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The Watercooler: Go On Then, Just This Once

Sam Naylor — Fri, 27 Jan 2012 03:00:19 +0000

Warning: The Watercooler is the best thing you will see on the Internet today, mainly because it is the best thing I saw on the Internet yesterday. Be advised that The Watercooler is not necessarily videogame related (it usually won’t be), and is often silly, controversial, and/or not safe for work (NSFW). If this type of content frequently offends you, please be aware that I just warned you — if you still click through and get offended, it will be your own stupid fault. Otherwise, please continue…

Bit of an oldie today, but I recently remembered it, and to be honest I think it’s worth remembering. What follows happens to be one of the most catchy songs I have ever heard. It also happens to be the one that is impossible to sing aloud in any sort of public place. Get all settled in, and enjoy (massively NSFW lyrics).

This song also managed to get into the UK top 40 singles chart once. Check out some more videos by the artist as well, they’re all gems.

Think you have something that could be Watercooler material? Send it to me via email: sam@ripten.com or on Twitter: @greeneggsnam. If your submission gets featured, you will win a prize package full of pride and accomplishment.

Nude Gaming Parties – They Exist

Dave Oshry — Wed, 25 May 2011 23:14:52 +0000

In NYC at least. Better yet, some unfortunate sob had to film the whole thing for a short video. Somehow all the people at this party agreed to be filmed and some even did interviews. However, considering they’re at a nude gaming party, I wouldn’t exactly expect them to be camera shy.

There’s some sort of advertising for a horrible looking controller attachment going on in here somewhere as well, but I was too busy looking for bewbs. Don’t act like you weren’t! Ya perv…

The Witcher’s Triss Merigold Featured In Polish Playboy (NSFW)

Dave Oshry — Thu, 05 May 2011 18:24:37 +0000

It’s no secret that The Witcher is a ‘mature’ series that features ‘mature’ content, but Playboy has seemingly taken the series’ female lead to the next level.

Triss Merigold, the most infamous and downright sexiest sorceress in all the Northern Kingdoms, has graced this month’s cover and pages of Playboy, in Poland. Yowza!

Behold this NSFW gallery below:

Not NSFW enough for you? How about this video of a Witcher 2 calendar shoot featuring a fully nude Triss look-alike!? wowa wee wa!

If you can’t get your hands on the Polish edition of Playboy, you can always get your hands on The Witcher 2: Assassin’s of Kings on May 17th. Check out all of our preview coverage and hundred of exclusive “Ultra Quality” screens HERE

It also features plenty of full frontal Triss:

RipTen and Cliffy B Present: The Best of Dicktits (NSFW)

Dave Oshry — Sun, 20 Feb 2011 21:03:11 +0000

As the Bulletstorm approaches, the man with the plan – Epic Games design director Cliff Bleszinski – has held an Epic competition in anticipation of their upcoming game.

Via the most Epic place on the internet, otherwise known as Twitter, Cliff stated:

Mere moments later, tweets started pouring in. There were Dicktits everywhere!! Tits on dicks!! Dicks on tits!! Tits with dicks and dicks with tits!! There was no end to the mayhem!! RipTen quickly started compiling what we felt were, “The Best of Dicktits” and we are bringing them to you in all their glory:

First up is a sketch of the lead character from Bulletstorm, Grayson Hunt. Apparently we now know why Grayson is so angry all the time . . . he’s got dicktits!!

Grayson "Dicktits" Hunt

Next up were these Surprise Dicktits – submitted by @AuggieBenDoggy. I’m not sure If I feel bad for this guy’s girlfriend or not . . .

Surprise Dicktits!!

Next up are these two Classy Dicktits Models from @diego_dandrea. Classy indeed:

Then of course @Julibeens had to go and put Dicktits on Cliff himself:

Erections. You Can Has.

Not to be outdone, a friend of Cliff’s sent him these Artsy Dicktits:

Dicktits - A Still Life

Destructoid’s Jim Sterling even got in on the action – sending this entry to Cliff: (See what he did there?)

