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Ten Funny Scripted Video Game Jokes

Sam Naylor — Sat, 04 Feb 2012 18:00:44 +0000

Games can be funny. More often than not, it’s a glitch or quirk of the game can create hilarious results, or just the nature of the game (see: Just Cause 2). What I thought needed a salute, however, was the scripted humour in video games providing mirthful moments. Adventure games from the 1990s were a goldmine, but I’ve tried not to include them too much here- otherwise it would just be a list of the best jokes Tim Schafer wrote. Here you’ll find an eclectic mix of genres, all with one thing in common: they made me laugh out loud. I’m not saying these are the best, as humour is so subjective, but they’re some of my favourites. If you’ve got better ones, leave a comment.

1. [Subject name here]

This was the first time I properly laughed out loud listening to GLaDOS in Portal. Most of her lines are amusing in an ‘oh-that-was-clever’ way, but for some reason this one really took me by surprise. I still think it’s funnier than most of the iconic stuff about the companion cube, though I can see why those were picked up on by the Internet. In fact, I think this might be the best joke in the whole of Portal canon, simply because it was the only one I could think of word-for-word when making this list.

2. Er… I’m over this way.

I select this particular joke not because it’s the funniest joke in The Secret of Monkey Island, but more because it sets the scene for a superbly-written comedy game. I also happen to think it’s a great example of a joke which is enhanced by being a gamer. We become used to sprites looking weird and not lining up with what they are supposed to be doing, so when it’s pointed out like that, it just makes it even funnier.

3. You can see how good my painting’s getting.

This one’s all the better for the fact that there just aren’t that many jokes in The Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion. The element of surprise just makes it all the better when you see Modryn Oreyn’s attempt at fine art. There are a few jokes to be found in Oblivion, but for me, this one is the best. Unfortunately, I’ve kind of ruined it by featuring it here. Sorry about that.

4. Relax

No video for this one, but as it’s a simple dialogue joke I’ll just quote it instead. This one’s part of a huge line of jokes which hit you one-by-one in the Sam and Max games developed by Telltale, but it’s a personal favourite of mine. As with Portal, it was one of the first jokes that really made me laugh out loud while I was playing- so much so that I remembered it more clearly than any other jokes in the games.

Sam: (looking at Sybil’s “Relax” sign) That’s got to be the least relaxing sign I ever seen.
Max: What about the on at the barbershop that says, “Low Fatality Rate”?
Sam: I stand corrected.

5. Exploder

It would be hard to make a list of the best jokes without including something from Grand Theft Auto: Vice City. The old GTA games were full of parodies and jokes, and my favourite comes in the form of a fake advert on the in-game radio station, V-Rock. I would say the whole ad is hilarious, but if you forced me to pick a specific joke, it would have to be “But I’m not married! You are now- to America!”

6. Ahem. Yeah, I’m aware of that.

This joke is great for its sheer simplicity. The animation on the kick in the plums is quite funny in itself, but when Cortez from TimeSplitters Future Perfect replies to the girl in the high voice it makes me laugh every time. This is another joke that stands out in my memory as something I really chuckled away at when I first played it. Great game, by the way, and it has a good sense of humour throughout.

7. Bowser bares all

Paper Mario is littered with references and jokes, and some of the best come in the form of giving personalities to the famous characters. In this aside from the action of the game, Peach discovers Bowser’s diary, where he is seen writing, “Ohh, I’m Mario, I’m so big and strong and good and helpful…”

8. Try to remember the mission, if you can.

There are lots of silly conversations to be had in Metal Gear Solid 2, but this is my pick of the lot. It’s partly a reference to the first game, but partly just Otacon telling Snake off for being a pervert. Great attention to detail in this game, and it’s rewarding to see what kind of reactions you get- especially if you get a gem like this.

9. Sarcastic general

This is probably stretching the definition of a joke, but since it was scripted and makes me laugh, I’m going to include it anyway. The FMV cutscenes in Red Alert 3 are all rather funny in a campy parody sort of way- and made even better by the inclusion of Tim Curry and George Takei. This clip in particular made me laugh most, just because I love this idea of a military general being so sarcastic about war.

10. Super Mean Boy

To finish, a joke from Super Meat Boy without any dialogue at all- and it’s all the better for it. There are actually two jokes here, and I’m not sure which I like better. The ‘kick’ part has the surprise element, but the pillow bit is much more subtle and dark. Whichever one you prefer, it’s a funny sequence.

The Top 10 Real Life FUS RO DAH’s

Dave Oshry — Wed, 07 Dec 2011 02:00:01 +0000

Painstakingly compiled by Aaron “The Voice” Alexander and Dave Oshry.

Before Skyrim was even available in stores, the world already knew of the FUS RO DAH thanks to Bethesda’s epic trailer. Ever since, videos of Unrelenting Force being used in real life have been popping up on the net to incite epic lulz. What we have here are what we think are the Top Ten Best FUS RO DAH’s in real life, and we hope you enjoy them as much as we did:

Let’s start off with a little compilation, shall we?

Next up we’ve got Judge Dredd, everyone’s second to last favorite Slyvester Stallone movie. Watch him judge this fool Dovahstyle:

To make up for that, here’s a clip from Scrubs:

Did you know Morgan Freeman was Dragonborn?

Better yet, we’ve got the FUS being used on some unsuspecting Goats and Ducks:

Don’t worry though…

Steam Announces The Daily Wishlist Giveaway

Catherine Cai — Fri, 02 Dec 2011 19:00:50 +0000

In the spirit of the holidays, Steam is hosting a giveaway where ten random Steam users will get the top ten games on their wishlist. The only requirements for you to enter the giveaway? Be a Steam user with at least ten games on your wishlist. Sounds simple enough right?

Steam will be hosting this giveaway late into the Holiday season. Happy winnings. Oh, and happy holidays or something.

The Top Ten Most Messed Up Mass Effect 2 Mods

Stephanie Gutowski — Wed, 05 Oct 2011 02:35:08 +0000

Prep the Derp Drive, Joker, and set a course for epic lulz. Things are about to get dumb. Days of YouTube lurking led me to this fantastic collection of unintelligible, side-splitting nonsense. I’m starting to believe that the creators of these videos were on some seriously hard drugs and I am concerned for their well-being. Because they need to keep making these.

Their ranks were originally determined by the amount of time I spent slamming my face into my keyboard while I laughed, yet I discovered sometime later that they really can be viewed in no particular order. Number one just happens to be the video that about pushed me over the edge of reason. It was beautiful.

10. Special Romance

Hello, nightmares.

9. Elcor Romance

Thane gets smothered by an elcor Shepard. Then, he dates it. It’s like watching a frog try to climb an elephant.

8. Tali’s Face Revealed

Shepard does not want.

The Best Gaming Simulation Gear You Can’t Afford

Murray Hibble — Fri, 27 May 2011 05:14:37 +0000

My love of simulators started back in 1993.

One year after its release, I was introduced to Geoff Crammond’s legendary Microprose Grand Prix. This was an F1 simulator that I clearly remember thinking was just like the real thing. It had well-modeled real world tracks and you could ‘feel’ the car as you took it around corners. Tyre wear was a factor to consider, I could tune my car (and did, ceaselessly for days at a time) and have it make a real difference on the track. This was a time when you had to compete with friends by mail; complete your race, copy the save to a floppy-disc and mail to a friend for their turn. The level of realism was a concept that blew my mind because I knew I was never going to race in an F1, but here was this game that allowed me to understand what it might be like as I completed 50 lap races and multiple seasons. And I agreed wholeheartedly with the review I read on it at the time, this game had ‘breathtakingly realistic visuals’. I was hooked.

Accelerate into modern times and the simulation genre is delivering highly immersive experiences to a far larger audience. With the ability of modern CPU’s to model real world physics, drastically improved graphical capabilities and a wider appreciation of input options, today’s sim-gamer is spoilt for quality titles. You can dogfight above France (Rise of Flight), smash lap times in a star mazda (iRacing), engage hostile forces with all the tools of modern war (ArmA series), sink ships (Silent Hunter series) and learn every aspect of ground-attack aircraft (DCS series) all from the comfort of your home. For a supposedly niche market there seems to be no end of game developers adding ‘simulation’ to their descriptors. With the average age of gamers being somewhere in their 30′s by now, it’s no surprise that our youthful enthusiasm has been bolstered by our increased earnings ability, resulting in an increase of simulation titles and a kind of ‘peripherals boom’ that couldn’t have been supported under previous market conditions.

