Don’t laugh. This is probably going to be you in thirty years.

I didn’t think last week’s Pain was worth a Hamilton, so what about Sony San Diego’s second attempt on the PSN, High Velocity Bowling? Coming from Team Ramrod (hi, Super Troopers reference), this game of ten-pin features waggle, online leaderboards, and, wait a tic… custom soundtracks using an in-game XMB! Sure, it all sounds a lot like Wii Sports, but will it make Grandma Bessie want a Playstation 3 for Christmas?

If she still remembers growing up in the 50s, she might. High Velocity’s got the retro chic down pat. Right from the moment you boot it up, you’re confronted with a neon-lit marquee soaring high into the twilight sky, its star-like beacons summoning small-town soccer moms and over-the-hill bachelors from the countryside. I half expected to see a cameo by Walter Sobchak, but the sublime odor of cigarette ash mixed with disinfectant was all too real. Okay, maybe that was just my feet. Moving on.

Said marquee also functions as your main menu, giving you the options of solo bowling, competing in several different challenges, or scoping out what trophies you’ve earned. There’s also an option called “My Balls” (tee hee). If you want to take a look at your ball selection, head there.

“Let’s Bowl” is your basic pick-up-and-play mode. You can have up to four players rotating turns locally (sorry, no online except for leaderboards). Multiplayer’s a key component to a game like this (who wants to bowl by themselves?), so it’s good to know that setting it up is easy as pie — just hit square to add extra people on the character select screen. Pick one of several alley-cat stereotypes and then its off to the lanes!

I don’t think High Velocity is about to kick Wiis out of the retirement home (and where else would they go if they’ve already outlived their usefulness to society led a long and fulfilling life?), but the motion controls are both slightly more complex and more satisfying. You grip the Sixaxis underhand, which feels a whole lot more like holding a bowling ball than it does when clutching an oblong Wiimote. Proper positioning puts your thumb over the X button to select options and your pointer/pinky over the R2 and L2 buttons for spin.

Character positioning and aim are selected by twisting the Sixaxis left or right (the dead zone in this case is where the controller’s left side points towards the ground). Once you’ve got your shot set up, your avatar will shuffle towards the foul line. Rear your hand back and then quickly follow through. The speed at which you do this determines how fast your ball travels down the lane, though slipping into the red part of the meter will overpower your throw. The game also accounts for spin (determined, in analog, by how hard you hold down either of the back shoulder buttons), the type of ball you’re using, and any quirks your character might possess.

Admittedly, it feels a little strange at first, but you get used to it quickly and it makes a whole lot of sense when you consider how one might toss an actual ball.

It’s honestly more intuitive than Wii Bowling’s cheat-prone controls, but because of the shape of the Sixaxis, it may not be compatible for people with small hands. Just as well, this is one of the few games on the Playstation 3 that actually justifies its motion-only controls. And before you ask: yes, options for southpaws are included.

If you don’t have any friends around, it might be best to head for the Challenges first. Here you can knock pins with CPU rivals, compete in tournaments, or complete special trick shots. The last of the three is probably the most interesting part of the game, as the developers have set up ramps, chairs, and other obstacles on the lane for you to overcome. You’ll have to complete each of the three Challenge categories once to move onto the next level, but you’ll unlock new balls and bowlers along the way.

One of High Velocity’s most baffling (though undeniably welcome) features is its use of Custom Soundtracks. Hitting select at any time will pop up a stripped-down version of the XMB with all of the mp3s that you have stored on your system. It doesn’t seem to support the system’s more esoteric music-playing features (such as album art or playlists), but you’re free to set repeat and shuffle options.

Considering the only music I have on my PS3 is that one Lair track they put up for download a couple of months ago, I set it to play that. Needless to say, EPIC BOWLING (and lulz) AHEAD! I’d recommend putting this feature to good use; otherwise, you’ll be stuck listening to kitschy lounge music the whole time.

Overall, it’s a good little package. High Velocity Bowling isn’t brimming with content, and its micro-transaction posturing is only a tad less annoying than it is in Pain (there’s an option on the main menu to “Buy Characters”), but the core game itself is infinitely replayable. Leaderboards are certainly a nice touch, but features similar to Wii Sports’ stat tracking are sorely missed. Likewise, character choices are dull and samey; some customization would’ve gone a long way to making the experience more enjoyable.

In terms of capturing the pedigree and mechanics of the original game, High Velocity arguably works a lot better, but it’s little touches like these that makes Nintendo’s “clean slate” approach to casual sports so compelling in the first place.