Oh Jim, You Cheeky Bastard.

So, as we we’re getting ready to round up “The Best of Dicktits” we let Cliff and People Can Fly know that said list was in the works. But wait!! Cliff told us there was one more entry we just had to see:

ORLY!?

So we waited . . . and the wait was worth it. Here was the final entry and Cliff declared it the best yet!!

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Dick Tits: Private Eye:

Dick Tits is on the Case.

However, late last night a new challenger appeared – and we think that this set of Dicktits may definitely be the best yet.

Behold!! Dicktits Saves The Day:

Now THOSE Are Some Dicktits.

So, there you have it. The Best of Dicktits. Some things you just can’t unsee – but why would you want to? These are some Epic Dicktits.

Anyhow, I think we all know who’s the real Dicktits here:

Have Sex With Kinect (NSFW)

Aaron Alexander — Wed, 15 Dec 2010 23:02:53 +0000

The thing everyone thought would happen, has totally happened. Some sad, sad person has actually coded a Sex game around Microsoft’s Kinect device. Well it’s more of a tech demo in its current state, but rest assured – the developer of “fine” Sex simulators Thrixxx has shared its enthusiasm for the product:

“The Kinect Controller is astonishing new technology that allows users to experience cybersex like never before! It’s novel, sexy, social, age-spanning, crazy, and a rush to have virtual control at this level”

The video below shows a creepy identity-hidden man, who demonstrates the technology (and probably has a good time doing so). I bet you want to watch it, freak.

Source: Gamernode

Splatterhouse Jen Picture / Dr. West Gramophone Guide With All of Jen’s Photos (NSFW)

Garrett Hartman — Fri, 03 Dec 2010 21:44:11 +0000

So what’s Rick’s motivation for putting on the cursed terror mask and fighting hell’s minions? Jen, of course (she’s hawt). Find all of Jen’s pictures and Dr. West’s gramophones to 100% the game.

Decide for yourself if she’s worth it.

Here are the locations of Jen’s pictures and the evil doc’s gramophones thanks to Dark Advocate. Click here for the Splatterhouse Walkthrough Guide.

Phase 1 – Satan’s Masque

Gramophone (1/12) – “Despite my attempts” After the two monsters leap through the windows, and the text “press + to perform combos”, from the door you entered hook a left and it’s next to a book case.

Photo Piece 1/4 – Right after this^ room, you will see a statue slide against a wall and break. Where it was is you’ll find the first photo piece.

Gramophone (2/12) - “My home has changed” After the breaking of boxes and the first mentioning of boreworms, kick open the door and it’s to the right as soon as you enter.

Photo Piece 2/4 – After the cutscene where you get your arm ripped off (ouch), enter the open doorway ahead of you. As you walk through the door the second photo is on the floor. (Good place to get Morbid Dismemberment achievement/trophy)

Gramophone (3/12) - “My theories in Necrobiology” After picking the second piece of the photo up, it is in the back of the room

Gramophone (4/12) – “To while away the years” Return to the main room and enter the room between the four tanks, and it is in the back on the right.

Photo Piece 3/4 - BEFORE YOU PUNCH THROUGH THE FLOOR, the photo piece is to the left of the green light coming from the floor.

Photo Piece 4/4 – After coming upon the room with your old classmates, whom you took stats with last semester (lolz), defeat the enemies and look in the cell to the right of where you entered. (opposite from where you exit the room.)

Phase 2 – The Doll That Bled

Photo Piece 1/4 – When you enter the room with the two valves, take a right and turn the valve between the two cylinders with creatures in them. This will open a giant door. The first piece is in the back right of this room. For clarification, looking at the two eyeballs to punch, it’s to the left of the left one.

Photo Piece 2/4 – After the side scrolling section you will come upon a room where you will need to lift two gates (by holding up on both joysticks) behind them are enemies. Choose the one on your left as you enter and it will be under a box in the back left corner.

Gramophone (5/12) - “I do not sleep” In the room with four ghouls on the bed eating a head with a hand in its mouth, it is directly to your right as you enter.