As the genre has grown, so to have the methods of controlling the on-screen action. Most of us at some point have dabbled in tech to enhance our play-time. Outside of mandatory extras like mice and keys, a gamepad is the most ubiquitous peripheral out there, with joysticks and wheels following in decreasing numbers. In my experience, without the right piece of equipment it’s hard to enjoy a game when I know it could be so much more. Rise of Flight is the best example of this, a stunningly realistic recreation of World War 1 air-combat. With the ceaseless energy-fighting nature of turns and dives, being able to look over your shoulder is paramount to success, and it wasn’t until I had my TrackIR that I was finally able to experience the game in a way that it was clearly built for.

Understanding that the thrill of a simulator is in its ability to deliver a true-to-life experience, visionary gamers have worked tirelessly to bring us closer to that nirvana. Here today, for racing and flying, from least expensive to most expensive is a collection of the craziest and most inventive sim-gear around. Click over to the last page for a budget list for the beginning simmer.

Racing Gear

What is it: H-Pattern and Sequential Shift + Handbrake
What does it do: solid steel design leads to satisfying gear changes
Manufacturer: http://www.frex.com/gp/
Price: H-Shifter – 39,800 Yen ($486 USD approx.)
Sequential Shifter – 12,000 Yen ($146 USD approx.)
Handbrake – 12,000 Yen ($146 USD approx.)

What is it: CST pedal range
What does it do: designed to replicate the forces required to depress pedals
Manufacturer: http://www.cannonsimulationtechnologies.com/
Price: $570 AUD to $1136 AUD

What is it: Frex Sim3 Pedal
What does it do: designed to replicate the forces required to depress pedals, features load-cell brakes (has fluid in it, just like the real thing), simCalipers and VibeBrakes
Manufacturer: http://www.frex.com/gp/
Price: 143,000 Yen ($1,747 USD approx.)

Coping okay so far? If have a line of credit, turn to the next page.

Top Ten Games to Play on Your Netbook: Part 2

Sam Naylor — Sun, 08 Aug 2010 19:11:09 +0000

It’s August now, and that probably means you’re heading away on holiday. Obviously, this will be a big worry for gamers like us. That’s why we were given handheld gaming systems- a way to stave off the withdrawal symptoms from being away from some sort of pixel or polygon for too long. However, handheld consoles aren’t the only thing to keep the babies off the ceiling. There’s also the much-overlooked netbook.

Netbooks are essentially tiny laptops- meaning you can do with them what you would do with any laptop, including installing PC games on them. Obviously they’re built mostly for browsing the web, and as such can’t exactly handle something like Crysis (although oddly people still seem obsessed with benchmarking it on their netbooks, if only to impress people). However, most netbooks are actually fairly decent machines, and I’ve decided to run down a few games that you might want to load up your netbook with to take on holiday with you.

All of these games should work on a modern netbook; I’ve tested them all on an Acer Aspire One. Obviously everyone will have a different configuration and level of technical skill, so it can’t be guaranteed that they will run with your netbook. Besides, it’s just a guideline. I’m sure you’ll be thinking of something that I’ve missed out of the list- so leave a comment. This is the second part of a two-part series: click here for the first five.

Plants Vs Zombies

Plants Vs Zombies is a tower defence style puzzle game which has you defending the left side of the screen from hordes of shuffling zombies- with some plants. As with World of Goo, this game is based on a simple concept, but has a level of depth you won’t believe until you play it. The game may start out fairly easy, but in no time it ramps up to some excellently designed levels that will really test your strategic thinking.

There are so many different types of plant to shoot, eat, or blow up zombie with, with as many types of zombie to be shot, eaten, and blown up. The visuals are packed full of charm and humour, despite hardly taxing your system at all, so this game is perfect for netbook play. You’ll also be able to switch the game on, play a level or two, and leave; great for those moments where you need a quick gaming injection to stave off the pains. Beware, however: you may never be able to stop playing.

Plants Vs Zombies runs perfectly well in Windows, and can be bought from Steam, so you should have no problems there. The game is rated Platinum for running under Wine, so you shouldn’t have any problems using Linux either.

Time Gentlemen, Please! and Ben There, Dan That!

You might not have even heard of these two games. Well, shame on you- they are some of the best adventure games available to you. Monkey Island would run on your netbook, sure- but why play that for the fortieth time? Time Gentlemen, Please! and Ben There, Dan That! were created by Dan Marshall and Ben Ward of Zombie Cow Studios, and are genuinely some of the funniest games since the best days of adventure gaming on the PC.

Packed full of crazy puzzles, self-referential humour, and a wonderfully silly storyline, these games are definitely worth a try whether you’re an adventure game fan or not. If you like laughing (and let’s face it, who doesn’t?), then Time Gentlemen, Please! and Ben There, Dan That! are going to give you a great time. What’s more, the first game in the trilogy of two (Ben There, Dan That!) is free, so you’ve got ample time to try it out before deciding to buy the second game.

The games will run perfectly well under both Windows and Linux with Wine, so you there’s no trouble about compatibility. The games are also available through Steam, if you prefer to run them that way- and there’s no worry about your system not being up to scratch. The games only have a bout 2 graphics between them. Don’t let the extremely basic visuals bother you, though- there’s a lot of fun to be had here.

Civilization III

If you’re looking for a much deeper strategy game to play while mobile, Sid Meier’s Civilization III is definitely something to look into. Grow your Civlization from nothing into a huge empire, and everything in between- on a tiny netbook screen. The Civilization games have always been known to cause heavy addiction among strategy aficionados, so why stop when you head off on holiday? Keep the demons away by playing some Civilization on the road.

Civilization III is getting on a bit now, so the visuals can be a little off-putting, but there’s as much game behind them as there ever was. For some players, it may even be a nostalgia-induced trip as well as the gaming equivalent of crack cocaine. If you’ve got a beefier netbook and you’re looking for an even better Civilization experience, you could look into Civilization IV, but for most that may not run too well on your machine. Plus, with Civilization III being so old now, you should be able to find it for a very affordable price.

The Steam edition will run fine in Windows, but there is a little tweaking to be done to get the game running in Linux with Wine. You can pretend it’s a puzzle and get it working yourself, or just go here and follow the instructions. Your call.

The Sims

Come on, everyone has played The Sims. It’s one of the most popular games of all time, and for a good reason. You’re tasked simply with keeping a family (or person) alive, and nothing more- but the experience is so much more than that. Create your dream home, create mischief in a neighborhood, create a friend in Sim form and play out their life, or just kill Sims in swimming pools- it’s up to you.

Everyone has a tale to tell of the time they killed a character in The Sims. The only thing more fun than removing the ladder from the swimming pool is doing it while you’re sitting by a real swimming pool on your holiday. Although the visuals aren’t exactly beautiful any more, the game is certainly still playable, and it’s also a lot of fun to play with mates or family. Everyone loves the Sims, and it might be just the thing to get your companions on holiday with you convinced that you’re a genius for bringing a gaming netbook with you.

There is a problem, however: if you’re running Linux on your netbook, don’t hold out too much hope. The game will only run in Windows officially, and getting it running under Wine is a huge task. There are a few methods of getting it running but it’s probably not going to be worth your time or money. Apologies to Linux users, but really you should be blaming EA and Maxis for not releasing the game on Linux, the bastards. Incidentally, I was not able to test The Sims on my own netbook- but I felt it should get an entry on this list anyway.

Trackmania Nations Forever

Trackmania is getting on a bit these days, but that doesn’t mean that it’s no longer the best racing game available on PC. The racing is all based around beating lap times, and earning medals for doing the crazy courses in the fastest time. It’s the crazy golf course of the driving game world. The racing is fast paced, a lot of fun, and really addictive; great for when you’re looking for an adrenaline rush when you’re gaming on your netbook.

There’s more to Trackmania, too; you can create your own tracks. The track editor is as extensive as you could ever want, and creative types will spend many hours perfecting the craziest track they can muster. There are also online modes, if you find yourself with a stable internet connection. Best of all? It’s a free game. You can get it from Steam here [http://store.steampowered.com/app/11020/], if you so wish. The full game, Trackmania United Forever, is expensive, but adds more modes, track styles and car types.

The game should runs perfectly well on most netbooks running Windows, thanks to it being pretty old- but it’s still a good looking game. Getting it to run on Linux may cause you a little trouble, but there’s evidence to suggest it will run just fine. Plus, the game is playable with just one hand, so there’s no fiddling about with mice our touchpads.

Well, that’s it for Ripten’s list of the top games to play on your netbook. Thanks for reading- we hope you’ve enjoyed it. Obviously this is a far from comprehensive list; feel free to leave a comment and put in a good word for your favourite netbook game if we’ve missed it out!

