Come on, Snake! Take advantage of that head placement!

Excited public interest and discussion, especially over a minor or ridiculous cause – that’s what brouhaha means for the vocabularily challenged out there. For all you wordsmiths that already knew that, please don’t bust my balls on the word “vocabularily”. Anyways, The Brouhaha is a new column here at Ripten where you all can discuss something ridiculous, subject chosen by us, of course. This week, the topic on the table is: Solid Snake’s manliness.

For starters, most people over the age of 12 are well aware that Solid Snake is a euphemism for “boner”. In fact, everything about Metal Gear Solid is totally perverted. From the naked, cartwheeling Raiden in MGS2 to the codename of Big Boss in MGS3, Naked Snake (because they didn’t use condoms back in 1964), everything is about dongs (and nakedness). Seriously, do you remember the Twin Snakes print ads?

I mean, come on! The game is called Twin Snakes, and here we see two dudes standing back to back with the triggers of their pistols very clearly showcasing wang. I find it hard to believe the placement of those triggers wasn’t intentional.

Throughout the series, Snake has come across very James Bond-like, especially with that opening sequence in MGS3. Unlike Bond, however, do we know if Snake has ever really scored with any of his leading ladies? He chats it up real smooth with Meryl, Natasha, Naomi, Mei Ling, Otacon, and your mom — and that’s just the first Metal Gear Solid — yet does he ever get anywhere? Is Solid Snake capable of fathering children, or is that something only Liquid Snake can do?

I’m sure that there are plenty of you that are more geekified in Metal Gear lore than I am, and maybe you know the answers to some of these questions. Maybe there was a cutscene I missed that has Solid Snake making out with one of the many chicks that have been in his games. Maybe Snake is just covering his homosexual urges to do naked cartwheels with Raiden. Perhaps all of these questions will be answered in MGS4…

Subject acquired. Please discuss.

Yes, I’m British. I spell “rumour” with two u’s. What U going to do about it? Well hopefully you’ll have no time to do anything, because either you’ll be embedded in Snake’s final mission on the Playstation 3, or engrossed in one of Snake’s first on the Xbox 360.

Yes, with knowledge comes…well, snappy Ripten headings, and this time it could read; “Metal Gear Solid Coming to the Xbox 360.” At least, not in the form you might expect. As we all know MGS4 couldn’t possibly fit on a measley DVD, but Metal Gear Solid 1 might fit into 350mb (though even that’s questionable.)

Indeedy do, MGS may be following its tactical steps onto the Japan PSN Store by infiltrating Xbox Live Arcade. This is not too surprising, since the series has made its way onto non-Playstation consoles a number of times, and Microsoft even published MGS for the PC release.

I expect you’re asking how we know, or who our source is. Lets just say a reliable individual tapped into our codec frequency after spying the game on a certain pre-release network. We shall say no more – nudge nudge, wink wink – except this; there are problems in bringing Kojima’s masterpiece to this new playing field.

Naturally, rumours can turn out to be false, so we’ll bring you more information as it becomes available.

*Update* – Some have responded rather violently to this story, so I must mention a few words of solace. This was posted as rumour, not fact. Nor is the rumour itself any challenge to PlayStation fans. I am not talking of Metal Gear Solid 4 being ported to the Xbox 360, but a 10 year old classic that has found its way onto a number of platforms, with Microsoft themselves publishing the PC conversion.

Of course, it’s hard to understand how MGS1 could fit into 350mb due to the lengthy dialogue, but it wouldn’t be surprising for Microsoft to make an exception.

I originally withheld our evidence due to possible difficulties, but after the response I will spell it out. MGS was spied by our contact on PartnerNet, the developers-only Xbox Live network used to beta-test unreleased downloadable Xbox 360 games.

Moreover, we’ve reported on rumours in the past and have mostly been proved correct. One notable example was our article on MGS4 using a 50GB Blu-ray, which was subsequently sourced around the web and on the infamous Neogaf forums. The news was finally confirmed by Ryan Payton in the following week’s Kojima Productions Report.

Of course rumours may offend you, for which this story is not of interest, but if they do interest you, we’re pretty confident in our sources this time.