Gramophone (6/12) – “Leonora and I” After the long hallway with moving spike walls, you will re-enter the mansion proper. In this first room, look to your right to find two doors with a gramophone in between.

Gramophone (7/12) – “My work” After the previous gramophone enter the room on the right and after you deal with the six huddled ghouls, it’s in the back left corner. (Good place to get Headlong Into Monsters and Army of Dead Evil)

Photo Piece 3/4 - Enter the room to the left of the “Leonora and I” gramophone (this is the children’s room), and this picture is in the back under the single blue ghoul in the room.

Photo Piece 4/4 – A cut scene will show two blue ghouls appear, then both will be smashed by furniture. Continue on down the corridor dodging the furniture and it will be in the first alcove on your right. (After 2 or 3 pieces of furniture.)

Phase 3 – The Shadow of the Abyss

Photo Piece 1/4 – From where you begin the stage, head straight forward then take a right turn towards the group of enemies towards the back of some shipping containers. It will be in between the containers on the ground. Fairly easy to spot.

Photo Piece 2/4 - After you raise the bus by impaling two enemies, go under the bus and immediately to the right. Break the barrels there for the second piece.

Photo Piece 3/4 - After jumping across from the crumbling rooftop you’ll fight a butcher, continue and the ceiling will collapse and a butcher will break through the wall. Head through the hole he created and turn to the right.

Photo Piece 4/4 – After the cutscene where you are introduced to the Aegis (the squid thingies), take out the group of enemies and look around for it before heading on up the ramp to the next area. It will be underneath where they introduce the Aegis.

Phase 4 – The Meat Factory

Photo Piece 1/4 – After you kill the giant enemy with the club hand, a door will open for you to continue on. It is in this hallway, VERY difficult to miss.

Photo Piece 2/4 – After you give the four imps their rectal exams/tanning sessions (“THIS IS HOW WE GOT OUR M RATING!”), keep going into a hallway with steam rising from the floor (the hallway lighting is colored red, then green, then yellow). It is in the yellow section on the left, by a torn off chainlink gate with a Keep Out sign on it. It is right before you hear Jen scream and you have to pry a door open.

Photo Piece 3/4 – You will come to a room with three glass canisters. You must go into the rooms on the right and left to impale enemies, thus filling the canisters with blood. Facing the three glass canisters in the main room, take the door to your right (the one with a giant club-hand enemy.) The photo piece will be in the back right corner.

Photo Piece 4/4 - When you come to the huge open room with all the cells and the shotgun cutscene, it’s in the second cell on the right with a blue ghoul in it.

Phase 5 – The Corpse That Wouldn’t Die

Photo Piece 1/4 – At the beginning, when you punch the eye and the staircase forms, it’s at the top, to the left.

Photo Piece 2/4 – After ripping out the giant eyeball, go up the spiral staircase to an alcove on the left with eight boxes (It is in between the two in the back)

Photo Piece 3/4 – After the room with the Aegis (squid), Rick will ask if the Mask is Aztec. In this hall, you will see the photo piece at the end in the center, VERY hard to miss.

Photo Piece 4/4 – You will enter a room with a cleaver in front of you. A cutscene will show a severed head impaled in one of the four mouths in the room. Use the cleaver to lop three more heads off, and go up to the mouths. You’ll press and impale them on the spikes. After the last one, a door will open and Mask will quip about how “the Aztecs really knew how to use their heads.”

Phase 6 – Beast With a Human Heart

Photo Piece 1/4 – Right after the living heart that’s a unique conversation piece, you’ll go up spiral stairs. At the top, break the boxes for this piece.

Gramophone (8/12) – “The Masters’ true form” After going through the Mouth Tunnel, Rick and the Mask will talk about what Rick “really is. You’re a killer!” In this main room, with your back to the Mouth Tunnel, go in the first door on the right. On a table next to a large saw and three torture chairs.