Top Ten Games to Play on Your Netbook: Part 1

Sam Naylor — Sat, 07 Aug 2010 20:17:13 +0000

All of these games should work on a modern netbook; I’ve tested them all on an Acer Aspire One. Obviously everyone will have a different configuration and level of technical skill, so it can’t be guaranteed that they will run with your netbook. Besides, it’s just a guideline. I’m sure you’ll be thinking of something that I’ve missed out of the list- so leave a comment. Stay tuned tomorrow for the second part of the article, and the other five games.

Torchlight

Torchlight is a Diablo-esque action RPG developed by Runic Games, a company formed by the creators of Diablo, Max and Erich Schaefer. Not only is it a brilliant little game great for playing in either short or long sessions, it’s even got an option in the settings menu for a netbook mode. A mouse might be something to think about when playing this game, as it can get a bit hectic out there in the dungeons, and anybody but a touchpad pro will have trouble keeping up. In fact, that goes for almost all the games on this list.

Even if you’ve never played Diablo, Torchlight will most likely still manage to capture your attention. The game does an excellent job of both treating the player with respect and showing them the ropes, meaning that you’ll be up and running in no time, and enjoying what the game has to offer. The game has scope for mulitple playthroughs, with three distinct player classes and an heirloom system, meaning you can keep items from your previous playthroughs. Perfect for an entire week with nothing else to do.

The game should run well in Windows, but you may have trouble when attempting to install the game on Linux. Certain versions of the game reportedly do not work at all under Wine (A Windows program launcher for Linux), and there is no official support for the platform. A great game if your netbook is running Windows, but it may take a bit of work with Wine so Linux players may have trouble with this one. If you’re determined to get it going you can take a look at the WineHQ page here for more info.

Serious Sam: The First Encounter

Serious Sam was recently re-released in HD, but don’t forget that the original is still a manic and highly enjoyable first-person shooter that runs very well on less powerful hardware. Serious Sam, aside from having a bloody excellent name, is everything a shooter used to be in the good old days. Forget any kind of deep and engaging story, or realistic shooting mechanics, or even any sort of suspense or atmosphere. There are only three things that matter in Serious Sam: You, the massive gun in your hand, and the enemy.

Sometimes you don’t want to immerse yourself in a videogame. Sometimes you just want to shoot stuff in the face- and a lot of the time this is how you’ll feel on holiday. Well, why not pretend that your nagging mother is a headless chainsaw-wielding maniac and shoot that in the face instead of taking out on her? Maybe your friend is being irritating again- so shoot at a giant skeleton of a bull instead of shouting at him! It’s fun for all the family. Especially you.

Serious Sam has an official Linux port if you can get your hands on it, although obviously it’s easier to get hold of a Windows version. Luckily, the game runs very well in Wine as well, so both Linux and Windows users should be able to get running and gunning easily.

Command and Conquer: Red Alert 2

Starcraft II may be at the front of your mind when I mention the Real-Time Strategy genre, but to many Red Alert 2 is the best RTS ever made. Luckily, it’s pretty old now, and the system requirements are low enough for it to be playable on a netbook. That doesn’t mean it’s aged badly, though- it’s as good today as it was back when it was released, thanks to the fact that the visuals are simplistic enough to still look good now, but also the fact that the camp FMV sequences are as funny as ever, and the gameplay will be forever enjoyable.

Red Alert 2 is easy to get into, but almost impossible to get out of- and what could be higher praise than that? After 10 years I’m still installing Red Alert 2 on every system I buy, and it captivates as much as ever. Perhaps RTS aficionados will turn their noses up at the simplicity of the game, but to the rest of us, the fact that you can get playing with little to no experience in the genre is fantastic, and the depth of strategy that the (awesomely weird) units allow means that you’ll be playing for years to come.

The game runs fine in Windows, although you may find you need a crack to stop the game from asking for the CD to be in the drive (since your netbook probably doesn’t have a disc drive). The game does not have an official Linux port, but the game reportedly runs under Wine in a number of Linux distributions, although you might need a bit of tech know-how to get it going.

Half-Life

Probably the most demanding game on this list, but also definitely one of the best. You’ll need more than a basic netbook to play flawlessly, but for many it shouldn’t be a problem. Half-Life is a story-driven First-Person Shooter developed by Valve and released to huge critical acclaim. You’ve probably heard of it, if you have been on the internet at any point in your life.

Still considered one of the best games ever made, Half-Life made huge ripples in the gaming world, and if you want to see where almost all modern FPS games came from, this is the game to look at. Serious Sam is an example of the old days of shooters, but if you’re looking for an engaging and breathtaking journey while you’re gaming on your holiday, Half-Life is the game to play.

The game runs in Steam, Valve’s digital distribution service, and so will run in Windows just fine. As I say, you’ll need a bit more netbook to run this at a playable framerate than many of the other games here, but if you’re willing to put up with a bit of choppiness, it will actually run surprisingly well. Steam runs well in Wine for Linux, and Half-Life is easy to launch and play from there- so there shouldn’t be too many problems in getting it running under Linux on your netbook, either.

World of Goo

If you’re looking for a pick-up-and-play puzzle game with a tonne of character and charm, World of goo should be your first stop. The game asks you to build towers with blobs of Goo, with the aim of getting the most blobs into the pipe at the top of the level. The first few levels will show you how the mechanics work, but by the end you’ll be scratching your head over how to finish the puzzles. Like all great puzzle games, the concept is simple, but the puzzles are as hard as nails.

Sometimes with a netbook game you’ll just want to get going and play for five minutes- and World of Goo fits the bill perfectly. You can jump in and finish one or two levels- or just continue working on that one rock-hard puzzle you’re stuck on. Even on netbook hardware the game looks delightful, and has a great deal of charm. It’s even great for playing with your other half when you realise you didn’t bring any johnnies.

World of Goo had both Windows and Linux versions available, so you shouldn’t have much trouble at all in getting this game going on your netbook. The game also works perfectly well with a touchpad, since it’s a puzzle game and not an action game- so you can get the netbook on and playing with a minimum of fuss.

Come back tomorrow for the second part of the list, and plenty of hookers and blow. Well, there will be one of those things, anyway. You’ll have to check back to see which!

Top Ten Wants For The Nintendo 3DS: Part 2

Justin Berube — Sat, 10 Jul 2010 17:17:42 +0000

Last week I discussed half of my top ten wants for the Nintendo 3DS. As I stated then the home button on the Nintendo 3DS got me thinking about the possibilities of what the Nintendo 3DS could do. Here are my top five wants for the Nintendo 3DS.

5. Netflix

The Nintendo 3DS is already confirmed to be able to play 3D movies. The real question now is how will users be able to obtain these movies. The movies will either be available in physical or digital formats, maybe even both, but that will probably be somewhat costly. What if I want to just want to watch something to kill some time on the Nintendo 3DS?

Netflix can easily accomplish this task. While this option may not be the best for everyone, I’d still like to see it. Nintendo has already partnered with Netflix on the Wii so I really don’t think it would be too outrageous to see the service available on the Nintendo 3DS.

4. Online PictoChat

Ever since the Nintendo DS launched in 2004 people have been wishing for an online version of PictoChat. Satoru Iwata, President and CEO of Nintendo, said during Nintendo’s E3 Press Conference that the Nintendo 3DS will be using the Internet more than the previous Nintendo DS systems. I think this would be a perfect time to update PictoChat.

PictoChat is already a ton a fun with groups of people. I think having an online version could allow for that fun to be anywhere within a Wi-Fi hotspot. Imagine getting messages sent to your 3DS from friends. Sure it may be a penis, but it will still be fun. Hopefully they also spruce up the new PictoChat by adding the option to draw in different colors too.

3. At Least 4 GB Of On-board Storage

I would have asked for more but we all know Nintendo hasn’t been big on giving their hardware much storage space. The Wii has 512 MB of on-board storage while the Nintendo DSi and Nintendo DSi XL only have 256 MB. With the Nintendo 3DS able to play movies, take pictures, and more, I hope I’m not alone in hoping that it has some of its own storage space to help store things. I ran out of space in my DSi fridge a long time ago.

Without more storage space many of the wants I have on this list would be nothing more than a dream. Sure an SD card could do, but I’m sure many users are never going to put one in the system. We need storage space Nintendo.

2. 3DSWare and DSiWare

As a gamer this should go without saying. The primary function of the Nintendo 3DS should be to play games. The main draw of the Nintendo DSi systems was Nintendo’s portable digital distribution service called DSiWare. Contrary to popular belief, there are several great titles available on the current DSiWare Shop. The problem is that the shop is on the slow side and it’s hard to just browse at titles.

