RipTen Videogame Blog » satire

The Legend of Pants

David Oxford — Sun, 22 Aug 2010 19:00:20 +0000

Since Nintendo revealed The Legend of Zelda: Skyward Sword at E3, people have been abuzz about the game. Some have spoken of the 1:1 motion controls, as well as the potential issue that presents for left-handed folk. Some have discussed the art style, and others the plot.

And some… have discussed Link’s pants.

Indeed, the passion some fans have for The Legend of Zelda is well-known, as they struggle with continuity and timeline theories to try and make sense of what Miyamoto and Aonuma won’t tell them. But then, some people are just lesser fans who don’t care for Link’s new cargo pants look.

It is not a particularly heated or even oft-discussed debate, but the times I’ve seen it brought up led me to notice something strange in the Zelda timeline.

Aonuma has already spoiled everyone by telling us that the Skyward Sword becomes the Master Sword, thus placing the game Skyward Sword before Ocarina of Time, regarded as one of the earliest chronological installments in the series. And so…

Here we have what is officially one of the earliest incarnations of Link, if not the earliest. And as we can plainly see in the image above, Link is wearing what appears to be a white set of baggy pants. This will be the first and only time (so far) we see him garbed in such attire. From there…

Above, we see the Hero of Time, as he was in Ocarina of Time. Gone are the pants of Skyward Link, now replaced with a set of whitey tighties. Future Links would continue to support this look, including those seen in Wind Waker, Twilight Princess, and the Oracle titles.

But moving further on into the future…

By the time of A Link to the Past, not even the tights are there! Nor would the Link of the original Legend of Zelda wear tights, much less pants. At best, we can only assume that Link retains some sort of decency by wearing some underwear beneath.

And now we come to the startling truth. You’ll notice that after Zelda II: The Adventure of Link, all new games have apparently been set in times prior to the NES adventures.

While Nintendo’s developers would occasionally move a little forward, they never went any further than The Adventure of Link in the timeline, instead choosing to remain firmly in the past, with this newest game, Skyward Sword, going even further back.

Why has Nintendo avoided going any further into the future with Zelda? The answer is now clear. If they were go to go further, the natural evolution of Link’s legwear would force them to come up with something like this:

…and Lord knows, while some fangirls may “squee” at the prospect, Nintendo simply can’t allow this to happen.

Bonus: Alternate titles considered for this article:

A Link to the Pants
Pants Awakening
The Adventure of Pants
Pants of Time
Skyward Pants
The Pants-om Hourglass
Spirit Pants
Pants of Ages
Pants of Seasons
The Minish Pants
Link: Pants of Evil
This is What Happens When One of Our Writers Has Far Too Much Time to Think About Silly, Stupid Little Things

Editor’s Note: The above has been strictly for the purpose of light satire. Please don’t take this as anything serious or definitive. Yes, we realize that in Ocarina, young Link didn’t have tights while his older counterpart did, just as the older Link of Zelda II would also wear brown tights. This was just a fun look at a peculiarity which has arisen over the course of time in the Zelda franchise, and we hope that you’ll just laugh a little and enjoy it as such.

“Link’s Embarrassing Little Moment” Image Source: Comicgirl16 on deviantArt

Breaking News: Miyamoto Likes to Swim

David Oxford — Thu, 01 Jul 2010 23:42:40 +0000

Nintendo Senior Managing Director Shigeru Miyamoto is in a unique position, in that his company would really rather he did not discuss his hobbies. Given that his pet dog and the simple act of weighing himself led to the best-selling titles Nintendogs and Wii Fit, it’s little wonder that Nintendo would rather he keep quiet, lest competing developers get wind of what could be the next big thing.

But during a recent shareholder question-and-answer session (referenced earlier), Miyamoto wound up going against the grain and revealing to shareholders (and, by way of transcription, to us) what he has been doing when not printing money for the Kyoto-based company:

“Also, I’m still full of energy. Recently, I’ve been doing a lot of things — continuing to work hard at swimming, for instance, and also having exchanges with school kids, doing such things a serving on a neighborhood youth guidance committee. I think that next year I can probably deliver something new.”

Recently, Miyamoto had even let it be known that he now has a pet cat. Lo and behold, what is revealed at E3? A sequel to Nintendogs… which also features cats. So naturally, you can expect a correlation between what Miyamoto is doing in his private life and Nintendo’s future release calendar.

As Miyamoto has been doing a lot of swimming, experts (who we shall not name, because we made them up) predict that Wii Swim could be next year’s big reveal at E3, if not at this year’s Tokyo Game Show.

In addition, said experts have also noticed that Miyamoto has developed a habit of eating approximately three times a day, and expect Wii Eat to be another successful social gaming experiment. Furthermore, it has not escaped their attention that Miyamoto spends several hours sleeping each night. The consensus is split between a possible Wii Sleep title with Wii SleepPlus accessory, which would allow gamers to keep playing after drifting off, while others expect a more “core” offering in a contemporary take or sequel to Super Mario Bros. 2 (known as Super Mario USA in Japan, perhaps as a light-hearted jab at the “lazy American” stereotype).

Finally, the experts have also noticed that no matter what else Miyamoto is doing, he always appears to be… breathing. This has led to predictions of Wii Breathe, which would come with a Wii BreathSensor that would allow players to engage in different rhythm-based breathing mini-games.

———

In all seriousness, it’s simply amusing (if understandable) the way Miyamoto isn’t supposed to speak about his hobbies. Of course, even if he does, I don’t think it would do other developers much good, simply because other developers aren’t Miyamoto. Even when he shows them what to do, the quality usually tends to be miles apart.

Source: (for the Q&A transcript, at any rate) Andriasang

PS3 Exclusive Lost? Final Fantasy Versus XIII Being Ported to Sega Master System…

Chad Lakkis — Wed, 13 Aug 2008 04:32:39 +0000

It appears that Microsoft isn’t the only console maker with deep pockets. While Sega can’t remember who works for them and has made it clear that they have no intentions of reviving the Dreamcast console, it seems that the company hasn’t forgotten the pain that Sony caused them when its PlayStation first hit the market.

Sega kept shut for years, waiting for the right moment to strike. Seeing Sony in what appeared to be a moment of weakness after the Microsoft/Final Fantasy XIII payout, Sega made the call to go in for the kill. The company now has a Square Enix port of their own — FF Versus XIII.

First look at this amazing game after the break.

The loading screen features classic Sega Master System split second response — you won’t have to sit there all day while Mr. Mustache smokes a cigar.

Gameplay mechanics will have you saying Mega Man what? We believe that the screen above is real in-game footage and not CGI, but we have yet to receive confirmation from Sega or Square Enix.

This cinematic presentation in the Sega Master System port of FFXIII Versus leaves me wanting to see more. Unfortunately the game is still in the early stages of development (hard to believe) and will not be touched again until Square finishes the PS3 version.

Source: extreme boredom (via: validating my most anticipated game of the Fall)

E3 2009 Location Announced (Downsized Again)

Chad Lakkis — Tue, 22 Jul 2008 08:44:42 +0000

If you want to be one of the lucky few invited, you had better rsvp soon. Word is the location only holds about 25-50 people, and that’s not including Barbie and her friends.

Of course this is a joke, but with the obvious downsizing of the event each year, I couldn’t resist. Tell me where you think the event should be held next year. Looking forward to seeing what you come up with.