Gramophone (9/12) -”I remold flesh” Same place as the last one, far back door on the left. Go down a winding tunnel, and as you enter the room with the lever, take a left. It’s on a shelf next to some heads in jars.

Photo Piece 2/4 – Same place as the last two gramophones, far back door on the right. When you pull the doors open, you will see it directly in front of you on the floor. Watch out as you rush to pick it up, a blue ghoul will pop out on the right.

Photo Piece 3/4 – When you pry open the doors for the elevator, it’s right there on the floor, VERY hard to miss.

Photo Piece 4/4 – After you destroy the two big club-handed enemies, and the ballast door opens to the next room, head through and immediately turn left. It’s on the ground by quite a few x-rays, most notably of a pregnant… woman?

Gramophone (10/12) – “Host body A” Same place as the last photo. When you go through the ballast door, go to the right. These two are just before the Lovecraftian beast in the shark tank that tap taps at you.

Phase 7 – Scream Park

Photo Piece 1/4 – As you begin the stage, break through the door in front of you and the first piece of the photo is in the far left corner of this area underneath a wooden ticket stand.

Photo Piece 2/4 – A little further into the stage, you will throw enemies onto spikes to win prizes. On the far left game throw an enemy onto the top spike and the photo will be behind the door. I recommend that you do not open the door to the right of this one, as it only contains a 2×4 and a tentacle armed monster.

Photo Piece 3/4 – Proceed through the stage till you come to the Love Tunnel. Continue through this tunnel and it will be towards the end.

Photo Piece 4/4 – As you’re traveling through the “Hell” part of the stage you will come upon a red tentacle armed enemy and a couple of smaller enemies. Kill them and continue on, chase the figure you see through an open door. The piece will be on the ground as you go.Once you pick it up, do not continue that way, it will force you to loop back around to continue the stage. Instead, turn around and go the other way.

Phase 8 – Reflections in Blood

Photo Piece 1/4 – At the beginning of the stage you will see two nasty looking hot dog stands. Break the furthest and it is there on the ground.

Photo Piece 2/4 – As you progress, you will follow a stone path and it is on the ground in front of some ticket stands. It will be during the, “Even Jennifer wears a mask” speech.

Photo Piece 3/4 – After the side-scrolling first part of the house of mirrors, you will begin a timed portion where Jennifer taunts you. From where you start, break the mirror to the left. Follow this hall to another room. Now break the right mirror and it will be behind the enemy. (An easy way to make sure you have this is by checking every mirror. The solution to the mirrors is, Room 1: Left mirror, Room 2: Mirror in front, Room 3: Right Mirror, Room 4: Right mirror. This way you won’t run out of time and can check the rest of the mirrors.)

Photo Piece 4/4 - You will get the last photo piece after finishing the breaking mirrors portion of the fun house and you begin a side scrolling portion. If you’ve been following this guide and haven’t done any arena yet, the achievement Creepy Show will pop after you pick this one up.

Phase 9 – The Ruined Heart

Photo Piece 1/4 – After defeating the three enemies at the beginning of the stage, follow the flight of stairs on the right and you will see the photo on a ledge to the right before a dead end.

Gramophone (11/12) – “For every year” Once you reach the first check point and three tentacled beasts appear, kill them and the gramophone is, relevant to where you came in, in the back left corner.

Photo Piece 2/4 – You will enter a room with a large enemy chasing smaller ones away. Defeating him will have a worm appear. Kill the worm off and the photo is in the far left area from where you came in. (You may stumble upon it while fighting the bigger enemy.)

Gramophone (12/12) - “The Masters” Coming upon a checkpoint, in this room there is another giant mouth and two of the tentacled armed enemies, it is to your right.

Photo Piece 3/4 – After traveling through the mouth you will have to hurt and rip out a giant eyeball. Enter the room and it is to your immediate right.

Photo Piece 4/4 – After finishing a side scrolling portion, you will come to a bloody room with a heart in front of you. Off to the left of this heart next to a pillar/artery is the piece.

Phase 10 – The Wicker Bride

Photo Piece 1/4 – As soon as you start, head left and break the boxes.