I want the DSiWare service to be available on the Nintendo 3DS as well as a new 3DSWare one. I can’t wait to see some of the fun games and applications that are made available for 3DSWare, assuming of course that it’s coming. I can’t imagine the Nintendo 3DS not having a 3DSWare Shop or supporting the old DSiWare titles since the Nintendo 3DS is already backward compatible with Nintendo DSi games. Hopefully the shop will run a lot faster as well.

This point, however, leads me into my most wanted thing for the Nintendo 3DS.

1. Transferable DSiWare Games

Ever since the Nintendo DSi XL came out people have been complaining about the inability to move DSiWare games from one DSi to another. Nintendo’s competition allows for digital content moves and it’s time Nintendo got with it. I’m sick of having all my DSiWare games stuck on my Nintendo DSi when I have a slick new Nintendo DSi XL.

When the Nintendo 3DS comes out there better be a way for users to transfer their digital games from one platform to another. Right now the only way to do so is to send both your systems to Nintendo, and that’s only if they agree to do it. This is ridiculous and I better not have to send my new Nintendo 3DS out to Redmond, WA the second I get it in order to have my digital content moved over. When the Nintendo 3DS comes out a user-friendly solution needs to exist.

Madden 10 Preview: Top Ten Changes to the Franchise

Jonathan Zungre — Sat, 02 May 2009 17:37:25 +0000

We just previewed Madden 10 and it seems like the team has been hard at work scrapping elements that haven’t worked for the series and creating new features in order to produce the most realistic feeling hard-nosed Sunday football game to date. Let’s blitz through the top ten changes Madden 10 makes to famed Madden formula.

1. Madden 10 lets players “Feel The Pressure” in the pocket and avoid It. Since the beginning of time, Madden players have played passing offense the same way: Running 20 yards or more into the backfield, away from the pocket, and firing a huge bomb to a downfield receiver. They either complete that miracle pass or they’re sacked for an absurd loss. Real NFL quarterbacks don’t do this, by the way, they stay protected in the pocket created by the offensive line. The developers of Madden 10 found that when players were looking downfield for a receiver, the pocket didn’t feel safe because they couldn’t sense when the defense was rushing them, hence the running into the backfield.

One of Madden 10′s goals is to make the pocket feel safe again. When looking downfield for a receiver to pass to, the controller will rumble when the quarterback is under pressure. A quick flick of the right stick lets the quarterback execute an avoidance move to shrug away a potential sack and give the player an extra moment to complete a pass. The avoidance moves will work better with elusive quaterbacks, like Big Ben, but even then they won’t work all the time.

Ben Roethlisberger, one of the larger quarterbacks, eluding a defender with an avoidance move.

2. Quarterbacks have more guts. Ok, that’s not a direct quote from Madden 10, but it’s the best way to describe the quarterback’s new ability to complete passes while being sacked. Last year, Madden 09′s sack animation would overide the quarterback’s passing animation, causing him to tuck the ball instead of releasing it, resulting in some unfair feeling sacks. “I pressed the throw button!” Now the top part of a quarterbacks body can still make a pass even though he’s being sacked, which may result in a much needed completion, or a floating pass that could be easily intercepted. Either way, if you want to make that risky play, now you can.

3. Nine man gang tackles. Madden 10′s mantra is “Fight For Every Yard.” With Madden 10′s new Pro Tak feature you can bring the four on one ownage to some poor running back like the picture below. The gang tackles generated by Pro Tak can also be used offensively. If your running back gets some help from some big guys behind him, they may just push him right into the endzone, or help him break out of the tackle animation altogether. Hopefully Pro Tak’s gang tackles can bring the more organic raw feeling of live football to the game.

3. Fight for the ball at the bottom of the pile. Players will now experience the lawlessness of the game’s most gritty battle, the wrestling match at the bottom of the pile for the ball after a fumble. Who knows what happens at the bottom of the pile? Scratching, finger bending, biting?

Madden 10 handles this tooth and nail battle with an intense quicktime button pressing minigame. Hit the right button as it flashes on the screen and you’ll tip the possession scale in your favor and probably end up with the ball once the ref’s pulls all the bodies off of the pile.

4. Holding the A button moves your defensive back into position for you to make big plays: I’ve always had trouble playing defense in Madden, especially in the secondary. Thankfully, the Madden 10 team found that many players also had the same trouble, and they’ve created Defensive Assist. Holding down the A button will cause your defender to move into position and play defense, but it will not, however, make big plays like swats and interceptions for you. It only gets you into position so you can make these big game changing plays yourself.

5. Many of last year’s Iterations have been scrapped, tweaked or downplayed. The not so successful Madden IQ feature that was so prevalent last year is returning and you’ll still take the test at the beginning of the game, but the Madden 10 team asserts that the feature is going to be changed and be much more in the background. Weapons, the new feature from a couple Madden’s ago have been completely scrapped and Rewind, Madden’s version of a “do over” is turned off at default. Chris Collinsworth and Tom Hammond return, but between you and me and what the developers implied, Tom Hammond is going to be more interesting this time around.

7. Photorealistic Depth of Field. The reason why the screen shot above looks like it was pulled from the real Superbowl last February is that the Madden 10 engine accurately displays depth of field, blurring that which you’re not focused on. Look at how the referee in the foreground and the sideline in the background are accurately out of focus. One of Madden 10′s goals is to make games feel more like a televised broadcast and establishing depth of field is a great step into building that realistic look and feel from a real NFL game.

8. Passes to the flat are no longer broken. After catching a pass out to the flat, no longer will receivers fail to slow down and negotiate where the out of bounds line is. No longer will they sprint towards the sideline like Forrest Gump running home to Jenny. This was a game breaker for many gamers who played Madden 09, so it’s exciting to see that the Madden 10 team is fixing this important play.

This ref should really have a “hit me” sign on his back, because that’s what we all want to do…

9. You can knock over refs and run into the chain gang. Yep, you can knock those pin striped losers onto the ground during a play and doing so will never impede you or slow down your movement in any way. That means a ref will never get in the way of pass or trip you up so you don’t make it into the end zone. Also, Madden 10 wants to replicate the suspense of watching live football by having the chain gang run out and measure for the first down. This may also increase the number of controller throwing moments.

10. Some players stats have been dropped as much as 20 points! The Madden 10 team saw that the stats have been slowly creeping upwards over the years and that average players were only a few points different from the NFL’s future Hall of Famers. This would effect teams as well. Playing the Lions didn’t feel like playing the Lions, it felt like playing the Cowboys or any other good team. In order to distinguish the average players from the superstars, many player’s ratings had to be lowered. If you rate everybody as great, then no one is. Maybe some game websites should adopt this mindset in for review scores. You didn’t hear it here!

Madden looks like its ready for another monster year of sales and hopefully ready to deliver the most true to life football experience thus far. Even more Madden 10 features are going to to be revealed at E3 so get your Troy Polumalu jersey ready and check back later!

Top Ten Most Badass Weapons in Gaming History – # 8 Cloud’s Sword

James Fleming — Wed, 14 Nov 2007 23:19:59 +0000

I don’t really like Japanese RPGs. I think they show an amazing stubbornness towards evolution of the genre, with recycled story arcs and male characters that are more androgynous than a Ziggy Stardust-era David Bowie.

I thought living in Japan might help me become more tolerant, but the inverse proved true and my disdain has only grown stronger. So, if I can’t stand Japanese RPGs then why did I put Cloud Strife’s sword into the Top 10?

Simply put, the sword is bigger than the little spiky-headed man holding it, and it aided in the firm ass kicking of one of videogame’s most evil characters, Sephiroth.

Mr. Strife must have done a lot of weight lifting back in Nibelheim. Not only does he carry a Buster Sword big enough to slay a rhinoceros with an oversized pituitary gland, but he can also wield it as if it were a fencing rapier forged of aluminum.

I first saw the sword back when the Playstation was still cutting edge hardware. Displayed nicely on the back of our hero on the jewel case, it quickly caught my eye and was the reason for my purchase of Final Fantasy VII. The quest to save Gaia was arguably the best written and fleshed out of the entire series, and the Buster Sword was just as much a character in this manga-like melodrama as Cloud himself.

The weapons in Final Fantasy VII were designed for each character, and although they could be powered up, they could not be interchanged. This led to each gun, sword and javelin to have a personality of its own and reflect that of its user. But it wasn’t just Materia and Limit Breaks that made Cloud’s sword so awe-inspiring – he also got his own movie to build on its riot rousing reputation.

Final Fantasy VII: Advent Children was released in Japan on September 14, 2005. The CGI swan song for the Final Fantasy VII universe showcased Cloud’s massive single-edged cleaver with a new sense of detail. Being able to split into various independent sections, the sword was now duel- wieldable, perfect for those boss battles in the ruins of Midgar. A big sword is pretty badass, but a big sword with extra functionality reaches a new echelon of malevolence.