Strange aye? It’s as if Sony was watching me write my rant, and is now putting the finger up to me and saying “suck on that!”  I’m sorry Sony, you know better *cowers*.

So if you have any music tracks on your Playstation 3’s hard-drive, you can now play them during High Velocity Bowling. This all suggests that a lot of these features are available for the developers to use now, but it’s up to them to implement them and find system memory to allow for it.

However, High Velocity Bowling doesn’t support playing music via streaming from your computer, only from tracks on your PS3’s HDD.

These screenshots show the feature off:

Another surprise on the Playstation Store is the TimeShift Multiplayer demo, which allows you to bring up your friends list and fiddle around with your messages. Pretty gobsmackingly satisfying stuff aye? Resistance had a similar feature, and Motorstorm had its own friends list…but it’s nice to see it elsewhere and implemented so easily in to a demo of all things.

We know this is all coming from Sony, we just want it now. I hear on the grapevine that what’s taking them so long is both HOME, which should come with all these features, and the sheer amount of memory that the keyboard takes up: around 20-30MB memory. Sony have put aside memory for all of this, but 20MB is simply too much, and I’m sure this is what they are working on reducing.

Well the future is coming and we can now see it in front of our eyes. The PS3 just needs it for all its games. Please?

Credit: Neogaf

High Velocity Bowling is indeed coming to the US Playstation Store today, as can be seen by looking at the official US website. Bowling with the Sixaxis sounds fun, but the question is, is it as fun as using a Wii Mote?

In addition, the US at last gets Beats for the PSP. Made by Sony’s London Studio, it’s been out in Europe for a while and it’s great fun to play a game that uses the beats from your favorite music.

Now PixelJunk Monsters, which we previewed last week, is not coming to the US or Europe until January next year. It is, however, already out in Japan for 900 yen.

Americans can also look forward to a Black Sabbath pack for Rock Band at the cost of $5.49. Including three songs, Ozzy also lets us buy the them separately; N.I.B., Sweet Leaf, or War Pigs – each at $1.99.

Also coming to the US this week is Folklore downloadable content, which we already told you about here. Expect some costumes and characters similar to Japan as well, which you can see below. Oh, and don’t be surprised if you get the new GTAIV trailer to download in all its HD glory.

Last but not least, the European and Australian store has been updated with a Kane and Lynch: Dead Men demo (840MB), among other things, such as a Killzone 2 theme to pretty up your XMB. Photographs of the themes follow the Folklore DLC images. Here’s proof that a Kane & Lynch demo is indeed up:

Euro Update:

Games/Demos:
- Kane & Lynch: Dead Men 840MB

Downloadable Content:
- Motorstorm (2 cars: Domino & Adventure) (AU$3.95)
- Folklore (The Origin of Belgae Pack: 4 missions, 1 Folk & 1 Ellen Costume) (AU$3.45)

Themes:
- Mesmerise
- Tori Emaki
- Heavenly Sword
- Motorstorm
- Snakeball
- Lemmings
- Killzone 2
- SingStar

Trailers:
- Metal Gear Online (TGS 2007)
- Metal Gear Solid 4
- Blazing Angels 2

US/Canada Update:

Games/Demos:
-High Velocity Bowling – $9.99
-Wild Arms (PS1) – $5.99
-Timeshift multiplayer demo

Downloadable Content:
-Folklore – Ellen Pack 1 – $3.99 (includes 4 new quests unique to this pack, new costume for Ellen and a new Folk)
-Folklore – Keats Pack 1 – $3.99 (includes 4 new quests unique to this pack, new costume for Keats and a new Folk)
-Folklore – Bundle of Pack 1 + 2 – $5.99
-PAIN – Character Skin – Santa – $0.99
-PAIN – Character Skin – Cookie – $0.99

Rock Band:
Song Packs – $5.49 each:
-Black Sabbath Pack 1

Individual Songs – $1.99 each:
Black Sabbath:
-N.I.B.
-Sweet Leaf
-War Pigs

Trailers:
-Battlefield: Bad Company – “Frostbite”
-Battlefield: Bad Company – “Frostbite” 2
-GTA IV – Trailer 3 – “Move Up, ladies”
-Metal Gear Solid 4: Guns of the Patriots – “TGS 2007 Trailer”
-Uncharted – “Environments”

Other:
-Ratchet & Clank Future theme
-Uncharted theme

Thanks to Neogaf for the images.

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