Photo Piece 2/4 – When you kick open the second gate and the Mask says “If you kill enough of these guys, I just might be able to open a gate to get us over there!” It’s to the right, again, under a breakable box.

Photo Piece 3/4 – After the cut-scene where the mob turns to ghouls and West narrates “I prayed for help to any God who would listen…” you will be surrounded by enemies. Behind you to the right, destroy the box and pick up the photo piece.

Photo Piece 4/4 – Right after this section, you will take a right and go up some stairs to a gate you must kick in that has a portal behind it. Before you do, take a right, break the box, take the picture. This completes Jenny the Guitar Hero. For clarification, it’s the portal that drops off three club hand monsters and West says “In that garden…”.

Phase 11 – Blood Eclipse

Photo Piece 1/4 – When the stage begins and you are looking over the trees turn directly around and head up the flight of stairs. It is to the right at the top of the stairs in a corner behind a breakable bird bath.

Photo Piece 2/4 – The 2nd piece is right after the Mask says the Corrupted are dreaming this world and soon they’ll awaken. A meteor will block the stairs you came down from, and Rick will talk about how meteors hurt. Looking at the meteor, turn right, and the second crypt door will have a lock on it. You cannot kick this one in. If you grabbed the cleaver from when West talks about how many lives stack against one true love (to the right of the stairs you go up to proceed) you can use that. Otherwise, facing the meteor, go left, up the stairs and grab the shotgun. I believe any weapon will destroy the lock, and the 2nd piece is in there.

Photo Piece 3/4 – After free-falling through another portal, you’ll be in a side scrolling section. Head to the left, left-side of the hole in the ground.

Photo Piece 4/4 – When you tell West what you really think of his plan, then kill his two red-faced minions, this area will unlock. With your back to where you entered the area, kick open the right hand gate, go up the stairs, and it’s hidden under a breakable birdbath.

The rest of these wonderful pics are won in the challenges during Survival Arena Mode – Good luck Rick-O.

Naked Kinect Testing is Not Safe For Work

Dave Oshry — Sat, 13 Nov 2010 22:17:59 +0000

There’s really not much to say here. If you like Kinect and half naked women, this video is for you. NSFW!! Hell, even if you don’t like Kinect . . .

Over at the ever classy Nuts Magazine, life is good.

Watch here as Daisy and Porchia test out Micosoft’s newest hardware and Dance Central:

Yep. Life is good.

Vagina Hero: Exclusive First Look

Dan Landis — Thu, 03 Jul 2008 14:04:20 +0000

Not content with the current level of Guitar Hero milking, what if Activision decided to take it to the next level with yet another game? We suggest — Vagina Hero!

We all know what the girls are thinking anyways when they get all googily-faced over guitarists, even fake guitarists. Might as well stop faking the funk and try to teach them boys something useful. So sit back and indulge, as we transport you to an alternate reality where a publisher by the name of “Arctivision” gives birth to “Vagina Hero”.

At first glance, Vagina Hero may seem overly complicated. Welcome to real life. The in-game screen above actually shows finger cues for the easy difficulty setting. Arctivision reps claim that expert difficulty is pretty much impossible unless you invest in the Pro Bundle, which they explain as so:

“The Pro Bundle is essentially no different than the normal bundle, it just costs about $600 extra. We wanted to prepare our players for the inevitable truth that dudes with money are more successful with women, even if they aren’t any more skilled. We also offer a Girl Power Pack, but we aren’t ready to discuss the details of that quite yet.”

Isn’t this offensive? Doesn’t Arctivision worry that female gamers will be outraged by Vagina Hero?

“Absolutely not. If anything, we are doing women a great service. We are making foreplay interesting and exciting for guys while simultaneously giving them the practice they need so they know what they’re doing when they get there. I think women should be excited by the idea of no longer walking away from a sexual encounter with blue balls, or whatever the equivalent of that would be for women.”

Sounds like he hasn’t played enough of his own game. Speaking of which, we had a few hours to spend with a preview build of the game last night. So how does it play?