So was Cloud compensating for something? Absolutely! Does it matter? Hell no. This weapon inspired me to take a chance and forget my contempt for JRPGs and embrace the “bigger is better” mantra. It lasted just long enough to enjoy a game with a killer story, great characters and excellent plot twists.

Too bad that little monkey thief in Final Fantasy IX sent me running for the exits again. Who’s up for a game of Oblivion?

Top Ten Most Badass Weapons List: 10 | 9 | 8 | 7 | 6 | 5 | 4 | 3 | 2 | 1

Top Ten Developers – #2 Namco

James Fleming — Thu, 01 Nov 2007 01:16:09 +0000

The golden era of videogames is a hot topic among gamers, mainly because many game enthusiasts don't agree when the gaming utopia took place.

Some feel that it occurred in the mid to late 80s with the introduction and domination of the NES. Others found the 16-bit epoch to be their own personal Shangri-La. Younger gamers feel that this current “next-gen” period we find ourselves in, with its online capabilities and cutting-edge graphics, is the pinnacle of gaming paradise.

Everyone feels differently because everyone has a different collection games that define them and their age bracket. But when bringing up the topic of arcades and the era in which they thrived, there is little room for debate. The golden era took place in the 80s and the king of the cabinets was Namco.

Like many other videogame companies, Namco's early beginnings can be found in business completely unrelated to the gaming industry. Started in the 1950s, the company scraped up its capital by selling mechanical rocking horses and kiddy rides. Namco first started making videogames in 1974 after they snatched the Japanese division of Atari. A few early games followed, but they were all just a preamble to the bomb that would be dropped in 1980.

Apparently inspired by a pizza pie (sans one slice) by Toru Iwatani, Pac-Man would arguably become the most famous videogame in the world. Every respectable arcade would house a Pac-Man machine.

The game would become instantly recognizable to all who heard that opening jingle, felt its battle-worn joystick, and guided that simple little sphere to strategically munch those delicious dots in a quest to tame his paranormal enemies. Pac-Man would do a lot more than build a videogame fan base the world over. It would bring videogames into the mainstream.

Having a background in amusement parks, Namco focused on developing its arcade library, which was the main vehicle to carry a gaming fix to the consumers of the day. If you were to take a stroll through a gallery displaying these works of art you would see an assortment of masterpieces.

There is Galaga, the superior sequel to 1979's Galaxian that would have kids around the world risking alien abduction in order to get a chance at doubling their firepower. Pole Position was a hugely successful racing game for the company. Dig Dug and Xevious (the world's first vertical shooter) would both be released in the same year.

Namco had a lot of “firsts” in the gaming industry, many of which have become clichés within the community. King and Balloon was the first game to use synthesized voices. Rally X was the first game to include the ever-popular bonus round. Dragon Buster introduced the idea of a life bar, and Splatterhouse was the first game to be branded with a parental advisory warning.

Arcades are still Namco's territory. Like their amusement parks, they continue to make fantastic rides for people of all ages and preferences. Tekken, Soul Calibur, and Time Crisis continue to push the envelopes of their respected genres, and Ridge Racer continues its legacy on the PS3.

The transition to consoles came initially with ports of their coin-op successes, but original games like the Ace Combat series and the Xenosaga series offer a nice alternative to the frenzied action of your standard quarter cruncher.

Namco Cybertainment Inc. has become the largest arcade company in the world, with roughly 30,000 games in their inventory. Two years ago Namco merged with the toy manufacturing giant Bandai. They now stand as the 3rd largest videogame entity in Japan.

The merger will deliver Namco's classics to a whole slew of fresh-faced customers. By developing versions of their classics for operation on either cell phones or Xbox Live, they are guaranteeing the longevity of their product.

We will be seeing Namco for generations to come, mainly because their great videogames tap into a digital fountain of youth, preventing them from ever getting old.

Must Haves:
Pac-Man Championship Edition (Xbox Live),
Ace Combat 6: Fires of Liberation (Xbox 360).

Have Nots:
Naruto: Uzumaki Chronicles 2 (PS2)
Dead to Rights (Multi)

Top Ten Developer List: 10 | 9 | 8 | 7 | 6 | 5 | 4 | 3 | 2 | 1

Halloween Special: Top 10 Scare The Hell Out Of You Games

Josh Pankratz — Wed, 31 Oct 2007 01:30:14 +0000

Here at Ripten, we’re nothing if not festive. As the weather turns cold and the pumpkins light up, we take a look at some games that are sure to scare the crap out of you this holiday season. Read on… if you dare! Muwahahaha!

Seriously though, we usually try to incorporate content for all types of people, even the faint of heart. But for you scaredy-cats, read no further. Just go back to watching the Discovery channel.

#10 – Bioshock
Get out the candy corn and your plasmids, it’s time for some Big Daddy ass-whoopin! Bioshock swept us off our feet this summer with stunning visuals and a unique blend of gameplay and narrative.

2k Games received overwhelming praise from gamers and critics alike. However, it was never acclaimed as a horror game, even though the narrow corridors of Rapture held more than one claustrophobic, bloody fright.

#9 – Hellgate London
There are few men I trust more than Flagship’s Mr. Bill Roper to deliver a stellar game. Hellgate promises to be nothing less. Featuring fast paced combat, randomized dungeon layouts, and of course, what every Halloween game needs– lots and lots of zombies!

From gloomy cathedrals to ancient ruins, London lends itself very well as a scary backdrop for players to adventure in. After playing the beta for days, we can’t wait to get our hands on the final version of the game. Equally scary as the demons that infest the streets of London is how fast you get addicted to this game.

You won’t want to stop the mayhem, because a rare item might be one kill away. Flagship really nailed the whole carrot on a stick mentality that all of us remember so fondly from Diablo.

#8 – F.E.A.R.
Throw in some supersmart AI, mix in a little bullet-time, and sprinkle in a dash of the supernatural and you get Monolith’s multiplatform shooter FEAR. What more could you ask for? Hell, even the little girl from The Ring is in this game!

Fans of F.E.A.R won’t have to wait long to get there next fix. The game came out on PS3 earlier this year with a new gameplay mode, and the standalone expansion FEAR: Perseus Mandate hits store shelves the 6th of November.

#7 – The Suffering
Enter Abbott State Penitentiary, where Torque has been convicted and sentenced to death for killing his wife and two children. Torque claims that he blacked out when the murder occurred, and has no recollection of what happened (with a name like Torque, it’s a wonder no one believed him).

When an earthquake rocks the Prison, all Hell breaks loose and it’s up to you to get out of there. The Suffering also implements a light/dark side mechanic, prompting you to make moral decisions, the sum of which will determine the ending of the game. The Suffering easily takes the crown as the best psychological horror game we’ve played.

#6 – System Shock 2
System Shock 2 stands in a genre of its own. Fusing FPS mechanics with deep RPG style character development, SS2 doesn’t ram cheap monster closet thrills down your throat. Instead, it gets inside your head just to mess with you.

You wake up in a deserted space ship, the Van Buren, only to find the rest of the crew horribly killed or turned into monsters. Your character uncovers audio logs and bits of the story along the way.

It’s the subtle nature of the terror slowly welling up inside you that makes this game such a success. It’s no wonder Ken Levine has gone on record stating that Bioshock is the spiritual successor to System Shock.

#5 – Doom 3
As far as horror premises go, this one takes the cake. You’re a Mars security guard doing a routine patrol when all of a sudden a portal to Hell opens and everyone around you turns into damn dirty zombies.

Widely known as the game that kicked off the next-gen era, Doom 3 made PC gamers everywhere empty their pockets to beef up their systems. Doom isn’t just pretty– few games can match its level of immersion. Playing it with the lights out at night is one of the most memorable experiences I’ve had in gaming.

#4 – Alien vs. Predator 2
You can never have enough bug hunts! AvP2 is set on planet LV-426, the same dark, windy world where Aliens took place. Dynamic lighting and strong sound design set this game apart from the rest. You really get the sense that Aliens could be anywhere.

You can play the game through as any of the three species: Alien, Predator, or Human. We recommend you play through the Human campaign first, because the other species don’t seem to chat very often, leaving you hard-pressed to figure out what’s going on.

This game was strong enough to warrant an expansion pack called Primal Hunt which received mixed reviews. As a huge fan of the Aliens movies, AvP2 is one of my personal favorite games of all time.

