saw on the Internet yesterday. Be advised that The Watercooler is not necessarily videogame related (it usually won’t be), and is often silly, controversial, and/or not safe for work (NSFW). If this type of content frequently offends you, please be aware that I just warned you — if you still click through and get offended, it will be your own stupid fault. Otherwise, please continue…

Today’s Watercooler is about the new president. As you may have heard by now, Barack Obama has officially won the race to the White House. I thought this would be a great time to look at how he got there, Rocky II style.

Check it.

You’re welcome.

I’m going to take this opportunity to not voice my opinion on political matters since I’ve been told I’m not allowed to have an opinion. You all will have to form opinions for me.

Think you have something that could be Watercooler material? Send it to dlandis@ripten.com. If your submission gets featured, you will win a prize package full of pride and accomplishment.

The folks over at Pwn or Die have put together a pretty hilarious edit of the classic All Your Base video, calling it the Presidential Election Edition. As someone who is absolutely scared shitless at the prospect of Sarah Palin anywhere close to the White House, this video really hit close to home for me. Check it out after the break.

It’s been 17 months since Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton started to duke it out for the Democratic nomination, less than a month since the winner of that contest was settled, and four score and seven years since John McCain graduated from flight school, after learning how to ride a pterodactyl. It’s easy to get fatigued watching all this crap on cable news, but for a fun bit of counter-programming, we have this clever little strategy game, The Political Machine 2008.

At first glance this downloadable game looks a bit like Civilization, but on a scale of 41 weeks instead of 4,100 years. Also, instead of a whole world to explore, you are limited to the 50 United States (suck it, Guam!), and there is no “fog of war” obscuring your view of the nation. While there is no rolling blackness from your perspective, the nation’s voters are wallowing in ignorance, and it’s up to you to educate them with speeches, ads, and political trickery.

You play as a contemporary political contender, including some recent candidates and running mates, and can face off against historical figures in the campaign mode. Obama vs. Lincoln, for example, is a fun match-up because they both hail from Illinois, and Reagan is always a tough contender because he’s the only Republican with a steady shot at winning California.

If you’re any kind of fan of politics at all, have any sort of preference about political coverage in newspapers or TV, or have read any nonfiction book about the Bush Administration, you’ll undoubtedly get a huge kick out of the tactics in this game. You can hire smear merchants to pen vitriolic columns about your opponent, a fashion consultant to keep you looking spiffy, and a speechwriter to round out a few choice phrases.

The Political Machine is clever in its message—to succeed, candidates fly around from state to state constantly, delivering speeches on the same few inoffensive, noncontroversial topics, claiming bold stances on positions like “I’m for the environment” or “I’m against high gas prices”. It’s a little hard to get a read on the voters’ perception, as the polls mostly focus on individual states. But after a few campaigns you’ll get the hang of all the right things to say: just promise farm subsidies in Iowa and thump your chest about a strong military in Virginia.

The game lacks a bit of nuance, however. You can’t parse your positions down to the level of “meeting with enemies of America without preconditions but with preparation”. You can also slam your opponent and tell lies about their positions, regardless of where they actually stand. Like Twain said, a lie gets halfway around the world before the truth can get its boots on.

A couple of tweaks and improvements are also needed. It’d be better if more stats about your opponent’s position were available at hand. On election night, it’d be great to see the name of the state and some detailed information about why you won or lost. Also, on-the-ground operatives like The Heckler or the Wealthy Patron are pretty cool, but they don’t hold nearly the evil appeal of a real life Karl Rove. If I want to spread a whisper campaign about my opponent’s alleged illegitimate children, this game should let me.

If anything, the game’s not nasty enough. Politics can get pretty rough and tumble, but the worst you can do in this game is distort your opponent’s stance on the issues. You can’t leak photos of them wearing a turban, or run a few out-of-context clips on Youtube until their negative rating is so high that you win by default. You actually have to campaign on the issues, which we all know is completely unrealistic.

Even with a few minor flaws, the Political Machine is a reasonably priced and enjoyable experience, and it’s also a great way to blow off some of the steam that builds up from watching stupid bullshit on CNN, MSNBC, and Fox News. I can’t emphasize these points enough, because it says right there on my teleprompter to deliver these points with emphasis. And unlike my opponent, I for one am against higher gas prices, terrorists, and using the flag to wax your car. Thank you and God Bless America.

What does this score mean? Check out our review scoring breakdown.