Okay, the best way I can explain it is that Vagina Hero is equal parts music-rhythm game, simulation, and real-time strategy. Basically what I’m saying is that it’s complicated.

The stages in Vagina Hero are women, much like the individual songs in previous Hero games released by a completely different publisher that is in no way related to Arctivision. There is no background or story explaining how you suddenly find yourself with a naked vagina in your face — the stage loads up and it’s just there.

Classy 70′s-style bow-chika-wow-wow starts playing, and you find your screen assaulted with colored button-press indicators called “E-Zones”. The E-Zones (or “EZ’s”) correspond to the same colored buttons on your Vagina Hero controller, dubbed “HodgePodge”. Why HodgePodge?

“Just look at it. What the fuck is that? We designed it and we don’t even really know. We tried to stay true to real thing, but that’s the best we could do.”

Vagina Hero controller – aka: HodgePodge

As the EZ’s approach the middle of the screen, you need to tap the corresponding EZ button on your controller. Sounds easy enough, but this bitch has 6 buttons! Apparently, if you want to be a serious player, you need to get creative.

“Most people just use their thumb and pointer finger on their off-hand, but we’ve had a few people use other body parts. Personally, if you want to really see what you’re doing, the two hand approach is best. You could also just mash all the buttons at the same time with your fist and hope to get lucky.”

The goal, ultimately, is to fill the climax meter. Successful combos and streaks fill it up faster, and unlike previous Hero games by that other totally unrelated publisher, there is no time frame. The sooner you’re done, the sooner you can move on to the next girl. You can also speed things up by initiating Vagina Hero’s version of Star Power, “The Shocker”, by jamming the yellow, orange, and blue buttons simultaneously.

Overall, the game looks very promising. Arctivision confirmed that there would be a multiplayer mode, but they weren’t ready to discuss that quite yet. The only info we could pry out of them was that “multiplayer will quite literally blow your pants off.” Cryptic…

Arctivision left us with these final words as they ushered us out the door:

“Harmondix may have a leg up on us, but we’re not jerking around any more. We’re serious. We’re in this for the long haul, and we won’t stop until our fans are satisfied, and they’re never satisfied… which means we won’t stop.”

Oooo-kay…

Vagina Hero is tentatively scheduled for release this holiday on the Xbox 360, PS3, and Wii.

Words by Dan. Pictures by Chad.

Ripten After Dark: What E3 Never Was But Damn Well Should Be

Dan Landis — Sat, 28 Jun 2008 08:00:00 +0000

With E3 fast approaching, we’ve decided to put this video up to demonstrate the awesomeness that we will never see there. The following should be considered “not safe for work,” but it might be worth the risk to watch it right now anyways.

This video is from last year’s Games Convention in Germany. I have no idea what the game is they are promoting, but we are officially giving it a 10. E3 and it’s booth babe-itude has drastically reduced over the past few years, but at least the Europeans still have their heads on straight. Okay, I’ll stop writing now and let the video speak for itself.

Ripten After Dark: Street Fighter’s Cammy Gets Sweaty (NSFW)

Chad Lakkis — Sat, 01 Mar 2008 08:04:42 +0000

Dan and I were discussing the upcoming Street Fighter game over Google Talk while I searched for Sagat cosplay images on Google (this is what we do when we get bored). Most of the images I found had nothing to do with Sagat, including the image you see above, which Dan informed me was Kylie Minogue.

Dan then went on to explain who she was and asked me if I had ever seen her lingerie commercial. I had not, so he kindly referred me to its Youtube video counterpart — which we have decided to share with you in our very first edition of “Ripten After Dark”. This would not be considered “safe for work” content, however the weekend approaches, and most of us who work in front of a computer for a living don’t work weekends.

To those who say this has nothing to do with videogames, you are wrong! Dan also informed me that she played Cammy in the Street Fighter movie — which means this is very relevant. Hit the jump for the video.

[youtube width="480" height="378"]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Md-8IF-nOX0[/youtube]