#3 – Dementium: The Ward
It’s just you, some monsters, and a bonesaw. Even though the DS is not exactly known for its survival horror games, this first-person shooter sets a new standard for handheld dark and scary. There are creepy puzzles with the clues written in blood, skittering bugs that make a freaky chirping sound, and some massively mean bosses out to get you.

Releasing on Halloween, Dementium is a solid offering that tries to cram as much Silent Hill suspense and Doom 3 action into two little screens. Can you hear your heartbeat racing yet?

#2 – Resident Evil (Gamecube)
Resident Evil — Simply put, Resident Evil is the definition of the survival horror genre. Some may argue the original Playstation release of this game should get the recognition, however, which disc would you rather pop in?

We applaud the uniqueness and the effort that the original PSX game put forth. That said, the gorgeous visuals and enhanced gameplay in the Gamecube version make for a far better experience. In addition to the visuals, the enhanced version also features 10 different endings, as well as several new puzzles and plot twists.

RE4 might be a better action game, but RE1 is where the scares are. This is a must-own title for any fan of the horror genre.

#1 – Silent Hill 1 and 2

OK, so we cheated. Two games in the number one slot. But they’re so closely connected that they might as well be some kind of freaky conjoined Jack-O-Lantern.

Silent Hill is as simple a name as one can give to a small American town. Just a simple, sleepy town with the occasional zombie nurse, skinless attack dog, and pyramid-headed monster.

In these games, silence lurks around every corner with a washed-out white color palette. Silent Hill 1 has you playing as a concerned father seeking his lost child, while the sequel is about a distraught husband seeking his dead wife. Both times you make a slow descent into madness as the town seeks to swallow you up.

Silent Hill 2 is the superior game, having improved upon the original in every way. It implemented very original characters while still staying true to the unique vibe of being alone in a desolate and horrifying environment. Gameplay is more focused on exploration and narrative than action.

There is something to be said about the way these games get under your skin. You can’t really pin it down– perhaps it’s the game’s stronger emphasis on character-related drama. In addition to the freaky environments, the story really adds a second layer of horror that few games can match.

When thinking about horror games, the Silent Hill series immediately pops into my head, with SH2 as my all time favorite. When I think about it the answer is simple: subtlety.

Games usually can’t afford to incorporate the same levels of subtlety seen in film and books. From the broken wheelchairs to the plates of food still on the tables, you really get a sense that something terrible happened here, and it happened quickly. The game never directly tells you what happened to the town, which really lets your imagination take over.

So put the disc in, switch the lights off, turn the volume up and get ready for some of the most intense scares gaming has to offer. Just don’t freak out too much when the trick-or-treaters ring the doorbell. Have a happy Halloween!

P.S. If scary stuff isn’t for you then please, be our guest and have a gander at this relaxing nature video…

[youtube width="425" height="335"]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Zyc3C1kB0Tg[/youtube]

Top Ten Developers – #7 LucasArts

James Fleming — Fri, 26 Oct 2007 18:24:27 +0000

To think of LucasArts (formerly Lucasfilm Games) is to think of George Lucas, the man who created it all. The pompadour sporting and flannel wearing visionary gave us Star Wars and Indiana Jones, for which he should be canonized. Some would be happy evolving just one form of media, but it appears that forever changing the face of cinema and inventing the Wookie wasn’t enough for Mr. Lucas. He still had to revitalize another form of entertainment– video games.

In 1982 the video game industry was on a precipice after some very tumultuous years. By the end of 1983, the video game crash was in full swing. Angry gamers were becoming frustrated by aging consoles and yearned for a breath of fresh air. It may not have been the best time to form a new software company, but many of Lucas’s undertakings were never considered financially viable by economic groupthink.

The company began by making low-key action games for the Atari 5200, but would soon find success with adventure games. The adventure genre was a huge market in the late 80′s and early 90′s, and LucasArts became one of the forerunners in developing memorable titles. They got their feet wet with the 1987 classic Maniac Mansion, a hilarious adventure that played off America’s love of B-grade horror films.

Maniac Mansion was the first game to utilize the SCUMM scripting language that would go on to create the company’s most memorable entries over the next 10 years. It also introduced something that would become a staple of LucasArts’ adventure games – humor. Games like Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade, Day of the Tentacle, Sam & Max and the beloved Monkey Island series would set the bar for the funniest and best 2D adventure games of the day. But LucasArts didn’t stop there.

George wasn’t going to let his lucrative franchises in the film industry go unused in this newly discovered market, and Star Wars became the basis of dozens of games for the developer. These games sent fans of the series running to their nearest software retailers faster than Han Solo making the Kessel Run. LucasArts used the Star Wars name to contribute to the flight-sim (X-wing Series), first person shooter (Dark Forces and Jedi Knight Series), role playing (Knights of the Old Republic Series by BioWare) and MMO genres (Star Wars Galaxies). If it was a genre, it had a LucasArts game.

LucasArts continues to make its mark in the gaming world today, with a level of quality that has remained consistent over the majority of the last two decades. While adventure games don’t tend to be a popular commodity and some licenses have failed to make a smooth jump to 3D (I’m looking at you, Dr. Jones), Lucasarts still offers plenty of promise for the future. From the recent collaboration with Industrial Light and Magic and the huge budget that pact provides, we can only hope that Lucasarts will continue to rocket the gaming community to a galaxy far, far away.

Must Haves:
Grim Fandango (PC),
The Monkey Island Series (PC),
Star Wars: X-wing (PC)

Have Nots:
Star Wars Obi-Wan (XBOX),
The Dig (PC)

Top Ten Developer List: 10 | 9 | 8 | 7 | 6 | 5 | 4 | 3 | 2 | 1

Top Ten Developers – #8 Square Enix

James Fleming — Fri, 26 Oct 2007 08:12:58 +0000

Some developers draw inspiration from a particular genre. Electronic Arts built up some of the most successful franchises in the sports world, Id Software concentrated mainly on first person shooters like DOOM and Wolfenstein, and Lucasarts grew its fan base by creating excellent adventure games. Square Enix falls into this category as well. Their area of expertise is the RPG.

As many already know, Square and Enix started their relationship under very different circumstances than today. They were originally rivals in Japan, vying for the attention of RPG consumers in a very competitive market.

Enix made its big splash with the Dragon Quest series (known as Dragon Warrior to Western audiences). The NES game would introduce many characters, weapons, and plot lines that still appear in the series today. It turned out to be hugely successful for Enix and gave them a foothold in the Japanese role-playing game market.

What’s interesting is that Enix didn’t actually develop these games themselves. The creation process of the first five Dragon Quest games was handled by a company known as Chunsoft. Enix would merely act as publisher and maintain the copyrights.

Square, on the other hand, was a publisher. During the company’s toddler years there was the danger of having to declare bankruptcy due to some unsuccessful early releases. This impending doom led Hironobu Sakaguchi to name their last entry into the gaming industry Final Fantasy, a name that was selected to signify the company’s inevitable demise. However, the game proved to be successful, and Square was saved from the chopping block.

Many consider Final Fantasy to be the pinnacle of any role-playing series available. Fans of the FF releases could debate for hours which game has the best story line, most useless power-up, or most annoying character. Final Fantasy is one of the most loved franchises in the history of videogames and it continues to grow to this day.

Genre lines have been crossed, movies have been made, and figurines have been manufactured. Final Fantasy has gone from a last attempt at success to a household name. And through the years, the talented people at Square have been there to steer their ship into areas of new discovery.

Games like Secret of Mana, Chrono Trigger, Front Mission and Kingdom Hearts pushed role-playing genre into new territory, while Final Fantasy kept sailing on with new plot situations, battle systems, and characters. But that’s not to say that Square always had to stay within the RPG genre. The company had great success with the car racing classic Rad Racer on the Nintendo Entertainment System. They also made a nice addition to the survival horror genre with the Parasite Eve games on the Sony Playstation. But for the most part, Square has continued to create what comes naturally to them– RPGs.

On April Fools Day in 2003, Square and Enix made one of the biggest mergers in video game history. The two rivals would shake hands (or bow, actually) and continue their monopolizing of the JRPG market as an unstoppable duo. The absorption of Square by Enix would bring together two of the most influential companies in gaming history, and fuse two of the most well-loved and respected catalogs by any company found in Japan or abroad.

What the future holds is yet to be seen. But if the past is any judge, these fantasies aren’t showing any signs of finality.

Must Haves:
Final Fantasy III (SNES),
Final Fantasy VII (PS),
Secret of Mana (SNES),
Dragon Quest IV (NES)

Have Nots:
Chocobo Racing (PS)

Top Ten Developer List: 10 | 9 | 8 | 7 | 6 | 5 | 4 | 3 | 2 | 1

Spider-Man ‘X’ List – Spideys 9 Greatest Gaming Hits & 1 Biggest Miss

Michael Bencic — Tue, 16 Oct 2007 16:27:59 +0000

I handle my lists a little differently than many websites/magazines. I call the lists “THE X LIST”, X as in Ten, giving you a list comprised of nine hits (with Spidey as the main character or at least a featured player), and One ENORMOUS miss.

Even though Spidey may be a hero in the funny-pages and in our hearts, only a handful of his games have become full-on classics. However, if you attended high-school during the 90′s, much of this list will have a special place in your web-entangled hearts.

Now, for your viewing pleasure, in celebration of Activision’s Friend or Foe, is Spider-Man’s nine greatest video gaming hits, and unfortunately, his one biggest miss!

9. The Amazing Spider-Man (Released: 1991, Nintendo Gameboy, LJN)
There may be better games than this on the original Gameboy… or any system for that matter, but this was the first REAL Spider-Man game that began the pure onslaught of Marvel Entertainment-related simulators that would follow over the next 16 years. Gameboy was the hip, cool toy during that era and this was the game to have! Not only was this the first to feature all Spidey’s powers and popular villains, it also played the theme-song from the 1960′s animated series in stunning stereo sound! All in glorious green and green-er graphics!

8. Spider-Man and Venom: Maximum Carnage (1994, SNES/Genesis, Acclaim)
During the mid-90′s Acclaim was EA. They were releasing one licensed hit after another, gobbling up smaller companies (like Spidey’s LJN) in their path. Marvel was attempting to promote the bastard child of Venom, Carnage. Grooming Carnage as the next big villain/franchise event of comic books. Thus, Acclaim released Maximum Carnage (the game) towards the end of the comic-crossover event. A better than average side-scrolling Final Fight wannabe where you could play as Spider-Man or Venom. An unusual marketing scheme, Carnage fans who placed a deposit received an audio-tape music single by the band Green Jelly… god we were stupid.

7. Spider-Man (2000, PSOne/Dreamcast/N64, Activision)
Before the movies and merchandising madness that followed the films, Spidey still had to prove himself as a profitable (and fun) theme in the entertainment world. Along came Activision and Neversoft (hot off the the success of Tony Hawk’s Pro Skater) with a game that gave fans what we always desired… thwipping and swinging on webs through NYC, clinging to ceilings, and thwarting the attempts of bank-robbers in a real 3-D world! Any game that features a Doc Ock /Carnage-symbiote and Stan ‘The Man’ Lee narrating is a geek-feast.

6. Marvel Super Heroes (1995, Arcades, Capcom)
First came X-Men: Children of the Atom. When Capcom realized the Street Fighter engine could milk the 2D quarter-dumping arcade geeks better with a Marvel license, and thus came a ton of cross-overs, and amalgamations. X-Men Vs. Street Fighter. Marvel Vs. Capcom. Marvel Vs. The Lochness Monster. The Capcom That Ate Chicago. With more sequels, the difficulty was continuously turned up a notch, thus alienating those who fell in love with the simplicity, grace, gorgeous 2-D sprites and fun-factor of the original classic. Released a year later on the PSOne, prepare to drop $50 on a used eBay copy. I should know, mine just arrived. Thank you PS3 backwards compatibility!

5. Marvel Super Heroes: War of the Gems (1995, SNES, Capcom)
Despite ignoring their own abilities to bring amazing Arcade-ports to the SNES (Street Fighter Alpha 2, etc.) Capcom created a whole other (and very enjoyable, at that) Marvel game for the 16-bit home console. This side-scrolling 2-D adventure game was based more directly on the ‘War of the Gems’ comic book series. Featuring Spidey, Cap. America, Wolverine, Hulk and Iron Man (not to mention evil-clones of the Silver Surfer, Daredevil and Sasquatch). Popular due to (once again) a distinct Capcom art-style/graphics, and fun play mechanics established in X-Men: Mutant Apocalypse the year before.

4. Spider-Man (2002, PS2/Xbox/Gamecube, Activision)
Based on the Sam Raimi masterpiece… wait, that’s Evil Dead 2. Based on the Sam Raimi comic book masterpiece… oh wait, that’s Dark Man. Ok, based on the FIRST Raimi-Marvel collaboration, Spider-Man is loosely designed around the PSOne hit, but with vastly improved graphics and control. While the N64 had Stan Lee’s voiceover, the Gamecube featured Bruce Campbell leading the player around by the ear. Which is the geekier fan service? You decide.

Groovy.

3. The Amazing Spider-Man (1991, Arcade, Sega)
Memories. Pressed between the pages of my arcade-loving mind… More Side-scrolling-punch/kick/jump affairs spun directly from the success of Konami’s 1990′s multiplayer, highly-addictive hits (The Simpsons, TMNT, X-Men w. 6-players).

Sega had similar success with the classic Golden-Axe. Spidey pushed limits with not only beautiful animation, but a new graphic trick that zoomed the camera in and out changing the action from a Street’s of Rage-type standard to quasi-Mario/16-bit era platforming levels where our hero and his Amazing Friends would take on gigantic bosses (like a mutated Venom). Featuring one of the best line-ups of Spidey-Haters ever. Venom, The Kingpin, Doc Ock, Electro, Lizard, Scorpion, Green Goblin, Hobgoblin, and Fantastic Four nemesis, Dr. Doom. However (Black Cat, Namor, and Hawkeye are quite lame compared to the Amazing-one, causing a fevered race by buddies towards the machine for the Player One slot.

2. Spider-Man 2 (2005, PSP, Activision)
While the Playstation 2 movie version was the first GTA-open world Spider-Man game, the PSP launch title was more directly based on the story of the film, and showed us great potential for the pocket-powerhouse. While the big-console-brother broke new ground for super-hero freedom of control and web-powers, it also had frustrating boss fights and in-door areas that spun the camera with dizzying side-affects. The PSP game continued the legacy of the PSOne original, which was perfect for the new system.

1. Ultimate Spider-Man (2005, Xbox/PS2/Gamecube, Activision)
I fear Activision may have sealed their fate with Ultimate Spider-Man, since it is the finest simulator to date and will be a challenge for developer Treyarch to top if they decide to continue the legacy. Based on the comic book series of the same name, USM perfected the New York City (and Aunt May’s neighborhood of Queens) open world playground established in the Spider-Man 2 console games. Which is the reason why SM2 is not on the list, despite being a very competent game in it’s own right. Cell-shading separated Ultimate even more from it’s movie-tie-in’s.

All the art in the game is based on the illustrations of Ultimate-comic’s 100-issue strong Mark Bagley, and look phenomenal. If you play this game on an HDMI-enabled Xbox 360, it looks absolutely flawless and stands proudly along side newer, next-gen titles. The animation for the main characters is outstanding, which includes Venom on secondary quests. While Peter has all his usual repertoire (but with flawless controls), Eddie Brock isn’t an afterthought. In fact, his levels (even though in slightly less open streets) are outstanding with different moves and controls than Web-Head. Venom is more of a Hulk-like monster, who can jump completely over buildings, pick up and throw vehicles, latch onto civilians to suck their energy, etc. Almost all of the levels are outdoors, thus avoiding the horrid claustrophobic camera angles of past 3D adventures.

The only drawback is the slight repetition of a few Spider-Man 2 ideas (races) and that some of the Ultimate-villain designs may not be as recognizable to casual fans (the Green Goblin is an actual goblin-type mutant in the Ultimate-Universe, as opposed to the Rubber suit of the classic comic or Armored incarnation of the film). This game is readily available second-hand for about $10, and is compatible with all current-gen hardware, so there’s no excuse. Find Ultimate Spider-Man, go for a swing around town, and cross your fingers that Activision makes an even more impressive sequel for the PS3 before a fourth movie ruins the franchise.

And now for the worst…
This Dog Bites: Finding a Spidey-stinker wasn’t difficult, but there’s a difference between the worst game, and the most disappointing. Disappointment, in my opinion, is even more painful.

On that note, Spider-man 3 (the game) really brings the pain. The game misses the target on almost all levels—somehow, the controls aren’t as responsive as Spider-Man 2 or USM, which makes no sense since the assets are already in place from the previous games. The story is even more convoluted than the film’s.

Then there’s the interactive cinema sequences, which scream “We are too lazy to make a fighting engine as good as the original movie-game.” Rumour has circulated that too many cooks in the kitchen (Sony, Sam Raimi, Tobey McGuire, Marvel) screaming their input over each other may have been the explanation for this dud. Game politics are fun to read, but shouldn’t be rewarded with hard-earned cash.

The movie may be forgivable on some levels, what with Cayenne-spicy Gwen Stacy, the evil (but under utilized) Venom/Sandman 1-2 punch. This game, is exceedingly boring. I would rather sit through another Aunt May speech. “Blah blah blah Uncle Ben is dead blah blah marriage blah blah be Mary Jane’s little bi-otch”. AVOID.

Top Ten Summer Games That Will Be Good

Chad Lakkis — Tue, 22 May 2007 22:36:04 +0000

Every gamer knows that the summer time is hands down the worst season to play games. Generally we get stuck with summer movie blockbusters turned in to poorly rated games and have to search for a mediocre game that will tie us over till fall’s big hits. Hopefully here at ripten.com we’ll make that search a little easier. So we bring you the “Top Ten Summer games that will be good.”

The rules are simple. It must come out between May 22 and July 31 and while it can be a port from a last generation game, it can’t be a port from this generation. Example: XBOX 360 to the PS3 does not count, but XBOX to XBOX 360 counts.” Now without further ado, let’s get to the list!

10.) Mario Party 8, (May 29, 2007. For: Wii) Rated E
I’ve stopped using the earth’s orbit around the sun to judge a year. I now use Nintendo bringing out a Mario party to know another year has come and gone. Nintendo’s eighth installment is promising to rejuvenate their milking of the franchise, and we mean that in the nicest way possible.

By using the Wii’s controller you’ll have the character that your control yell at you when it’s your turn and you’ll be swinging your arms and jump up and down through 65 mini games. Though it probably won’t be a very deep title, get a few of your buddies, better known as the homeless people you pay to be your friends, together and this game has good time written all over it.

9.) The BIGS (June 25, 2007. For: PS3, Xbox360, Wii, PSP) Rated E
To quote David Cone, “Chicks dig the long ball”, and it’s true, everybody that watches baseball loves homeruns. Throw in 98mph fastballs and unbelievable diving catches and you have The BIGS. Sure, It’s way over the top baseball much like MLB slugfest or NFL Blitz was to football made by Midway a few years back, but unlike Midway, 2K Sports is the developer and has a proven track record for sports titles.

This marks 2K Sports first attempt at creating an arcade style sports game so there are some question marks. They are going to try to put a “superstar” type mode were you create a player and strive to make him a great. No word yet as to whether or not you can take steroids to “upgrade.”

8.) Manhunt 2 (July 10, 2007. For: Wii, PS3, PSP) Rated M
The first Manhunt was known for its chilling graphic kills, which inevitably caused Jack Thompson (lawyer in the news protesting violent games) to bite through his teeth. The sequel will be known for its, well … chilling graphic kills and probably cause Mr. Thompson to bite through his gums.

Three execution kills (hasty, violent, and gruesome) are featured in the game this time around, however for the first time the game will include “environment kills” such as a face smashing a poor souls face into a fuse box, or using a phone wire to choke your enemy … now that’s taking the slogan “reach out and touch someone” to the next level. If that isn’t enough Manhunt 2 also gives gamers the option to use guns to kill people execution style. With the game set to debut on the Wii, stabbing your enemy will never feel more real … we hope.

7.) Ninja Gaiden Sigma (June 26, 2007. For: PS3) Rated M
Okay, Okay, I know this a remake of an older game again from last generation. But Ninja Gaiden was not only one of the best games to come out for the Xbox, but it was hands down one of the best games that came out on a last generation console period.

Sigma is pretty much the same game as Ninja Gaiden Black with the addition of some new weapons and a few other “extra features”, but the big difference will be that this time around the game will be running in 1080p at 60fps. This is a graphic whores dream come true!

Oh, and the game play is not only addicting, it’s one of the most challenging ever made. So sharpen your blade, turn out the lights, and start practicing your stealth attack maneuvers on your sister’s stuffed animal collection…you are going to need it.

6.) Resident Evil 4 (June 19, 2007. For: Wii) Rated M
When Resident Evil 4 came out for the Gamecube two years ago it was greeted with rave reviews. So much so that Capcom decided to re-release it on the Wii. The game is pretty much a port of the Gamecube version with the added advantages of the Wii controller.

The red laser that graced Leon’s gun will be replaced by a curser that blinks red when pointed at an enemy and green when it’s not. You will have to point the Wiimote towards the screen, much like a light gun game, and shoot with the Z button.

If you have played previous releases of the game and enjoyed obliterating zombie after zombie (as did I) then prepare yourself for a freakishly good time. If you haven’t played any of the RE titles and own a Wii get up off your mound of flesh and pick this gem up when it hits the shelves.

5.) NCAA Football 2008 (July, 17 2007. For: PS3, Xbox 360, PS2, Xbox) Rated E
The appetizer for Madden, otherwise known as NCAA Football, options its way on to store shelves June 27. Last year’s NCAA got decent reviews but still didn’t meet the expectations of next gen gamers. It seems as though EA might have put their jockstraps back on and are finally preparing themselves “for some football”.

For starters, EA has given the game a new game play engine and new animation system that will allow for gang tackling and more importantly better control. Last year’s football title ran at only 30fps, but this year NCAA will run a blistering 60 fps. We believe this is in large part due to the developer’s decision to dumb down the textures in the game. While you may not be able to see every hole in a player’s mesh jersey as he dives into the end zone, the upside is that from we have seen, the major slowdown issues have been eliminated.

Another feature making its next gen debut will be “Campus Legend Mode”. You can go in and create your high school and start off as a high school player in the state championship playoffs. Depending on how well you do you’ll have colleges try to recruit you. Where you sign is up to you. Unfortunately, just like your real high school days, dating the head cheerleader will not be an option.

4.) Shadowrun (May, 29 2007. For: Xbox 360) Rated M
Shocking news to report here, Microsoft saw something good and bought it. This time it was the developer FASA Interactive, creators of this innovative FPS title. Before you jump into battle you select from five different races; Human, Elf, Troll, Gnome, and Dwarf each with their own unique powers and abilities. This feature alone adds a level of depth in terms of online play which is very promising. For instance, Humans can equip more guns, while the dwarves suck essence.

Speaking of online play this game boasts a very significant first; it will be the first game ever to allow PC to console play. This could prove to be extremely frustrating for console players’ considering many gamers believe it is easier and faster to play with a mouse and keyboard. Microsoft says this won’t be an issue … you be the judge.

3.) Guitar Hero Encore Rocks The 80′s (July 17, 2007. For: PS2, PS3, Xbox 360, Wii) Rated: RP
Anyone that lived through the 80′s knows that it was the most confusing time in American history, hot colors, a Cold war, and fear … the fear of being attacked by Russia at any moment.

So what did we do? Party! Oh yeah, we partied with mullets blasting, maybe some of the worst hair dos and music known to man, an era that was so bad it was fantastic! That’s where Guitar Hero wants to go, with songs like “I ran” by the Flock of Seagulls, or “I Wanna Rock” by Twisted Sister.

You’ll either remember the 80′s or live through them for the first time. I for one can feel the hair on my head taking the shape of a mullet already. Grow it out, wear it proud, and most importantly Rock on!

2.) Forza Motorsport 2 (May 29, 2007. For: Xbox 360) Rated: E
Racing sim Forza Motorsport was one of the most surprising hits of last generation gaming, competing with the likes of Grand Turismo and Project Gothem. Not Only does sequel looks amazing with 220,000 polygons per car running at 60fps, but the level of crash detail could be the best of any game to date.

When you hit a wall or car you might see your bumper, door, or even a mirror fall off and it will stay there for the rest of the race causing debris to be a driving hazarded. FM2 has an astonishing 300 cars to choose from, which along with everything else the title has to offer, might be just enough to cross the finish line in first place as the best racing sim of this generation.

1.) The Darkness (June 25, 2007. For PS3, Xbox 360) Rated: M
Based on the comic book character that hit stores in 1996 created by famed illustrator Marc Silvestri and produced by Top Cow Productions, The Darkness makes its video game debut this summer and packs enough of supernatural power to make it one of the most original first person shooters ever.

You start off as a mafia hitman by the name of Jackie Estacado who, on the eve of his 21st birthday, becomes possessed by a power known as “The Darkness”. He can’t legally drink yet but I hear his supernatural entity makes a mean martini. In all seriousness though, the game, much like the comic, immerses you in a world full of ghastly beasts and has all the suspense of a modern day crime drama with a backdrop straight out of a science fiction film.

The feature list includes both first and third person views, non-linear progression, and not one but two highly interactive and destructible environments. Make your way from the rooftops of New York City into the parallel reality crawling with darkness that is The Otherworld this June.

The Darkness might not only be the best game of the summer, it could potentially be one of the best games of the year.

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